Happy National Coming Out Day to One and All!

Today (October 11th) is National Coming Out Day. I encourage all of you to come out. As whatever you are (straight and cisgender people can come out as well, obviously).

I’d like to come out as:

*Queer

*Kinky

*A Femme

*A Dyke

*A Female

*A Cisgender Woman

*A Nerd

*Disabled

*Awkward

*Young

*Jewish

*Eastern European

*Agnostic

*OCD

*Silly

*Non-monogamous

*In love

And oh so much more (read my about me page).

Please feel free to use this space to come out as anything and everything that you are!

Don’t forget; closets are for clothes, NOT for people! (Q would like to add that labels are for jars. However, if you’re labeling yourself and that helps you figure things out, I’m all for it. Just don’t place your labels on other people. Their jars are ok though).

-Essin’ Em

I’ve decided to write a series of articles, both for here and for Good Vibrations. It’s going to be called Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Got in School. It’s going to be informative, interesting and amusing, and it’s going to cover things that I (and hopefully you) deem important things about sex/sexuality/etc that you never got in your middle school/high school/college sexuality education classes. I already know some topics I’m planning on writing about, but I’d love to hear from you, from your friends, your partners, your kids, etc, about subjects that warrant discussion.

Here are some ideas I’m already planning on writing about:

*Lube; different types, when to use it, ingredient allergies, social perceptions

*Safer sex; how can we make barriers less icky and more sexy, since no one REALLY loves a condom/dam

*Period sex; pros/cons, how to do it safely, talking about it, etc

*How to talk with your partner about relationships styles (mono, poly, partner but playing, etc)

*How to come out as kinky

*First timers; how to deal with fears, concerns, etc, and figure out the right time

*Toys; introducing them, figuring out what works for you without blowing the budget

*Post sex activities; clean up, peeing (no UTIs), etc

*When you DO have an STI: people DO get them — how do you tell current, future and/or past partners

*Casual sex; how to have it while making it as safe and fun as possible

*Role playing: Types, discussions, etc

*Sex with/as a survivor; how to provide/ask for support, resources, etc

Any other ideas?  I’d love to hear them, and hopefully write about them.  Please comment here, unless you’d like to be more anonymous and send me an email at essinem at GMAIL dot com.  Either way, please, let me know topics you wish you’d learned in sex ed in your school(s), or from your parents, etc. If you can re-post, re-tweet, etc, and let people know about this, I’d really appreciate it!

Thanks!

-Essin’ Em

A couple of weeks back, I took Q to a local TNG play party.  After our first (and at this point, only) experience going to a play party together, I was nervous as to how it might turn out.

Luckily, this party was far less fail than the last won.  In fact, one might say that it was win.

We show up, and Q is packing the delicious Mr. Man dildo underneath her boxers and cargo shorts. She’s dressed like a punky high school boy, or perhaps a nerdy college kid. I’m in my sexy teacher/professor outfit; a knee length pin strip skirt with a flare at the base, a black button down that just can’t seem to stay buttoned (with a visible red bra underneath), vintage wing tip heels, and leopard print underwear beneath it all.

I lead her back to the medical room (the most private play area in this very open space), and have her lie back on the medical exam chair as I pull her cock out of her pants, and slowly and tantalizingly begin to suck on in. As it’s the Mr. Man, her clit can feel all of the suction as I her her a blow job, still standing up in my heels.  I’m teaching her, you see, a lesson in cock sucking.

Then I ask what she’d like to learn next, as I run my knife all over her exposed skin. She asks me if I’d show her how to ride someone, and after unbuttoning my shirt, and hiking my skirt up around my waist, I climb onto the table, and fuck myself on her cock as her hips ride up, bucking into me.  You can’t quite see what’s going on with the flare of my skirt in the way, and a few viewers were surprised to see me sucking cock…but we knew what was happening, and how fucking hot it was.

At this point, I was getting pretty bloody horny, and as fun as a nice cock is, I wanted Q’s hand inside me.  We put the Fascinator throe on the table for easier clean up, and I took off the remaining clothing and shoes, and climbed up.  Now it was her turn to show me what she’d learned as she ran a knife over my breasts, stomach, down my thighs and back up to my vulva, gently scraping it against my lips.

With some lube, and a the hitachi ready to go, she started fucking me. It felt so good that I was so loud…and was told to quiet down. Sheepishly, we continued, as I tried to keep my moans inside – a tough feat with someone like Q fucking my brains out. Eventually, her whole hand slid into me, and she was fisting me, and eventually punch fucking me. Of course, I was squirting all over the place- good call on the throe!

At one point, the Hitachi pulled out of the wall, and we had to engage some by-standers to help us plus it back in. But then again, stuff like that always happens with us, so no worries.

More fisting and moans, until eventually I was flying so high it was like being on drugs, and we did a quick clean up before headed to the aftercare room for some epic cuddling.

I think we scared some of those who had never seen fisting before, intrigued some others, and were told by many how much they enjoyed the scene.

Denver may not have a lot of public queer play, but when we do it, we do it big.

I’d say it was a success!

-Essin’ Em

This is a party I’m co-hosting with the lovely ladies of WiCK’D (a female dominant kinksters group) next Friday at the Denver Sanctuary.  There will be a women/trans only play space, fun socialness, a fisting demo by yours truly, and much more.  I really hope this goes well, as I hope to begin throwing a monthly women and trans play party in Denver, and this is testing the water.

There is a MANDATORY 8:30 dungeon orientation for those who haven’t played here before.  For directions, please email me at EssinEm at gmail dot com.

Hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

Things I haven’t done yet that I want to do (I’m running out of things!):

*Be queer gang banged

*Fist two cunts simltaneously

*Pierce my nipples and play with them

*Shoot for Kink.com

*Own a violet wand and come from it…a lot

*Have a set of matching canes (red/black/silver) and get really good at using them on people

*Get very much better at fire play

*Get a set of fire cups, and learn to fire cup people

*Find a sub to clean my house once a month

*Shoot for CrashPad with Q

*Have 24-hours of sex with Q

*Attempt a threesome with Q

*Have more public sex

*Try receiving anal again to see if my views on it have changed

…I’m sure there are more….to be update!

-Essin’ Em

This is an issue.

A huge one.

Domestic violence, and relationship violence, and sexual violence, and all of that? Huge issue, period. Regardless of who is involved. It affects EVERYONE, whether you’re a victim/survivor, someone who knows people involved, family, friends, counselors, etc.  Everyone is part of this.

We have a lot of problems talking about DV/RV and getting everyone to realize that it IS a problem affecting everyone. Our concepts of it are that men abuse women. Physically, mentally, emotionally, with threats.  This is all violence. It’s hard to help people understand that abuse is more than just hitting, yet most people “get it” eventually.

But what happens when it is a woman abusing a man? Suddenly, everyone is skeptical.  Women abusing men? But how?!? Teh men are all so big and scary and…what? Are they going to hit them back and become violent themselves? Are they going to hurt their partners just to get out of it? Why can’t we see women as abusive? Because let me tell you, they definitely can be.

And if people have a hard enough time understanding that women can abuse men, it gets even more complicated in the queer community. Can women abuse women? And men abuse men? Moreover, does it matter on gender presentation?

I have a friend. Actually, the first dyke I had sex with. Who now identifies as either a stone butch or a transguy – we haven’t talked too much as of late. Anyway, this amazing person is a victim of relationship violence at the hands of their Femme partner.  And very few people can fathom this.

Because if women are abusing women, it MUST be the more masculine presenting person doing the abuse, right?

Bull fucking shit.

Anyone can abuse anyone, regardless of relationship type, gender presentation, sex, age, etc. Abuse is abuse, anyway it happens.

It is fucking hard to report abuse, to ask for help, period. It is even harder to leave. Depending on whose statistics you read, it can take 7-12 times of trying to leave your partner before you can actually do it without going back. Ridiculously hard to do, for a variety of reasons.

Now imagine trying to ask for help, to get support, when you are in the minority.  When you’re queer, or gay, or lesbian, or in a poly family, or a butch being abused by a femme. Imagine how much harder it is.

I’ve looked for resources, because I wanted to share.  In Colorado, we have the Colorado Anti-Violence Program, which has a hotline, but it’s generally geared towards violence against queer people by non-queer people.  I’ve talked to generic DV/RV hotlines, and they say anyone is welcome to call…but having talked with a few of their workers, I can see how hard it would be to be queer and call in.

So folks, I put this to you.  This is a problem in our community. It is.  How do we provide help, support, resources and more? Are the numbers and organizations I don’t know about? Post them here, please share them. Do you have ideas to help make this cause more known, and/or take the stigma away? Please, speak up.

To all victims/survivors of abuse, regardless of gender or orientation, please know I support you. In any way I can. My heart goes out to you…and hopefully, we, as a community, are on our way to creating a better support system for you and your loved ones.

That is all.

Essin’ Em

I don’t get the opportunity to book reviews as much any more, but I just couldn’t keep quiet about this one.  Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino is an absolutely brilliant book. Brilliant. It’s about non-monogamy and open relationships, but I would highly highly recommend it to anyone, regardless of their own personal relationship status.  It’s a good way at looking at polyamory/polyfidelity/swinging/non-monogamy/etc, whether you personally participate in it, or are looking to do so, or to learn about it to understand more about the lifestyle’s of your friends, etc.

Like many sexuality minded people, I have read The Ethical Slut (considered to be one of the main texts for those exploring non-monogamy). In fact, I had it assigned for one of my classes in grad school.  At the time, it was mind blowing.  A book, where people talked about having sex with multiple partners, who they cared about, in a completely non-judgmental sense. Ka-boooom! I started exploring my non-monogamy around the same time.

Only one problem. The Ethical Slut, while a good book, seemed to be a) a bit old-fashioned, and b) only seemed to cover the kind of open relationships practiced by the authors, which wasn’t *my* kind of non-monogamy. I kept my copy, lending out to friends (including my lovely Moose), but I wasn’t satisfied.

And then, Opening Up came into my life. Tristan is one of my favorite sexuality educators, and she certainly doesn’t disappoint.  For her book, she interviewed over one hundred people who practice non-monogamy in a variety of different ways. She has a great introduction, an interesting background on the history of non-monogamy/swinging, and a nice primer on “are non-monogamous relationships right for you?”  The questions in this section are great, and I actually sat down with Q (having been in a non-monogamous relationship with her for quite some time), and really enjoyed the discussion that resulted from these questions.

Following that, she breaks down the book into chapters about different kinds of non-monogamy, from swinging to polyfidelity, to partnered non-monogamy (which is similar to Q and my relationship) to solo polyamory. Each section talks about the history, brings up important points of the relationship type, has a mini-story about a couple/group/person who practices that type of non-monogamy, and things to think about if that’s what you’re looking for.

Q and I read through some of these chapters together, and discussed our personal responses to many of the questions and statements. Many of the exercises in this book were “easy” and non-invasive enough for someone who isn’t the biggest communicator, but is trying her best to really talk and communicate.

I loved this book. I’ve already lent out my copy to Q and another friend. My Moose is next on the list, since she just finished the Ethical Slut. Tristan has never let me know with either her books or her movies, but this one really went the distance.  Five out of five stars.

Get your own copy of Opening Up at Babeland, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

-Essin’ Em

I have a facade, that I’m not romantic, that I’m not what Cait and Q and I jokingly call “woo-woo.”  I’m not talking about tarot, and chakras, and processing and that kind of “woo-woo” but more of the “I listen for the sound of your car engine starting up so I know you’ve made it to your car safely…but it makes me miss you already” kind of “woo-woo.”

I think I don’t like very traditional, cliched romance. Don’t buy me a dozen red roses…now, you if want to randomly pick me wild flowers, or get me a bouquet of my favorite flowers, that’s different. Don’t buy me a box of chocolates because you’re “supposed to” for valentine’s day – I’d much rather you surprise me with peanut M & M’s or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups when I’m having an off day.

I DO like holding hands, but I like it because I like your touch, not because I have to prove myself to anyone. I like finding gifts I think you’d like…not because it’s our anniversary, or because I feel compelled to…but because I like getting you things that will put a smile on your face.

Q called me out the other day. She told me I was romantic AND woo-woo. And you know what, I admit it. She’s right…in some situations. When she gave me a ticket for Rent, my heart melted.  I didn’t even look to see where we were sitting…just going to a show that meant so much to me, well, it meant so much to me.  The other night, as I lay in bed, sharp, stabbing pains twisted through my knees, and her hands wrapped around me, holding me, I saw her as my knight in shining armor.

To me, romantic is doing that things that make YOUR partner happy, not the things that make Hallmark happy.  Q and I met at a strap-on workshop I taught.  To many people, not nearly as romantic as falling into her arms in Paris, or something like that. But to me? I think that’s an amazing place to have met someone.

I am cheesy. I do like the woo-woo. We stood on this giant sculpture in the middle of Downtown the other evening, her arms wrapped around me as I played the question game, asking her little bits and pieces about her, the wind blowing through my hair, everyone else having disappeared.

THAT is romance, and woo-woo to me. I love it. I love that she kisses my hand in the dark of the movie theatre, when she’s sure no one is watching. I love that she makes me quesadillas before I have run out the door. I love that she’s silly, and smart, and sexy. I love that I have to pull on her hand to make her slow down her walking…and then she slows down far too slow.

So yes, I’m a romantic, in some ways.  But only in the ways that work for me.

-Essin’ Em

As many of you know, I’m very open to answering your questions, both public and private.  A little while ago, I posted a reminder about this, and now am posting some answers to questions that I was asked. Here’s part 4 of the answers. Please feel free to comment asking more questions at any time, or shoot me an email at EssinEm at gmail dot com.

-Essin’ Em

Backseat Boohoo asked me three questions:

How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? Is there any special significance?

This is a pretty easy answer. I have five tattoos.  Four of them are written about in this post here, and the fifth is my femme spiral. Poof – done.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Let’s see. From about age 2-4, I wanted to be a vet. Then, ages 5-10ish, I has my heart set on being an archaeologist. Following them, from age 10 to 16 or 17 (middle of my first year of college), I wanted to be a child psychologist who worked with gifted children.  My first year of college changed my life, and I wanted to be a sex educator, especially in alternative ways.  And I’ve wanted to do that ever since. *cue some sort of sign that all my dreams have some true…or something like that*

Do you have any tips for fellow practitioners of polyamory?

Com. Un. I. Cation.  Say it with me; communication. So fucking crucia.  Negotiate. That doesn’t just mean “we’re open.” It means talking about what is ok, who is ok, when is ok. It’s perfectly acceptable to say “please don’t sleep with your exes” or “I would prefer you only have one or two primary relationships at time,” or ever “I have a bad feeling about _____ – can we please talk about this before you think about having sex with them?”  Also, it’s fine to say “hey, let’s just save fisting/oral/sex to eighties music/_____ for us, ok?” Or “I need the weekend of labor day to be my weekend, regardless of any other partners, because it’s really important.” Conversely, ask you partner(s) about their wants and needs.  And just because you negotiate once, it doesn’t mean you’re done communicating.  You can (and should) talk about things (and renegotiate) as often as works for you.  If you don’t communicate, shit goes to hell.  And if something isn’t working, BRING IN UP instead of just thinking it’ll go away/get better. It probably won’t.

Many of you have asked me what Q looks like.  She’s a pretty private person, even within her/our/my groups of friends, so I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be ok with me posting pictures of her on here, so I didn’t even ask.

But the other night, she was being incredibly sweet and was cooking me dinner (garlic bread and qunioa with eggplant, tofu, onions and garlic, if you care.  It was DELICIOUS). I was prancing around in my leopard print apron…cause. Well. I was naked, and didn’t want to get burned by hot oil or something like that. I was having a lot of fun distracting and teasing her while she was cooking.

And she let me take this picture.  I asked if I could put it up, and shockingly to me, the answer was yes.

So gentle readers, let me introduce to you Q (or at least her from the back):

Yes, that is a feminist sign tattoo on her neck, in the colors of the rainbow.  She has four tattoos, and an eyebrow piercing.  She’s really incredibly hot. And smart. And into social justice. And a little sarcastic, and a little silly.

So there you go. I’ve given in to your demands. I’m weak. I want you to understand how ridiculously hot she is, and in case my stories weren’t helping, this is fairly obvious, right?

That’s all. If you want more pictures, you’ll have to post a comment.  Maybe if there is a great demand, she’ll let me post more.

-Essin’ Em