Sexuality Happens

Since moving to Arizona, I’ve tried to get involved in many communities, including multiple facets of the kink community here in Phoenix.  Within the first two weeks, we’d joined three groups, been to a kink carnival and orientation, and a women only play party, not to mention a munch or two. I tried to meet people, to make things work, to fit in.

While we made a few select friends, for the most part, we didn’t fit. There are very few queer identified people out and about to start, and even less in the kink community. In several groups, we’re the only queer identified couple.  At the women’s only event, I received a little bit of femme bashing, and Q felt incredibly out of place. And queerness aside, we felt very out of place because we not attach a D/s dynamic to our relationship, and it seems as though almost everyone here is very staunchly identified as top or bottom, Dom(me) or sub, and we don’t.  We don’t even identify as switches.  While occasionally she’ll call me Mistress during sex, or I’ll call her Sir while all tied up, we don’t play with power much. We’re just kinky, and that doesn’t seem to be an option.

I decided to start a new group here; AlternaKink. For those of us who don’t play within the typical power structure of BDSM, those who are queer or have different gender presentations and don’t feel comfortable in the current spaces, for those who like to laugh while playing, and who are alternative.

And cue the storm of “oh my god, you’re a horrible person, you’re not community oriented, you’re fracturing the community.”  Never mind that I specifically noted that I respected the other groups, planned to stay of member of them, and was just trying to create a safe space and additional options.  There aren’t even parties every weekend here, none the less a choice of “should we go here, or here.”

Apparently, everytime someone has tried to start another group here, they’ve been shouted down, told that they’re community wreckers, and been sabotaged in a variety of ways. Well, that actually comes after the guilt trip; I had comments, messages and wall posts telling me that the current (and only) public dungeon in Phoenix IS a safe space, is queer friendly, has no problems, and that I should just shut the fuck up (essentially). Then, there where the offers of having my new group meet at and rent space from the current (and only) public dungeon.  Why branch out? Stay here, with this dungeon, in the community. Don’t do your own thing. Don’t create a space. Here, come, drink the kool aid.

Please don’t tell me a space is safe if I don’t feel safe there. If I, who am stubborn and annoying and go out of my way to meet people, feel uncomfortable, judged, and unwelcome, don’t tell me that is invalid. If when I suggest going to a play party, my partner tells me she does not feel comfortable going there, do not tell me that I’m just “making things up” or “haven’t tried.”

Communities thrive when there are lots of branches of the same tree. In this anaology, the tree is kink. If there is only one big branch weighing down the whole tree (said public dungeon), nothing new grows, nothing thrives, and eventually, the tree falls over and dies.  If there are lots of groups, that create new opportunities and spaces (both physical and conceptual), their is constant growth, and the tree continues to grow and thrive over time. New buds come (new members joining the community), old buds bloom, and everything is well and good. I can be a member of and support a community by creating a new place for people who feel they don’t fit in the old one.

Sometimes I meet people who have been to one kink event, and hated it. They don’t want to go back because they don’t identify as D/s, or as part of a leather family, or because they got stared at for having full sleeves, or short hair cuts, or for appearing gender queer.  Instead of just telling these people (myself included) to fuck off and kick them to the curb, why not create a new space in the community, and welcome them with open arms.  While they may not be on the same main branch of the tree, they are at least IN the community, instead of feeling like outsiders.

I know, I’ve set myself up for a lot of crap coming my way. Yes, it’ll be a struggle. But our first coffee/tea meet up is tomorrow, and I have hope.

Why? Because I WANT to be part of this community. I don’t want to feel like I don’t fit in. I want to grow and change and have fun and play and light people on fire and beat them up, and hope is what makes change happen.

Lots of people have posted this…so I’m going to be a total sheep and join the group. Yup. My apologies for a less than original post, but at least you’ll get to know a bit more about me.

-Essin’ Em

1. Your role?

I know people want the answer to be dom/dub/mistress/switch/bottom, etc. I DO pro-domme, and then, I identify as Mistress. Otherwise, my role is as a pervert or kinkster. I like what I like, I wanna try new things, I like to pull duct tape off my Moose, and I like to tie Q up, and I love getting fire cupped and lit on fire and I love it when Q puts her hand over my mouth or around my throat. Ergo, no roles. Just kinkster.

2. Current relationship?

Mostly monogamous with Q. I play kink wise with other people, and I fist people for classes, and I shoot porn with other people. However, as far as having sexual and/or emotional relationships (other than close friendships), Q and I are currently exclusive.

3. Your favorite type of play?

Oooh.  Fire play or knife play. Maybe the violet wand, but I haven’t done it enough.

4. Your most hated type of play?

Not interested in trying roman showers at all. Ever. Either side.  Also, I’m against play involving bad grammar…so M/s or D/s relationships that involve typing W/we and Y/you.

5. The most annoying habit of your owner/slave/whatever you call your SO?

I call her my lover mostly. Or partner. Anyways…umm. Lately, she’s been to tired for sex. That makes me sad, although I completely validate it. Annoying? Hmmm. Not putting enough towels under me…I always soak the bed.

6. Your deepest fear?

Spending my life alone.

7. Your most memorable public experience (or what you would like to do in public)?

I like having public sex. Q does not.  Ergo, my favorite public experience is my fisting class at the Denver Sancuary in January. 50 people came to see me fist someone – standing room only! (visit ShannaKatz.com for more classes/workshops)

8. What gets you in the mood?

Anything to do with my neck. The sounds of a hitachi. Fire.

9. Favorite method of masturbation?

I honestly can’t remember the last time I masturbated.  Almost a year maybe?

10. Scariest thing you’ve seen or heard of in BDSM land?

People doing suspension involving neck ties because they were “edge players.”  Also, people putting things in butts that didn’t have a good base.

11. Number of hours you spend on Fet when you should be doing other things?

Too many.  Actually, it’s not really that bad. Are you my fetlife friend?

12. Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?

Threesome. For sure.

13. Most longed-for experience?

Queer gang bang.  Preferrably on film.

14. Ouchiest toy?

Canes. I like hitting people with them, but do NOT want them to touch me. Period.

15. Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?

Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino

16. Thing you’d like to change about yourself?

I’d have less chronic pain in my knees and body as a whole.

17. Thing you’re most proud of?

Continuing to hold my values and ethics as I become a professional perv.

18. Funniest dom name you’ve ever heard?

90% of scene names make me laugh.  I validate them, but SO not my style.

19. Do your family and friends know?

Yup. Everyone except my extended family in FL and Israel.

20. Is twenty questions too many?

Obviously not.

I found this lovely video through the rocking and pervy Mollena. I then proceeded to shoot iced tea out my nose when he bespoke of his uber dominant cock.

So please enjoy the reasons why dominants can’t play a simple game of cards together.

Thanks Mollena!

-Essin’ Em

She was nervous on the way there, and asked me to drive her car.  I did, although driving in a perfectly lace corset and 5″ heels is no joke.

She was nervous as we checked in, showing our brand spanking new APEX membership cards, and checked in.

She was nervous as we got brief introductions to all the people there; girls, women, butches, femmes, dykes, bisexuals, bois, grrls, etc. It wasn’t really a queer party per se, but I did feel like we fit.

She was wearing my favorite outfit of hers – a black shirt and a red and black tie, to match my flame corset perfectly. God, she is so god damn fucking hot.

She was nervous as we sat their, munching on cheese and pre-cut fruit platters.

She was nervous when I open the toy bag, selected a few floggers, a paddle, some black zipties, vampire gloves, a knife, a vibrator, a cane and 6 clothespins, which I clipped onto her tie for ease of access.

She was very nervous as I lead her into the jail cell room, until she realized no one was there.

She was only moderately nervous as I kissed her deeply, pulling first on her tie to bring her closer, and then on her hair, as I grabbed it and held her into me.

She seemed only a little nervous as I undid her shirt buttons and jeans, leaving her in only a black ribbed tank, boxes, and of course, her tie.

She was a bit more nervous as I bent her over the table, using the zipties to hold her arms in place as I pulled down her boxers. My hands gently slid over her as, until I began to spank her, giving her a warm up.  And then, I moved on to the paddle, and then, the cane.

I had to remind her to breathe.  We need to work on that, for both of us. Breathing is, shockingly, important.

She relaxed as I rand the sharp vampire gloves and knife over her ass and back.  Again, she tensed up as I hit her with the floggers…first, the smaller, more stingy one, and then, the larger, heavy, distinctly thuddy one. Red and black, of course.

I cut the tied, and brought her to the cross, removing her clothes completely.  I made use of the clothespins – a few on each nipple, and the vibrator, as I alternated it between nipples and cunt, all the while still kissing her, biting her, licking her, playing with the clothespins on her nipples. I slapped her face a bit when she forgot to call me Mistress.

She was only a smidgen nervous when I made her lie on the table, holding the vibrator to her clit. 

She wasn’t nervous at all when I slid my fingers into her…first two, then three, then four.

She wasn’t a bit nervous as I fucked her on that table with my left hand, reaching up to pinch her nipples with my right.

She wasn’t nervous, not in any sense of the word, as I fucked her silly, in my corset and short skirt, hand disappearing into her cunt, her moans making my own drip with anticipation.

-Essin’ Em

I have written a lot on this here blog about submission over the years. About how I wasn’t sure if I was submissive at points, about how I was sure I was submissive at points, at how I first realized my submissive side during a dream I had when I was ten.  About how I am I feel genuinely submissive to some people I’ve played with, such as K, and how with others, I felt a complete brat, or moreover, like I was playing the wrong role.

I’ve written about this new subject some over the past year, but I figured you can always write about it more.

When I moved back to Denver, I slowly edged my way into the scene, attending parties, munches, classes, etc.  Denver is lucky enough to have three public/membership dungeons, and one really really awesome pro-domination house/private dungeon that happens to throw really cool public parties a few times a month. While my first fetish party was at said pro dungeon, my first scene in Denver was at one of the dungeons…as a submissive. I played there again shortly there after, again as a submissive, even though I had started playing with F as a top, and then a switch, with us giving the power back and forth. Sadly, an incredibly frustrating and a bit of a heart wrenching break up with her made me feel uncomfortable going back to that dungeon, given some of her actions.

So then I started going to more parties at another public dungeon, and at the private one.  While I bottomed occasionally, such as when I had the lovely Mistress Saskia perform fire cupping on me, suddenly, people were asking me more and more to hit them, to top them, to beat THEM up.  I had done it before….before F, then with F. And I had a few skill sets – I’ve been going to BDSM educational classes/workshops for six years.  Ergo, in many situations, I did. I paddled and cropped and caned and flogged. I suddenly learned of the joy of sharp objects, and I began to use vampire gloves and knives as part of my scenes. 

It was odd.  When I identified as a submissive, most people (K was a noted exception) kept asking me if I was sure, if perhaps I wasn’t a switch.  People would tell me they just couldn’t see me as a submissive. It wasn’t that I talked back a lot, or that I “wouldn’t” submit.  They just didn’t get it.

But then, once I started topping people (and in the beginning, it was definitely topping – I wasn’t in the mental space to be dominating people at this point), no one asked me if I was sure I was a top. In fact, people I didn’t know started asking me to top them…quite odd for me, as I was still trying to figure out what was up with my submissive identity.

Since then, I’ve pushed and pulled on parts of myself. Trying to figure things out.  Q came into the picture, and I perverted her life up reeeeeal fast.  Luckily for me, she likes kinky shit. A lot. Not always to the public extent that I do (our first play party was the beginning of May – she didn’t go back with me again until sometime in July), but she humors me.

It’s interesting. I like it when she tops me…and sometimes, even if she doesn’t feel she’s dominating me, I slip into submissive space (yessir nosir, floaty, you know the spiel). However, that does happen very often.  In fact, our relationship has fallen into such a place that she calls me Mistress, I am her Mistress, and she is mine…about 90% of the time. It’s only a sexual thing – she’s not gung ho about service when we’re not sceneing or in a dungeon/club, nor do I want her to be.  She’s not super into pain, but has definitely pushed her limits for me. I’m going to write about this whole Mistress thing at some point.

But it’s not just with Q.  Other Tops/Doms/Dommes/Mistress/Masters let me play with their bottoms/subs/slaves/bois/girls/boys/etc. I’ve had them hand over their partners to me, telling me to cane/slap/bite/paddle/flog/so on them for a while. I personally like it best when they tell me to just do whatever I want to them. I get invited to FemDom socials. Most people in my community see me as a Top/Dominant person who occasionally bottoms.

When did this happen? I have no idea. The first time I fell into a top role, I was in an uncomfortable sexual situation, and that was the only way I could think of getting through said situation without having to take off my clothes (and it worked). From there, it seems to have been a snowball rolling downhill.

And me? How do I identify now? Well, on my Fetlife profile, I identify as a kinkster, because deep down, isn’t that what most of us tend to be? As far as me though, I don’t know. I’m Q’s Mistress, who occasionally bottoms/submits to my partner Q. I top many people at parties and whatnot. I, for a few months, had a house boy, and I was his Domme. I bottom to a select few people; Mistress Saskia, a wonderful man who does excellent fire play with me, Lady Arcayda, and a few others.  When K and I have played, I bottom to him.  So I suppose I’m a switch with dominant tendencies? But really, what does it all even mean?