Sexuality Happens

I leave this afternoon to go speak at Brown University’s Sex Week. They’ve really loaded it up with awesome sex educators; myself, Oh Megan, Sarah Sloane and more!

What am I talking about while there?

Monday, March 15th

Strap-On 101 w/ Shanna Katz

Time/Location: 12:00pm @ Sarah Doyle Women’s Center lounge (26 Benevolent St.)

Come learn all about the joys and pleasures of strapping it on. Who said harnesses were just for girl-on-girl action? In this workshop, we’ll discuss double-penetration, “pegging,” using harnesses for cuckolding, “femmecock,” and so much more! Ever wonder what the difference is between a g-string and a dual strap? We’ll cover that too! You’ll learn how to properly work a strap-on, contemplate a plethora of positions, and learn about the pros/cons of different types of toys. This class is open to singles, couples and moresomes of all sexes and genders. Never used a harness before? That’s fine – we’ll start with the basics. Plus, everyone will get to try on harnesses with toys to get a feel for the different styles, as well as figure out what works best for them.

SexAbility w/ Shanna Katz (and potentially Marlene Chait, a Brown Post-Doc Research Fellow whose doctoral dissertation is ‘An Exploratory Study About Women with Physical Disabilities: Survey of Their Views on Personal Assistance Services (PAS), Sexuality Education, and Sexual Expression’)

Time/Location: 5:30pm @ Salomon 202

People of all ability levels are sexual beings. Sex is hard enough to navigate and negotiate when one fits in with society’s notions of what a sexual being is, but once you add in the concept of ability, it can become quite challenge. This workshop is discussion-based, and covers issues such as coming out to your partner(s), how to discuss ability levels, new things to try, correct terminology, negotiating sex play (including kink/BDSM play), and much more. Participants are encouraged to share suggestions, trade ideas, etc. Great for people of all ability levels (and their partners) who want to recognize themselves as sexual beings. This workshop hopes to challenge people’s viewpoints, foster discussion and conversation, and open doors towards a shift in the social constructions surrounding sexuality and disability.

Make it Work Outside the Box: Relationship-Mapping & Communication w/ Shanna Katz

Time/Location: 8:30pm @ List 120 (64 College St.)

Description: Communication is key, but how DO we communicate? More importantly, how does communication change (or not) once we break the boundaries of what are considered “traditional relationships”? In this workshop we’ll talk about the different styles of communication, the languages of love, types of non-verbal communication, why communcation is so important, and how to adapt all of this for kinky AND vanilla relationships. We’ll gain an understanding about the basic types of relationships that people have in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. Finally, we’ll talk about polyamory/non-monogamy – its various facets, how to get into it, and most importantly, how we can make it work when there are more than two people involved. Bring paper, pen, and an open mind. We will be raffling off two Tantus toys at this event, so make sure you arrive early and get a seat!

Tuesday, March 16th

Feminist Pornography (Out For Lunch) w/ Shanna Katz

Time/Location: 12:00pm @ LGBTQ Resource Center (3rd floor Hillel, at 80 Angell St.)

Are you one of those who has wondered exactly what it is that makes porn “feminist” or “sex positive?” Join us as we talk about definitions of pornography and obscenity, and how sexual pleasure can be recording in a feminist and sex positive way. We’ll discuss current companies who identify as sex positive, and what separates them (or not!) from current, mainstream pornographic productions. By the end of this talk, everyone will still have formed different opinons, but will be more educated as to what this sex positive porn movement is.

As some of you know, this year the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar is going national in their search for models. I really really really want to be a part of it.

I need your help times 2.

A) I’m trying to figure out a good “pose.”  As their site says, it should represent sexual sexual freedom, what it means to you, how you express it.  I had several ideas, from doing a blind lady justice thing with scales and hand cuffs and rainbows, to being suspended in rope with my cane. I just don’t know.  I express sexual freedom by being me; by being open and honest and educatory and transparent and loud and stubborn everyday. How do I express that visually? I’d love any ideas you may have.

B) I’m in need of a photographer.  I love love love working with Michael Barone, and I think this is right up his alley. However, he lives in Pennsylvania, and I won’t be going there before May. I also contacted a local photographer I’ve met here in Phoenix who I think does excellent work and would get the whole sexual freedom thing, but she hasn’t responded to me.  This is where you come in; do you know someone in the Phoenix/Tucson area that would be interested and does great photography?  Or someone in RI (I’ll be there March 15th and 16th) or NY (I’ll be on Long Island April 1-4th)?

Any advice, suggestions, support, etc would be very much appreciated!

<3

-Essin’ Em

Note: I don’t actually have this suitcase, although I really wish I did!

This afternoon, Q and I are leaving to the wonderous city of San Francisco. I’ve only been once, and she’s never been, so it should be very excited.

I’m teach on Thursday, Friday, and most of the day Saturday. Click here to see what classes/workshops I’m doing when and where. I’d love to see you!

Additionally, I look forward to meet up with Dr. Charlie Glickman, Carol Queen, Jiz Lee, Madison Young, Ian Sparks,  Margaret and T of They Belong to Us, Mollena, and hopefully a variety of other awesome sex-positive people while in the Bay Area. I’m going to hook my essinem at gmail dot com email up to Q’s phone, and I should have wireless in the hotel, so if you don’t have my number, and would like to meet for coffee/tea/drinks/veggie friendly food, just shoot me an email or DM me on twitter with your number

Hoping for good weather, safe travel, low pain, full classes/workshops, and a great time all around.

See you on the flip side!

-Essin’ Em

Am I getting annoying about this yet? If so, I apologize.

I’ve made it to be a finalist for the Lezzy blog awards in the category of Sex/Short Story/Erotica.  I’ve got good company; Sinclair (Sugarbutch) and Scintillectually Yours.

Lots of my favorite bloggers made it on there; I’d suggest voting for Lady Brett Ashley (of Don’t Let’s Talk) for best engagement/wedding blog; she’s interesting, a deep thinker and really just awesome at combining daily life with ponderous topics.  I’d love for Sinclair Sexsmith (Sugarbutch Chronicles) to win Lifetime Achievement.  Plus, Just Like Jesse James is up for not one, but TWO awards! Feministing is also in the finalist group; congrats to the whole blogging staff (I wrote a toy store review for them once, so I feel kinda sorta doubly cool only not)! Last but not least; Fit for a Femme is a great blog in the culture/entertainment category.

So if you like this blog, if you like what I write, if you think it’s cool that I talk about gender and orientation and fluidity and write not just hot erotica, but also sex fail, and that I open myself up as much as I feel that I possibly can, and you enjoy reading/commenting/questioning/wondering about my writing, please go to www.TheLesbianLifestyle.com and vote for me (or whoever you feel deserves it).  You can vote once a day until March 2nd — just please remember to click on the confirmation link in your email, or else your vote doesn’t count. Please feel free to twitter/facebook/text etc, and tell people.

And if you don’t like me, or like someone else more, that’s fine too.  Just head over there and check out all the awesome lesbian/queer written blogs out there!

Thanks (in advance) for your vote, and your patience in me bugging you with this.

-Essin’ Em

This is a repost from ShannaKatz.com for the most part. For those who don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, I’m heading to San Francisco this week. Q will be at a higher ed conference, and I’m going to put on some classes/workshops, as well as meet up with some of my favorite sex positive people.

Hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

I’m heading out to one of my favorite cities this week; beautiful San Francisco. While out there, I’ll be presenting not one, not two, not even three, but four classes/workshops AND I’ll be reading erotica with the lovely Rita Seagrave and dashing Patrick Califia.

What’s the 411 on what’s going on? Well, you can always check my schedule, but I’ll break it down for you here as well.

February 25th – I’ll be at the Center for Sex and Culture talking about Relationship Mapping and Poly 101. Click here to get more info.

February 26th – I’ll be presening my famous Vaginal Fisting for One and All at the CSC. Click here to get more info.

February 27th – Today is a busy day, as I’m part of Sizzle at Femina Potens. At 2pm, I’m talking about BDSM 101 (click here for info/tickets). At 4pm, I’m presenting Sexability, about sex and dis/ability (click here for info/tickets). Then at 8pm, I’m reading erotica (click here to get info/tickets).

There you go folks; 5 opportunities to come learn, chat, grown and talk about sex with me. I’ll be available after each class/workshop to talk more one and one, and I certainly hope to see many of you (of those in the Bay Area) at one or more of these events!

Since moving to Arizona, I’ve tried to get involved in many communities, including multiple facets of the kink community here in Phoenix.  Within the first two weeks, we’d joined three groups, been to a kink carnival and orientation, and a women only play party, not to mention a munch or two. I tried to meet people, to make things work, to fit in.

While we made a few select friends, for the most part, we didn’t fit. There are very few queer identified people out and about to start, and even less in the kink community. In several groups, we’re the only queer identified couple.  At the women’s only event, I received a little bit of femme bashing, and Q felt incredibly out of place. And queerness aside, we felt very out of place because we not attach a D/s dynamic to our relationship, and it seems as though almost everyone here is very staunchly identified as top or bottom, Dom(me) or sub, and we don’t.  We don’t even identify as switches.  While occasionally she’ll call me Mistress during sex, or I’ll call her Sir while all tied up, we don’t play with power much. We’re just kinky, and that doesn’t seem to be an option.

I decided to start a new group here; AlternaKink. For those of us who don’t play within the typical power structure of BDSM, those who are queer or have different gender presentations and don’t feel comfortable in the current spaces, for those who like to laugh while playing, and who are alternative.

And cue the storm of “oh my god, you’re a horrible person, you’re not community oriented, you’re fracturing the community.”  Never mind that I specifically noted that I respected the other groups, planned to stay of member of them, and was just trying to create a safe space and additional options.  There aren’t even parties every weekend here, none the less a choice of “should we go here, or here.”

Apparently, everytime someone has tried to start another group here, they’ve been shouted down, told that they’re community wreckers, and been sabotaged in a variety of ways. Well, that actually comes after the guilt trip; I had comments, messages and wall posts telling me that the current (and only) public dungeon in Phoenix IS a safe space, is queer friendly, has no problems, and that I should just shut the fuck up (essentially). Then, there where the offers of having my new group meet at and rent space from the current (and only) public dungeon.  Why branch out? Stay here, with this dungeon, in the community. Don’t do your own thing. Don’t create a space. Here, come, drink the kool aid.

Please don’t tell me a space is safe if I don’t feel safe there. If I, who am stubborn and annoying and go out of my way to meet people, feel uncomfortable, judged, and unwelcome, don’t tell me that is invalid. If when I suggest going to a play party, my partner tells me she does not feel comfortable going there, do not tell me that I’m just “making things up” or “haven’t tried.”

Communities thrive when there are lots of branches of the same tree. In this anaology, the tree is kink. If there is only one big branch weighing down the whole tree (said public dungeon), nothing new grows, nothing thrives, and eventually, the tree falls over and dies.  If there are lots of groups, that create new opportunities and spaces (both physical and conceptual), their is constant growth, and the tree continues to grow and thrive over time. New buds come (new members joining the community), old buds bloom, and everything is well and good. I can be a member of and support a community by creating a new place for people who feel they don’t fit in the old one.

Sometimes I meet people who have been to one kink event, and hated it. They don’t want to go back because they don’t identify as D/s, or as part of a leather family, or because they got stared at for having full sleeves, or short hair cuts, or for appearing gender queer.  Instead of just telling these people (myself included) to fuck off and kick them to the curb, why not create a new space in the community, and welcome them with open arms.  While they may not be on the same main branch of the tree, they are at least IN the community, instead of feeling like outsiders.

I know, I’ve set myself up for a lot of crap coming my way. Yes, it’ll be a struggle. But our first coffee/tea meet up is tomorrow, and I have hope.

Why? Because I WANT to be part of this community. I don’t want to feel like I don’t fit in. I want to grow and change and have fun and play and light people on fire and beat them up, and hope is what makes change happen.

Hey all –

Someone was kind enough to nominate me for a Lezzy, which is an award for lesbian authored blogs. I’ve been nominated in the  Sex/Short Story/Erotic blog category.

I didn’t post this before, because I don’t really identify as a lesbian; I identify as queer. However, I get where they are coming from with this, and would love to make it to the top three.

How do I do this? I need more nominations. You can nominate one blog (URL) per category per 24 hour period. All you do is fill out a little form, and then click on the email to confirm (the email part is important, or else it doesn’t count).

If I don’t make it into the top three, that’s fine. My happiness doesn’t rest on this. However, I think it would be awesome if I did a) because it’s awesome, b) because I’m a lot of different things (kinky, queer, disabled, non-mongamous in some counts, femme, Jewish, alternative, fat, etc) and would love to get to rep all of that and c) because it would be nice to have a queer person win and explain WHY I don’t identify as a lesbian.

If you’re up for helping me out, please CLICK HERE to nominate me, or just type in TheLesbianLifesyle.com whenever you get a chance. Remember, you can vote once a day!

Thanks in advance for your support!

-Essin’ Em

As many of you know, I’ve been working for Fascinations as their online media specialist and resident sex educator.

This Thursday, Feb 18th (aka, tomorrow!), I’ll be putting on a free workshop at one of our Scottsdale, AZ stores called “What’s In Your Toy Box.” It’ll be a great sex toy 101 on what toys are designed for, how they can be used, the care, storage and cleaning of sex toys, other ways you can use them, etc.  Should be lots of fun.

For more information, click here for our blog post on the subject. Would love to see you there!

I have a kind of confession. It’s only kind of a confession, because my friends all know this about me.

I LOVE taking care of people.

In college, I’d drive around on many weekend nights (before I started going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show weekly) in my mini van and then Stratus, blaring 80’s music, picking up my drunk friends and driving them back to campus. Then, when I was an RA, I was the person that would make tea for sick residents, give chocolate to homesick/broken hearted residents, tuck in drunk residents with a Nalgene full of water.

I love taking care of friends who are sad, hurting, broken hearted, sick, recovering from surgery, etc.

Weird? Yes. It’s just who I am.  Someone told me it’s because I’m a 2 (enneagram something?), others because I am a caretaker personality, and some because I’m counter-dependent.

So it’s been frustrating to me that in the over 14 months we’ve been together, Q has never been sick. I’ve been sick multiple times, plus pain days, plus surgery recovery. She’s had to take care of me a lot. I never got the chance until know to do it for her. 

I mean sure, I’ve had nights where I’ve cooked of her, brought her everything she needed, given her a back massage, and fucked her silly for hours. Yes, in a way, that IS taking care of her. I’ve also been there for her during gender breakdowns and other cry sessions, but those are few and far between; she’s not one to really show her emotions.

But this past weekend, Q got sick.  It was sad, as we had to cancel plans with friends, and the couples massage I’d scheduled. Plus, she’s not sick very often (we’re talking a cold once every two years), so she was sad and grumpy about being sick.

However, it was so nice. Because it was the weekend, I was home, and I could take care of her. I made her tea regularly (interspersed with Emergen-C, Jamba Juice and Theraflu), I went out to get her lots of foods that she wanted, walked over to get more Nyquil, tucker her in, forced her into hot showers, cleaned up her tissues, rubbed Vicks vapor rub on her chest, scratched her head as she fell asleep, etc.

And I loved it.

Obviously, I don’t WANT her to be sick. I know how much I hate being sick, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However, it’s nice to know that I’ve still got it, that I still have that Jewish mom (without kids) vibe that I enjoy getting to rock out with so much!

-Essin’ Em

Lots of people have been asking me about how my new job at Fascinations as their Resident Sex Educator and Online Media Specialist is going. The answer? Just swimmingly.  As you can see above, they got our sex ed department a full sized vulva puppet, who we’ve named Vivian the Vivacious Vulva. Side note: a reader bought me a mini vulva puppet, who is ADORABLE, and who I’ve named Veronica, for when I do my own sex ed classes.

Anyways, the above picture is at a Let’s Talk Sex open house. We’ve been doing some sex ed classes, with Tristan Taormino and Oh Meghan, and are really looking to expand this spring.  We’ve got a whole list of awesome educators that I can’t tell you about till they’re confirmed, but it’s going to be super cool.

Obviously, I went to Vegas for the AEE and AVNs.  It was awesome. But we’ve already talked about that.  Let’s talk about new things.

We’ve stopped selling anal eaze, shrink creams and numbing balms on our site. You can read about it here.  Taking it out of stores will be a longer process that involves educating the customer, but we’re on that too.

We’ll be working with Sex 2.0 on sponsorship of this awesome event.

We’ll be doing video reviews on our blog.

We’re sending out other items to be reviewed and or given away on other blogs.

We’re consistantly rocking out on our facebook and twitter, including giveaways.

In many of our stores, we now carry Good Releasing titles, and will have them online soon!

Soon, we’ll have an awesome new affiliate program where we’ll have a 30% commission payout! (info coming on that).

We’ve brought some great sex education writers on board as well.

I got to go give an awesome safer sex/general sexuality talk to a dorm on the ASU campus…including tons of free condoms, lube, some dams, and toy giveways.

I also got to go with Q (not pictured obviously) to the Arizona Fetish Ball, as seen below:

Plus, we’re giving members of local kink organizations in AZ and CO 10% off of all in store purchases.

Yeah. While the whole getting up ridiculously early to get to work thing is frustrating (my ideal work schedule; 10am-7pm), I do love this job, and I’m so excited about the change we’re enacting at FunLove.com.

-Essin’ Em