Sexuality Happens

Ok…so this contest is mostly for the boyz. When I say boy/boi, I mean someone who has a body part that they’d like to use the freaking awesome Tenga Egg on (or a partner for such). On the other hand, it’s been pointed out to me on the Tenga Egg page at Babeland.com (contest sponsor!) that you can even turn the egg inside out and use it on a Hitachi as a fun bumpy cover, so really, it is for anyone and every one.

It’s simple to enter. Just comment and tell me your favorite food/story/word that involves eggs. Think humpy dumpty, eggs benedict, who knows!

Deadline: Friday, August 27th at 11:59PM PDT.

Shipping included for US residents. Must be 18 or over to win. That’s about it for the small print.

Here is a picture of the different individual insides of the Tenga Eggs, whether you use them as male masturbators or Hitachi Magic Wand covers.

And that’s all for now folks. It’s a pretty EGG-citing contest, so comment away!

-Essin’ Em

This post was published on this site last year. I’m reposting as it’s something still very important to me.

-Essin’ Em

The week or two ago, Sequoia wrote an interesting post about nudity and sexuality.  It got me thinking.

What is wrong with nudity? I mean, seriously. There are few things I love more in this world (Q, our cats, sex, reading a good book, etc) than hanging around naked. Whether it’s reading in bed nude, my body against the sheets, or standing out in the warm sun with not a stitch of clothes, and cuddling naked with Q on the couch, I absolutely LOVE being naked.

And yet, even though we’re born naked, it feels good to be naked, even though it’s just as healthy to be naked, society has a huge beef with it. 

Because obviously nudity = sex/pervert.  It’s apparently impossible to be naked without clearly wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone in your path.  Nude beaches are few and far between, as are nudist colonies, and people are shocked about those that attend these areas. Moreover, homophobia comes into play, because for some reason, people think that anyone who is gay and naked is now a pedophile.

Sequoia talked about how she sub-conciously likes to touch herself when she’s naked. I’m the same way…although I don’t even need to be completely naked to be doing that without thinking about. It’s not usually in a sexual sense — I have an itch, or am enjoying the breeze, or it just feels nice to have touch all over my body with nothing in the way.

Why is this so bad?  I hated my body, HATED it, until I started the tradition of my car being a topless car for everyone in it after 2am.  Let me tell you, this increased my body image SO much, seeing other people naked, getting to be naked, etc. Ditto goes for thee nude pictures we took and auctioned off  the three years I was in the Vagina Monologues in undergrad.

Nudity save my life. My horrible self-image of my body contributed to  some of my epic depression. It still does at times…I mean, I watch porn I’ve made, and question this roll, or that scar at times. Or I have days where I don’t fit into my favorite outfit the way I want. Granted, I love my body for the most part now, but I still, just like anyone else, have days I question my body and my body image.

But I KNOW how much worse it would be if I hadn’t learned to love being nude. Between theatre, and pictures, and porn, and kink, and living on my own where I can wander around my apartment (and Q’s place) completely naked, sleep naked, bake naked (and cook in an apron — hot oil is hot).

So why are we so against nudity. Other than the possibility of sunburns, or hot oil burns, why have we developed a hatred of nudity, and why have so many nudist developed this high level of homophobia.  We’re born without clothes, without significant sexual attractions (although fetuses and infants DO masturbate, P-fucking-S). When do we learn to be ashamed of our bodies, and to be horrified by different orientations, making assumtions about them? Why?

Original Post

Inspired by the Slutty Friend, I’ve decided to make a list of things that turn me on, that make me say “oooh” or “ahhh” or “mmmm.” These are in no particular order.

-Essin’ Em

*Ties (especially gender queer/butch people wearing them)

*Q, especially when dressed up, and properly mohawked

*Eyeglasses

*Lighting

*Massages

*Thunder

*Dark Chocolate

*Ice Cream

*People passionate for social justice

*Corsets/Cinchers

*Gender queer-ness/Gender fuckery

*Other people packing

*The Hitachi Magic Wand

*Duct Tape on my Moose

*Kisses on my neck

*Knives

*Vampire Gloves

*The smell of books (especially old books)

*Black nitrile gloves

*Vaginal Fisting

*Queer Porn

*Introspective Tattoos

*Train rides

*Hotel beds

*Hot tubs

*Pools

*Being submerged

*Snow/rain/fog

*Fire

*Lilac/magnolias/lily of the valley/gladiolas scents

*Leopard print

*Certain music

*Pedicures (this is new, as of last week)

*Having my head pet

*Cuddling

*Grasshoppers (the drink)

*Breasts

Last month, I presented a workshop at one of the Fascinations stores in Phoenix entitled “What’s In Your Toybox?” It was recorded, and now is online for everyone to see, in case you missed it, don’t live in Phoenix, etc. Enjoy!

-Essin’ Em

(Special thanks to Matt at Fascinations for rocking out with the video stuff!)

As of today, I am officially 24.

What am I doing today? Nada.  Q is working all day, and has a special work event tonight, so it’s just me and the kitties. I’m planning on sleeping in, masturbating a bit, maybe renting a movie, or going to get a cupcake or something. Same old, same old. Birthdays never really turn out well for me. I’ve been robbed, I’ve been in a car accident, I’ve gotten a kidney infection, I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs, I’ve had my little kitty die.  Birthdays generally don’t bode well for me.

Despite this outlook, it IS my birthday, so I’m going to at least write about it.

So much has happened in the last year.  

I lost my little girl kitty Athena, breaking my heart.

I met Q, the love of my life.

F broke up with me, which in hindsight, was a good thing.

I shot porn/naked pictures for CrashPadSeries.com, GoodDykePorn.com, NoFauxxx and VegPorn.com.

I attended Sex 2.0 in Washington, DC.

I met some of my favorite sex(uality) people.

I’ve been unemployed. 

I worked for Western Union in a contract position. 

I visited my best friend in Seattle.

I’m back to being unemployed.

I hosted Wick’d Dyke Night and Spanktrum (queer play parties) in Denver.

I found my kink family in Denver; the lovely Ms. Angell, Evey, Nyx, Domitor, Faith, Noan, Lynx and others. I found a home at the RACK room and the Denver Enclave.

I adopted a new kitty; Kali.

I moved to Arizona with Q.

I’m desperately missing my BFF in Denver, and my other friends there.

I’ve gained Q’s cat, Jasper.

I’ve celebrated my first Thanksgiving with Q.

I have my first “holiday shrubbery.”

I am interested, if not a little scared (and also excited!), to see what happens in the next year.

If you’re crafty, and wanting to make me a gift, I do love me some home made presents.  Email me or comment, and I’ll send my address. If you’re wanting to buy me a gift, you can see here what I’m craving.  And if you don’t have the ability to do any, I’d just love a nice comment…always can cheer me up!

Here’s a picture from last year’s birthday party:

The theme was Super Heros, Fairy Tales, Urban Legends and Tall Tales.

I was the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland…and thought this Captain Morgan hat looked like a giant uterus.  But then again, that’s just me. And I’m a pervert.

-Essin’ Em

Tristan Taormino, Photo Source

Tristan Taormino is a rockstar of sex positivity, and a personal idol of mine.  I am hoping to be lucky enough to go hear her speak at the new Fascination in Scottsdale, AZ this Thursday, and finally meet her in person. Her book Opening Up is a brilliant look at the various types of non-monogamy, and her other book Down and Dirty Sex Secrets is a great all encompassing sex book for everyone.  Moreover, she has great videos that bridge the gap between educational and pleasurable/porn, from The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women to her Guide to Rough Sex, and of course, her awesome series Chemistry . She even has her own rocking butt plug! She was also the editor of Best Lesbian Erotica for many years – check out BLE 2009 for a sexy story about me written by Sinclair Sexsmith. If you live in one of the following places, I HIGHLY recommend getting out to see her! (And if you come to Scottsdale, make sure you say hi to me as well). For more info on Tristan, check out www.PuckerUp.com

That’s all for now,

Essin’ Em

Sunday, November 8, 5:00 pm potluck, 6:00 pm workshop
Santa Fe, NM
KINKY POSSIBILITIES: OPEN RELATIONSHIPS IN THE SCENE
People who practice BDSM and those who are in Dominant/submissive relationships face unique challenges in both designing their open relationships and making them work. Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino offers practical advice and strategies for dealing with specific issues related to being open and kinky. We’ll cover: common open relationship styles within BDSM communities and how they can work best; creative ways for giving everyone a voice in the negotiation process; dealing with jealousy and other intense feelings; and practical conflict resolution skills. In the interactive facilitated portion of this workshop, participants will be encouraged to share their stories, issues, and solutions.
RSVP: see the Fetlife event page or email for details!
Location: see FetLife event page for location & directions, not on FetLife? email me!
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

Monday, November 9, 7:30 pm
Albuquerque, NM
ANAL PLEASURE 101
In her most popular workshop, one she has taught around the world for over 9 years, Tristan introduces you to the world of anal pleasure. In this funny, education class, she covers a wide variety of topics, including: myths about anal sex; anal anatomy, the G-spot, and the prostate; basic preparation and hygiene; lubes, anal toys, and safer sex; anal penetration for beginners, and much more!
Location: Self Serve, 3904B Central Ave SE, Albuquerque, NM 87108
Admission: $30, register now to reserve your spot
Info: 505-265-5815
URL: www.selfservetoys.com 

Thursday, November 12, 7:00 pm
Scottsdale, AZ
“LET’S TALK SEX” with Tristan Taormino
Sex expert, author, and adult filmmaker Tristan Taormino will share her top ten ways to use toys and other accessories to take your sex life to the next level! She’ll tell you her picks for the best lube, vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, men’s toys, and more! She’ll talk about creative ways to use toys and other sexy goodies to transform your bedroom into an erotic playground. Plus, you’ll be able to ask her all your burning questions in a supportive, non-judgmental environment. Join Tristan as she takes you on a tour of all you need to know to have sensational, mind-blowing sex!
Location: Fascinations, 14747 Northsight Blvd., Scottsdale, AZ 85260
Admission: free and open to the public
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

Saturday, November 14, 7:00 pm
Minneapolis, MN
ANAL PLEASURE 101
In her most popular workshop, one she has taught around the world for over 9 years, Tristan introduces you to the world of anal pleasure. In this funny, education class, she covers a wide variety of topics, including: myths about anal sex; anal anatomy, the G-spot, and the prostate; basic preparation and hygiene; lubes, anal toys, and safer sex; anal penetration for beginners, and much more!
Location: Smitten Kitten, 3010 Lyndale Avenue, South Minneapolis MN
Admission: $30, pre-registration is required
Save on tickets: sign up for multiple of Tristan’s in-store events and save!! Just $50 for 2 workshops, $60 for ALL THREE!
Info: 612-721-6088
Email: info (at) smittenkittenonline.com
URL: www.smittenkittenonline.com 

Sunday, November 15, 7:00 pm
Minneapolis, MN
G-SPOT & FEMALE EJACULATION
Whether you don’t know how to find your G-spot or you’re an experienced G-spotter looking for some new techniques, find out all there is to know about G-spot anatomy, how to find your or someone else’s G-spot and orgasmic G-spot sex. Also learn about myths and truths about female ejaculation-what it is and isn’t and tips and techniques to try out at home.
Location: Smitten Kitten, 3010 Lyndale Avenue, South Minneapolis MN
Admission: $30, pre-registration is required
Save on tickets: sign up for multiple of Tristan’s in-store events and save!! Just $50 for 2 workshops, $60 for ALL THREE!
Info: 612-721-6088
Email: info (at) smittenkittenonline.com
URL: www.smittenkittenonline.com 

Monday, November 16, 7:00 pm
Minneapolis, MN
DESIGNING YOUR OPEN RELATIONSHIP
Are you considering an open relationship? Does your current open relationship need some tweaking? In this interactive workshop, relationship expert and author of Opening Up, Tristan Taormino will explore common myths, real-life benefits and challenges, and how to decide if an open relationship is right for you.
You’ll learn to articulate what you want, identify and negotiate limits and boundaries, communicate with your partner(s) in productive ways, and create relationships that work for you.
Admission: $30, pre-registration is required
Save on tickets: sign up for multiple of Tristan’s in-store events and save!! Just $50 for 2 workshops, $60 for ALL THREE!
Info: 612-721-6088
Email: info (at) smittenkittenonline.com 
URL: www.smittenkittenonline.com 

Tuesday, November 17, 8;00 pm
Princeton University, NJ
Beyond Monogamy: The Case for Open Relationships
A Book Talk with Tristan Taormino
Relationship and sex expert Tristan Taormino offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships. Drawing on in-depth research, interviews with over a hundred women and men, and her own personal experiences, Tristan explores the real-life benefits and challenges of open relationships in her new book. With her refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino argues that we must question the fairy tales and challenge the myths we’ve been taught about love, sex, intimacy, and commitment- only then can we create relationships that are honest, fulfilling, and really work.
Sponsored by LeTS.
Location: TBA
URL: www.princeton.edu/lgbt/events
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

Wednesday, November 18, Noon
Princeton University, NJ
Queer Sexualities
Lunch Talk with Tristan Taormino
What does it mean to be queer, sex positive, and sexually empowered? Join Tristan Taormino for an intimate discussion about queer sexuality. Society bombards us all with mixed messages about sex that are often confusing and contradictory. LGBTQ people are especially vulnerable to stereotypes and negative representations of our sexuality. How do we come to terms with feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety about our desires? How can we learn to embrace and cultivate our erotic power in order to build confidence and create fulfilling relationships?
Sponsored by the LGBT Center and Women’s Center
Location: LGBT Center Rainbow Lounge (Frist 247), Princeton University
URL: www.princeton.edu/lgbt/events
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

November 20-22, 2009
Worcester, MA
TRANSCENDING BOUNDARIES
6th Annual Conference
The Transcending Boundaries conference for bisexual/pansexual, trans/genderqueer, intersex, and polyamorous people and our allies. We are pleased to announce that this year’s keynote speaker will be renowned alternative sexualities speaker Tristan Taormino. 
The conference strives to foster community, provide safe space, educate ourselves, and overcome societal sex, gender, and sexuality boundaries! Join us for open mic and Transgender Day of Remembrance reception, dynamic workshops, parties and entertainment, and a keynote luncheon with Tristan Taormino. We welcome everyone, from local, regional and national leaders in the bi, trans, intersex and poly communities to newcomers and allies. TBC works hard to make our conference safe, affordable and accessible for all.
Location: DCU Center and the Hilton Garden Inn in Worcester, MA
Admission: Register online at www.transcendingboundaries.org

Written by me for my new series “Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Learned in School.”  Reposted from Good Vibrations Magazine. 

Lube. Maybe you love it, maybe you don’t, but I’m willing to bet a fair amount of money that you never learned about it in your middle/high school sex education classes.  Hell, maybe you still have no idea about it. Many people don’t.

I am a huge proponent of lube. In fact, I even have a button that I wear proudly; lube is love. Perhaps you are asking why I’m such a lube lover. Let me give you the lowdown on why lube is so great.

First of all, lube can make things easier.  You know when a ring is stuck on someone’s finger and they put vasoline or butter on it to help slide it off?  Or when you’re trying to get a bullet vibe in or out of a dildo, and a drop of lube helps it pop right out (or in)?  Lube helps to pave the way.  Let’s say you’re trying to stick something (penis, dildo, cock, fingers, etc) into something (usually a vagina/cunt/anus). Why WOULDN’T you want to make it a smoother entry? To slide right in instead of having to force something is one of the great things about lube.

Now, you might be thinking “but my/my partner lubricates fabulously all on their own.” Great!  Perhaps you don’t need a little extra help. However, natural lube can dry up fairly quickly, plus there are so many reasons someone might not be lubricating much (or at all); antihistamines (any allergy meds), hormonal birth control, a plethora of other medications and medical conditions, stress in your/their daily life, hearing kids running around in the other room, etc. Plus, some people just don’t have a lot of natural lube. And that’s perfectly ok. Easiest solution to this is to grab some lube and add it to your sex life.

Talking about adding lube — anuses, although pretty spiffy, are not able to lubricate on their own. At all. Period.  Ergo, if you are putting things in a butt (your own or someone else), PLEASE use lube.  Even if it’s just spit, use something. If you’re trying for some hot anal sex, and haven’t ever done it before, use lube. It’s really hard to slide something big into something small if you’ve got a ton of friction going on.

Let’s speak to condoms for a moment. Poor condoms get such a bad rap. However, one little trick to making them feel better for all parties involved is lube!  Put a small drop…and when I say small, I mean small, inside the condom before the wearer puts it on.  Then, put a little more lube either on the outside of the condom or wherever the condom is going to be going.  Voila! Less friction equals more sensation, and you’re still having safer sex.

How much is the right amount? Start out with a little, as you can add a little more and a little more until it feels just right…kind of like a pervy goldilocks.  Too much, and soon you’ve turned sex into a slip n’ slide; not enough, and it totally defeats the purpose of using lube. 

What happens when you’ve been going at it for a while, and your lube starts to dry up a bit? Instead of adding more and more and more and turning it into a sticky, goopy mess, most lubes reactivate with a little bit of water.  This can be spit, sprinkling some water from a drinking glass, or my personal favorite; using a squirt gun. Get creative.

There are, for all intents and purposes, three types of lube; water based, silicone based and oil based.

Oil based lube (such as boy butter) are great jack off lubes. They stick around a long time, are very slick, and well, they’re designed for wanking.  However, they are NOT ok to put inside cunts, and there is a great debate as to whether oil is butt friendly. Granted, people have been using Crisco for years, but if you want to be sure of being body-friendly, don’t put oil based lubed inside you. Additionally, oil of any kind dissolves latex…meaning oil based lubes and any latex condoms/gloves/dams are mortal enemies.  Safer sex and oil based lubes don’t belong together.

A good amount of the lubes available, especially at your local drug store, and many sex toy providers, is water based. This means the main ingredient is water, and that it will wash off easily. It doesn’t have the staying power of oil based or silicone based, but it is definitely vagina/cunt/anus friendly, is easy to get off when you’re done, and reactivates with a little water. Additionally, it is latex friendly AND will not harm silicone toys.

Silicone lubes are available primarily online – you’ll be hard pressed to find them at the drugstore, although your local sex toy/adult store might carry it. It does not wash away very easily, making it good for sex in the shower/pool, or if you’re planning on going at it for a while. The number one thing to know about silicone lube is that you CANNOT use it with silicone toys.  It may melt them, or turn them into a Swiss cheese consistency, etc. Keep them separate. However, silicone lubes IS latex friendly, and although there are a few dissenting voices, it is generally considered friendly for vaginas/cunts/anuses.

Some of the water based lubes contain glycerin, and quite a few people have negative reactions to it, including getting yeast infections — since glycerin is made from glucose, which is sugar.  If you’re having problems with your lube, or you KNOW that you’re prone to yeast infections, make sure your lube is glycerin (and paraben) free.  Some good glycerin free, water based options are Maximus, Sliquid, Probe and O’My.

As a note, some (although not all) flavored lubes do contain sugars of various types. Sugars + cock = not an issue. Sugars + vagina/cunt = yeast infections. Read the ingredients, and know what you’re putting in your body!

Lube is love, folks. There are so many choices out there, and so many great reasons to use it, from exploring new territory to increasing sensation, and much more. With all the positives and the lack of negatives, why not give lube a good college try?

-Essin’ Em

The week or two ago, Sequoia wrote an interesting post about nudity and sexuality.  It got me thinking.

What is wrong with nudity? I mean, seriously. There are few things I love more in this world (Q, our cats, sex, reading a good book, etc) than hanging around naked. Whether it’s reading in bed nude, my body against the sheets, or standing out in the warm sun with not a stich of clothes, and cuddling naked with Q on the couch, I absolutely LOVE being naked.

And yet, even though we’re born naked, it feels good to be naked, even though it’s just as healthy to be naked, society has a huge beef with it. 

Because obviously nudity = sex/pervert.  It’s apparently impossible to be naked without clearly wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone in your path.  Nude beaches are few and far between, as are nudist colonies, and people are shocked about those that attend these areas. Moreover, homophobia comes into play, because for some reason, people think that anyone who is gay and naked is now a pedophile.

Sequoia talked about how she sub-conciously likes to touch herself when she’s naked. I’m the same way…although I don’t even need to be completely naked to be doing that without thinking about. It’s not usually in a sexual sense — I have an itch, or am enjoying the breeze, or it just feels nice to have touch all over my body with nothing in the way.

Why is this so bad?  I hated my body, HATED it, until I started the tradition of my car being a topless car for everyone in it after 2am.  Let me tell you, this increased my body image SO much, seeing other people naked, getting to be naked, etc. Ditto goes for thee nude pictures we took and auctioned off  the three years I was in the Vagina Monologues in undergrad.

Nudity save my life. My horrible self-image of my body contributed to  some of my epic depression. It still does at times…I mean, I watch porn I’ve made, and question this roll, or that scar at times. Or I have days where I don’t fit into my favorite outfit the way I want. Granted, I love my body for the most part now, but I still, just like anyone else, have days I question my body and my body image.

But I KNOW how much worse it would be if I hadn’t learned to love being nude. Between theatre, and pictures, and porn, and kink, and living on my own where I can wander around my apartment (and Q’s place) completely naked, sleep naked, bake naked (and cook in an apron — hot oil is hot).

So why are we so against nudity. Other than the possibility of sunburns, or hot oil burns, why have we developed a hatred of nudity, and why have so many nudist developed this high level of homophobia.  We’re born without clothes, without significant sexual attractions (although fetuses and infants DO masturbate, P-fucking-S). When do we learn to be ashamed of our bodies, and to be horrified by different orientations, making assumtions about them? Why?

-Essin’ Em

I showed up in front of her apartment, wearing a pinstripe skirt-suit, and white blouse.  She let me in.

“We’ve got to hurry.  We need to leave in ten minutes. Have you eaten yet?” I asked her.

“No.”

“Well, you’d better eat something before we go.”

Pointing to the bedroom, she replied “well, then you’d better go lie down.”

“No, I’m serious!”

“So am I. Lie down.”

I took off my coat, hiked my skirt up, and pulled my underwear to my ankles while she put a towel on the bed.  Seconds later, her tongue was on my clit, and I was bucking my hips into her face.

Pumping some lube into her hand, she slid her fingers inside me as I moaned.  Over the next few minutes, I went from zero to 60, although I think I “only” came about 15 times, squirting all over her.

Thirty seconds later, I had my underwear pulled up, and was sliding my jacket back on as I stumbled out of her bedroom. Other than being in a post orgasmic bliss and dripping for the rest of the night, it was as though nothing had happened.

And THAT is what our quickies look like.

-Essin’ Em

I’ve decided to write a series of articles, both for here and for Good Vibrations. It’s going to be called Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Got in School. It’s going to be informative, interesting and amusing, and it’s going to cover things that I (and hopefully you) deem important things about sex/sexuality/etc that you never got in your middle school/high school/college sexuality education classes. I already know some topics I’m planning on writing about, but I’d love to hear from you, from your friends, your partners, your kids, etc, about subjects that warrant discussion.

Here are some ideas I’m already planning on writing about:

*Lube; different types, when to use it, ingredient allergies, social perceptions

*Safer sex; how can we make barriers less icky and more sexy, since no one REALLY loves a condom/dam

*Period sex; pros/cons, how to do it safely, talking about it, etc

*How to talk with your partner about relationships styles (mono, poly, partner but playing, etc)

*How to come out as kinky

*First timers; how to deal with fears, concerns, etc, and figure out the right time

*Toys; introducing them, figuring out what works for you without blowing the budget

*Post sex activities; clean up, peeing (no UTIs), etc

*When you DO have an STI: people DO get them — how do you tell current, future and/or past partners

*Casual sex; how to have it while making it as safe and fun as possible

*Role playing: Types, discussions, etc

*Sex with/as a survivor; how to provide/ask for support, resources, etc

Any other ideas?  I’d love to hear them, and hopefully write about them.  Please comment here, unless you’d like to be more anonymous and send me an email at essinem at GMAIL dot com.  Either way, please, let me know topics you wish you’d learned in sex ed in your school(s), or from your parents, etc. If you can re-post, re-tweet, etc, and let people know about this, I’d really appreciate it!

Thanks!

-Essin’ Em