Sexuality Happens

For those of you who don’t know, or who are new here, I am a survivor of sexual violence. And sexual assault. And sexual harassment. I’ve met very few people who are not survivors of something surrounding this. Every April, I republish my story, and parts of my recovery, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness month. I encourage people to donate whatever money or time that they have to give to RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network), or whatever local sexual violence prevention and survivor assistance organization(s) they care about or can find.

Here is another way. Instead of sharing your story (although I highly encourage people to do that), you can share your feelings of hope, of light, of survival with other survivors and victims of sexual violence.

Thanks to Holly for bringing my attention to this.

As a side note, this is for women and transfolk, but please remember that people of all genders are survivors of sexual assault.

-Essin’ Em

Call For Submission

Dear Sister, edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers, is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies. It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.

The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation and doubt. In the weeks, months and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.

It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar. Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden. You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery. Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.

Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget. And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?

Information

Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay and drawn art that can either be scanned for entry. Maximum word count is 1,000. Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.

Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence. Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Submissions can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Hand written letters can be address and mailed to:
Dear Sister Anthology
P.O. Box 202468
Cleveland, OH 44120

Note from the Editor

Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites and agencies that come to mind

Have you heard yet?

I’d like to let you know a little about Momentum Conference 2011 — a conference discussing sexuality, feminism, new media and much more. Created by Tied Up Events and the community at large, and sponsored by Fascinations, it’s taking place in Washington, DC, April 1-3 2011 and should be absolutely amazing!

Interested? Read below and check out MomentumCon.com for more information, to apply to present, and much more! I’ve already submitted my application, and I know others have too; it’s going to be an AMAZING conference!

-Essin’ Em

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

During MOMENTUM we will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality. While on one hand we have unprecedented sexual freedom, on the other we continue to police sexuality with a frightening vigor. Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

Each participant will leave the conference with new perspectives, new connections, and a plan to carry the MOMENTUM forward into 2011 and beyond.

First, we have Drew Devereaux and Buck Angel talking about important health care exams for people who identify as trans.

And this one is 100% Buck Angel and his awesome-sauce-ness about trans guys, and their health care.

Thank you to both of these fabulous performers for bringing attention to such an important sexuality issue. Way to go you two – thanks so much for talking about trans men with cervixes, and trans women with prostates, and all sorts of other differences that might keep people out of the doctor’s offices, when they really need check ups just as much as anyone else.

If you have good suggestions for resource lists for doctors who are LGB and especially T and Q friendly, please feel free to share!

-Essin’ Em

So here’s the deal folks.

Buy one day, send me a copy of your confirmation at EssinEm at Gmail Dot Com, and you get a little erotica poem from me to you (custom).

Buy three days,  send me a copy of your confirmation (see above), get a custom sexy picture (tell me your favorite body part/colors/etc).

Buy five days, send me a copy of your confirmation (see above), get 2 pictures and a custom piece of erotica written about you.

Buy anymore than that, and I’ll give you all the above, PLUS send you a “prize!” Perhaps lube, perhaps edible body paint, perhaps kegel balls, perhaps a toy…depends on how many days you buy.

To get all of these (or any), just head on over to the Sex Blogger Calendar page and purchase your day(s) — don’t forget, you can buy me days as presents too (I’d love love love that!). Then email me at EssinEm at Gmail dot com with a copy of your confirmation of purchase, and a little bit about you so I know what to write/take pictures of (if you bought more than 5 days, I need your address too!).

Proceedes go to the Woodhull Foundation to support sexual freedom — how can you argue with that?

That’s all – go forth!

-Essin’ Em

***Cross Posted on ShannaKatz.com***

Thanks to Q, I had the opportunity last Wednesday night to go check out the new movie with Annette Benning, Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo, entitled The Kids Are Alright.

Now, the basic plot, as advertised, is that there is a lesbian couple, who have an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. The son convinces the daughter to get in contact with the sperm donor that provided said sperm to create the kids (each mom carried a child). They meet him, and now the family dynamic changes, and the movie ensues.

Voila. It’s supposed to be cool and trendy and did super well at Sundance. I had some hopes for this movie, in that it was showing an LGBTQ family as a REAL family, not as hot and sexy lesbians, or those with issues coming out, or any of the other many ways lesbians have been portayed. They have kids, they have a dining room table, and a house, and conversations and the same issues that every other type of family has with communication, and teenagers, and so on…

And now, for the spoilers. If you don’t want to hear about the actual movie, stop reading now.

Ok, so basically, you have fairly happy family. Some issues, like all families, but there are two teenagers, and two moms, and everyone seems to communicate fairly well and get along, although the moms definitely could have used a couples counselor to help them work through a feel control/free-flowing hippy issues.

Then suddenly, the sperm donor (Paul) is brought into their lives. Jules (Moore) is a more woo-woo, free flowing femme-ish type, and is open to him. Nic (Benning) is a bit more andro/butchy, and seems to be nervous (understandably) about letting this guy into their kids’ lives. Long story short, Nic starts doing Paul’s (Ruffalo) landscaping and BAM. They kiss. And if that wasn’t enough, they start having sex, and the noises she makes with him are waaaay different and seemingly “better” or “more satisfying” (according to the movie) than the sex she has with Nic.  She tells him she’s married, she’s gay, she loves Nic, but then, more sex between Paul and Jules.  Jules keeps it a secret from Nic until they have a family dinner at Paul’s place (Nic is willing and trying to get to know him better), and Nic goes to the bathroom and finds Jules hairbrush…and hair in the drain (like at their home), and then in his bed. The movie ends with them removing Paul from their lives and getting back together and talking about how marriage is tough, but they love each other and will work through it.

My beef? It’s two fold. First of all, this movie perpetuated lesbian stereotype right and left, from the drinking massive amounts of wine to the butch/femme to the station wagon of sorts to the watching gay-male porn, to the being woo-woo and wanting hugs in unison (you’ll have to see it to get it). It made a big deal out of Jules not shaving her legs (gasp!). And worst of all, it perpetuated the stereotype that lesbian relationships don’t work out not because of family/relationship/communication/wants and needs issues, but because truly, all every woman, lesbian or not, wants is OBVIOUSLY a man. Every woman must have a penis in order to feel fulfilled. It also perpetuates the idea that lesbian (or gay or queer) relationships are not as “real” as straight marriage; Paul seems to glaze over the fact that Jules is married to Nic, and even suggests that he and Jules start a life and family together at one point, as if her 18+ year marriage to Nic was completely invalid. Way to give the anti-gay movement fuel for their fire about how dysfunctional lesbian families are.

Issue two? The fact that I feel that this movie is going to stir up even MORE biphobia in the queer community. For some reason, we as a community tend to exclude bi folks as being queer, as if them having a relationship with a cis-man (bi women) or cis-woman (men) makes them “less” queer. Now, while Jules never openly identified as bi, her sexuality was clearly a bit more fluid that just “lesbian/gay,” as she openly enjoyed sex with Paul. So basically, we have a queer or bi acting woman on screen, cheating on her lesbian wife with a man. Which seems to be the issue that is ALWAYS brought up when biphobia rears its ugly head; don’t date bi-women, because they’ll leave you for a man.

Now, I know that this generalizing statement is bullshit. As if dating a lesbian-identified woman will somehow protect you from cheating/being cheated on. Infidelity hits ALL types of relationships, regardless of the gender or orientation of the partners. Period. However, movies like this seem to reinforce this misnomer, that bi-women of any sort will always end up going for a man. NOT FUCKING TRUE.

So in the end, I AM glad that their is a movie bringing lesbian visibility to the big screen, as I think this movie will be a hit. I did like that it was a lesbian family, with gender presentation diversity in the two women. However, I have a LOT of reservations about how the content of this movie will be used against the LGBTQ community by those who are against it, as well as the issues surrounding bisexuality that this movie may serve to worsen.

And those, dear readers, are my thoughts on the upcoming movie The Kids Are Alright, to be released July 16th at an Indie theatre near you.

-Essin’ Em

Photo by Michael Barone

Happy 4th of July. Happy “Independence Day.”

Enjoy your BBQs, your cold beers.

Remember for a moment all of our friends and family serving our country, fighting to uphold wars that should never have happened, and to help create independence for those who do not yet have it.

Remember for a moment those in this country who are not independent, whose freedom and rights are not equal.

Those who can not marry. Those who cannot adopt. Those who cannot visit their loved ones in the hospital. Those who do not have insurance. Those who live in tent cities. Those who don’t know when their next meal is.

I am not saying don’t celebrate. I’m not saying to not be patriotic.

But please think. Think about what you ARE celebrating. Think about our country’s bloody history. Think about who and what we’re fighting for, and what we aren’t fighting for.

Be careful. Please choose not to drink and drive (or drink and boat). If you’re lighting fireworks, don’t blow yourself up (and if you live in a place where they’re illegal, please don’t light them and cause fires, kthnxby).

Celebrate.

But also pause and think about what this celebration means.

Happy Fourth of July!

-Essin’ Em

As a side note, every thing at Fascinations and FunLove.com is 25% off today; toys, lubes, books, DVDs, massage oils, condoms, etc.  Just saying…

Fascinations 4th of July Sale

Passionate Bonds: Creating EmPowered D/s Relationships

Do you want to make your D/s relationship the best it can be for you and your partners?

http://www.fhp-inc.com/passionatebonds.html

Instructed by Midori & Laura Antoniou
Join Marketplace series author Laura Antoniou and educator Midori for a special weekend intensive designed for people who enjoy authentic power dynamics and D/s, who want to consciously create quality relationships that suit their personal hungers & needs in the context of the real world

Event Dates: July 30th through August 1, 2010.
Location: Private Location, Downtown Toronto
Registration now open!
Cost: $450 first person in the order, $400 for each additional individual.
Class size will be strictly limited to allow for a unique quality experience emphasizing individualized attention. Through the unique curriculum and its innovative tools, each individual or relationship unit will create their own customized manual of effective protocol, rules, etiquette and codes of conduct.

Tired of searching for the ultimate guide to your D/s or SM relationship? Do you want to make your BDSM relationship the best it can be for you and your partners?

Join Marketplace series author Laura Antoniou and internationally acclaimed educator Midori for a special weekend intensive designed for real people who enjoy power dynamics and want bring a level of authenticity and quality to their relationships.

Students will learn about the many styles of relationships we enjoy, and, through guided lessons and exercises, will discover their own unique relationship needs and systems. The instructors work closely with each student to help them learn and explore, and there is plenty of time throughout the weekend for personal reflection as well as pure fun!

There are no requirements for experience or expertise; anyone who desires or engages in relationships in which dominance and submission or the expression of power exchange is welcome. Full engagement and participation in the workshop is required; communication and a willingness to fully explore the work is of vital importance. This weekend is excellent for those already involved in such relationships or households of 2 or more people; it’s also ideal for the individual who wishes to gain a clearer concept of their own needs and desires on a solo basis.

As some (many) of you know, I’m a model for the 2011 Sex Blogger Calendar, scheduled to be released October 1st (in NYC — I’ll be there, so will all the models like Jiz Lee, Mollena and Nina Hartley!).

Right now, there are 180 (probably less by the time you read this) days for sale on the calendar. How does it work? Basically, it’s $25 for a day, 5 days for $100. You get to put 80 characters of whatever you’d like on that day.  Wish someone a happy birthday. Celebrate a blogiversary. Rock out with your cock out. Promote your company. Whatever it is you’d like to do.  All proceeds go to the Woodhull Foundation for Sexual Freedom. Also, if you pre-order now, it’s $40 for both a calendar AND a day, so you save $5!

Click here to order your days.

-Essin’ Em

Want to get me a day as present that gives towards sexual freedom?  Here are some ideas:

October 18th: My 5th year blogiversary

December 17th: Me and Q’s anniversary

October 9th: The day Q and I are planning to get married

June 9th: My half birthday! (which I totally celebrate)

May 2011: Us moving back to Colorado!

January 21st: The first time Q and I had sex

October 2nd: Day I got Kinsey

January 23rd: Day I got Kali

Nov 1st: Day Q and I moved in together

Sexuality and Disability Educational Series

For all Disabilities and Sexual Orientations
June 30 – September 22
Wednesdays, 6:30 – 8:30PM
Center for Independent Living, Berkeley, CA
Suggested Donation: $25 per class
Sexuality and intimate loving relationships are a fundamental part of everyone’s life.  This 12-week series is designed for individuals who are living with a disability as well as his or her friends, families, partners and attendants.

You will gain ways to improve:

•      Self-Esteem and Body Image                               
•      Healthy Relationships
•      Delicacies of Kissing and Touch
•      Chronic Pain and Sexuality
•      Sexual Health
•      Practical Tips and Tools for Enhanced Sexuality
•      Solo Sex & Partnered Sex

Our philosophy:
•      Participants will have a chance to experience the support of peers and have an increased sense of community
•      Attendees can experience a sense of empowerment, hopefulness, improved self-esteem and self-confidence
•      Learn new skills and resources to expand knowledge regarding one’s sexuality, sexual health and intimate relationships in a nonjudgmental environment
•      Workshop goals to be achieved through presentation of topics, facilitated sharing and experiential exercises

Limited Space Available.  To reserve your place please email Dr. Biggs at rebiggs@mac.com

For more information go to www.somaevolution.org

Hey all -

As you may know, Rori over at Between My Sheets always puts together (with help from independent judges) a list of the top 100 sex bloggers every year. I was #11 in 2008 and and #25 in 2009. I would love your support to continue to be on this top sex bloggers list.

If you read my blogger (long time reader, or relative newbie), I’d love it if you’d head over and nominate me. All you have to do is comment on this post, and make sure you use the correct URL (Essin-Em.com) You can nominate multiple bloggers as well. Need new blogs to read? Check out previous lists, or read my blogroll.

Please don’t feel obligated, but if you like what I have to say, I’d love your support in this. The rules regarding who you can nominate are below. And so off we go!

-Essin’ Em

Rules are:

To nominate bloggers for this list, just leave a comment on this post. You can also email me at rori@betweenmysheets.com or DM @SweetRori if you want to keep you nominations private. The rules are pretty simple:

1. No nominating yourself. Feel free to post about nominations on your blog to encourage readers to nominate you.

2. Each nomination should include the blog url. I don’t know everyone, and some bloggers have the same names.

3. No porn aggregation sites. Legit blogs only!

4. Blog content can be anything sex related -pictures/videos, erotica, sex ed/advice, opinion, poetry, personal journal. As long as the content is related to sexuality at least half of the time, it’s eligible. Nothing illegal, obviously. Straight, gay, bi, poly, D/s, vanilla, feminist, trans…everyone is welcome here!

5. The blog can’t be protected. It’s ok if a few of the posts are protected, but the entire blog can’t be behind a password that you have to request to read.

6.  The blog should be at least a year old, but anyone who’s been blogging since at least Jan. 1, 2010 will be considered. Special exceptions will be made for someone who has recently moved to a new blog, but was previously blogging somewhere else.

7. You can nominate as many bloggers as you like, but please try to limit to your very favorites.

8. The blog must be active, which means that the blogger posts at least once every week or so. When we judge in August, any blog with no posts during July or fewer than five posts since June 1 will be eliminated.

9. You can nominate bloggers who were on the list last year.

NEW FOR THIS YEAR: After listening to your comments, I’ve decided to go ahead and retire any blogger named in the top ten three years in a row. This will allow fresh faces to get on the list, keeping alive the spirit of the list’s original purpose – to help bloggers/readers connect and get to know one another. Every year, I’ll also list retires, so they’ll still be a part of the list as long as their blogs are active!

Nominations close on July 31. I recommend nominating your favorites right now so you don’t forget. You an also come back and leave an additional comment with more nominations if you think of someone else who deserves to be on the list.

If your comment doesn’t show up right away, please be patient. I have to moderate comments if you’ve never commented here before, and some comments need to be weeded out of the spam folder. Feel free to email me if you don’t see your comment posted within a week.