And now I want to share it with you.  This was her question:

How has coming out in public as Essin’ Em affected both your personal and public life? Would you encourage other sex bloggers to come out and live openly as you do?

And this was my answer:

I’ve been very lucky.  And some of my luck was lucky (accepting friends/family, finding jobs I like within the adult industry, etc), and some of it was determination/stupidity (I am determined to make things I care about and find important acceptable enough for people to be able to talk about, and I don’t really give a flying moose’s ass if people don’t like me because I’m sex positive).

That said, sometimes it’s hard. When I broke up with F, I lost some readers that were her real life friends. But I don’t write for readers per se, so it was ok.  Conversely, when Q and I started getting serious, she asked me to take my blog link off of networked blogs on Facebook (it would post new content daily) because she didn’t want her friends reading about the sex we had. Now that Essin’ Em and Shanna Katz are much more synonymous, many of them have found my blog anyways. So Q and I talked, and she’s ok with that happening…but I can’t put it on FB now, cause I’m connected to her mother.

I understand that not everyone has the ability to “come out” as I have. Not everyone has a job that reveres (or even understands) their sexuality background. Some people have jobs that would fire them.  Some people have families that might reject them or judge them (AAG has had this issue). There are many reasons not to.

However, I never live in fear of being revealed. I never have to decide who gets to know my real name vs. my pen name. I never worry about what happens if I accidentally sign the wrong name, or if an affiliate program (goddess forbid) gets hacked. I can be proud of all the work I’ve done, including my blog (and as we all know, writing a regular blog IS a lot of work).

For those who can’t come out for safety (mental/emotional/physical) reasons, including family/work/etc, I validate. But to everyone else, if you CAN come out as someone who is sex-positive/queer/kinky/poly/etc, as someone who enjoys sexuality, as someone who talks about it in a non hush-hush way, then please do. The world needs to know that people have sex, and enjoy it, and that diversity amongst sexuality is ok.

I have the privilege of being able to “come out.” So I did. It’s hard at times, when I’m trying to protect Q, or when people who might creep me out add me on my Shanna Katz profile (I’ve since taken off more specific location info). But all in all, it’s worth it.

-Essin’ Em

-Essin’ Em

Could you give up sex if you had to?

I think it depends in what context, and for how long.

However, if, for example, Q decided that she had no interested in having sex ever again, would I give it up? No. I would stay with her as my primary, because I love her more than I can express, and that love is definitely more than the fact that she fucks like a saber tooth tiger. However, we’d have to renegotiate our current non-monogamous agreement (that I can fuck Johnny Depp, Jiz Lee and/or anyone for porn, and can play kink wise with others) to expand and included tertiary sexual partners. I can’t fathom giving up sex for the rest of my life.

If a magic genie offered to grant you three, and only three wishes, what would they be? And one of your wishes can’t be to have more wishes ;) by mauikink

Hmmmm.

Wish 3: I would like to have perfect health for me and my loved ones. Yes, I could pay for medical treatments with wish 1. However, I can’t fix everything. I’d rather no one have cavities, and I would like to always be able walk up stairs, and get out of bed, and not live my life around my pain.

Also, thanks again to my amazing sponsors; SexToy.com, Babeland, VibeReview, ExtremeRestraints, CrashPadSeries.com, GoodVibes.com and of course, the lovely For Your Nymphomation. Without such awesome and generous companies, there would not have been such a rocking contest.  

I’m not going to lie. I’m relieved to get some of these toys (most companies are shipping direct to the winners, but SexToy.com shipped to me first) out of my house. Do you realize how much space a box for a sex swing takes up?  If I can’t use it, the answer is TOO MUCH!

Congrats in advance to the winners, thanks to all the fabulous entries, and here are the answers.  Until next year…

-Essin’ Em

ANSWERS:

How old I am: 23 (turning 24 on December 9th – just saying…)

My real name: Shanna Katz

The names of my cats: Kinsey, Kali and Jasper (Jasper is a newbie, as he use to belong to Q and now is one of our kids.  So BOTH Kinsey/Kali and Kinsey/Kali/Jasper are correct)

The number of lettered partners (ex: Q) I have had on my blog, and list them: 8: J, K, C, L, M, F, S, Q were the main letters. However, I also had Miss P, Miss D, and Miss/Mistress S. Again, either 8 or 11 are acceptable.

Five of the companies I do review for (or have in the past): Any 5 of the following – Liberator, SexToy.com, Babeland, Vibe Review, Good Vibrations, EdenFantasys, Smitten Kitten, JimmyJane, ExtremeRestraints, RubyGlass21, Jollies, LoveHoney, Vibrator.com and Lelo.

Where my first job was in the “adult industry”: HotMoviesForHer.com (which I found as a CL posting for GayHotMovies.com,and was lucky enough they wanted me for HM4H!)

My number one porn star crush: Jiz Lee (shockingly, EVERYONE got this right. Hmm, how could that be?)

What happens everytime I get another 100 followers on Twitter: Tweet a nekkid (or often, NAKED) picture

Who created my Facebook Fan Page: The Kinky Librarian

One blogger who helped me to find/understand my Femme identity: There were many, but the main ones were Sinclair Sexsmith, Miss Avarice, Dylan (who I believe no longer blogs?) and Lady Brett Ashley.

How many tattoos I have, and what they are (bonus if you know their meanings): 5 tattoos
*Crescent moon with 4 stars and a tear drop. The tear drop is for sadness. Moon is the present and the stars are my future.
* Flying Pig with a banner below it that reads “Aba” which is Hebrew for father. It’s a memorial for my father. Pigs were my dad’s favorite animal.
*“Not all those who wander are lost.” A quote from LoTR. I’m a nerd, and a bibliophile, and it says a lot about the multiple directions of my life.
*Two people embracing. One is more femme in appearance, which represents (sometimes) me.   The other is sex and genderless. Two people embracing – is it love, or sex, or just comfort? It is my embrace of sexuality, of love regardless of gender.
*Femme spiral  - my (and several other Femmes’) reaction to the blue butch/dyke star.  To show I am a Femme, to help me be recognized, etc.

The other country have I lived in: Germany (Lueneburg, to be specific)

Number of states I’ve presented/taught in (bonus for which ones): Six states –  New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Colorado, California, and Washington. Also, Washington DC, which kind of counts.

My absolute favorite toy ever is: Hitachi Magic Wand. If you missed this, COME ON! Just kidding.

Two of my favorite kinky activities: I have many! They include fire play, sharp/knife play, forced orgasms, electricity, fisting, cupping and more.

Eight sex/uality bloggers I have met in person: I’m lucky enough to have met MANY. Audacia Ray, Jamye Waxman, Sinclair Sexsmith, Jiz Lee, Viviane Tang, Lolita Wolf, Boymeat, Jefferson, Wendy Blackheart, Heather Corinna, Tristan Taormino,  Courtney Trouble, That Toy Chick (we even worked together), Always Aroused Girl, Britni the Vagwig, Natt Nightly, Domina Doll, Furry Girl, Cunning Minx, Margaret (They Belong to Us), Sarah Dopp, Avatar Koo, MayMay, Miss Calico, Miss Avarice, Ellie Lumpesse, Chris (My Sexual Misadventures), Sasha Sappho, Rachel Krammer Bussel, Kinsey (Let’s Blog About Sex), Lee Harrington, CASizemore (more of a tweeter than a blogger), Mina Meow, Debauched Diva, Urban Gypsy, Jimbo Jones, CarnivalSQ, Sabrina Morgan, Miriam Perez (Feministing), Evey (Voyeur on Display), Mollena, Fivestar, Scarlett and Marla, Madison Young (who writes Kinky Feminism), Sequoia Redd, Jack Stratton, and Bella Vendetta (more a porn star, but awesome!). Phew. I think that’s it. If I missed you, comment and I’ll update.

Three issues I feel VERY strongly on: Some main ones are – Queer visibility and equality, fat acceptance, ability rights/accessibility, sexual assault discussion and prevention, animal rights, trans access to care and inclusivity, comprehensive sexuality education, body-safe sex toys/lubes/etc.

Five of my top ten toys/lube/etc: Here is my list o’ my top 10 sex toys.

Three of the four porn companies I’ve shot for: CrashPadSeries, GoodDykePorn, NoFauxxx and VegPorn (not yet up).

The color I am allergic to: Pink. Like woah fuck.

Two of my favorite colors (bonus for all three): Red, Black and Leopard Print (it IS a color, damnit, but Rain, kinkster from FetLife, was the only one to get this one).  White and silver were common, and good, guesses.

My degrees are in: A B.A. in Sociology and German and an M.Ed in Human Sexuality

One of my favorite body parts: Options include legs, breasts, hands and eyes.

What is special about my tongue: It’s geographic.

Site my advice panel is on: The Lesbian Lifestyle

Site my column is on: Out Front Colorado

BONUS QUESTIONS:

The number of comments on this blog: 4,815 as of Wednesday, when I wrote this post.

The number of posts on this blog: This post makes post 1085 (according to my dashboard)

-Essin’ Em

Backseat Boohoo asked me three questions:

How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of? Is there any special significance?

This is a pretty easy answer. I have five tattoos.  Four of them are written about in this post here, and the fifth is my femme spiral. Poof – done.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Let’s see. From about age 2-4, I wanted to be a vet. Then, ages 5-10ish, I has my heart set on being an archaeologist. Following them, from age 10 to 16 or 17 (middle of my first year of college), I wanted to be a child psychologist who worked with gifted children.  My first year of college changed my life, and I wanted to be a sex educator, especially in alternative ways.  And I’ve wanted to do that ever since. *cue some sort of sign that all my dreams have some true…or something like that*

Do you have any tips for fellow practitioners of polyamory?

Com. Un. I. Cation.  Say it with me; communication. So fucking crucia.  Negotiate. That doesn’t just mean “we’re open.” It means talking about what is ok, who is ok, when is ok. It’s perfectly acceptable to say “please don’t sleep with your exes” or “I would prefer you only have one or two primary relationships at time,” or ever “I have a bad feeling about _____ – can we please talk about this before you think about having sex with them?”  Also, it’s fine to say “hey, let’s just save fisting/oral/sex to eighties music/_____ for us, ok?” Or “I need the weekend of labor day to be my weekend, regardless of any other partners, because it’s really important.” Conversely, ask you partner(s) about their wants and needs.  And just because you negotiate once, it doesn’t mean you’re done communicating.  You can (and should) talk about things (and renegotiate) as often as works for you.  If you don’t communicate, shit goes to hell.  And if something isn’t working, BRING IN UP instead of just thinking it’ll go away/get better. It probably won’t.

-Essin’ Em

Randi asked me:

I may be asking a stupid question but I honestly don’t get the difference between queer and gay. In my eyes you’re either straight, gay, or bi. Isn’t labeling within each category simply semantics?

Randi, it’s not a stupid question, and I’m glad you asked.  There are many reasons people differenciate.  To some, gay is a male specific term, and so they don’t identify as male, or gay.  To others, there are more than two options, and that makes bi an unacceptable identity to them. For some, they feel like they’re outcasts in the “gay” (or even “lesbian”) community for a variety of reasons (not capitulating to norms, not being “gay enough” etc), and so they’ve turned to queer as a more open and flexible identity.  Some people identify as androgynous or genderqueer, etc, and there for how can they identify as gay, aka homosexual or “straight” aka heterosexual, when they don’t fall into the stereotypical binary of man or woman.

Other people (myself included) don’t like having to base their attraction on their identities.  I mean, bi doesn’t work for me, because I don’t really feel attracted to cisgender men on any sort of regular basis (although if Spike from Buffy came calling, that’s a whole different cup of tea).  Ergo, most people would categorize me as a lesbian. But what about the genderqueers, the transmen, the andros, etc that I’m attracted to? They’re certainly not woman identified, so that puts me out of the gay/lesbian group.

What about trans men who only have sex with men?

Trans women who only fuck women?

People who don’t know who they want to fuck?

People who want to fuck people of all genders?

Then add gender presentation/identity in there (butch, femme, boi, grrls, etc), and holy crap.

In my personal view, gay/straight/bi are boxing labels.  Queer, in my experience, has been an open ended, more open minded label. So no, I don’t see them as the same thing.

But you don’t have to take my word for it! Here are some of the responses from my NoFauxxx.com contest on what queer means to YOU.

Hope that explained it a bit!

-Essin’ Em

Frowzyboy asked:

You post pretty frequently, and always about something funny or touching or emotional – it’s always deeply human. How do you not lose your sense of what merits a post, what would be a meaningful thing to talk about? I feel like after a while with my blog I’ve lost that joie de posting and don’t do it unless something really shocking happens, which leaves loooong periods between updates.

I try to do my absolute best to post every, single day.  A) Because I really love my readers, and want them to have content and B) based on some excellent advice the lovely Always Aroused Girl posted a year or two ago.

It’s hard.  Somethings are easier than others.  Every Thursday is HNT (Half Nekkid Thursday), so I know I’m going to post a picture and a little schtick.  One day a week (usually Friday or Saturday), I post a review of a toy/book/movie/storage container, etc. I personally choose to post only one review per week, as I have decided to keep this as a sexuality blog and not a review blog (although I have no qualms with review blogs, and enjoy reading them).  Also, one day is usually dedicated to a Sugasm or Pleasurists post.

So that leaves three or four days a week of completely original content. Well, I mean my HNT and reviews are original, but content that doesn’t have a specific theme/goal.

I write most of my posts in advance. That helps.  When interesting things happen, I start writing about them. When I have thoughts, I write about them.  Sometimes, I’m not ready to write about it yet, so I’ll title a post and save it, to remember to write about it. This means that often, I’m set up with posts anywhere from 5-14 days in advance, that’s why I’m able to post every day, since I don’t have to think of them at the last minute.

Also, I’m awkward. My life is amusing to most people. I don’t have to try to make up funny things; I laugh at myself on a regular basis.  In addition, I’m very open with my feelings and emotions. I try not to paint myself as a saint. When I say/feel/do/think something upsetting/stupid/unPC/inappropriate, I don’t censor myself. What I write here is me, free and clear. That makes it easier to write.

I also write for me, not for anyone else.  Ergo, I don’t have to stop and think what “merits” a post. A post is something that is of interest to me, whether it’s amusing, or hurtful, or intriguing, or news, or anything like that. If people stop reading me, they stop reading me.  This blog IS me, and people don’t have to like me.

I hope that answered your question acceptably.

-Essin’ Em

These were a set of three questions submitted by Gray.

1) When you first starting writing, did you prefer to be anonymus or were you out there from day one?

I started out writing solely under the pen name Essin’ Em, and I didn’t post any pictures that showed my face. The first time I had a picture of me was in June 2007 with an amusing sign after visiting Howard Stern’s set. After that, I slowly let out more details of my life; what part of the country I lived in, some events I was attending (like Dinah Shore), etc.  I’m much more open and transparent than I was when I started. I completely respect those who remain anonymous, but I’m so out there anyways that I enjoy being who I am and out there.  At Sex 2.0, we talked about blog personas vs. real life personas.  I’m pretty sure (and people who have met me, feel free to comment) that Essin’ Em online is the same as Essin’ Em in real life.

2) Do you think you and Q will go to another play party?

I asked Q. Her answer was yes, at some point.  We’re hoping there will be a women’s only party soon, because she’s be more comfortable with that.  But yes, hopefully it will happen. She says “Hi!” by the way. I’ll keep you updated.

3) Do random companies send you products to test out or do you have a contract with a couple of them to work as a consultant?

No contracts.  I review for companies whose ethics/toys I approve of.  If there is a banner for them on the right side of the page, I like the company.  Babeland, Vibereview, Liberator, and SexToy.com send me toys on a regular basis. I get other toys and movies occasionally, like the Mr. Man from Jollies, the Mia from Vibrator.com, Couch Surfers from Trannywood Pictures, etc.  I get lots of offers, but sadly, I can’t accept all of them, both for time/posting, and ethical reasons.

Hope those answers have helped!

-Essin’ Em

Photo Credit: Half Moon Photography

Every once in a while, I like to remind everyone that I’d totally open for questions and all that jazz. I’m a very open person, and would love to answer 99% of the questions I’m asked (I reserve that 1% for rude questions, and the few things that I may not want to talk about).

SO! Now is your time, although I’ll do this any time you have a question. Please either post it as a comment, or send it to me at EssinEm at gmail dot com.  Let me know what name (and/or URL) I can post when I post my answer(s).

Questions can be about me, about sex/uality, about dis/ability, about kink, about blogging, about pretty much anything, and I’ll do my best to answer.

Ready…setty…go!

-Essin’ Em

My answer?  Everywhere and anywhere.

L, who I dated a while, and have become really good friends with, I met at the DMV. No really. I awkwardly flirted with her, and wound up on a date with her.

F, although we’d gone to HS together, I met at a CD release party at a local club.

Rex, who fucks me on CrashPadSeries.com, and I met when I went to see the Pornotopia Film Festival (put on by Self Serve Toys) in New Mexico.

The most adorable submissive who I have a mini crush on and I met at a play party.

I met Q and a bunch of other incredibly interesting queer people at the Strap-On 101 class I taught at Hysteria.

Sasha Sappho and I went to middle school together (and are currently competing as to who has hooked up with more people from said middle school.  Including each other, she’s at 3, and I’ve got 4).  We’ve been friends on and off for years, and have reconnected.

J and I met on craigslist when I searched “queer” as a keyword.

I met someone else at a Team Gina concert, and flirted with a cute woman at the Denver Roller Dolls after party. I have some great queer friends I met while performing the Vagina Monologues.

Do things that interest YOU. It’s silly to try and go meet dykes at a local bar if you’re not a bar person. I’ve learned this.  Go to book groups, to rock climbing, to whatever it is that YOU like to do.  There will (likely, unless it’s a KKK or super conservative religious meeting) be other queer people there as well. I mean, as surprising as it is, we are amongst you, infiltrating society with the homosexual agenda.

Meeting people is hard, for sure. I know this far more than I’d like to…but the best way to meet people, especially those who share interests with you is to do things that you actually like, and get to know other people in the same boat.

Just a thought.

-Essin’ Em

Love Is:

*Fluid. Morpheus. Always changing, growing, and adapting.

*Taking care of someone when they’re sick..even if they’re gross and sneezy. And kissing them anyway.

*Supporting someone in their passions and endeavors, even if they don’t mesh with yours.

*Asking probing questions (why do you love to play that instrument, what make that your favorite book, who has inspired you the most), even if you’re tired, and just want one word answers.

*Remembering someone’s favorite food…and learning to cook it, even if your idea of cooking is grilled cheese.

*Being with someone not only through the good times, the easy times, the fun times, but also the bad times, the hard times, the sad times.

*Knowing when one, or both of you, need space. And taking that space.

*Being the big spoon, even when you’d much rather always be the little spoon.

*Loving means letting go when you absolutely have to.

Love is and can be so many different things to so many different people. There is no one definition that is across the board for everyone. More over, love can mean different things to the same person, depending on who or what they’re loving.

What are your definitions of love?