Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smart, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome.  I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely person I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. She also plays bass in an awesome band – Speakeasy Tiger.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected.  We played at Thunder in the Mountains in 2008, but otherwise, are just really good friends. She now writes for the GLBTQ magazine in Denver and is freaking awesome!

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with him.

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago. He tried to add me on Facebook recently. I declined.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

On 16th Street in Denver last year for New Year

Last year…I found myself wandering alone on 16th street in Downtown Denver until I ran into some friends of my Ex (F) and F’s sister…and this guy I’d had a crush on back when I was 13 and in HS.

I made out with him on New Years. He was the best kisser of any of the cisgender guys I’ve kissed (a LOT and 98% of them were horrible kissers), and he was fun.

I actually got a bit of a crush on him…until I found out he has NO interested in me…not because of my personality or looks. But because I was queer, or in his eyes, a lesbian. He told a mutual friend that he’d “never” consider having sex or dating a lesbian, or even a bisexual woman. Why? Because it was hard enough competing with other men…why would he want to compete with women as well?

Yeah. Total douche hat. I hate that dumb statement.  Lesbians often say the same thing about dating/fucking bisexual women. It is  just as bigoted there.

Luckily, I found the right person for me. She doesn’t care who I find attractive, as long as I make kitty and dino noises, and we fuck each other senseless. I have no idea what we’re going to do this year, and what life has in store for us, but there isn’t anyone else I’d rather have by my side.

You can also read my new year wishes in my Front Range Femme Column at Out Front Colorado.

Happy New Year to one and all!

-Essin’ Em

I’ve written about this new subject some over the past year, but I figured you can always write about it more.

When I moved back to Denver, I slowly edged my way into the scene, attending parties, munches, classes, etc.  Denver is lucky enough to have three public/membership dungeons, and one really really awesome pro-domination house/private dungeon that happens to throw really cool public parties a few times a month. While my first fetish party was at said pro dungeon, my first scene in Denver was at one of the dungeons…as a submissive. I played there again shortly there after, again as a submissive, even though I had started playing with F as a top, and then a switch, with us giving the power back and forth. Sadly, an incredibly frustrating and a bit of a heart wrenching break up with her made me feel uncomfortable going back to that dungeon, given some of her actions.

So then I started going to more parties at another public dungeon, and at the private one.  While I bottomed occasionally, such as when I had the lovely Mistress Saskia perform fire cupping on me, suddenly, people were asking me more and more to hit them, to top them, to beat THEM up.  I had done it before….before F, then with F. And I had a few skill sets – I’ve been going to BDSM educational classes/workshops for six years.  Ergo, in many situations, I did. I paddled and cropped and caned and flogged. I suddenly learned of the joy of sharp objects, and I began to use vampire gloves and knives as part of my scenes. 

It was odd.  When I identified as a submissive, most people (K was a noted exception) kept asking me if I was sure, if perhaps I wasn’t a switch.  People would tell me they just couldn’t see me as a submissive. It wasn’t that I talked back a lot, or that I “wouldn’t” submit.  They just didn’t get it.

But then, once I started topping people (and in the beginning, it was definitely topping – I wasn’t in the mental space to be dominating people at this point), no one asked me if I was sure I was a top. In fact, people I didn’t know started asking me to top them…quite odd for me, as I was still trying to figure out what was up with my submissive identity.

Since then, I’ve pushed and pulled on parts of myself. Trying to figure things out.  Q came into the picture, and I perverted her life up reeeeeal fast.  Luckily for me, she likes kinky shit. A lot. Not always to the public extent that I do (our first play party was the beginning of May – she didn’t go back with me again until sometime in July), but she humors me.

It’s interesting. I like it when she tops me…and sometimes, even if she doesn’t feel she’s dominating me, I slip into submissive space (yessir nosir, floaty, you know the spiel). However, that does happen very often.  In fact, our relationship has fallen into such a place that she calls me Mistress, I am her Mistress, and she is mine…about 90% of the time. It’s only a sexual thing – she’s not gung ho about service when we’re not sceneing or in a dungeon/club, nor do I want her to be.  She’s not super into pain, but has definitely pushed her limits for me. I’m going to write about this whole Mistress thing at some point.

But it’s not just with Q.  Other Tops/Doms/Dommes/Mistress/Masters let me play with their bottoms/subs/slaves/bois/girls/boys/etc. I’ve had them hand over their partners to me, telling me to cane/slap/bite/paddle/flog/so on them for a while. I personally like it best when they tell me to just do whatever I want to them. I get invited to FemDom socials. Most people in my community see me as a Top/Dominant person who occasionally bottoms.

When did this happen? I have no idea. The first time I fell into a top role, I was in an uncomfortable sexual situation, and that was the only way I could think of getting through said situation without having to take off my clothes (and it worked). From there, it seems to have been a snowball rolling downhill.

And me? How do I identify now? Well, on my Fetlife profile, I identify as a kinkster, because deep down, isn’t that what most of us tend to be? As far as me though, I don’t know. I’m Q’s Mistress, who occasionally bottoms/submits to my partner Q. I top many people at parties and whatnot. I, for a few months, had a house boy, and I was his Domme. I bottom to a select few people; Mistress Saskia, a wonderful man who does excellent fire play with me, Lady Arcayda, and a few others.  When K and I have played, I bottom to him.  So I suppose I’m a switch with dominant tendencies? But really, what does it all even mean?

-Essin’ Em

But I thought you might enjoy some instances of when laughter is necessary.

*When M and I were hooking up, there were many amusing things. Such as the infamous “My Anus is Bleeding” interaction, and the conversation about her being my pet. 

*F and I were fucking once, and heard a crack. She paused. “Don’t you fucking even think about stopping.” She looked at me inquisitively. “I don’t bloody know what that was but fuck me harder NOW!”  About an hour or so later, we were cuddling, and I got up to go to the bathroom.  When I came back, I looked at the bed, and her. She’d rolled towards the middle.  In fact, the whole bed had sunk into the the middle.  After we took apart the whole bed, we found out that she, in the oh-so-important process of fucking me, broke my frame in two places, and bent it in another.  It was about 2am, and we were trying to take apart a broken bed, and put it back together. All we could do was laugh.

*I thought the other night that I had a brilliant idea. Now, often, during sex I have many “brilliant ideas.”  Usually, I’m smart enough to think things through, and warn my partners that I’m about to try something that may in fact be ridiculous. An epic fail.  Like the one time I had one hand deep inside Q, and was trying to put a condom on my Hitachi, with one hand (PS – putting condoms on Hitachis is fucking hard with TWO hands – they should make Hitachi specific safer sex covers). I tore the condom open (carefully) with my teeth. I tried to oh so smoothly slide the condom over the Hitachi (after telling Q to look away in case it went horrible wrong…and of course, she didn’t). Yeah, some how (no idea how) snapped the damn condom into my breasts…hard enough to leave a mark.  Second try, I got it on, but was still laughing really hard. Anyways, the other night, I had an idea. I forgot to tell Q about my idea though…I just made her stay on her knees on my bed, legs spread apart, hands handcuffed behind her neck. I thought it would be a genius idea to go down on her by sliding underneath her on my back, and eat her out that way.

Ultimate FAIL.  I got come all over my face. I’m talking about not being able to breathe, sealing my eyes shut, in my eyebrows, in my hair (a bit ala Something About Mary). I was so distracted by all of the come (as fun as it was) and trying to breathe that I wasn’t able to properly eat her out. I wound up laughing a lot before pushing her back on the bed.

When people fall off the bed, or snap themselves in the boob with a condom, or so other similarly silly things, all you can do is laugh. And keep going. If you can’t laugh, then what can you do?

I share these stories with you not because I enjoy people laughing at me (although sometimes I do).  I share them because I think I have pretty fucking phenomenal sex.  I haven’t had an unsatisfying sexual experience in over a year.  Lately, it’s been really great amazing sex…with F, with S, with Q.  And you know what? It hasn’t been smooth, perfect, everything goes as planned sex. F and I laughed all the damn time.  S tried to tied me up with a sling of sort around my neck that I almost strangled myself with, and I couldn’t get the damn condom on the Hitachi.  With Q, I’ve had Kali decide to sit on my ass for a good 30 or 40 minutes while I was between Q’s legs, going down on her. I’ve said really awkward things. We’ve spooned with Kinsey.

Sex is fun. It’s funny. It HAS to be. There will be sex fails, just as there will be successes.  Why not enjoy it?

-Essin’ Em

I have an odd relationship w/ menstrual blood. I personally hate *my* period, and love that with CBC, I can have it once a year…and have no problem being fucked during that time. It isn’t the bleeding that bothers me. It’s the pain, and inability to walk for a day or two, and the pain, and the nausea, and the…anyways. I have it once a year or so, ergo, I rarely have to think about the role that bloody plays in my sex life.

J had some body dysphoria regarding bleeding that I hadn’t been aware of, and the one time we tried having sex during J’s bleeding, J flipped out and I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening comforting. I felt awful. I know, not entirely my fault, but I’m Jewish – I feel guilt like a professional

F was only ok with it the last day or so of hers.  We were together long enough that I started to remember her cycle, and to figure out the few days she wasn’t ok with it.  Usually by the time I got the “all clear” from her, I might get a little hint of blood on my hands or the glove, but barely enough to even notice.

A week or two ago, things changed. The other day, I needed sex so god damn fucking badly. I cannot explain this. I mean, I was humping bike racks in downtown Boulder. Masturbating wasn’t cutting it. I tried to booty call text Q. “This isn’t really a good week” she said. At first, I thought she was busy, and was confused…wasn’t she done with stuff for spring break? “Ok.” I wrote back, frustrated.  How were we supposed to be using each other for sex if there wasn’t any sex taking place?

Later that night, it hit me. It was that time of the month for her, must be. I texted her “you know I’m totally ok with fucking people who are bleeding, right?” (oh, I was so that suave. No, really.). She wrote back puzzledly. This went on for a bit, and later we were talking about something else, and I brought it up on the phone. I explained that I had no issues with it, and had a throe, towels, and a shower, so it’d be fine.  We then made arrangements for fucking a few days down the road.

I didn’t bring up the fact that I have a fantasy about fisting someone on their period, and then smearing their blood all over them in sort of a fun, fucking artistic statement. And on me too. I think it would be interesting and fun, and probably creep out 99% of the people I’ve had sex with.  So welcome to secret sharing 101 – I’ve never told anyone that before.

Long story short, we fucked. And it was bloody and messy. That’s what the Fascinator Throe is for, right? A red towel to clean up afterward, and voila.

Actually, it was very interesting. Normally, Q is a two finger kind of cunt. Well, her cunt is, I don’t mean to call her one. Anyways, as I started to fuck her, I slid into her, and she opened for me. First for three fingers, then for four. I was shocked, but it felt amazing as I felt her open up, as I found more and more of myself inside her.  And I even had a first (I don’t have that many firsts anymore); I felt her cervix.  Not only that, but she liked it (I’ve had my cervix bumped a few times and did NOT like it. In fact, I hated it. Resulted in pain and cramping).  She liked it so much that I continued to play with it…I massage her cervix as I fingered her and fucked her. Now I’m wondering if she likes that when she’s not bleeding.

Then I washed the Throe, boiled the toys, popped the condom off the Hitachi, and called it a day.

So voila. My thoughts on fucking during bleeding. As long as both parties are ok with it, I have absolutely no problem with it, and even think it’s fun. Plus, for many people, orgasming during that time can reliving cramping.  As if you really needed another reason to fuck!

-Essin’ Em

Following in Amber’s footsteps, I’ve decided to give you a quick and dirty post about all of the letters (and come names) you will find in my blog. Some of them have been in my life, and are no longer (or are no longer an active part of my life), others you’ll read about currently. So voila; the Key to Essin’ Em, and her semi-love, more kink and sex life. It’s KIND OF (kind of being the operative part) in chronological order. Let me know if I’m missing anyone.

Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smary, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome. I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely woman I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. I really want to play with her at some point, but that remains to be seen.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected. She’s currently in NY, but will hopefully come back when she graduates college in May. We played at Thunder in the Mountains last year, but otherwise, are just really good friends.

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with hi,

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

Well, welcome to my cyclical life. This time, it wasn’t L, but Q.   She read my post from a few days ago, about needing to define. She stepped up, and suggested we talked.  First, I panicked…you know, when someone you know is not big about having “what is this” discussions and suggests it, and you kind of freak out, because you have a history of that happening and turning into “so, sex has been great and fun, but I’m moving on and not that into it, so thanks and bye.”  Anyways, it wasn’t that. And thanks to Natt Nightly for reminding me to breathe and not second guess people. But she did tell me that some of the things I had done had made her nervous. We’re fine now, happy with what is going on, and on the same page. Friends who fuck. Yay.

But I’m frustrated. With myself, and with others. When I am myself, and do the things that come naturally to me, people thing I’m moving too fast/falling in love/doing too much. When I don’t do them, people think I’m using people for sex, or that I’m selfish, heartless and emotionless. When I don’t open up and share many of my emotions, people tell me I am stuck in my head and not in my heart space (F), that I’m cold, that I have trust issues, that I use people for sex.  When I try to talk about my emotions, or at least share them somewhat, people tell me I’m oversharing, overstepping boundaries, relying too much on others, highly emotional, high maintenance, etc.  Or they take my trust, and then break it.

I feel like I’m a rubber ball, bouncing back and forth. I’m sick of no one “getting” me, of not understanding me.  Someone said the other day how nice it is, and how good it feels when you’re “gotten.”  She was referring to Butch/Femme identities, but I think it applies over all.  The only person in my life who “gets” me, and doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing things wrong at least sometimes is my best friend…I mean, who else suggests dying your hair bright blue to match their wedding colors?

But her aside, I feel like a freak. I have never found a place (in real life, or online) where I fit in. I’ve never found other people like me.  I am alone. I’d love a community. But everywhere I go, I feel like I’m messed up until I adjust to fit, until I change myself so that it’s comfortable for other people.

Yeah. That’s it.

-Essin’ Em

I took this picture for Queer Eye Candy’s month of February’s theme; holding a paper heart. I sent them in, but only towards the end of the month, so I don’t think they’ll make it up. My paper heart says: My heart is full of love and lust and thoughts and kindness and caring and sweetness and wonder and questions and caring and light and …“

There is a line in the Vagina Monologues, in the piece I Was There in the Room. It says that the both the heart, and the vagina are capable of sacrifice.  That they both open to let us in and expand to let us out. It’s very true.

I am half nekkid in this picture, not in the more traditional way, but my heart is naked. I don’t write that much about love and feelings and caring. Usually, my heart is only mentioned when it has been bruised…hurt…mangled. But it also has so much positiveness. Sometimes, I love my friends (and two of my past partners) so much that I feel my heart will burst. I’m so proud of them, so enamored with them, so filled with love for all of these wonderful people.

My heart is huge. Is it. It holds so much. And you know, while it can let things out, I usually decide to keep them.  I finally spoke with J again the other day, and she (using female pronouns now) is getting her shit together. I still feel for her in my heart, and am so proud of her. F came last week, and gave me flowers at my show, telling me I was amazing and truly deserved them. I felt love for her still. I love her still. Not in love, no, and I realize that no, we should not be partners. But to me, love is something that can grow and shrink in intensity, but it never leaves your heart.

I have friends I have seen in three, five, even ten years that I’ve been reconnecting with. It isn’t nearly as hard as one might expect. Why? Because there is still love for them inside me, I just need to rekindle it.

Recently, I had my six-word memoir on Love and Heartbreak published in that book. I’m on page 64 (which is a perfect square. That makes me happy…and nerdy).  What did I say?

“My heart is my strongest muscle.”

Why? Because your heart gets a work out, physically and emotionally.  We equate it with feelings, and emotions, and love, and heartache. We also need it to keep going, to keep living…to pump our blood through our bodies. We give it exercise – both at the gym, and in relationships; with friends, lovers, partners, family. Sometimes, we over work it, we exhaust it. Sometimes we pull this muscle…we do something that hurts it, and we need to give it time to recover. But it doesn’t break. No. My other 6-word thought was “my heart is bruised, not broken.”  We talk of broken hearts, but really, our hearts don’t break. They just need time to recover.  When our hearts are healed and healthy, we rely on them so much, we use them so much, we NEED them. So yes, my heart is my strongest muscle. It does so much for me…and I can only try to give back.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday! Open your heart.

-Essin’ Em

I like what we have. Sometimes, we hang out. Sometimes, we just have sex. Sometimes, we hang out AND have sex.

She came to see the Vagina Monologues with some of her friends from grad school. Some of my long time friends didn’t even come, so that was really fucking nice to have people I knew (also L and F. All in the same night. Oy, but yay) there.

She was really supportive during my drama with Kali. I even kinda sorta almost cried on the phone with her.

But. So. Um. What? I kinda like her. As more than just a fuck buddy. Now, this friends with benefits thing is great, and I don’t want to fuck that up…but I’m kind of wondering if she might kinda sorta possibly be interested in more. But. What is more? I don’t want to live together, or to spend multiple days in a row with each other right now. I don’t want kids or marriage, or….

So do I just leave it? Does it matter what it is?

Half of me wants an answer.  This is what we are, this is where we’re headed for now, etc. It wants to be on the same page so nothing can hurt.  The other half says it doesn’t fucking matter. It just wants to let things go where they go, be what they are, and stop over thinking everything. This begs that question;

When do you have to define? And DO you have to define?

When F and I were seeing each other, it was like hello, and welcome to Communication City.  To me, there was over communication. If I didn’t bring up EVERYTHING to talk about (even things I didn’t think were a big deal at all to me), I was being closed off. During sex, we talked a lot, and told each other we were hot and beautiful and what we wanted and needed – and that was good. There was lots of “what are we, who are we, what are we feeling, where are we going, etc.” Sometimes, I felt smothered by too much communication.  Q is the opposite. She doesn’t process (which, right now, is fucking brilliant!). But she also doesn’t really communicate…not during sex, though I can coach it out of her (but did I mention that the sex is really good?), not after while cuddling. She just doesn’t.  Which is ok, but it makes it really hard for me to pull the “I like where things are, and they don’t need to change, but how do you see our relationship as two people, and do you see it continuing in the future?” card that I so desperately want to bust out. I mean, we’re had the safer sex talk. And the other day, I checked to make sure we were both on the non-monogamy page (Me: “we’re not monogamous, right?” Her: “What? I thought we were totally monogamous.” Me: *BIG EYES* “What???” Her: “I was kidding. Non-monogamous, yes.”)

So. Do I try to define? Or no? If yes, when? And if not…well. Then what?

-Essin’ Em