Sexuality Happens

We’re now allowed to show our pictures from the Sex Blogger Calendar 2011, and I love love love this picture. Thanks to Marty Carstens for taking this fabulous photo of me and Valerie (Vivianne the Vulva’s smaller cousin), to all of those people and companies who worked to put it on, and all of the other hot and sexy models who came together to raise money for sexual freedom!

Calendars are now available online — click here to buy your own! With Nina Hartley on the cover, and Jiz Lee in January (I’m in June), it’ll be a great way to celebrate the new year, and they make great, social justice oriented presents for the holiday season. Just saying…

-Essin’ Em

I’m sure that you have all heard about the recent rash of tragedies regarding anti-LGBTQ bullying, and the teens that felt the only way out was to take their own lives.

This is not my most eloquent video. I have no script. I mess up a few times. But it’s from my heart. It’s part of both the It Gets Better push, as well as the Make It Better Project (LGBTQ youth empowerment). We need to stop the bullying as well as stop the suicides, depression and all of the effects of such a horrible climate.

-Essin’ Em

Other resources:
Scarleteen
Trevor Project

Why? I’m in New York, at the often talked about, never duplicated, full of awesome raffle prizes and more Sex Blogger Calendar Party at Fontana’s in NYC.

Want to come? It’s open to everyone 18+ and better yet, it’s free. Plus I’ll be there, along with Nina Hartley, Jiz Lee, Mollena, Lillith Grey, Coy Pink, Nadia West and more…not to mention all the schwag! First 200 attendees get awesome goody bags, and the raffle prizes are to DIE for (wanna get me some tickets? I know you do). Oh yeah — Princess Kali from KinkAcademy will also be there, as will my favorite red head, Megan Andelloux.

For more information, visit the Sex Blogger Calendar Party site, and I hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

As I’m still on my trip, and don’t have to opportunity to write as much daily as I usually do, or even as much as I would like to given the circumstances, I feel only just in directing you to Alphafemme’s Blog.

Alphafemme is one of the sweetest, kindest people you will ever meet, period, and I’m not just saying that because she has opened her home to me the past few days as somewhere to stay in San Francisco. She’s just an all around good person, believes firmly in social justice, is a sexy burlesque dancer…and often times, her relationship with ML mirrors a lot of what is happening in my relationship with Q.

Anyways, while you wait for me to come back and actually be able to write, check out her blog.

Today, as part of my travels, I will be attending my first ever Folsom Street Fair. It’s like Pride, but for Kinky Peeps, and multiplied by quite a bit. Think people of all genders, orientations, kink roles, and ages (mostly 18+ I believe) taking over good amount of Folsom street in San Francisco, CA. I’ve heard stories, I’ve seen pictures, but I’ve never actually gotten to go there and participate.

Tonight, I’m doing a demo called “Kink Games People Play” at the Venus Tent (women/trans area) at 5pm. If you’ll be there, come say hi.

I’m hoping I get to see Mollena too — she’s one of my favorite San Francisco people, and she’s International Ms Leather, so she’ll be running around being awesome.

I’m a little nervous…sometimes I feel like I’m told that I’m not “kinky enough” because I don’t do nearly as much power play as people. And sometimes, I’ve been uncomfortable in kink settings because they’ve been very heterocentric, cisgender centric and queeraphobic. However, at the very least, I know that will NOT be the case here (I mean, look at where we are), and so I shall go forth, kinky and queer pride held high, and enjoy this hopefully awesome of awesome festivals.

May the kink be with you,

Essin’ Em

Funny story. Today is Sexual Freedom Day, and tonight, I’m going to be teaching people about communication with their partners and cunnilingus. I think teaching people how to have better sex definitely falls under sexual freedom.

But that’s not the only way I’m celebrating sexual freedom day…

I’m going to write about it. Because I am lucky enough to have the freedom to write/blog/share about my sexuality, about my own journey, about sexuality education and more.

Why is sexual freedom important? Because you probably don’t have as much of it as you think you do. Many states still have laws on the books outlawing sodomy — which is usually defined as anal sex, but sometimes includes oral sex. Yes, that’s right. Depending on where you live, it may be illegal to suck your partners cock, go down on your lover, or even do it in the butt.  Granted, these laws are not enforced usually, mostly due to Lawrence vs. Texas…however, they are still on the book.

What about if you live with your partner, but choose not to get married. You may have just as committed relationship as a married couple, but you are denied the same rights. And what if not getting married isn’t a choice? Yeah. No recourse.

How about kink? Do you know in some states, I can’t teach kink classes, because flagellating (usually flogging, but can be definine as spanking, whipping, etc) someone for money…even if it I’m making it as a class fee, and am flogging a demo bottom, is considered illegal? I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous.

Not to mention sex workers. Who is a sex worker? Phone sex operators, porn stars, escorts, pro dommes, sex surrogates and more. Some of their activities are legal, some of them aren’t. However, most sex workers I know file taxes, volunteer in their communities, and are upstanding citizens…yet are treated differently by the rest of society because somehow the work that they do (that oh so many people enjoy) is not “real work” or is unacceptable.

Sexual freedom is not being scared of being fired if someone finds out you’re kinky. It’s having equal rights, regardless of gender/orientation. It’s passing a law that makes it illegal to fire someone for being LGBTQ or having a non-traditional gender identity/presentation. It’s taking stupid anti-sex laws off the books. It’s creating a climate where people can come out from their pen names and handles, and talk about sex in a positive light. Sexual freedom is not policing people for their identities, jobs, or actions.

We are a long way away from this sexual freedom utopia, but every step you take, every time you speak up, speak out…we’re creating change.

So tell me, what does sexual freedom mean to you, and how are you trying to achieve it?

Thanks to The Woodhull Foundation for putting together this Sexual Freedom Blog Carnival. Check out the Woodhull Foundation and their work towards increased sexual freedom.

-Essin’ Em

I read parts of this at Sizzle last month while in San Francisco presenting at Feminia Potens.  It was for an open mic dealing with sexuality and disability, and this is what I came up with (as well as an erotica story).  I thought I’d share…

-Essin’ Em

I’m here to talk about the intersections between sexuality and disability.  I want to tell you about the man in a wheelchair who was suspended in rope, wheel chair and all, and was ecstatic at the chance to be flying high above the dungeon. I want to tell you about the woman who was in so much pain from sculliosis, but discovered that when her sir gave her a good beating, she could eroticize the pain and work through it.  I want to tell you about the quadrapelicic woman that spent a good chunk of time exploring and trying new things with her partner, and eventually could experience sexual pleasure when he stroked her cheek in just the right way. I want to tell you about the first time I found someone who understood me, and check in, but didn’t try to do everything for me, and made me feel like a sexual goddess, despite not being able to do many of the sexually constructed things that people do when they fuck.

But how can we speak of intersecting sexuality and disability when we can’t even validate people’s sexuality or disabilities? When we create this hierarchy, we prevent people from exploring the rest of themselves, from getting to figure out who they are and how all of this fits into other parts of them. Instead, people are fighting to even be seen as who they are.

I sat in my hotel for a few hours this morning, trying to place my swirling thoughts onto paper, to share with you what I so often say. To sound cool, and interesting, and part of performance piece.

Do you know how hard it is to pull words out of your head, put them down, and make them sound right when you’ve got a cloud of painkillers fuzzing up your brain and pain radiating up through what feels like every joint and your entire body?

It’s difficult to say the least.

We’re in the technology age, so rather than crumpled pieces of paper all over the floor, I have minimized word documents, all begun so well, and then trailed off into a narcotic induced rant of the parellel between my Femme identity and my identity as someone who is disabled.

What it all boils down to is the fight for recognition, and the desire to just be, and not fight anymore.

My gender is often invisible to others. People see me as alternative, and often times as straight. I experience more anti-Femme hatred and bigotry in the queer community than I have experienced anti-queer sentiment in the rest of the world.

My disability is often invisible to others.  Unless it happens to be a day where I’m walking with a cane, or someone sees the epic travel pill pack that follows me everywhere in the deep depths of my purse, people don’t see me as disabled. In the community, I am told that I should consider myself “lucky”  that I’m not MORE disabled, not more visible.

I don’t want to fight to be who I am.  I don’t want to wear rainbow necklaces or name-drop “my ex-girlfriend” in order to be seen as queer in the queer community, and I don’t want to go flashing my handicap permit or show off my scars in order to be recognized as someone with disabilities by others in the same boat.

I fight the mainstream every day just to have accessible buildings and parking, and to get the same rights as everyone else; to share insurance, to not be fired for my orientation, and more. I do not have the time, energy or patience to fight within my own community.

When did we create a hierarchy of oppression?  I look more queer than you do, therefore I’m a BETTER queer.  I have a disability that affects more areas of my life, therefore I’m MORE disabled than you are.

If we cannot support each other as members of the same community, how can we work on intersections of identity. I’m a queer femme sex educator kinky perverted disabled Jewish awkward snarky cat loving tea drinking oh so horny person. How can I accept all these part of me, if the individual parts themselves are rejected by the community?

How can I even start to think about my sexuality and how it relates to others when others cannot relate to me based on who I am?

I am disabled, but that doesn’t disable who I am. I am still sexual and fun and deep and witty and queer and kinky and all these parts of ME. I want to be who I am, not spend my energy fighting to be seen, but rather, integrating all of me into my sexuality, into my life, into this magical and wonderful world.  I wonder, is it really that hard to do?

For those of you who don’t know, or who are new here, I am a survivor of sexual violence. And sexual assault. And sexual harassment. I’ve met very few people who are not survivors of something surrounding this. Every April, I republish my story, and parts of my recovery, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness month. I encourage people to donate whatever money or time that they have to give to RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network), or whatever local sexual violence prevention and survivor assistance organization(s) they care about or can find.

Here is another way. Instead of sharing your story (although I highly encourage people to do that), you can share your feelings of hope, of light, of survival with other survivors and victims of sexual violence.

Thanks to Holly for bringing my attention to this.

As a side note, this is for women and transfolk, but please remember that people of all genders are survivors of sexual assault.

-Essin’ Em

Call For Submission

Dear Sister, edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers, is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies. It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.

The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation and doubt. In the weeks, months and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.

It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar. Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden. You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery. Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.

Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget. And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?

Information

Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay and drawn art that can either be scanned for entry. Maximum word count is 1,000. Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.

Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence. Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Submissions can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Hand written letters can be address and mailed to:
Dear Sister Anthology
P.O. Box 202468
Cleveland, OH 44120

Note from the Editor

Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites and agencies that come to mind

This summer, Q has been playing on a softball league with people from work.  It’s every Sunday night, and I have gone, sat at, and watched every single game she has played in, except for one when I was recovering from my knee drama. Everyone. I am the only partner of a team member that has attended more than one game, and I’m the one people use to guilt their partners into coming to watch (“But Q’s partner comes to every single game — you can’t even come support me once?”). Before and after the game, we hug and kiss. During the game, I cheer for her (El Guapo) and the rest of the team, and make snarky remarks about how good her ass looks while batting. We’ve gone out to eat with the team after a game, and talked a little about wedding plans, held hands, etc.

Last Sunday, someone was looking for a pen. I had just lent the coach one, and he’d given it back.  The coach looked at the pen-less guy and said, loud enough for me to hear from the bleachers; “Need a pen? Q’s ROOMMATE has one.”

Roommate. Yes. He said that. Thank the mooses for Q, who quick said “Um, she’s my partner. PARTNER.” Now, the coach didn’t hear it, and he didn’t really care…but Q is usually not that assertive, and so her saying that made me feel better, and so much more validated.

Ok. Now if you had *just* met us, I could see using the term roommate, if you didn’t know. But wouldn’t it be more poignant to use “friend” if you weren’t sure of some one’s relationship status? Calling me her roommate is so fucking 50s. It completely discounts our relationship, which you have clearly seen, heard, and know to exist. It’s telling us we’re not good enough to have a relationship, that we can’t really be in love. We’ve been delegated back down to roommates.

Now, we almost exclusively use the term partner, and prefer people use the same when referring to us. However, in certain circumstances, we use the term “girlfriend” if that is the best way for someone (like our grandparents) to wrap their mind around our relationship. While I don’t particularly like “girlfriend,” if that is the best way for you to understand us, then fine, use it.

I don’t really like fiance either, because that boils everything back down to the wedding, and our relationship is so much more than a celebration of love. She is my partner every moment of every day…she’s only my fiance when we’re planning/talking about the wedding. But if you call her my fiance, or vice versa, fine. I can deal. At least you’re validating our relationship.

Call her my “special friend” (or me hers), and you’re in for a snarky comment like “yes, she is my special friend. My vagina’s special friend to be exact.” What the hell does special friend mean? But at least, with that, you’re implying special, as in more important that ordinary relationships, and friend, as in a chosen relationship.

With roommate, you have 100% completely invalidated our relationship. How dare you. I would never ever ever refer to your wife of however many years as “that lady you live with.” Not ever. So how can you, seeing our interactions, hear the terms we use and our wedding plans, relegate us to “roommates.” Fuck you.

She’s not my fucking roommate. She’s my lover, my partner, my friend, my fiance, my confidant, my muse, my kitty co-parent, my salvation, my amusement, and oh so much more.

Have you heard yet?

I’d like to let you know a little about Momentum Conference 2011 — a conference discussing sexuality, feminism, new media and much more. Created by Tied Up Events and the community at large, and sponsored by Fascinations, it’s taking place in Washington, DC, April 1-3 2011 and should be absolutely amazing!

Interested? Read below and check out MomentumCon.com for more information, to apply to present, and much more! I’ve already submitted my application, and I know others have too; it’s going to be an AMAZING conference!

-Essin’ Em

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

During MOMENTUM we will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality. While on one hand we have unprecedented sexual freedom, on the other we continue to police sexuality with a frightening vigor. Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

Each participant will leave the conference with new perspectives, new connections, and a plan to carry the MOMENTUM forward into 2011 and beyond.