Sexuality Happens

The other night, after my Let’s Talk Sex workshop at Fascinations, Q and I were cuddling in bed. I can’t remember why, but we started talking about vagina. Not about vaginas you see, but about the WORD vagina.

Q doesn’t like it. I personally think it’s an awesome word, and while I prefer cunt, I think vagina is just fine-a. Q disagrees. She thinks it is an uncomfortable awkward word, and wanted to know where it came from. I explained that it came from the Latin word for sheath. She quickly poo-poohed this, and went on to ramble on and on about how they should take the Latin word for “loving, granting,…”

And then she trailed off.  She couldn not quite articulate what she wanted the word to be, but she knew she just plain ol’ didn’t like the current term of vagina.

Now, I personally dislike most terms for vagina. I’m ok with pussy, but it’s not really sexy to me. No-no place is a no no,  hoo-haa makes me cringle, snatchula is awesome but only in a funny “oh, did you fall down and accidently kick your little snatchula with your skates” (at roller derby practice) way, snatch and crotch seem so high school, cooter just makes me want to gag, and so on. Both of us love CUNT, but there are times and places where it’s not quite as appropriate to say.

So we talked about it, trying to figure out what she didn’t like about the word vagina. I may have rapped about vaginas. Really. And sung some vagina opera for her. Yes, yes I did. But nothing could sway her mind. She did NOT like the term vagina, and nothing I said or did could change her mind.

I asked her what type of term she’d like to replace vagina.

“Something either awesome and powerful, like cunt, or more soft and flowy and nice.”

I asked her again, like what.

“I don’t know like gorgonzola.”

I started at her for almost a full minute, eyes big, and then we both burst out laughing.  Once we regained our breath, she explained that she had no idea why that came out, and she didn’t like it at all, especially for vagina, since it’s a strong smelling cheese, but it’s now a fabulous inside joke.

That said, what word SHOULD replace vagina, if we were going to make up a completely new word? Cave of wonders if pretty awesome, but it’s a bit long…

-Essin’ Em

Photo Source

Having a partner who identifies as “GQ” on Fetlife, and many friends that identify publicly as genderqueer, it is amazing how difficult it is to definite the word.

In starting my new group, I mentioned (when talking about what a safe space looks like),that instead of making assumptions, it’s always better to ask.  The example I gave was that instead of just staring at someone genderqueer identified, wondering what the hell it means, it’s always better to just ask.

So some awesome, open-minded person messaged me, and asked me just that. What IS genderqueer?

I get asked this question a lot. And it’s hard everytime. How do you define something that, in essence, is trying to be outside of definition.

This was my quick answer to her:

Genderqueer is an identity that is pretty fluid. It usually goes for someone who doesn’t identify as male, female, or trans (in that they are not transitioning from one sex to another). They may identfy as more masculine or more feminine, or neither, or they may have days where they feel more masculine, and then days where they feel more feminine, or they may even reject the gender binary completely. Instead of saying “well, I guess my gender is ____” and having to check a box, they’ve decided that their gender is exactly what it is, how they feel it is that day, and so on. Similar to the orientation of “queer” this is the gender version of it.

And it works as a quick answer. Yes, genderqueer is queering the gender binary, in a similar way that queer is queering the orientation binary/trinary.  But I just feel a little unsatisfied. Really, how do you explain gender queer?

So I’ve decided to open it up to the interwebs at large. Y’all are smart people. I mean, yes, you can google it. You can look at the wikipedia page, you can read all you want.  The internet is a wonderful thing.

But that doesn’t always put forth an answer. I’ve found that the definition of queer varies immensely depending on who you ask, so I can only assume that gender queer is the same way.

I ask of you: WHAT IS GENDERQUEER?  Whether you identify as such, or have partner/friends/family who does, or have no correlation to it, I want to hear your thoughts and definitions as to what genderqueer is/means/is defined/etc.

Ready? GO!

-Essin’ Em

Hey all –

Someone was kind enough to nominate me for a Lezzy, which is an award for lesbian authored blogs. I’ve been nominated in the  Sex/Short Story/Erotic blog category.

I didn’t post this before, because I don’t really identify as a lesbian; I identify as queer. However, I get where they are coming from with this, and would love to make it to the top three.

How do I do this? I need more nominations. You can nominate one blog (URL) per category per 24 hour period. All you do is fill out a little form, and then click on the email to confirm (the email part is important, or else it doesn’t count).

If I don’t make it into the top three, that’s fine. My happiness doesn’t rest on this. However, I think it would be awesome if I did a) because it’s awesome, b) because I’m a lot of different things (kinky, queer, disabled, non-mongamous in some counts, femme, Jewish, alternative, fat, etc) and would love to get to rep all of that and c) because it would be nice to have a queer person win and explain WHY I don’t identify as a lesbian.

If you’re up for helping me out, please CLICK HERE to nominate me, or just type in TheLesbianLifesyle.com whenever you get a chance. Remember, you can vote once a day!

Thanks in advance for your support!

-Essin’ Em

This post is based on thoughts I’ve been having for a long time, and then inspired by a post over at Alphafemme about the Markers of a Queer Femme.

She talks about goals she has that to her, seem very Femme.  However, if taken out of the context of her being queer, would there be any difference between a queer woman (femme identified) and a straight woman writing it.

Q and I were having a similar discussion the other night when out with a straight friend.  Q said something to her about being a Femme, and I took a little offense, but before speaking up, I asked our friend if she identified as a femme.

“Well, I like wearing heels sometimes, and make up, but it’s not like I do it every day.”

This then lead into a conversation of what does femme mean, and the different between femme and feminine. Etc.  This discussion I’ve had a lot, both online and in real life. I myself had a lot of trouble choosing the femme identity at first; I had confused it with feminine, and at the time, I was very anti the concept of feminine.  People talked to me about being a femme, and I’d answer with “but I don’t wear heels or lipstick, and I hate pink. Ergo, I can’t be a femme.”  Then, after much conversation, I realized that femme is not about skirts, or make-up, or shoes.  It’s about embodying an attitude.

Later that night, once our friend had gone home, Q and I were still talking about it.  She asked me if straight woman could be femmes (similar to a convo had online with other as to whether straight women and men could be butch).

I don’t have an answer.  But I want to say no. Why? Because *my* identity is developed around the concept of femme.  About being a strong queer woman who has femme wiles, but isn’t feminine per se. About being able to open the door but loving it when Q does it anyways. About being able to cook and then change a tire, all while wearing either jeans/t-shirt or heels and a pencil skirt.  To me, femme has become an extension of my queer-ness, a bridge between my orientation and my gender.

And it’s really hard for me to envision someone who hasn’t go through some of the things queer folk go through (disbelief as really being queer, having to fight for our rights, having our emotional and physical safety challenged, having our partners made fun of, etc) still being able to understand and embody that identity. To me, being femme is when someone calls Q “lady” and I comfort her and assure her than she is really such a handsome boi.  Being femme is when I can talk to people about gender who would never listen to someone who presents as gender queer. Femme is when someone says “that’s so gay” about his friend at the grocery store, and I tap them on the shoulder and say “no….I’m gay. The end.”

Am I being a gender hog? Perhaps.  I *know* deep down that it shouldn’t fucking matter. I’ve met queer men who identify as femme, and I don’t have as much of an issue. Gender isn’t a line or anything — it’s a schmorgasboard, and you can pick and choose exactly how you identify. If you want to be a glitter slut tranny boi fag, you can do it. So I’m not sure why I have such issues with straight women identifying as Femmes, but it’s totally a hang up for me.

Does it mean that straight women can’t be femme? Of course not. I’m not the gender police.  On the other hand, does it mean I’m uncomfortable with the terminology appropriation, just like I am when I cis-guy tells me he’s “just like all the other dykes I know”?  Yes. Very much so.

Thoughts?

-Essin’ Em

Hello!

I wanted to you let you know about a very exciting event is taking place for women of color this year in New Orleans.  The Femme of Color Symposium is an event created by women of color for women of color who self-identify as FEMME.

FOCS2010: Celebrations and Reflections, the inaugural symposium for FEMMES of COLOR, will create the opportunity-through workshops, community building/social activities, presentations, panels, and/or performances-to uncover and discover our similarities, our differences, our needs and how to support one another. It will serve as a launch point for a real-time and virtual nation-wide network of diverse individuals, prompt dialogue, and empower us to cultivate, sustain, and celebrate the vibrant connections we have made among femmes of color.

Check out the rest of the email for information about the hotel, our call for submissions and quick links to our Facebook, registration and website pages.  REGISTER TODAY to take advantage of our Early Registration Rate!

Three days of workshops, 2 keynotes, 1 great evening event and 100s of Femmes of Color rockin’ the Bayou in the French Quarter in historic New Orleans.  This is going to be a weekend to remember.  I hope to see you there!

Miz Chris
FOCS2010 Co-Chair

Astor Crown Plaza – Bourbon Street
The Astor Crowne Plaza is located at the Gateway to the French Quarter where Canal Street meets Bourbon Street. The excitement of the French Quarter awaits you right outside our door. Whether it be world renowned dining or the intoxicating sounds of New Orleans’ Jazz or Blues – you are in the heart of it all. The Astor Crowne Plaza offers easy access to nearby attractions like Harrahs Casino, the Aquarium of the Americas , Jackson Square, Morial Convention Center , Riverwalk Shopping, the New Orleans Sports Arena and the Superdome.

Call for Submissions

Call for Workshops, Papers, Performance, and Art

Femme of Color Symposium (FOCS) 2010: Celebrations and Reflections
March 26-28, 2009
Astor Crowne Plaza
739 Canal Street
New Orleans , Louisiana 70130
www.focs2010.com

FOCS2010: Celebrations and Reflections, the inaugural symposium by and for self-identified FEMMES of COLOR, will create the opportunity-through workshops, community building/social activities, presentations, panels, and/or performances-to uncover and discover our similarities, our differences, our needs and how to build the bridges that will allow us to support each other in all ofwho we are. It will serve as a launch point for a real-time and virtual nation-wide network of diverse individuals, prompt dialogue, and empower us to cultivate, sustain, and celebrate the vibrant connections we have made and will make among femmes of color.

We invite femmes of color from all over the map-community members, artists, academics, homemakers, activists, etc..-to participate in FOCS2010 as presenters and participants.

Submissions of all kinds are welcome. In particular, we hope that the intersections of femme with race, region, class, faith, access, ability, privilege, and marginalization will be talked about, given space, meditated upon, constructed, and deconstructed.

We hope to draw participants from across discipline, medium, and social boundaries. We encourage submissions from anyone interested, regardless of sexual identity (lesbian/gay, bisexual, etc.). We do ask that you read our mission statement before submitting. Though we would not be able to live, love and/or laugh without our many allies, this conference is for elf-identified
femmes of color only.
We are soliciting contributions from any woman who is interested, including (but not limited to):

• Workshops
• Performances
• research presentations
• skill shares
• activist & organizational topics
• visual art
• video or film

Submission deadline is January 31, 2010.
To submit a proposal, please submit the following to Krysia Villon at klvillon at aol dot com. Please put “FOCS Proposal” in the subject header.
*For research presentations, send a 300 word abstract
*For workshop and skillshare proposals, send a 300 word description of your workshop or skillshare ideas
*Visual artists should send samples of work and a 300 word description of their artistic vision
*Performers, filmmakers and other creative artists should contact us for more information
To learn more about us, our mission and to contact us with any questions, comments or concerns, please find us at our website:
www.focs2010.com

Last week was a crazy week. Follow up from my birthday, Channukah, our anniversary, getting a job (will write about it soon), etc.

Something I didn’t get to write about that I had wanted to was the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, which is December 17th (Q and my anniversary) every year. There are vigils, protests, conversations, panels, etc in honor of this day, and toward the goal of stopping violence against sex workers.  You can learn more at the Sex Worker Outreach Project’s website.

Why, you may ask, does this matter?

Firstly, NO ONE deserves violence against them. Period.  Not while they work, not at home, not period. Regardless of what you believe about sex workers, there should not be violence perpetrated against them.

Next, let’s look at sex workers.  What is a sex worker? It’s someone fulfilling a need, providing more of a full service customer service.  Instead of worrying about whether someone is satisfied with their filet mignon (or burger), or that blood diamond they just dropped the cost of a house on, sex workers are worrying about whether people feel cared for, whether they are getting their needs met.  Same work, just different medium.

Sex workers are porn stars, pro dommes, prostitutes, escorts, phone sex operators, sex surrogates, etc.  We are people, just like you. We work jobs in order to make money to survive. Some of us love our jobs, others don’t, just like you. We have good days, and bad days. We like some of our clients, we don’t like others, but can’t say that to their face, because they’re customers, and the customer is (almost) always right.

We are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, feminists, those with higher education, and those with no formal education, from all types of backgrounds. We all like connecting with people in some way, shape or form. Some of us have other jobs, others don’t. Some have pets, some hate animals. Some love bacon, others of us are vegetarians. We have days where we are insecure, and days where we feel like we’re on top of the world.

You don’t always know in your life who is a sex worker.  Who knows if one of your friends or family members is a sex worker? Why not stand up to stop violence against of group of people who live amongst you. We are human, just like you.  Do we deserve violence, scorn, police raid, hatred, etc?  Not any more than any other human, not in my book.

I take a moment to think of all those sex workers who have been hurt, maimed, killed, etc. And then hope that change is made.

-Essin’ Em

And it’s rant time.

You know what I hate? And before I go off on it, let me state that I have been guilty of this as well in the past, and may slip up.

I hate that we, as a society, equivocate not having an STI (or not knowing that you have one- you can have a full panel, and still miss some) as being “clean.” As in having an STI makes you unclean/dirty.

First of all, you can very a VERY dirty person, both physically (not showering, living in a filthy place, etc) or mentally, and NOT have an STI.  You can also be an incredibly clean person, again both physically and mentally, and live with an STI.  Cleanliness does not have anything to do with whether or not you have an STI.

So let’s put some other language around it. Instead of saying “I just got my STI tests back and I’m clean!” or “you don’t have anything to worry about – I’m clean,” let’s try “I just got my STI tests back and they are negative” or  ”you don’t have anything to worry about because I brought protection!” 

If someone has an STI, this does not eliminate them as either a potential partner or sexual being. I do believe in open honesty about ALL transferable medical issues; if I have a cold, I let me partner know. Ditto with mono, or a cold sore (which like 75% of the population has, and is Herpes Simplex I). I share that information, as that my partners can make decisions for themselves. That’s my ethical choice.

However, not everyone follows that. And people can say they have a “clean” or negative panel even when they don’t (or haven’t even gotten tested). And let’s say that someone hands you a copy of their negative test? It’s not a promise. Some STIs have a 6 month incubation period before they show up, and if your new partner had unprotected sex OF ANY KIND with any one after their test, but before you, there is always the possibility that they have contracted something. So we can pretend that we know 100% percent whether our partners have an STI or not, but do we even know for sure about ourselves?

Some clubs (kink and swingers) do not allow sexual contact by members with STIs.  Others don’t have it as a rule, but severely discourage it.  Yet no one cares whether you give mono or the flu (which, while not long term, can be certainly more dangerous and devastating than many STIs.

So whether or not you are ok with your partner having an STI, let’s talk about it from a different angle. There is nothing shameful in having an STI. A large percentage of our population either has, or has had, an STI (or more) at some point in their life.  You might have even had one (or have one) and not even known it. Why discriminate when you can use a barrier? And even if you don’t ever have a partner with a known STI, why not try using less discriminatory language?  Clean schmeam.  Let’s try positive/negative, or something like that.

-Essin’ Em

I’m not sure if anyone watches Rachael Maddow (if you don’t, you should, and not just because she is incredibly witty and ridiculously hot). However, if you haven’t you should check out her site.

Last week, she had a couple of shows that talked about the anti-gay bill in Uganda, and Richard Cohen’s “gay fixing” program that inspired this whole thing.

This post isn’t about that.  However, his book/CD set title “Coming Out Straight” made me think.

I hate that coming out is specific only to what is currently minority populations.  One comes out as queer, as kinky, as non-monogamous. It’s very rare to come out as straight, as monogamous, as vanilla (unless your community is queer/non-monogamous/kinky, in which you ARE then the minority).

Why do we have this default of “you should only come out/express your sexuality if you’re not the norm?”  I mean, really, what’s wrong either with no one having come out, or having everyone come out? Why is it so specific?

I mean yes, I understand why people in the minority choose to come out.  Living your life as it is, instead of hiding things, is freeing.  As is strength in numbers. But what if we could just love who we wanted to love, and fuck who we wanted to fuck, and commit to who we wanted to commit to without having to fly our flag?

At Sex 2.0 last year, Sarah Dopp said something about not all people (I think specifically queers, but also talking about kinksters, etc) want to wave their flag high, and they shouldn’t be made to out themselves, or even stand up and be counted. Not everyone is for a cause — some people just wanted to be who they are and not have to fight the battle everyday.

Conversely, what if we started a bigger dialogue about sexuality, so that everyone was talking about their journeys, regardless of the type of sex they like to have, or who they’re attracted to. What if instead of the default of straight/monogamous/vanilla, we actually encourage people (kids, teens and adults) to think about their sexuality, and share it with their friends, partners, families (birth and chosen). 

I know I speak of a much more utopian society, and that many of my questions on this are rhetorical. If we live in a society where we continue to be unequal (as of late, think of New York and New Jersey), how can we ever expect to be anything other than the “other” (in contrast to the default/norm)? What is it about our society, our culture, about humanity that we have to box things in, segregate things out, make the normal and the other?

Just thoughts. I know there is no answer to any of these questions. But I would like to hear a dialogue about coming out as a non-minority. Have any of you done it? Told your friends/family/partners/co-workers that you’re hetero? Or that you’re monogamous? How was it taken? How did it feel?

-Essin’ Em

I don’t know if you’ve seen this story yet, but I was incredibly moved, and also ridiculous impressed by this 10-year-old kid in Arkansas. He basically has decided to stop saying the pledge of allegiance until everyone really gets liberty and justice. In this specific instance, he’s referring to GLBTQ rights, but if you think about it, our country is not equal and just. There is still much ingrained racism, classism, ablism, sexism and more.  

I never had to say the pledge in any of my schools, but I can’t imagine that other kids haven’t thought this through before.  This poor kid is getting crap from his classmates, but he continues to stand up for his beliefs, and luckily, he has parents who support him in this.  I’m really really really impressed.  Click here for more info and one of the many videos of him.

Good on you, kiddo!

-Essin’ Em

From Huffington Post:

Will Phillips appeared on CNN Monday morning with his father, Jay, to discuss his refusal to say the pledge of allegiance.

“I’ve grown up with a lot of people and I’m good friends with a lot of people who are gay and I think they should have the rights all people should, and I’m not going to swear that they do,” the ten-year-old Phillips said.

Jay Phillips, asked if his son was prepared for the media attention, said his son saw it as an opportunity to raise awareness. “He felt that just because he’s ten years old doesn’t mean he doesn’t have opinions, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have rights, and doesn’t mean he can’t make a difference.”

…

“I’ve always tried to analyze things because I want to be lawyer,” Will said. “I really don’t feel that there’s currently liberty and justice for all.”

After asking his parents whether it was against the law not to stand for the pledge, Will decided to do something. On Monday, Oct. 5, when the other kids in his class stood up to recite the pledge of allegiance, he remained sitting down. The class had a substitute teacher that week, a retired educator from the district, who knew Will’s mother and grandmother. Though the substitute tried to make him stand up, he respectfully refused. He did it again the next day, and the next day.

Sinclair (of Sugarbutch.net) wrote an amazing piece this week on Femme Invisibility. I wanted to stand up and cheer. Thank fucking god and mooses that someone BESIDES the femmes has had the gumption to write about this. I’ve written about it before. People have written about it on the Femme’s Guide. Other femmes have written about it on their blog. But very few n0n-femmes write about.

It? It’s queer-looking privilege, for lack of a better term. It’s one of the things that the femme spiral I created and that some femmes (myself included) have tattooed on themselves was DESIGNED to combat. While in the past, it was hard for butches to be seen and visible, so they got the blue stars, it is now sometimes impossible for femmes to be seen an acknowledges in the queer community.  We are seen as feminine straight girls, alternative straight girls, bi girls who don’t know what we want. It’s as though wearing lipstick or heels (which doesn’t define femme, but seems to be an outside indicator of identity for many) somehow deletes our own queerness.

I’ve had this issue for years. It’s bad enough when I go to lesbian poker night, and get hit on by the only cis guy there, because he thinks I’ve wandered in to the wrong bar, just like he did, that I’m certainly not a dyke. But it hurts so much more when I would go to dyke nights, and have people stare at me, wondering what this “fruit fly” was doing there, when butch dykes would laugh at me when I offered to buy them a drink (because goddess knows no one was asking me), and ask me where my boyfriend was.

I hated wearing rainbows, but I did it all the time, because I wanted people to know. I’d “gender drop” in conversation (similar to name droping, but more like “oh, well, my ex-girlfriend used to ____” or “this trans guy I was dating did this thing____.”). No reason to other than it helped to “validate” my identity as queer to the people I talked to. I always feel like I have to out myself in conversation first, because I don’t “look” queer, whatever that means.

I used to tell people that I’d love to get a short “dyke hair cut” but couldn’t, because I’d have a Jew-Fro. Then I stopped telling them that. I love my longer hair. I like it curly, and I like it straight, and I love playing with it when I get ready. While I wear jeans and t-shirt some times, I much prefer skirts and dresses (ah, the breeze! and the ability to have an easy quicky at all times). I don’t wear a ton of make up, but I do enjoy what I wear. I like having the door opened for me by queer people, and I love cunt. Mine, and others people’s. Period.

When I’m out and about with Q, I am much more validated. We’ve talked about this a lot. As she is butch/gender queer identified, when she says “my partner,” or we walk down the street holding hands, i am much more often seen as queer. Why? Because she “looks” queer, and so if she’s queer, and we’re together, I must be queer by default. Obviously. But I’ve also been out with her, and have had other people hit on her. On one hand, this is hot. My partner is fucking sexy and wanted and awesome. On the other hand, as very few people are out as poly, them hitting on her makes the assumption that even though we’re sitting together or dancing together, I must not be queer, so therefore, she must be available.

I like being read as who I am. It’s one of the things that attracted me to Q in the beginning. She had some to my strap on class, and yes, I had thought she was cute, but I wasn’t really planning on making a move until she came up to me after it was done.  

Q: So, are your sex toys really coordinated to be red, black and animal print?

Me: Yes. Some white as well. It’s important to look good while fucking.

Q: Damn, you are SUCH a femme.

BAM. She saw me.  Just like Sinclair writes about, how every once in a while, femmes do get recognized and seen, Q saw me. She saw me, and she acknowledged me.  She didn’t ask me after my strap on class when the last time I’d had a guy fuck me (oh yes, I’ve been asked that). She didn’t try and quiz me on whether I was queer enough or not. She saw it and let me know, and we’ve been together almost a year now.

I hate feeling invisible. I feel it all the time, as a woman, as a queer person, as a disabled person. I am constantly having to speak up, to come out, to ask to be validated. I should not have to feel this within my own community.  I don’t assume that everyone who has short hair and a big belt buckle is queer, so why assume that anyone in a dress isn’t?

Would love for this to become a discussion, and am HIGHLY encouraging comments and more posts on other blogs about this issue.

-Essin’ Em