Sexuality Happens

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. Today marks the 8th day (for those new, I’m not doing them all back to back, but rather scattering them, in order), in which I’m supposed to write to my favorite internet friend.

I’m not sure who I would write to. A lot of my first internet friends, back from the early days of the Net (late 90s), I have no touch with. Other internet friends (early to mid 2000s) I stay in *some* touch with them, but they certainly wouldn’t be my best internet friend(s).

No, my best internet friends are those I’ve made since I started blogging. And while I’ve met them online, and connect with them mostly online, I’ve gotten to meet most of them in person, lucky for me. If I had to choose, which I’d prefer not to, I’ll write to Always Aroused Girl, one of the best internet (and IRL friends) a lady could want:

Dear AAG - 

Thank you for helping to keep me sane. Thank you for helping to show me the ways of the big, bad-ass blog world. Thank you for always being there to support me when I need to rant and rave, for helping me survive the EF drama (and for understanding why I couldn’t leave as quickly as I wished). Thank you for helping me figure out some of the ins and outs of this site, as well as helping me to design ShannaKatz.com completely. You’re an interwebs rockstar.

I’m so happy to be a friend of yours. You’re a genuinely good person, and very much the same person in real life as well as in the internet world. You’re amazing, and I’m honored to have you as a friend, both in the online world and the flesh and blood one. Thanks for serving as my online super hero. I have so much love for you!

<3

-Essin’ Em

Here is another “Back in the Day” post, this from February 23, 2009, about the Five Love Languages.

Jiz Lee recently wrote a post that got me thinking.

The five love languages are familiar to me.

These are the five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

I first learned about the 5 love languages at camp in 8th grade (welcome to smart kid camp). We all wrote our top two ways we best received love on our arms, so that people in our groups understood how to best demonstrate their love for us (again, gifted kid camp).

It’s important that people understand that there is no right or wrong language. If you feel loved when you receive gifts, this doesn’t mean it has to be diamond rings…it could be cookies, flowers, a book someone thinks you’d like, a hand-me-down that is perfect for you. Physical touch, while it CAN be sex, it doesn’t have to be. It can be hugs, cuddling, massages, having your hair stroked. Acts of service can be anything from fixing a washing machine (or bed frame!) to giving you a ride to the airport or picking up a package for you from the post office. Words of affirmation don’t have to be said at a specific time or in a specific way; I love you, you’re beautiful, I enjoy how you make me think, thank you for being in my life. These are all words of affirmation. And quality time? That can be whatever you make of it. Strolling through museums, curled up on the couch watching movies, or supporting one another by attending events that are important to you.

I loved the concept, and made of poster of them for the wall in my bedroom. I literally just took it down from my mother’s house the other day while cleaning it out. I held it, I read it, and I thought about how much I use it in various facets of my life, whether by name or not. Actually, I just had a conversation about the love languages with a woman who is in Vagina Monologues with me. They are everywhere.

It may seem silly, but those five simple ideas have helped me so much throughout my life. I know that Ifeel best loved through physical touch and quality time. I want people I care about to hold me, to kiss me, to feel me, to touch me. I want them to want to spend time with me. Walking through the Denver Zoo with Q, going lingerie shopping with my friend in SF, seeing people I love in the audience at my performances; this is quality time for me. Acts of service are hard, because when I’m sick, I want nothing more than soup and tea, and feel loved when people provide them for me…but when I’m not sick, I’m very counter dependent, and have trouble letting people do favors for me.

How do I best show my love? Physical touch, quality, and acts of service like woah fuck. I leave my phone on 24-7, so people I care about can get ahold of me whenever they need me. I love giving people I love rides, I love helping them with online things, I love supporting them however I can. I am a touchy-feely person; I give hugs, pets and cuddles like no one’s business. And quality time…? Well, just like I want people I love to spend time with me, equally, I want to spend time with them.

I can give words of affirmation. Usually they are written, although sometimes spoken. But I have much trouble receiving them. Especially from people I love. I can’t imagine that they actually think I’m beautiful, or brilliant, or witty. I mean, yes, it’s a self-conscious thing, I know that. And I’ve gotten better at taking compliments. But I still have issues with it. I also have trouble getting gifts, unless I really know someone. But I do love giving gifts, things I’ve made, things I’ve found while out and about that are perfect for people I care about. So while I can and do show my affection in these ways, they aren’t the go to ways for me, as i have trouble receiving love these ways.

Knowing these things has helped me explain myself to my partners. I realized when I was presenting my Poly/Relationship Mapping class at Femina Potens last month why having a partner who would bring me soup when I was sick was so important; it’s hard for me to ask for help, and so me asking for soup, and then having it brought to me was a demonstration of love…TO ME. It wasn’t until I was explaining it you all the people at this class that *I* realized why it was so important to me, so how could any of my former partners know how much this mean. When I hop into bed, and someone sleepily puts their arms around me, or strokes my back, I feel loved. When someone arranges to hang out with me, or just shows up wanting to spend time with me, I feel love. When Monkey and Jen drove hours with 3 kids to come and take me to Fisherman’s Wharf and spend time with me, I felt cared for. When my best friend showed up on my door step the week before Valentine’s Day, as I felt like I lay on my death bed, with a half-gallon of minestrone and a smile, I realized how loved I was.

But also realize that I need to know my friends and partners love languages in order to best demonstrate my love to them, in a way that they understand and accept. I have some friends that are not touchy – I’ve learned this. So instead of telling them they just did an amazing job by giving them a big hug, I have to say it out loud. For some of my friends, they love it when I give them extra sex toys and porn, but are so busy that they don’t have time for quality time. We have to adapt, and we have to know ourselves, so we can tell the people who love us HOW to best love us.

As usual, it all boils down to communication. Communication is key, you know the drill :)

In hindsight, I wonder what the good doctor and all the gifted kid counselors would say if they knew how well discussing love languages helped relationships…sexual, kinky, poly and more.

For those of you who don’t know, or who are new here, I am a survivor of sexual violence. And sexual assault. And sexual harassment. I’ve met very few people who are not survivors of something surrounding this. Every April, I republish my story, and parts of my recovery, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness month. I encourage people to donate whatever money or time that they have to give to RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network), or whatever local sexual violence prevention and survivor assistance organization(s) they care about or can find.

Here is another way. Instead of sharing your story (although I highly encourage people to do that), you can share your feelings of hope, of light, of survival with other survivors and victims of sexual violence.

Thanks to Holly for bringing my attention to this.

As a side note, this is for women and transfolk, but please remember that people of all genders are survivors of sexual assault.

-Essin’ Em

Call For Submission

Dear Sister, edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers, is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies. It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.

The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation and doubt. In the weeks, months and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.

It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar. Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden. You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery. Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.

Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget. And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?

Information

Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay and drawn art that can either be scanned for entry. Maximum word count is 1,000. Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.

Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence. Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Submissions can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Hand written letters can be address and mailed to:
Dear Sister Anthology
P.O. Box 202468
Cleveland, OH 44120

Note from the Editor

Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites and agencies that come to mind

HNT Courtesy of Barefoot Dreamer – Photo by Jon H.

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #19? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Off Limits for 30 Days – “You don’t listen very well,” I heard her hiss. “That’s off limits, damn you.” And there was a crack and fiery agony clawed into my back.

The Joy of Sucking Cock – I wonder at times if that is why I am such a “good little cocksucker” as W calls me. When I am deeply into it, I almost enter this place where I am both the sucker and suckee, and it is as though it is MY cock being sucked on.

This intensity gets me riled when I am tied up (photo story) – James picked up that evil strap again. I watched helplessly as he positioned himself to use it on my pussy… Ever so lightly he started. Flick, flick, flick.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ask Lilly: How do I know if a sex toy has phthalates in it? – The studies going around are saying that phthalate exposure can damage all sorts of organs, and can possibly cause cancer. There are a lot of harmful things in our world these days that we can’t avoid – so when we CAN avoid something like toxins in our sex toys, we should.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Portal. Confession #493 – It truly is a spiritual give and take, these sexual relationships I form. I can cross the threshold and see however much of someone that I choose to see, with whomever it is that I am involved with.

See also: Pleasurists #88 and #89 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Defying Gravity with Carrie Moon

Interview with Dylan Ryan

Is “The Smoking Jacket” a Smoking Gun?

Naked and Famous

That’s discrimination! -or- Two Words I’m Sick of Hearing

Very Deserved Wrath- Not So New Problems

Kink & Fetish

10 Things I Love About My Slave

A Rope Pride Flag?

At Last

Correlations

dutch part 6 – the finale!

Discovering DebPorn

Independence Day

Kinkster Me

No Mosquito Fetish Here

Our First Play Time – Part 1

Please

Post Exploratorium HNT

Sex and Kink

Subspace

Thoughts on Single Tailing

THIS is what happens to naughty little redheaded sluts…

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A Declaration of Independence — From the eXes

Ass to Mouth

Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Euphemisms

Flying The Red Flag

Natural Born Swingers

Partnerships

Transtastic: On Coming Out as a Political Act

The Ins & Outs of Anal Sex

The Cialis Effect

Unusually High Sex Drive

Where is My G Spot?

Why Won’t Anyone Respond? — Help for Your Swinger Inbox

Erotic Writing

Adventures in Fisting

A Collision of Desires

boo full

Creature of habit pt. 3

Flashback: Our First Time

Fred

Fantasy: Australia Day

Good Morning

Get Down, Dirty & Get The Hell Out

I want…

Licked to orgasm

Sweat & Summer

Sparkly Vamp Erotica

The Ordeal (part one)

Upstairs. Now.

Wrestle

Have you heard yet?

I’d like to let you know a little about Momentum Conference 2011 — a conference discussing sexuality, feminism, new media and much more. Created by Tied Up Events and the community at large, and sponsored by Fascinations, it’s taking place in Washington, DC, April 1-3 2011 and should be absolutely amazing!

Interested? Read below and check out MomentumCon.com for more information, to apply to present, and much more! I’ve already submitted my application, and I know others have too; it’s going to be an AMAZING conference!

-Essin’ Em

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

During MOMENTUM we will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality. While on one hand we have unprecedented sexual freedom, on the other we continue to police sexuality with a frightening vigor. Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

Each participant will leave the conference with new perspectives, new connections, and a plan to carry the MOMENTUM forward into 2011 and beyond.

By Jesse Hernandez

While in Colorado, Q and I had the chance to meet up with one of my BFF’s new relatives (since she got married). He’s this fabulous gay photographer, and as part of our celebration of love involves supporting “family” members as much as possible, we had him do our engagement shoot.

I can’t share a lot of the pictures of both of us, as I’m trying to respect our privacy (and particularly, Q’s), but this is one of just me. I look a little silly, as I’m still in my bridesmaid get up (and the dress was not only not the most flattering, but actually falling apart), and Jesse had me take off my glasses for it, and I feel like I look so odd without my glasses, but it’s a very dynamic photo none the less.

I love our shoot with Jesse Hernandez, and highly recommend him. He travels all over the US shooting big events (including lots of Prides, drag shows and more), and is a superstar. More over, he’s a good person with a great heart, and he made me and Q feel really special in some of the pictures he took.  Thanks Jesse!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

So as some of your may remember, last year at Sex 2.0 in DC, I shot for GoodDykePorn.com with the lovely Sabrina Morgan. In the last year plus, I’ve decided to work more on shooting actively from behind the camera, more as a videographer and/or director. This May, I participated in Shine Louise Houston’s Point of Contact project, and then back in June, I was lucky enough to get to shoot a local butch/femme identified couple for Good Dyke Porn.

May I introduce the hot and sexy Dylan Starr and Dani Starr, a real life queer couple based in AZ? They had a fun shoot, with a little bit a fantasy, a little bit of kink, and a whole hell of a lot of steamy sex; oral, anal, toys, kissing, and much more. I loved getting to shoot them; I hope you enjoy watching them just as much!

Click here to see their shoot (and a ton of others) on GDP!

I’ve now seen this on both Britni’s blog and They Belong to Us, and I’ve chosen to participate in honor of a new month and such. Basically, the gist is that you write a letter a day for 30 days. It’s part self-awareness/reflection, part writing prompt, part free therapy. Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to subject you to 30 days full o’ letters; your regularly scheduled toy reviews, thoughts, rants, and eye candy will still be available. These will just pepper in throughout the weeks/months. If you too decide to join in, please comment and let me know. Day 1 will start sometime this week.

-Essin’ Em

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush/ Partner(s)

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-partner/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

This week, we have some more deliciousness from Cocksexual for our yummy eye candy, featuring queer porn stars of all sexes, genders, and identities.

I love Cocksexual, because you have such a diversity of hot models, from Miss Calico to Dylan Ryan to Sadie Lune (and Kimberlee Cline, and Billy Castro, and Jiz Lee, and Bella Vendetta, and Syd Blakovich) and many many more all strapped on and wearing and using cocks. Each scene (whether solo or with partners) has both photos and video.

I like the first two pictures, because I think sets with just one person rocking their cock can be extremely hot, and of course Dylan Ryan and Calico (two fierce femmes) have got that well practiced. Then Sadie Lune getting a hot cock blow job from Gloria? Mmmm. Do queer blow jobs get much more delicious than that?

Enjoy the pictures, and see more picture and video by click here and joining Cocksexual!

Back this week with another delicious set from NoFauxxx, with one of our favorite queer kinksters, Lorelei Lee. Usually, we see photos from her on Kink.com websites, like Water Bondage and Men In Pain, but this week, we’ve got a great gallery of her from NoFauxx.com.

Now, we know Lorelei can be a sexy vixen, but did you also know that she is one smart cookies? Check out her awesome collection of feminist and queer theory books, and sexuality books, as she strips and then gets herself out in a pile of sexy and smart literature. I like my ladies with a good head on their shoulders, and she is certainly not exception, in  addition to being one of the hottest and sexiest queer porn stars out there.

Like what you see? Join NoFauxxx.com for the whole set, plus way more!