And this one is 100% Buck Angel and his awesome-sauce-ness about trans guys, and their health care.

Thank you to both of these fabulous performers for bringing attention to such an important sexuality issue. Way to go you two – thanks so much for talking about trans men with cervixes, and trans women with prostates, and all sorts of other differences that might keep people out of the doctor’s offices, when they really need check ups just as much as anyone else.

If you have good suggestions for resource lists for doctors who are LGB and especially T and Q friendly, please feel free to share!

-Essin’ Em

-Essin’ Em

*Ties (especially gender queer/butch people wearing them)

*Q, especially when dressed up, and properly mohawked

*Eyeglasses

*Lighting

*Massages

*Thunder

*Dark Chocolate

*Ice Cream

*People passionate for social justice

*Corsets/Cinchers

*Gender queer-ness/Gender fuckery

*Other people packing

*The Hitachi Magic Wand

*Duct Tape on my Moose

*Kisses on my neck

*Knives

*Vampire Gloves

*The smell of books (especially old books)

*Black nitrile gloves

*Vaginal Fisting

*Queer Porn

*Introspective Tattoos

*Train rides

*Hotel beds

*Hot tubs

*Pools

*Being submerged

*Snow/rain/fog

*Fire

*Lilac/magnolias/lily of the valley/gladiolas scents

*Leopard print

*Certain music

*Pedicures (this is new, as of last week)

*Having my head pet

*Cuddling

*Grasshoppers (the drink)

*Breasts

I love Cocksexual, because you have such a diversity of hot models, from Miss Calico to Dylan Ryan to Sadie Lune (and Kimberlee Cline, and Billy Castro, and Jiz Lee, and Bella Vendetta, and Syd Blakovich) and many many more all strapped on and wearing and using cocks. Each scene (whether solo or with partners) has both photos and video.

I like the first two pictures, because I think sets with just one person rocking their cock can be extremely hot, and of course Dylan Ryan and Calico (two fierce femmes) have got that well practiced. Then Sadie Lune getting a hot cock blow job from Gloria? Mmmm. Do queer blow jobs get much more delicious than that?

Enjoy the pictures, and see more picture and video by click here and joining Cocksexual!

I got a message back telling me that I was not “ready” for this group, as clearly I needed “Trans 101.” Why? Because I was sick of men messaging me with cock pictures asking if I wanted to play, so I directed all “bio/cis men” to my pro-domme site, telling them I didn’t have sex outside of my relationship with Q (and porn), and that if they wanted me to beat them up, I’d be happy to oblige. For money.

I purposely used the term bio in this context because most of the people messaging me on FetLife that fell into the cock-picture/play with me group would not understand the term cis or cisgender. I reached out to them where they were at. Apparently, this means I need Trans 101.

Their other complaint? I didn’t write enough about femme being my gender on my profile for it to be true. Clearly, I was just making that up. Because it’s not like I don’t write enough here and on the Femme’s Guide about Femme being a gender, and an identity, and so much more than just the feminine side of the spectrum. I ALSO needed to put it on a social network profile page for it to be true (please note, I don’t write about it on Facebook either. Why? Because I’d rather write about why I’m there, promote my blogs, and then have people come read my thoughts on gender in a blog format, rather than a note on Facebook or FetLife).

What I don’t think this person realized as they spat out hateful words towards me was exactly how much they’d hurt. I don’t identify as trans, no. I also don’t think anyone (trans or otherwise) can master gender. Why? Gender is ever constant, ever evolving. Anyone who said they know everything there is about gender is a liar, because by the time they say that, something else will have changed as people create and develop their own identities.

But for them to tell me I needed Trans 101?  Ouch. I like to think I have a fairly good grasp on trans and gender queer ettiquite, having had trans partners (and currently engaged to a person who identifies as gender queer), and having many friends of ALL different identities. I have personally chatted with Kate Bornstein as I drove her around Phoenix. I have shot for Point of Contact making sure people of all genders (including someone who identifies as a T-girl) were represented. I start the majority of my classes/workshops talking about how not everyone with a vagina is a woman, and not every woman has a vagina, etc. In smaller workshops, I ask everyone their pronoun preference before they begin. I’m teaching a workshop for TRANSform Arizona this fall on Safer Sex for Transfolk and Their Lovers (named as such by the trans organizers of this conference). I was always pointing out the difference between sex and gender, and the need to not make assumptions throughout my grad school program. I read gender theory on a regular basis. I try to change cisgender centric policies wherever I go, including aruging with local coffee shops and restaurants about creating gender neutral bathrooms.

I try to be as much of an ally as I can to ALL members of the queer community – this includes speaking out against biph0bia, validating those who are lesbian or gay identified (rather than queer identified), using my visible feminitity to educate those who might not listen to someone who presents differently, working to change policies/laws/rules to be more gender friendly, etc. For someone to tell me I need to take “Trans 101″ cut me pretty deep.

Should it matter? No. I have plenty of friends of all genders and orientations, and they were quick to tell me when this happened how much they appreciated me. However, after all my work in trying to support the T part of the queer community, and to educate myself and others, and to just be there to listen, it fucking hurts to have someone say that to me. I’m a member of the queer community too, and have just gotten a slap in the face. I, as a Femme, am apparently not queer enough to belong, unless I rub my Femme gender in everyone’s face (rather than just on here and the Femme’s guide).

And to that, I say fuck you. How dare you police my identity? How dare you tell me I’m not good enough? How dare you create a hierarchy of oppression within our minority community? You are doing us all a disservice. 

-Essin’ Em

Thanks to Q, I had the opportunity last Wednesday night to go check out the new movie with Annette Benning, Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo, entitled The Kids Are Alright.

Now, the basic plot, as advertised, is that there is a lesbian couple, who have an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. The son convinces the daughter to get in contact with the sperm donor that provided said sperm to create the kids (each mom carried a child). They meet him, and now the family dynamic changes, and the movie ensues.

Voila. It’s supposed to be cool and trendy and did super well at Sundance. I had some hopes for this movie, in that it was showing an LGBTQ family as a REAL family, not as hot and sexy lesbians, or those with issues coming out, or any of the other many ways lesbians have been portayed. They have kids, they have a dining room table, and a house, and conversations and the same issues that every other type of family has with communication, and teenagers, and so on…

And now, for the spoilers. If you don’t want to hear about the actual movie, stop reading now.

Ok, so basically, you have fairly happy family. Some issues, like all families, but there are two teenagers, and two moms, and everyone seems to communicate fairly well and get along, although the moms definitely could have used a couples counselor to help them work through a feel control/free-flowing hippy issues.

Then suddenly, the sperm donor (Paul) is brought into their lives. Jules (Moore) is a more woo-woo, free flowing femme-ish type, and is open to him. Nic (Benning) is a bit more andro/butchy, and seems to be nervous (understandably) about letting this guy into their kids’ lives. Long story short, Nic starts doing Paul’s (Ruffalo) landscaping and BAM. They kiss. And if that wasn’t enough, they start having sex, and the noises she makes with him are waaaay different and seemingly “better” or “more satisfying” (according to the movie) than the sex she has with Nic.  She tells him she’s married, she’s gay, she loves Nic, but then, more sex between Paul and Jules.  Jules keeps it a secret from Nic until they have a family dinner at Paul’s place (Nic is willing and trying to get to know him better), and Nic goes to the bathroom and finds Jules hairbrush…and hair in the drain (like at their home), and then in his bed. The movie ends with them removing Paul from their lives and getting back together and talking about how marriage is tough, but they love each other and will work through it.

My beef? It’s two fold. First of all, this movie perpetuated lesbian stereotype right and left, from the drinking massive amounts of wine to the butch/femme to the station wagon of sorts to the watching gay-male porn, to the being woo-woo and wanting hugs in unison (you’ll have to see it to get it). It made a big deal out of Jules not shaving her legs (gasp!). And worst of all, it perpetuated the stereotype that lesbian relationships don’t work out not because of family/relationship/communication/wants and needs issues, but because truly, all every woman, lesbian or not, wants is OBVIOUSLY a man. Every woman must have a penis in order to feel fulfilled. It also perpetuates the idea that lesbian (or gay or queer) relationships are not as “real” as straight marriage; Paul seems to glaze over the fact that Jules is married to Nic, and even suggests that he and Jules start a life and family together at one point, as if her 18+ year marriage to Nic was completely invalid. Way to give the anti-gay movement fuel for their fire about how dysfunctional lesbian families are.

Issue two? The fact that I feel that this movie is going to stir up even MORE biphobia in the queer community. For some reason, we as a community tend to exclude bi folks as being queer, as if them having a relationship with a cis-man (bi women) or cis-woman (men) makes them “less” queer. Now, while Jules never openly identified as bi, her sexuality was clearly a bit more fluid that just “lesbian/gay,” as she openly enjoyed sex with Paul. So basically, we have a queer or bi acting woman on screen, cheating on her lesbian wife with a man. Which seems to be the issue that is ALWAYS brought up when biphobia rears its ugly head; don’t date bi-women, because they’ll leave you for a man.

Now, I know that this generalizing statement is bullshit. As if dating a lesbian-identified woman will somehow protect you from cheating/being cheated on. Infidelity hits ALL types of relationships, regardless of the gender or orientation of the partners. Period. However, movies like this seem to reinforce this misnomer, that bi-women of any sort will always end up going for a man. NOT FUCKING TRUE.

So in the end, I AM glad that their is a movie bringing lesbian visibility to the big screen, as I think this movie will be a hit. I did like that it was a lesbian family, with gender presentation diversity in the two women. However, I have a LOT of reservations about how the content of this movie will be used against the LGBTQ community by those who are against it, as well as the issues surrounding bisexuality that this movie may serve to worsen.

And those, dear readers, are my thoughts on the upcoming movie The Kids Are Alright, to be released July 16th at an Indie theatre near you.

-Essin’ Em

Photo by Michael Barone

Happy 4th of July. Happy “Independence Day.”

Enjoy your BBQs, your cold beers.

Remember for a moment all of our friends and family serving our country, fighting to uphold wars that should never have happened, and to help create independence for those who do not yet have it.

Remember for a moment those in this country who are not independent, whose freedom and rights are not equal.

Those who can not marry. Those who cannot adopt. Those who cannot visit their loved ones in the hospital. Those who do not have insurance. Those who live in tent cities. Those who don’t know when their next meal is.

I am not saying don’t celebrate. I’m not saying to not be patriotic.

But please think. Think about what you ARE celebrating. Think about our country’s bloody history. Think about who and what we’re fighting for, and what we aren’t fighting for.

Be careful. Please choose not to drink and drive (or drink and boat). If you’re lighting fireworks, don’t blow yourself up (and if you live in a place where they’re illegal, please don’t light them and cause fires, kthnxby).

Celebrate.

But also pause and think about what this celebration means.

Happy Fourth of July!

-Essin’ Em

As a side note, every thing at Fascinations and FunLove.com is 25% off today; toys, lubes, books, DVDs, massage oils, condoms, etc.  Just saying…

Fascinations 4th of July Sale

I remember when I was in college, and decided to try shaving my vulva. It wasn’t for anyone; I was single and not sexually active at the time, so it was just an experiment. I discovered that I liked having less hair down there, as it meant that I could feel the vibrations of my toys better, and I just liked the way it felt, and the way it looked. When we did our yearly nude photos for the Vagina Monologues cast, I was the ONLY woman out of 20+ that removed public hair, two years running. People questioned my feminism, others stared; I felt like a minority by shaving.

I continued to shave (and waxed once…it worked well, but I don’t see the purpose in dropping that kind of a money when I can get razors much much much cheaper). Some of my partners commented on it with surprise, but slowly, it became more mainstream, and less people said anything. Until I started sleeping with queer people. Many of them were shocked that I chose to remove hair, or at least commented on it as odd; at the time, many people in the queer community weren’t removing their pubic hair.

That too has changed. A lot. It seems that most femmes and feminine people (including many guy-identified people) choose to remove their pubic hair. To the point where, at a talk I was having the other day, I said something about the labia majora naturally containing hair, and someone raised their hand and asked why, since “everyone just removes it anyways.”

Not everyone removes their pubic hair, and I do feel, for some part, that pubic hair removal is a trend. Just like not everyone wore a bob, or a beehive, not everyone changes up their pubic hair. Some grow it and groom it with pride, others let it go wild, some people trim it, other leave strips of hair, and some go all bare. All of these are 100% valid choices, as long as they are made by the possessors of said hair, and not partners telling them the way they should or should not look.

Please, let’s not make peopel feel shamed for choosing to cultivate their pubic hair in the same way that I was made to feel shamed by fellow feminists for choosing to remove my hair. Hair is a personal choice, and I want to make sure that when we talk about sex positive, and cultural change and norms and all that, we look at how our views on pubic hair have changed even in the last half decade, and support people’s choice, regardless. Cause as they say, hair today, gone tomorrow.

-Essin’ Em

This week, we’ve got a nice variety of hot and sexy shots from Furry Girl’s newest porn site, Cocksexual. This site features pictures of hot women and trans people strapped on and giving it in the cunt and ass to people of all sexes and genders. From shiny and sparkly to more flesh colored and very realistic cocks, every one is rocking the cock, and those on the receiving end are enjoying giving blow jobs and getting some good old fashioned (and new fashioned) fucking.

Click here to see all of the hot pictures and videos of the Cocksexual models getting it on!

As some (many) of you know, I’m a model for the 2011 Sex Blogger Calendar, scheduled to be released October 1st (in NYC — I’ll be there, so will all the models like Jiz Lee, Mollena and Nina Hartley!).

Right now, there are 180 (probably less by the time you read this) days for sale on the calendar. How does it work? Basically, it’s $25 for a day, 5 days for $100. You get to put 80 characters of whatever you’d like on that day.  Wish someone a happy birthday. Celebrate a blogiversary. Rock out with your cock out. Promote your company. Whatever it is you’d like to do.  All proceeds go to the Woodhull Foundation for Sexual Freedom. Also, if you pre-order now, it’s $40 for both a calendar AND a day, so you save $5!

Click here to order your days.

-Essin’ Em

Want to get me a day as present that gives towards sexual freedom?  Here are some ideas:

October 18th: My 5th year blogiversary

December 17th: Me and Q’s anniversary

October 9th: The day Q and I are planning to get married

June 9th: My half birthday! (which I totally celebrate)

May 2011: Us moving back to Colorado!

January 21st: The first time Q and I had sex

October 2nd: Day I got Kinsey

January 23rd: Day I got Kali

Nov 1st: Day Q and I moved in together

This whole project is done by a undergrad student named James, who is running this project to collect pictures of queer bodies, however they may be; butch, femme, boi, grrl, different abilities, different sizes, different gender presentations, etc. Here is a little info from the queer bodies project page about the project:

Queer communities counter, reject, and reinvent ideas of family, home, love and beauty. We try to make spaces for ourselves: for bodies and desires and lives other than those we were taught. Our bodies become our stories of assimilation and resistance and redemption and gender and love. They bear the scars and stretch marks and laugh lines of lives in progress, and I feel such love and pride for each of us, these queer bodies, these people who are so marked.

I want to document the variation and ferocity of queer experience. I don’t want to situate queers in opposition to straight people. This isn’t about them. We do not need to justify our existence. We are people, and that is enough. I want to paint people who are making and working and loving and becoming whole, happy, and healthy. I chose portraits because I know that there is no one person or image that shows the whole of queer experience, it is different for each person. There are only small snippets, pieces of the greater picture, that can be found in each individual queer life.

I’m collecting images of queer people to paint so that I can document some part of queer experience. 

I think this is a brilliant idea, and I highly encourage everyone who is willing, to partcipate and bring more visibility to queer bodies.

-Essin’ Em

Here is my queer body…Photo by Michael Barone