Sexuality Happens

Was linked to this picture below via a friend who found it on this here blog.

Half of me finds it really funny. Why? Because I’d heard all of these, and had all of them done to me/used on me.  Far more often than I’d like to admit.  And I think that in many cases, humor catches people, starts conversation, etc.

The other half of me wants to find a better name for it. Because not all straight men (not even all stupid straight men) say these things…and honestly, dykes say really bigoted things too, like knocking down “breeders” and kink people often tell “vanilla” people that they just haven’t found their kink yet. I wrote about this type of discrimination here on my professional site.

So yes, it’s funny.  But I think that when we share funny things like this, we also need to have some sort of discussion about how we can change this, and how we can ourselves not be discriminatory to other groups because we hold on to our own identities so strongly (as do the “stupid straight men” represented here).

Just my two cents…

-Essin’ Em

A friend of mine, Audacia Ray, is doing some great research along with some other researchers in regards to what people can access at public libraries on the internet, including both websites and using search terms.  It’s really sad that in many places, things that are put in place to “protect” us then wind up hindering us from finding important information. I remember in High School, the library blocked the term breast as pornographic, so you couldn’t look up breast cancer, or anything about self exams. On the same note, when I was in a class where I had to do a presentation on contraception, and one on Tay-Sachs, I couldn’t find a lot of the information I needed, as many search terms were block. 

Many people cannot afford their own computer or internet access in their place, so they use public libraries to ascertain information. By blocking them from getting information about abortion decisions, anal health, and transgender/transsexual identities, we are doing the public a HUGE disservice.  Below is information on the study; all you have to do in order to help out is go to your local library, type in www.infoandthelibrary.org and fill out the survey on the site.

I hope if you have a free moment, you participate in this very important research.  It’s an easy way to give back and help support sex positivity with very little time and no financial obligation.

-Essin’ Em

We are investigating the use of content filters on public library computers with Internet access. The priority research areas are access to information about sexuality and sexual reproductive health. We need help with this work, and request that people all over the United States visit their local public library and do some simple searches. In places with filters, the items that are filtered are not standard across systems. Filtering today cannot be fine-tuned to exclude only pornographic or violent content rather than health information. For example, in a large east coast city, only the word “anal” seemed to be filtered, which prevented people from gaining access to information about anal cancer as well as any potential sexual content. www.infoandthelibrary.com

Photo Source

Having a partner who identifies as “GQ” on Fetlife, and many friends that identify publicly as genderqueer, it is amazing how difficult it is to definite the word.

In starting my new group, I mentioned (when talking about what a safe space looks like),that instead of making assumptions, it’s always better to ask.  The example I gave was that instead of just staring at someone genderqueer identified, wondering what the hell it means, it’s always better to just ask.

So some awesome, open-minded person messaged me, and asked me just that. What IS genderqueer?

I get asked this question a lot. And it’s hard everytime. How do you define something that, in essence, is trying to be outside of definition.

This was my quick answer to her:

Genderqueer is an identity that is pretty fluid. It usually goes for someone who doesn’t identify as male, female, or trans (in that they are not transitioning from one sex to another). They may identfy as more masculine or more feminine, or neither, or they may have days where they feel more masculine, and then days where they feel more feminine, or they may even reject the gender binary completely. Instead of saying “well, I guess my gender is ____” and having to check a box, they’ve decided that their gender is exactly what it is, how they feel it is that day, and so on. Similar to the orientation of “queer” this is the gender version of it.

And it works as a quick answer. Yes, genderqueer is queering the gender binary, in a similar way that queer is queering the orientation binary/trinary.  But I just feel a little unsatisfied. Really, how do you explain gender queer?

So I’ve decided to open it up to the interwebs at large. Y’all are smart people. I mean, yes, you can google it. You can look at the wikipedia page, you can read all you want.  The internet is a wonderful thing.

But that doesn’t always put forth an answer. I’ve found that the definition of queer varies immensely depending on who you ask, so I can only assume that gender queer is the same way.

I ask of you: WHAT IS GENDERQUEER?  Whether you identify as such, or have partner/friends/family who does, or have no correlation to it, I want to hear your thoughts and definitions as to what genderqueer is/means/is defined/etc.

Ready? GO!

-Essin’ Em

Lots of people have been asking me about how my new job at Fascinations as their Resident Sex Educator and Online Media Specialist is going. The answer? Just swimmingly.  As you can see above, they got our sex ed department a full sized vulva puppet, who we’ve named Vivian the Vivacious Vulva. Side note: a reader bought me a mini vulva puppet, who is ADORABLE, and who I’ve named Veronica, for when I do my own sex ed classes.

Anyways, the above picture is at a Let’s Talk Sex open house. We’ve been doing some sex ed classes, with Tristan Taormino and Oh Meghan, and are really looking to expand this spring.  We’ve got a whole list of awesome educators that I can’t tell you about till they’re confirmed, but it’s going to be super cool.

Obviously, I went to Vegas for the AEE and AVNs.  It was awesome. But we’ve already talked about that.  Let’s talk about new things.

We’ve stopped selling anal eaze, shrink creams and numbing balms on our site. You can read about it here.  Taking it out of stores will be a longer process that involves educating the customer, but we’re on that too.

We’ll be working with Sex 2.0 on sponsorship of this awesome event.

We’ll be doing video reviews on our blog.

We’re sending out other items to be reviewed and or given away on other blogs.

We’re consistantly rocking out on our facebook and twitter, including giveaways.

In many of our stores, we now carry Good Releasing titles, and will have them online soon!

Soon, we’ll have an awesome new affiliate program where we’ll have a 30% commission payout! (info coming on that).

We’ve brought some great sex education writers on board as well.

I got to go give an awesome safer sex/general sexuality talk to a dorm on the ASU campus…including tons of free condoms, lube, some dams, and toy giveways.

I also got to go with Q (not pictured obviously) to the Arizona Fetish Ball, as seen below:

Plus, we’re giving members of local kink organizations in AZ and CO 10% off of all in store purchases.

Yeah. While the whole getting up ridiculously early to get to work thing is frustrating (my ideal work schedule; 10am-7pm), I do love this job, and I’m so excited about the change we’re enacting at FunLove.com.

-Essin’ Em

This post is based on thoughts I’ve been having for a long time, and then inspired by a post over at Alphafemme about the Markers of a Queer Femme.

She talks about goals she has that to her, seem very Femme.  However, if taken out of the context of her being queer, would there be any difference between a queer woman (femme identified) and a straight woman writing it.

Q and I were having a similar discussion the other night when out with a straight friend.  Q said something to her about being a Femme, and I took a little offense, but before speaking up, I asked our friend if she identified as a femme.

“Well, I like wearing heels sometimes, and make up, but it’s not like I do it every day.”

This then lead into a conversation of what does femme mean, and the different between femme and feminine. Etc.  This discussion I’ve had a lot, both online and in real life. I myself had a lot of trouble choosing the femme identity at first; I had confused it with feminine, and at the time, I was very anti the concept of feminine.  People talked to me about being a femme, and I’d answer with “but I don’t wear heels or lipstick, and I hate pink. Ergo, I can’t be a femme.”  Then, after much conversation, I realized that femme is not about skirts, or make-up, or shoes.  It’s about embodying an attitude.

Later that night, once our friend had gone home, Q and I were still talking about it.  She asked me if straight woman could be femmes (similar to a convo had online with other as to whether straight women and men could be butch).

I don’t have an answer.  But I want to say no. Why? Because *my* identity is developed around the concept of femme.  About being a strong queer woman who has femme wiles, but isn’t feminine per se. About being able to open the door but loving it when Q does it anyways. About being able to cook and then change a tire, all while wearing either jeans/t-shirt or heels and a pencil skirt.  To me, femme has become an extension of my queer-ness, a bridge between my orientation and my gender.

And it’s really hard for me to envision someone who hasn’t go through some of the things queer folk go through (disbelief as really being queer, having to fight for our rights, having our emotional and physical safety challenged, having our partners made fun of, etc) still being able to understand and embody that identity. To me, being femme is when someone calls Q “lady” and I comfort her and assure her than she is really such a handsome boi.  Being femme is when I can talk to people about gender who would never listen to someone who presents as gender queer. Femme is when someone says “that’s so gay” about his friend at the grocery store, and I tap them on the shoulder and say “no….I’m gay. The end.”

Am I being a gender hog? Perhaps.  I *know* deep down that it shouldn’t fucking matter. I’ve met queer men who identify as femme, and I don’t have as much of an issue. Gender isn’t a line or anything — it’s a schmorgasboard, and you can pick and choose exactly how you identify. If you want to be a glitter slut tranny boi fag, you can do it. So I’m not sure why I have such issues with straight women identifying as Femmes, but it’s totally a hang up for me.

Does it mean that straight women can’t be femme? Of course not. I’m not the gender police.  On the other hand, does it mean I’m uncomfortable with the terminology appropriation, just like I am when I cis-guy tells me he’s “just like all the other dykes I know”?  Yes. Very much so.

Thoughts?

-Essin’ Em

Q is genderqueer. For the most part, she identifies as a butch dyke.  For the most part, she uses feminine pronouns. When we’re in public, and there are no gender neutral bathrooms, she chooses to use the women’s bathroom, if she really really really has to go and there are no other options.  So yes, she is a “woman” by many cultural standards.

But she isn’t one. She’s genderqueer.  Everyone morning, I watch her put on two sports bras (or the new Frog bra/binder I got her) to try and squish down her chest, and every night I watch as she takes them off, angry red lines around her ribcage the only evidence of how hard she tries to hide what she feels doesn’t fit her gender.

There are times where it takes us an hour or two to get ready to go out, not because we have to look perfect, but because that day, her hips seem to show too much in outfits, or her chest isn’t flat enough for the shirts she wants to wear. I look at her and tell her how handsome she is, how much she looks like a frat boy (minus the popped collar), but it seems as though nothing I say can convince her.

Sometimes, there are mini (or maxi) gender melt downs.  Something usually triggers it; something someone said to her (like calling us ladies), something I said that I didn’t realize. Or maybe it’s looking in the mirror, or not having clothes fit the way she wants.  She’s start crying, and she’s inconsolable. I understand why…but I WANT to fix it, and feel completely powerless and inept that I can’t.  It’s similar to when I have disability melt downs; there’s nothing anyone can say to make it better; it’s both an internal issue and a social contruction, and nothing can just make you feel better or make it go away.  So I lie there with her, and I hold her.

It’s hard. I wish there was an answer. When I was in Denver, she called me in tears; someone, a high school student on campus for some conference, had called her out in the women’s bathroom, asking her what she was doing in there.  Half of me wanted to tell her it was going to be ok, tell her to fuck ‘em, tell her that I loved her (which I did), but the other half wanted to say CONGRATS! You’re getting viewed the way you want to be.  You’re making people think outside the binary.  But I didn’t. Why? Because that doesn’t make it any easier given that she’s going to have to go to the women’s restroom at work every day. She’s the only genderqueer appearing staff member in her building (and one of very few on campus). She’s very alone.

While I have issues with Femme Invisibility, I know my frustration with that doesn’t even hold a candle to this. I just can’t imagine how she feels. I wish I could hold her and fix it and make it better. I wish it was “just” an issue of money; I’d say up, and get her top surgery, and it would all be better.

But this runs so deep. It is entrenched in many layers of herself, and in many aspects of society.

So what so I do? How can I be there? What does support look like? I’ve aksed her…sometimes she answers, and sometimes she tells me that she doesn’t even know.

I don’t know what I’m asking here. Tips? Ideas? Empathy?

-Essin’ Em

Some people like birth control. Some people hate it. Tons and tons of people are on it for a variety of reasons.

People are always shocked when I tell them I’ve been on the Nuva Ring for years…and am STILL on it. I’ve been on birth control of various sorts (different pills, the patch, the ring) for seven years now. I went off of it for 2.5 months this fall as a test…and guess who is planning to go right back on it?

I love that people assume that birth control is only used by women who are having sex with cisgender men.  I haven’t been sexually active with a cisgender man AT ALL in two years (well, there was a kiss on New Year’s Eve last year), and haven’t had any type of sex that MIGHT possibly make babies in almost four years.  Yet I’ve been on hormonal birth control for the better part of a decade.

Why? Because I get horrible, life consuming (and calling out of school/work) cramps pretty much any time I bleed.  And the whole bleeding thing? Well, I’ve been off hormones from the Nuva Ring for about 75 days.  I’ve been bleeding for at least 30 of them. My body doesn’t get it, never has. I first started on the pill because I had three weeks of bleeding in six weeks when I was 17.  Yeah.  I hadn’t been off the hormones since then, and clearly, it didn’t learn anything.

I wish there was a better answer than using CBC (continuous birth control) where I go from ring to ring, only taking a break to bleed twice a year, or when my body decides to tell the hormones “fuck you” and I bleed anyways.  I wish I could get an IUD or an implant or something…but those are to prevent babies, not to stop your period, and that’s all I use BC for.

I hated the pill – I could never remember to take it at the same time, and if I was off by more than an hour or two, I’d start bleeding (I know, right?).  I tried the patch, but a quarter of a corner would peel up, and bam – I’d start bleeding.  I love the ring.  I can accidentally leave it in an extra day, and it’s not blood bath and beyond right away. I never feel it.  I just change it once a month. I’m one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get a headache from it, and it helps my skin out (as I figured out when I got off of it and suddenly had acne like I was a 15 year old again).

So I raise my glass to you, my $40 a month Nuva Ring. Thank goddess I found you so that I can function, and not be participating in Shark Week for a few weeks of every month.  I wish you were cheaper, I wish I didn’t need you, I wish people didn’t make assumptions about me because I use you…but regardless, I am glad that you exist.

That is all.

-Essin’ Em

Look! Look! Finally someone is doing some research oon same-sex couples who are engaged to be married/committed. Granted, I’m sure there are others out there, but look! Someone cared enough to tap into the queer blog community to find more couples, and to do their research and all that.  So hurray!

Please show the academic world that we care. If you recognize us, we will help you. If you fit the criteria and are willing, please let this researcher know you’d like to be involved. Feel free to repost.

-Essin’ Em

Engaged same-sex volunteers needed!

I am looking for volunteers for a study of attitudes towards marriage and parenthood among engaged couples.  The study consists of a 25-30 minute online survey. To qualify for the study, you must be 20-35 years old, live in the U.S., and plan to marry or have a commitment ceremony within the next 365 days. You and your romantic partner must not have children, and this must be the first marriage for both of you.
You can:

-Help a doctoral candidate;
-Increase the pool of scientific knowledge;
-Support research on marriage and families; and
-Spend some time thinking about your relationship!

I am working with Dr. Charlotte J. Patterson, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia.  This study has been approved by the University of Virginia Institutional Review Board #2009025800.

If you and/or your romantic partner are interested in participating or want further information, please email me at survey.couples@gmail.com.  I will send you a link that you can use to access the study.

Thanks!

Cristina Reitz-Krueger
Doctoral Student
University of Virginia
(434) 243-8558
survey.couples@gmail.com

Good For Her Emerging Filmmaker Award
Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards: April 8th and April 9th,2010

• Filmmakers must be 19 years old and must submit proof of age with application (Copy of valid Drivers License and/or Passport)
• Filmmakers must not have won a previous FPA award
• Filmmakers must not currently have a distribution deal.
• Filmmakers must submit a written personal statement out lining their current and/or proposed creative project(s). Personal statements must illuminate the ways in which the proposed work will contribute to feminist porn as a genre.  We want to know what you are planning on doing, how you plan to do it and why you think it’s sexy!
• Good For Her will ask for material from winner to be shown at Awards Ceremony which may or may not include video acceptance speech, current project reel and/or clips. Written statements and image to be provided by winner for use in online and print promotional material for Good For Her and sponsoring companies.
• All applicants will be notified by e-mail when material is received by Good For Her and winners will not be announced to the public until the Awards ceremony on April 9^th, 2010. Should the winner of the EFA be unable to attend the awards, Good For Her reserves the right to request a video acceptance speech prior to the event, to be submitted by winner no later than February 15, 2010.
• The costs of sending the DVD will be covered by the film-maker. We will not accept deliveries that have not been paid for. We will not be able to send any submitted work back, so do not send any masters/originals.
• The filmmaker also agrees that clippings of the film (up to 40%) may be shown on TV or online in press coverage of the event without further agreements.
• The film-makers have to confirm that neither Good For Her nor the sponsor can be sued by third parties regarding the rights of this film and accept full liability for the submission of this film which is under their copyright.
• The film-maker agrees with the submission of the film and submission form that they (the applicant) accept the rules of this competition.

The Fifth Annual Good For Her Feminist Porn Awards will be held on April 8th and 9th in Toronto Canada.

Hello!

I wanted to you let you know about a very exciting event is taking place for women of color this year in New Orleans.  The Femme of Color Symposium is an event created by women of color for women of color who self-identify as FEMME.

FOCS2010: Celebrations and Reflections, the inaugural symposium for FEMMES of COLOR, will create the opportunity-through workshops, community building/social activities, presentations, panels, and/or performances-to uncover and discover our similarities, our differences, our needs and how to support one another. It will serve as a launch point for a real-time and virtual nation-wide network of diverse individuals, prompt dialogue, and empower us to cultivate, sustain, and celebrate the vibrant connections we have made among femmes of color.

Check out the rest of the email for information about the hotel, our call for submissions and quick links to our Facebook, registration and website pages.  REGISTER TODAY to take advantage of our Early Registration Rate!

Three days of workshops, 2 keynotes, 1 great evening event and 100s of Femmes of Color rockin’ the Bayou in the French Quarter in historic New Orleans.  This is going to be a weekend to remember.  I hope to see you there!

Miz Chris
FOCS2010 Co-Chair

Astor Crown Plaza – Bourbon Street
The Astor Crowne Plaza is located at the Gateway to the French Quarter where Canal Street meets Bourbon Street. The excitement of the French Quarter awaits you right outside our door. Whether it be world renowned dining or the intoxicating sounds of New Orleans’ Jazz or Blues – you are in the heart of it all. The Astor Crowne Plaza offers easy access to nearby attractions like Harrahs Casino, the Aquarium of the Americas , Jackson Square, Morial Convention Center , Riverwalk Shopping, the New Orleans Sports Arena and the Superdome.

Call for Submissions

Call for Workshops, Papers, Performance, and Art

Femme of Color Symposium (FOCS) 2010: Celebrations and Reflections
March 26-28, 2009
Astor Crowne Plaza
739 Canal Street
New Orleans , Louisiana 70130
www.focs2010.com

FOCS2010: Celebrations and Reflections, the inaugural symposium by and for self-identified FEMMES of COLOR, will create the opportunity-through workshops, community building/social activities, presentations, panels, and/or performances-to uncover and discover our similarities, our differences, our needs and how to build the bridges that will allow us to support each other in all ofwho we are. It will serve as a launch point for a real-time and virtual nation-wide network of diverse individuals, prompt dialogue, and empower us to cultivate, sustain, and celebrate the vibrant connections we have made and will make among femmes of color.

We invite femmes of color from all over the map-community members, artists, academics, homemakers, activists, etc..-to participate in FOCS2010 as presenters and participants.

Submissions of all kinds are welcome. In particular, we hope that the intersections of femme with race, region, class, faith, access, ability, privilege, and marginalization will be talked about, given space, meditated upon, constructed, and deconstructed.

We hope to draw participants from across discipline, medium, and social boundaries. We encourage submissions from anyone interested, regardless of sexual identity (lesbian/gay, bisexual, etc.). We do ask that you read our mission statement before submitting. Though we would not be able to live, love and/or laugh without our many allies, this conference is for elf-identified
femmes of color only.
We are soliciting contributions from any woman who is interested, including (but not limited to):

• Workshops
• Performances
• research presentations
• skill shares
• activist & organizational topics
• visual art
• video or film

Submission deadline is January 31, 2010.
To submit a proposal, please submit the following to Krysia Villon at klvillon at aol dot com. Please put “FOCS Proposal” in the subject header.
*For research presentations, send a 300 word abstract
*For workshop and skillshare proposals, send a 300 word description of your workshop or skillshare ideas
*Visual artists should send samples of work and a 300 word description of their artistic vision
*Performers, filmmakers and other creative artists should contact us for more information
To learn more about us, our mission and to contact us with any questions, comments or concerns, please find us at our website:
www.focs2010.com