Sexuality Happens

I like Amanda Palmer quite often. I’m still out on how I feel about her Evelyn Evelyn project, which deals with a faux discovered set of coinjoined twins (hence my issue with the project). However, usually, I think she’s pretty rad.

Recently, I discovered this video by AFP (Amanda Fucking Palmer) which is about pubic hair (watch out, it’s very catchy):

Now, the video is awesome, I love the fabulous merkins (vulva wigs), the beat is rocking…but I have some issues with the message. I totally 100% believe that we need to do away with the myths that a shaved vulva is sexier, that natural hair is gross, that shaving/waxing/etc is a cleaner option, and so on. Obviously, these are all bullshit, and just one more way to control women and their bodies.

HOWEVER, I’ve talked about this before and I’ll talk about it again. It is NOT sex positive or feminist in anyway to tell people that what they CHOOSE to do to their body is wrong, or as this song puts it “whack.” Vagina Monologues (which has its other issues as well) has a piece called Hair, in which it says “You cannot love the Vagina unless you love hair.” First of all, this is anatomically incorrect, as the vulva is where there is hair, not the vagina…and secondly, it tells those people that like the feel of having less/styled/different/no public hair that they clearly don’t love their vulva/vaginas or those of a partner.

I have done almost everything that there is to do with pubic hair (except dying it). I have cut it, styled it, shaved it, waxed it (never again — way too fucking expensive), etc. It is certainly NOT for any male gaze. And I identify as a sex positive woman and with parts of the femininist movement. Does this mean that I don’t love my vulva? That I’m wack? NO. I like the sensations of toys and tongues both with and without hair, and enjoy the differences that hair does and doesn’t provide. Some months I grow it out, other months I chop it off. My public hair and how I style it does not define me as a person, or whether or not a love female assigned genitala. The end.

I don’t know what the answer is. How do we reclaim the sexiness of having hair as an option without stepping on shavers/waxers/etc? It’s the same as how can we run the fat positive movement without saying horrible things about skinny people? (some people are naturally a size two, and yet often times the FP movement talks about them as if they are bulimic or anorexic when they are not, or calls them skinny bitches, etc). To be truly sex positive, or the type of feminist I identify as involves elevating global thinking WITHOUT HURTING others. When we step on people, say hurtful things, call them names, etc, solely in order to futher our own thoughts about things, we set all of us back.

So yes, I will probably continue to sing this song under my breathe, and I will DEFINITELY be using Map of Tasmania in the future. But Amanda Fucking Palmer, Eve Ensler, and the rest of you? Please stop judging people for choices that they make. Pubic hair is NOT gross…but not having it doesn’t make you a bad person, a failure as a woman, or even whack.

-Essin’ Em

Essin' Em at the AVNs

Check me out at the AVN awards, wearing a sassy blue dress (my first ever One-Strap Dress), and the awesome 3-D glasses for the 3-D segment of the awards. Yep, I’m that cool.

Like last year, lots of queer and sex positive movies were nominated for the awards, including CrashPadSeries.com for best alternative website, Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven for Pro-Am, Dangerous Curves for best niche movie (starring April Flores, directed by Carlos Batts), Good Releasing for best company, Jamye Waxman’s Sex Positions for Couples, etc. None of them won, sadly (although Good Vibrations and Babeland did win the two categories that Fascinations was nominated for…if we had to lose, what great companies to lose to!). JeJoue won both best small toy company and best toy for women with the JeJoue G-Ki.

Also, I got an Njoy Eleven. Get ready for my entire life to change. Well, I mean, at least the sexual part and art collector part of it. I also now have a La Palma harness from Spareparts to try, which I am super excited about, and a sample of one of Buck Angel’s new AWESOME glass toys! I can’t wait for his whole line to come out.

Smitten Kitten threw a fabulous party on Thursday night, and I am incredibly grateful to them. In this field, it can be extremely hard to be a sex positive person, particularly since many of us are the only people in the industry in our area. We are often alone in Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Wisconsin, LA, or wherever it is we happen to be. Outside of San Francisco and New York, there are not many groupings of sex educators, sex positive toy store owners, etc. However, attending this party was like coming home, meeting all sorts of other awesome people in the field, sharing triumphs and tribulations, asking questions that related to our own ethical views of certain toy lines, talking about the latest this, and the most interesting that. My hat goes off to Smitten Kitten for organizing such a great event (and with such delicious vegetarian and organic food/drink options to boot!) and helping to connect sex positive people in the adult/sex industry in a way that rarely has happened before. Plus, their crew is awesome.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling the mainstream world and the sex positive world, and I don’t quite fit either. Where I work is sex positive, but we also have 16 stores and a website, so we do things very differently than a small company with just one or two stores. On my own, I am as sex positive as I can possibly be, but when I’m seen as part of Fascinations, I feel like I’m sometimes shunned from the sex positive community for having chosen to work with a more mainstream company, and that the literally dozens of free classes we offer, sex educators we employe, products we choose to carry (and not carry) don’t even matter, because it’s not my own store, or a well know store in the sex positive world. It’s tough. I felt that same way working for HotMoviesForHer, because at the time, few people were ok with the fact that many women DO like porn, and like more than just super touchy feely couples porn at that. I’m always feeling a little like a black sheep…but at least black is my favorite color, and I think sheep are cute. I do look forward to moving back to Colorado for many reasons, and one is being closer to other sex positive people in the adult industry, and the folks at the Denver SK are awesome.

That’s it for now…I’ll try to get back to posting more regularly from now on.

-Essin’ Em

I’m not particularly big on New Year’s Resolutions, given the likelihood that they’ll be broken some way, some how, in the very near future. I mean, really, how many people ‘fulfill’ their resolutions?

Q has decided to eat predominantly vegetarian/pescitarian. Which is awesome. Our house is pretty much vegetarian anyways (aside from the occasionaly sliced turkey for Q’s sandwiches), but this means it will be 100% veggie, and that we’re going to both be vegetarian, at least for a bit while Q tries this out. As someone who has been vegetarian for 19 years, it’ll be nice having a mostly veg partner. I’ve never ever been the preachy type — I’ve only ever dated one other vegetarian. I don’t judge, and I don’t tell people what they shouldn’t eat (especially as long as they don’t tell me what I SHOULD eat), but it’s nice having someone on the same page as me.

I’m thinking that next week, when I get back from the AEE/ANE/AVNs in Vegas, I’m going to try a raw diet for a week while Q is off teaching at a social justice leadership program. My old migraine meds (which I’ve finally titrated off of) helped me to gain 30+ pounds over the past year. Now that I’m off of them, I’m hoping a week of raw food might jumpstart my body into starting to lose some of those…and if not, at least it’s a very healthyl, vitamin filled week. Plus, we just bought a living social deal for 20 sessions of Hot Yoga each. I’m a little nervous, as I’ve dislocated my knees doing yoga before, but there are so few types of exercise I can do without massive pain that I’m figuring anything is worth a try right now.

My goals (NOT resolutions) for 2011:

*Book more lectures/workshops/classes at Colleges/Universities and Kink specific events (if you’re interested in having me, check out ShannaKatz.com for more info!)

*Finish at least one of the 4 books I’m currently working on and get it ready for publication

*Get more sex coaching/relationship counseling clients, both face to face and via skype.

*Move back to Colorado with Q and our kitties

*Help my mother get her house packed and ready for sale in 2012

*Have a fabulous queer celebration of love/wedding to the love of my life in October without going into any debt

*Make enough money to finally pay off medical 2008 and 2009 medical bills, so I can finally work towards paying my student loans

*Get an Njoy Eleven. No, seriously. It’s a goal. And heck, I really want a Spareparts La Palma harness too.

*Once back in CO, join a gym with both recumbant bikes and a pool so I can work on getting more cardio in. If I lose a little weight to where I was, I know my knees will feel better.

They are goals of sorts, but much more year-long and less number specific. I find that when I set goals like “lose 10 lbs by _____” or “make _____ money” or “get in touch with ________ friends,” I am less likely to follow through than when they are life changes.

Best of luck to everyone in the new year!

Essin’ Em

Date: January 28th 7pm-ish to January 29th 10am-ish

Location: The RACK Room in Denver

First and foremost: This is a “girls”-only event, and since the ladies of the RACK room believe strongly in gender inclusion, “girls-only” is not limited to girls born with a vagina. Transfolk, gender queer people, and anyone else who identifies in the realm of girl or grrl or woman or womin or womyn will be welcome. All orientations welcome!

Cost: $10 (to cover space rental)

This is going to be a super fun, inclusive night of both kinky and vanilla fun, from games to play time, gift exchanges to lots of munchies. 18+ ONLY, as both kinky and sexual play will be allowed. That being said, lets have a great night of kinky, naughty fun girls!

Everyone that is coming should bring:
A DISH: This is a potluck! bring deserts, a drink, anything sleepover-y! Liquor will be allowed, but if you are going to drink, please do not play, or wait until after you play to drink. This event is open to those under 21, but they are NOT allowed to drink. Sorry gals, that’s the way it has to be!

A sleeping bag or blankets

A GIFT: We will be playing fairy godmother! Bring a small gift (or gift bag) of LESS than $20. Please do not have any particular person in mind as we will probably be white-elephanting gifts!

A movie or music if you are so inclined. This does NOT mean Sex and the City

Your imagination! We will be playing a plethora of games both kinky and vanilla. If you have ideas for games, bring those!

Your toy bag. If you would like to play, then bring toys to do so!

A stuffed animal and some rope (if you have it). There will be a competition during the night (for bear bondage/stuffy shibari)!

A change of clothes — this party ends at 10am Saturday morning! Make sure to bring something to change into, a maybe a towel or two for those of us that enjoy communal showers with the kinky girls in our lives ;)

If interested and needing directions to the RACK room, please contact Shanna or Mistress Saskia via FB or shannakatz @ gmail dot com or DaSozz at aol dot com.

Q and I have been watching a lot of both “16 and Pregnant” as well as “Teen Mom” on MTV. It began at her mother’s house with “we want to watch something and it’s late…what’s on?” but has morphed into “if we were this couples social workers, what advice would we give? How could this person make better choices? How could their family and friends be more supportive? And so on. Especially given that now some episodes have featured the teens using adoption and abortion as options, in addition to parenting.

The other day, when we were driving home from our trip, I was tired, and said something in conversation about how I hoped we never accidentally got pregnant, because I’d be nauseous all the time, and in a lot of pain. Q looked at me like I was nuts, and it took me a second to realize why; it wasn’t that I wouldn’t accidentally get pregnant because I’m a sex educator and was lucky enough to get lots of info on safer sex…no, it was because Q doesn’t have sperm that could accidentally impregnate me.

I realized how lucky I am. While STIs are always a risk, and so Q and I get tested every year, and practiced barrier sex until we chose to be fluid bound, I never have to worry about pregnancy. I’m on hormonal birth control to keep my periods in check, but it isn’t at all for sexual or prevention reasons. We never have to worry about condom expiration dates, or whether I’m on antibiotics.

There are a lot of fights to fight being queer, and a lot of struggles and battles. About rights, about being recognized and validate, about family and friends and careers. About language. About gender. About this and that. But one struggle we’re lucky enough not to have is having to worry about the possibly of an accidental pregnancy, and making the choice between abortion, adoption and parenting.

We have talked about kids a lot, and another lucky for me, we’re on the same page. Neither of us wants kids. We could see perhaps fostering in 20+ years, but we have high maintenance cats and both work jobs with crazy hours and not outstanding pay. We don’t have the time, money or energy for kids, and nor do either of us feel the need to populate the planet anymore…and both of us are VERY against carrying a child, so it would be adoption, regardless. I feel lucky that this will always be our decision, that I will never have to worry about having to make that choice, nor will I have to worry about my fertility, looking into IVF, etc. Every cat shelter is always full of perfect kitties waiting for adoption, and right now, we have the best three in the whole world. My family is complete, for now, and I’m so happy and lucky that I’m able to say that.

And so it begins. I think it was Sophia St. James that started this blog/tumblr thing, but voila:

The Femmes Holding Animals Tumblr

Contribute! Make it awesome! We, as fierce and FABulous Femmes need to represent. All animals are welcome.

I’ve looked high and low and since I’m usually taking the pictures, there aren’t many of me actually WITH the kitties, but I’ve talked to Q, and we’re going to remedy that…because honestly, who doesn’t love hot femmes holding cute animals? Just saying…

-Essin’ Em

Tomorrow, December 17th, is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, and I think it is important that as many people as possible know about it, participate, and pass it on. Much of this is taken from the Sex Worker Outreach Project. Let me remind you that sex workers are people. They are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, offspring. They are friends, lovers, scared, excited, in love, loving, caring, hurting, sharing, and much more. I have been a sex worker, and often consider myself one as I work as a sex coach and a sex educator, teaching hands on workshops, and making my living by helping to improve others sex lives. Sex workers are people, like you, and her, and him. You probably know at least one sex worker, whether or not they are out to you. They are escorts and porn stars and phone sex operators and pro-dommes and street workers and sex surrogates and more. And sadly, sex workers have an incredibly high incidence of violence against them. Today, we need to think about what is it we can do to protect these members of OUR communities. Please, stand up and do your part.

-Essin’ Em

Read Stopping the Terror: A Day to End Violence Against Prostitutes by Annie Sprinkle from On The Issues Magazine.

December 17th is International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. This event was created to call attention to hate crimes committed against sex workers all over the globe. Originally thought of by Dr. Annie Sprinkle and started by the Sex Workers Outreach Project USA as a memorial and vigil for the victims of the Green River Killer in Seattle Washington. International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers has empowered workers from over cities around the world to come together and organize against discrimination and remember victims of violence. During the week of December 17th, sex worker rights organizations will be staging actions and vigils to raise awareness about violence that is commonly committed against sex workers. The assault, battery, rape and murder of sex workers must end. Existing laws prevent sex workers from reporting violence. The stigma and discrimination that is perpetuated by the prohibitionist laws has made violence against us acceptable. Please join with sex workers around the world and stand against criminalization and violence committed against prostitutes.

TEN WAYS TO PARTICIPATE IN INTERNATIONAL DAY TO END VIOLENCE AGAINST SEX WORKERS

(EVERYONE IS INVITED)

1. Organize a vigil/memorial/gathering in your town. Simply choose a place and time. Invite people to bring their stories, writings, thoughts, related news items, poems, lists of victims, performances, and memories. Take turns sharing.
2. Organize or attend a candlelight vigil in a public place.
3. Do something at home alone which has personal meaning, such as a memorial bath, or light a candle.
4. Call a friend and discuss the topic.
5. Send a donation to a group that helps sex workers stay safer. Some teach self-defense or host web sites that caution workers about bad Johns. Donate to Sex Worker Outreach Project.
6. Read the Sex Workers Outreach Project’s web site, www.swop-usa.org, Do let others know about any planned Dec. 17 events by listing them on the site. (Although sadly this site is not current and I’m not sure if someone is following through on this.) There is also a wikipedia entry about Dec. 17 which you can read.
7. Spread the word about the Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers and the issues it raises; blog, email, send a press release, forward this text to others.
8. Attend a Dec. 17th Day to End Violence event/action/memorial. Everyone is welcome.
9. Organize a panel discussion about violence towards sex workers. Procure a community space and invite speakers like sex workers, police, and families of victims.
10. Create your own way to participate. People have done celebrations, Xmas caroling, protests at jails, lobbying at City Halls, naked women reading whore writings, performance art, visual art projects, and other creative, fun and moving things.

I know 25 isn’t supposed to be a big deal…but I’m sorry, turning a quarter of a century seems like a bigger deal to me than some arbitrary drinking age, or hitting the thirties. I mean, it sounds pretty epic, just saying. Plus! I can finally rent a car without having to pay the extra under age driver fee, and hopefully my insurance will go down next time around. Seems like a pretty good year to me.

I’m off to New York tonight, so I’ll be a busy be all weekend. Thanks in advance for any birthday wishes you may have…and if you happen to be feining to buy me something…for my birthday or channukah or just because, here are some wishlists:
My Amazon Wishlist

My JT’s Stockroom Wishlist

My Extreme Restraints Wishlist

However, just having you be loyal readers and wonderful people in the world is a huge gift to me, and I thank you for it.

Happy Birthday to me!

-Essin’ Em

Hey everyone!

Many people have ask me for suggestions for great ideas/suggestions for sexy gifts to friends, family and loved ones this holiday season. Here are some of my favorites that I recommend to you.

I’ve really gotten into sensual massage with soy wax massage candles. I particularly LOVE the Jimmy Jane Afterglow massage candles or Afterglow Sampler Set. Babeland also offer the candle together with the stone massager as a perfect massage kit:

Then of course, there is my all time favorite bedroom accessory, the Fascinator Throe by Liberator. This is a beautiful blanket (lots of color and pattern option) that is soft on one side, smooth on the other…and has a waterproof layer in the middle. What does this mean? Ejaculation, lube, food, sweat, wax, etc doesn’t make it through to your sheets/carpet/couch/wherever you have sex. And then it’s washable and tumble try. FREAKING BRILLIANT! I also love my Liberator Scoop as far as sex furniture goes.

Let’s talk vibrators. I love the Hitachi Magic Wand for people who like power, the Fun Factory Layaspot for first time vibrator users and/or people who want to share, the Lelo Gigi and the JeJoue G-Ki for perfect G-spot stimulation, the Lelo Ina for a rabbit style toy, and the Lelo Siri for a rechargeable clitoral vibe.

For dildos, I think the Tantus Vamp is still pretty popular, what with Twilight coming out. Anything by Vixen Creations is great, but I know that the HUGE Outlaw will be respected by some while other prefer the pretty sparkles of the Champlette. I know that the Njoy Eleven is sure on my holiday wish list! Anyone want to get it for me? And don’t forget to add in a super comfy harness like the Spareparts Joque to help your gift-ee strap it on!

Looking for someone who is in to anal? A Crystal Delights Plug to help them bling their bottom will be appreciated, as would any of the very many Njoy line of butt toys (Fun wand is great for anal AND g-spot). Just starting out? Try the Fun Factory Flexi Felix beads or the Ryder butt plug by Tantus.

For the penis possesser on your list, the Fleshlight is a must have for every penis. Does your lover/friend like prostate stimulation? Aneros prostate stimulator is a GREAT toy for the backdoor.. Don’t forget fabulous cock rings like those by Lelo Tor and the C-Ring from Tantus!

Don’t forget to add lube to all toy gifts! Water based lube is compatible with everything; I recommend Sliquid Organics or Pink Water for everything, but Maximus is PERFECT for anal, fisting, jacking off and more. If you’re not playing with toys, get your lover/friend/family member some silicone lube; Pjur Bodyglide and Gun Oil are the best! As far as stimulation gels, Sliquid’s Stimulation O Gel is my favorite!

Gifting to someone on the kinkier side? Try a nice set of restraints, a flogger color coordinated to their other toys, or maybe a sassy paddle to get them going. Stockroom is the place to go for all your kinky gift needs!

Have a nerdy type on your list? How about Ceiling Cat boyshorts, or even “I Can Haz Buttsecks” panties?

Want to help someone help themselves? I’d suggest a book or DVD.

Opening Up is wonderful for people looking at consensual non-monogamy.

The Guide to Getting It On is the end all, be all, general overview of all types of sexuality book.

I <3 Female Orgasm is a great gift for college age women looking to explore a bit of female orgasm.

Rope books like Midori’s Guide to Japanese Rope Bondage or Two Knotty Boys Show You The Ropes are fabulous as well.

Looking for porn? Try anything from Reel Queer Productions, or Heartcore Productions. Want something for someone who spends lots of time online? How about a membership to the Crash Pad Series or Good Dyke Porn? As far as educational stuff goes, Tristan Taormino makes a bunch of awesome sex ed guides that have info AND hot sex scenes!

Hope this has helped! Sexy and sensual gifts are almost always welcome, so it’s hard to go wrong, especially when you shop the retailers I’ve linked to. I’m also happy to recommend based on individual circumstances. Just email me at essinem at gmail dot com!

-Essin’ Em

Lots of people are participating in the Holiday Wishlist activity. Please take a moment to check out these lists, and see if YOU can grant someone’s holiday wish or wishes. At the very least, it’s fun to see what people want…and at the most, you can really make someone’s holiday season with something you have just lying around.

My list is here: http://essin-em.com/2010/11/holiday-givinggetting-wishlist-2010/

True Pleasures’ List is Here: http://truepleasures.blogspot.com/2010/11/holiday-givinggetting-wishlist-2010.html

Dangerous Lilly’s List is Here: http://dangerouslilly.com/2010/11/holiday-blogger-givinggetting-wishlist/

Dusk in Chains’ List is Here: http://duskinchains.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/holiday-wishlist-2010

Mistress Kay’s List is Here: http://kinky-world.net/?p=4024

Julietta’s List is Here: http://juliettia.wordpress.com/2010/11/21/holiday-wishlist/

Screaming Violet’s List is Here: http://www.screaming-violet.com/2010/11/gift-giving-holiday-wishlists/

The Blogging Slave’s List is Here: http://thebloggingslave.com/?p=2200

Lucid Obsession’s List is Here: http://lucidobsession.wordpress.com/2010/11/23/holiday-blogger-wishlist/

Do you have a wishlist? Comment with the link and I’ll put it up here! Everyone can use a little extra sharing/extra love during this time of year.

-Essin’ Em