Sexuality Happens

I got an email, assumably from someone’s agent (I’m not quite sure), promoting an article about labiaplasty. For those of you who don’t know, this is plastic surgery on the labia. To make them look like some fictional, non-existant norm.

Let me reiterate what I say in every god damn class I teach. Vulvas are like snowflakes; each is unique, and beautiful just the way it is. I hold up Vivianne, my vulva puppet, and explain that sometimes the outer lips are biggers, but sometimes the inner lips are bigger. Sometimes the lips (either set, or even both) can be uneven.

There is NO reason, aside from a painful accident, to EVER, EVER EVER. Get labia plasty. Period. You are beautiful just the way YOU are(or your partner/friend/lover is beautiful just the way THEY are). Some of these surgeries require epic amounts of money, time, recovery, sometimes being put under…and sometimes, (often) the clients are still not happy with their vulvas.

Well, it turns out this article is PRO-Labiaplasty. Someone, somewhere, put me on a press list for fucking PRO genital mutilation articles…because that’s what non-emergency labiaplasty is. Genital mutiliation. The end. So I wrote back, asking if they had send me this because how atrocious and ridiculous this article was, supporting women cutting up their genitals to have some sort of “perfect” or “ideal” vulva that just doesn’t even exist.

Her answer?

This article was sent with the belief that women are allowed to do what they want with their vaginas and that there are far more atrocious things that can be done to them than labiaplasty.  That said, we find the article and subject matter interesting, and wanted to pass it along.

Thanks,
Amanda Z***********

Globalpost

THERE ARE FAR MORE ATROCIOUS THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE TO THEM OTHER THAN LABIAPLASTY. Um. What? I mean, if you’re going to count sexual assault, then yet. It doesn’t happen specifically to a vulva though — it happens to the whole person. I can honestly not think of anything worse happening to a vulva specifically than having it cut up. For not reason other than some non-existant ideal. Possibly losing most/all sensation in said lips.

I’m sorry, but while I support everyone’s right to make personal choices, I do not support our society telling vulva owners that they aren’t good enough, and so need to cut up their area of pleasure to appeal to some made up, bull shit standard.

The article itself, in the Global Post, did have one redeeming paragraph (out of two freaking pages talking about porn stars vulvas (NOT vaginas, btw) being the models for women who come in wanting vulva surgery because they want to look “perfect.’  The paragraph?

Virginia Braun, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Auckland, has also railed against the trend.

“We came to believe that, despite claims that they are about empowering women and improving women’s sexual pleasure, these surgeries were being recommended out of a misogynist disregard for women’s genital diversity and a willingness to exploit women’s lack of knowledge and confidence about their genitals,” she wrote in a study called “The ‘Designer Vagina’ and the pathologisation of female genital diversity: Interventions for change,” published in Radical Psychology earlier this year.

Otherwise, fuck this. Anyone who tells me that their are many worse things that can happen to ANYTHING is making excuses and creating a hierarchy of oppression.

Well, she sure did give me something to write about, although I’m sure it’s not the way she expected.

Love every vulva. Irregardless. The end.

-Essin’ Em

This is day 15 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor.  Hurray! This means I’m half way through, even if it is taking me a few months to get there…This one is supposed to be to someone I miss the most. That is so hard for me–I miss lots of people, for various intervals. I miss Q when we’re apart, even though I know we’re coming back together. I miss seeing fellow educators in the gaps between seeing them. I miss my best friends E and A who don’t live in the same state as I do. I miss so many people. However, I’m trying not to duplicate who these letters are to, so I’m going to write it to L…a good friend in Denver who I dated for a month or two, but has morphed into an amazing friend and great person to have in my life.

L -

Thank you for being there for me. We both have crazy schedules (hello, you were on the fucking Warped Tour this year!), but regardless, you always do you best to make a little time for me, whether it’s coming to a class of mine, getting me free tickets to your show, driving me to the airport. I miss you, your smiling face, your constant optimism about life and the world around you. I miss how you always see the best in people. I miss how my crazy antics embarass you, but also amuse you to the point that you’re not going to stop me from doing them.

Who would have thought I’d have met such a great friend at the DMV, trying to pick her up with ridiculous lines about cute tattoos and being new (again) to the city? Not I. However, I’m glad I put myself out there.

While our relationship is not like some of my friends, who I talk to on a weekly (or more) basis, I miss you because you are always willing to help out…even if it takes a day or two to call me back. You’re up for fun and adventures and creating change and helping people, and personal growth.

I miss you, and I can’t wait to be back in the same city as you!

-Essin’ Em

Dear AJ–

You were one

Excerpt from ShannaKatz.com…

When I was 10 or so, I discovered the wonders of the internet. It was back in the mid-90s, before most people had access, but my father was a computer scientist, and I was rocking out on Mosaic, way before IE or Eathlink or Netscape or AOL made their brands so popular. I didn’t use it for much, as there wasn’t that much info out there pertaining to me, but I did have an email, and learned how to search.

Around the late 90s, I was in my “oh em gee, want to learn everything possible about puberty and sex” and after my parents exhausted the info available at the local library, I was lucky enough to discover Scarleteen. It was still quite young back then, but it was knowledge, and that was something I was desperately hungry for. More importantly, it was more than just information; it was interactive. I could learn from older teens, from educators, from people my age. I became obsessive about checking the forums every day. It was a way for me to connect, to get information, to teach myself about sexuality, to have my questions answered, and to get to know my body.

I didn’t really get any sort of sex education from school until I was a Junior in High School (age 14), and accidentally ended up in a Parenting and Child Development class (amusing, since I definitely didn’t want and don’t want children). In that class, we spent a good week or two on birth control and contraception. I got 100% on every assignment, and impressed the teacher, as I already had learned most of this info from Scarleteen.

High school was hard for me. I graduated at 16, so I was always about 2-3 years younger than most of my peers, and that caused endless taunting and worse, being ignored. I had my inner circle of friends, of course, but more importantly, I had the knowledge that on Scarleteen, I was equal. My questions and answers were just as valid as a popular cheerleader, or another braniac. To me, sex education was my great equalizer. I might not be cool, or popular, or the social ideal of beautiful, but because I had information that no one else had, I was still interesting. I might get teased, but people still wanted what I had (knowledge) and so I wasn’t the brunt of as much hate as I might have been.

Click here to read the rest of How Sex Ed Saved My Life.

I’m creating a list. A list of sex/relationship/LGBTQ/kink/social justice/feminist/humanist bloggers who have put up at least one post that has made you stop for a moment and think. Perhaps it was about sex and gender, or about your views of relationships, or some privilege you have that you hadn’t realized that you had yet. It can be anything that made you think, analyse, re-examine, say “oh!” — whatever it is that made you stop for a moment and step outside of your own view of the world.

Often, sex bloggers get boxed into a, well, a box. We’re suppoed to write reviews, erotica, and post pictures. Lots of people who are called “sex bloggers” don’t even identify as such. However, just because someone isn’t writing about the sex they are having, but rather about navigating relationships, combating sexual violence or struggling with gender, this doesn’t mean they they aren’t an amazing blogger that can really make you think.

This list is for all bloggers who write in the field of sexuality and social justice. When posted, it will not have a numberical order — rather, it will just be in alphabetical order, because I don’t know how you can really judge the quality of someone’s writing, as everyone has such a different style.

The few rules:

*Please don’t nominate yourself.

*Blog must have at least 15 posts on it, preferrably at least 6 months old (younger blogs often disappear, and then many of the list links are dead).

*Please comment with: The blog URL, the blogger’s online name, and at least ONE link to a post that made you think. You don’t need to explain why, but please include at least one think-worthy post.

*You can nominate up to 10 bloggers. Please do one comment per blogger, for ease of actually creating the list.

*Bloggers must be somehow related to the fields of sex, sexuality, relationships, parenting, kink, poly, monogamy, social justice, equality, etc.

You have until November 30th at 11:59pm to nominate. Feel free to post about this on your blog, tweet/facebook about it, ask to be nominated, just remember that you cannot nominate yourself. Please grab the button above (made by the AMAZING Dangerous Lilly) — just please host it yourself (thanks!).

And so it begins…

-Essin’ Em

This is a newer vibrator on the American market — the Chippendales Diva vibrator, availabe in either Black or White. Obviously, I went with black, as I love it when toy companies take heed of my words, and make sexy black toys, or red toys. Plus white gets too visbility dirty.

I loved the packaging. I personally like having both a satin bag AND a nice, good quality box option for storage purposes. Q does not feel the same way, and finds the box to be really annoy and taking up to much room. Each to their own I suppose.

It came with the box, the bag, the toy, and a little booklet. Simple, elegant, I actually really liked the design of the toy. However, once I saw that this took AAA batteries, I knew it was not for me. I personally like weapons grade sex toys, like the Hitachi Magic Wand. Luckily for me, and for you, gentle readers, Q likes less intense vibrators, and was quite willing, once we were finally able to find a AAA pack of batteries (we tend to use either rechargable or toys taking AA batteries), to try it out of the good of the blog, and report back to you her thoughts on the vibrator.

So now, without further ado, I present my guest interview of the Chippendales Diva Vibrator from my partner Q.

Thoughts over all: It was ok. I didn’t like the box it came in, because I think it’s too bulky. However, I know you like it. The toy itself looks nice and sleek, and when I started using it, I thought it was going to be awesome. The problem was that neither the vibration level or the frequency were what I needed.

Would you use it again?  No. I used it for a bit, but couldn’t get off with it, and found it frustrating. Wound up having to finish up with the Onye, my good ol’ back up hitter. I wanted to like it, since it looked sleek and inviting, but honestly, I can’t say that it really worked for me.

What would you suggest they try to improve it? More power. Different vibrational frequency. Less on the packaging and more on the toy itself.

All in all, it seems like the Diva offers lovely packaging and a beautiful design, but doesn’t quite have the power needed to back up the rest of the stunning toy. I’m hoping they’ll refine it, and come back with another version, as I really do love the sleek and sexy black design.

Click here if you’d like to try it for yourself.

-Essin’ Em

I support sex education. Obviously. And I’ll be participating in this carnival over on ShannaKatz.com this Friday. However, I think it’s important that EVERY share their stories of sex education (good, bad and non-existant), and support this amazing resource that provides FREE sex education and answers to questions for teens, youth, and anyone that needs information. I donated to support Scarleteen – what about you?

-Essin’ Em

The Scarleteen Sex-Ed Blog Carnival is set to run October 15th through November 15th and we’d love if if you’d take part. We’re featuring posts about your experiences with sexuality education and the importance of the kind of positive, inclusive and trustworthy information Scarleteen provides to young people.

***Find a list of participants and banners for use on your site here!***

We probably don’t need to tell you how important good, accessible sexuality education is, nor how important a safe space for young people to talk about sexuality is, particularly in light of the tragic events in the last month that showed too clearly how some  young people are still all too unsupported, and many young people’s lives could be improved or saved if the level of sexual education they receive was more compassionate, truthful and positive.

Throughout the month expect to see posts from a selection of amazing writers from the sex-positive, feminist and skeptical blogosphere. Also, Heather Corinna will be publishing advice columns written by herself and guest authors every day of the month on Scarleteen.

What Scarleteen Needs: Last year, Scarleteen needed increased donations in order to get through the end of 2009 and into 2010, in large part because private donations for a few years previous had been so low and left us in a very financially precarious position. We increased our financial goals to reflect the need for a minimum annual operating budget of $70,000. Thanks to generous contributions from our supporters in response to that appeal, while we were not able to reach that level, we were able to raise what we needed to not only get through 2009, but were able to use the funds wisely to sustain the organization through 2010.  Our goal now is to continue to work toward that annual operating budget. Ideally, we would like to see a minimum of $20,000 in individual donations each year to combine with funding from private grants. In order for that to happen, we need for current donors to keep giving, and we also also need to cultivate new donors.

This minimum budget is exceptionally cost-effective for the level of service we provide, especially compared to other organizations and initiatives whose budgets are far higher, including those which do not match our reach and our level of direct-service. If you would like more details about our budget and expenses, just contact us via email and we’ll gladly share that information with you.

We’re now allowed to show our pictures from the Sex Blogger Calendar 2011, and I love love love this picture. Thanks to Marty Carstens for taking this fabulous photo of me and Valerie (Vivianne the Vulva’s smaller cousin), to all of those people and companies who worked to put it on, and all of the other hot and sexy models who came together to raise money for sexual freedom!

Calendars are now available online — click here to buy your own! With Nina Hartley on the cover, and Jiz Lee in January (I’m in June), it’ll be a great way to celebrate the new year, and they make great, social justice oriented presents for the holiday season. Just saying…

-Essin’ Em

I’m sure that you have all heard about the recent rash of tragedies regarding anti-LGBTQ bullying, and the teens that felt the only way out was to take their own lives.

This is not my most eloquent video. I have no script. I mess up a few times. But it’s from my heart. It’s part of both the It Gets Better push, as well as the Make It Better Project (LGBTQ youth empowerment). We need to stop the bullying as well as stop the suicides, depression and all of the effects of such a horrible climate.

-Essin’ Em

Other resources:
Scarleteen
Trevor Project

Many people are talking about the It Gets Better campaign. I myself am filming a video for it.

However, I think that it is also important to create change in the schools now, rather than just put a band aid on it until they grow up. BOTH are important messages. There is another organization now called the Make It Better Project, which is using social media, videos, the web and more to empower youth to create change in their own communities right now.

Please check it out and pass it on to any you feel might find it relevant.

-Essin’ Em

Photo courtesy of Dangerous Lilly

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #21? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

On Making Sex Last: Cheerleading & Open Relationships - as long as the possession stuff can be fun and consensual, and not interfering with each other’s sovereignty, I think the two—cheerleading and possession—aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

Owned – I had almost forgotten that while here, with him, I was HIS plaything. I was OWNED by him. We had discussed this. I knew the rules. I must not forget again.

The sheer indecency of what we are doing – Is he looking for what I’m looking for? Surely so—all men want that, don’t they? A flaming succubus that comes only in the dark to bring unworldly pleasures and leave behind strange lingering dreams that spice their dutiful daytime lives.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Stop Hating on Campus Sex Education – Clearly, there is a need for this education, because if it doesn’t come from sexuality educators, it comes from word of mouth (which can often provide incorrect information), or from the internet, or from trial and error.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Is it Really “Strange” Sex?

See also: Pleasurists #96 and #97 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

A teabreak tawsing

Blow job

Caribbean Screw

His evil twin

My adventure in subbing continues

My Big Pink Robot

Play Party!

Sisters unite for the MFW, part 2

The one with the Violet Wand

Turning Lemons into Lemonade

Wanton Wednesday: Bitten

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Cunning Linguists Are We: Cunnilingus 101

Crushing Swingerphobia by Hitting the Club

Coming Out & Invisible Illness

Hold Up Stockings

My First Grue in Review

NSE – New Swinger Energy

Relationships and Emotions

Sadie’s Thoughts on Cheating. Confession #507

Three’s Company, Too – Dreaming of the Multi-Relationship Home

The Sisterhood

Thoughts on bisexuality and visibility

When I’m Done With Crying…

Why Lie, Why Cheat?

Erotic Writing

A Raise

Any Idea?

Buttlove

Building the Anticipation

Coming Back to Me

Extraordinary Uses for Ordinary Objects

“Enslaved The Story of Jen” Chapter 13

Fantasy: Waking Up

Hotel windows…

I Give Good Head

Lipstick Kisses

Like Mother, Like Daughter

My first little girly night

One Night With NSVG

Oh, What a Night!

Revisited

Rekindling

She

Something in the Air

sacks, part one

The Quick Ebony Fux

up lateish