Sexuality Happens

I got a question from a reader…more like an issue, that she’d like answer/discussed on here. And who am I to say no to such a sweet, polite, and loyal reader?!?!

I’ve been reading your blog for ages, and I absolutely adore it…it’s one of my favorite things I read online. I’ve noticed you talk about your body type, and that you seem very secure in your body. I had a really excessively emotionally abusive boyfriend before the absolutely amazing one I have now (this is a for-life type of relationship, quite apparently). But, at any rate, the last boyfriend made my jealously practically unbearable (you would not believe the stuff I get jealous over!) and my ability to see myself as attractive is practically non-existent. Add to that the fact that I’ve put on some weight since I started my current relationship, and you have a recipe for disaster, or at least major self-loathing. I’m curious about how you got secure in your looks in a society that seems to think only blond tits-on-a-stick is attractive. My boyfriend prefers curves and brunettes, so at least *he’s* accepting of different looks, but alas, my programming is all-too-functional. Any advice you can impart would be much appreciated. And you can feel free to post this letter on your blog if you’d so wish.

Thanks very much,
M

Ok M. Realizing that you HAVE low self esteem about your body is the first step in fixing it. Do I sound like a 12 step instructor yet? If so, sorry.

It’s not an easy process. Everything in society tells us to hate our bodies. Ads on the radio, tv, in magazines, on billboards; they all tell us we’re too fat, too short, too tall, too lanky, too awkward, too busty, not busty enough, curvy in the wrong places, not curvy. Add on all the things you can buy; diet pills, gym memberships with personal training, creams to take away wrinkles, creams to make things perky, to make things soft, to get rid of acne, to cover grey hairs, to make hair brighter, to make your skin glow, to make you skin less shiny. Everything tells us to hate our bodies.

And then, with all this self-hatred, all it takes is a partner NOT TELLING US we’re hot/beautiful/pretty/lovely/sexy/______. We don’t need someone to tell us we’re not; society has already done that for us. We just need a lack of validation. And if we’re unlucky enough to end up with someone that DOES judge us on the way we look, and worse yet, is emotionally abusive about it, well, then who can blame us for having a really skewed body image of ourselves?

I used to HATE my body. HATE it. My mother was always telling me I was too heavy; my house was filled with snackwells, skim milk, diet soda, frozen yogurt, etc. I was too big for “normal” food. Then there was the clothing issue. Torrid (see my wish list on the right to see what genius clothing they have!) didn’t exist until I was in HS, and by then it was too late. I’d spent years having to shop in different clothing sections, and once I hit HS, I hated having to go to “special stores” to find clothes that fit, and then of course, nothing was as “cool” and “hip” as I wanted to be.

Then I got to college. My first college boyfriend was anorexic (and possibly full other other eating disorders), making me feel even more insecure about my weight. He never told me I was pretty, he told me what to wear to look skinnier, he told me I was “different.” Then my next boyfriend told me my breasts were too big. As someone with DDs, and hearing from everyone everywhere that breasts were “the bigger, the better,” to hear from the guy I was dating that mine were too big was ridiculously hard.

Ok, enough of my sob story. How do you fix it?

I can give you the ways that have helped me. Please note: I have days where I feel fat and ugly, days where I think about doing anything I can to lose weight, days where I curl up with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and cry. So please don’t think that I love 100% of my body 100% of the time.

Here are some ideas:

*Find friends that are good friends. They will love you regardless of your appearance, and if they’re good friends, they will help make you feel good about your body. When you look good, they will tell you. When you look silly, they will tell you, and then you’ll be more likely to believe them when they DO tell you that you look beautiful.

*Figure out your style, what you like, what makes you feel good, what looks good on you. For me, it’s low cut shirts. I like my cleavage. I wear blacks, reds and blues, because they look good on me. I love lots of halter tops, because they provide support, and I feel comfortable in them. I do pin-up and 50′s inspired outfits, because that’s a look that celebrates curves, instead of trying to hide them. Find YOUR look, and then go on a thrift store shopping spree, and build up a wardrobe that you feel comfortable and hot wearing.

*Get someone you trust to take black and white nude photos. I know, it sounds crazy. Take off everything, and get down to exactly what it is that bothers you, that you don’t like, that makes you feel uncomfortable. Now, figure out your favorite body parts, the parts you DO like. Accentuate them. And ps, the back of your knees and you pinky fingers don’t count (been there, done that). I want legit body parts; feet, legs, hands, arms, breasts, ass, back, whatever it is. Take the pictures. Put them on your computer. Look at them. Print your favorites out if you can. Put them where you’ll see them. Look at your beautiful body, and love it.

*Learn to take a compliment. I’m still working on this one. When your partner tells you something nice, say thank you, and then stop talking. This is bloody hard, I KNOW. Say whatever you have to inside your head (he’s just saying that, etc), but don’t say it out loud. Say thank you. And then once you can do that, then work on quieting the voice in your head. Eventually (I think), you’ll be able to better accept that he’s being genuine.

*Put away your scale — give it away if you have to. Numbers don’t mean everything, or really, anything. Cover up your mirror for a day or two. Realize that there is so much more to likes than looking like a socially constructed beauty. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

*Write a list of everything you DO like about yourself…actually, make two. One mental, one physical. And if he’s into it, ask your partner to do the same about you. Put them in your purse. Look at them at least once a day, more often if you can. Realize your true beauty; both the beauty you see, and that others do (get your friends to do it too! Make it a true beauty night, and do it like yearbooks — everyone makes a little list for everyone).

*It sounds like you might want to go talk to a therapist too, and process this abusive relationship, so you can move on to your new and awesome relationship. Just a thought.

Hope these have helped. Readers, if you have any other suggestions, or feel I really put my foot in my mouth, please feel free to comment!

-Essin’ Em

Stealing this idea from Wendy Blackheart

Here are 100 Sexual Things About Me.

Exciting, I know. I reserve the right to change them in the future. And yes, they are in VERY random order; quite stream of consciousness! Enjoy…

1. I didn’t *really* kiss someone until I was about 10 days away from being 16.
2. I don’t like large amounts of tongue with my kisses, unless I’m sucking it like it’s their cock.
3. I’d rather have my lips bitten, nibbled and pulled.
4. I really love kissing and making out and can do it for hours.
5. My favorite thing is for someone to push me up against something, stick their hand in my hair, and kiss me. Hard.
6. I’m really horny. Pretty much all the damn time (as if you didn’t guess that one).
7. I’ve only had penile-vaginal sex with one guy (albeit multiple times).
8. I’ve never had anal sex. I’ve had a finger or two; wasn’t my thing.
9. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17.
10. That was my first time seeing a real life penis.
11. I started masturbating at 11 or so.
12. First with fingers, then shoving markers and hair brush into me, and finally I discovered the shower head, and the electric toothbrush (an old one!)
13. I never get myself off by hand; I get bored and fall asleep.
14. I actually like sucking cock (and apparently, am damn good at it), except for the semen bit.
15. I didn’t like intercourse at all. I found it boring and it made both of us sore.
16. My favorite way to come is with 2-3 fingers (of my partner) in me, and either their mouth or a vibe on my clit.
17. I’ve never fucked someone with a strap-on.
18. I’ve never *really* been fucked with a strap-on.
19. I love the feeling of having my whole hand in someone’s cunt.
20. I really want to be fisted, but have never gotten past 4 fingers.
21. I get so turned on when I see black latex gloves.
22. I want to try all these new and exciting things, but have yet to find someone I trust who wants to play.
23. My cat(s) sometimes chill(s) on the bed when I masturbate.
24. I own thousands of dollars of sex toys.
25. Only one contains phthalates.
26. Only one is pink.
27. I can have breast orgasms.
28. I can have multiple orgasms. I’ve lost count at about 10.
29. I’ve had sex on a hotel balcony.
30. I’ve had sex in a diner.
31. I’ve had sex in a parking lot.
32. I’ve had sex on the floor of a college study lounge with full glass windows into the hallway.
33. I had sex with a prospective student.
34. I’ve had sex with married women (whose husbands knew about it).
35. I’ve broken a lot of clothespins with nipple play.
36. I had my clitoral hood pierced (vertical), but had to take it out.
37. I came out as bisexual at 17.
38. I came out as pansexual at 21.
39. I came out as a Femme at 21, but didn’t fully accept it until I was 22.
40. I came out as a dyke at 22.
41. I first started having kinky dreams at age 10.
42. I’m not a huge fan of food + sex. It’s too messy.
43. I LOVE shower sex. And making out in the shower.
44. I like sex in the kitchen.
45. I like sex on the couch.
46. I really don’t like semen. In fact, it disgusts me.
47. I’m not a big fan of car sex.
48. I only own one pair of cotton underwear. Everything else is cute!
49. I only have my period 2-3 times a year because I’m on CBC (continuous birth control) to control super painful and long cycles.
50. I’ve a clean STI panel.
51. I own my own speculum.
52. I prefer the word Cunt. I like vagina and vulva too. I HATE vag and va-jay-jay.
53. I shave. My armpits, my legs and my vulva. It has nothing to do with men controlling my body; I like the way it feels.
54. My bedsheets are all black. And some pillow cases are leopard print, if not black.
55. I haven’t had sex in my LoveSac yet.
56. I really want someone to fuck me with a strap on.
57. I want to try a threesome with three female bodied people.
58. I want to be in a queer orgy.
59. I count oral, anal, vaginal, fingering, fisting, etc, as sex. Not sure on breast orgasms.
60. I’ve given head to more than 10 bio men.
61. Only two ever went down on me.
62. Every queer person I’ve ever been with has returned the favor :)
63. I used to fake and exaggerate orgasms with bio men. Then I discovered what sex REALLY was (for me), and haven’t done so since.
64. My left breast is almost a cup size smaller than my right.
65. My breasts are a 38D or 38DD.
66. I have a pretty damn small cunt.
67. I have a geographic tongue. Yeah.
68. I can roll my tongue.
69. I love eating cunt.
70. I love fucking cunts.
71. I love being fucked.
72. I love being tied up.
73. I love to beg.
74. I love being spanked.
75. I love being bitten.
76. I love being scratched (to a point).
77. I love orgasm control situations.
78. I love forced orgasm.
79. I don’t like feet in any type of sexy/sexual sense.
80. I have nude pictures of me and other women up all over my apartment walls.
81. I collect old, odd and vintage sex/sexuality books.
82. I like porn (ethical and feminist).
83. I have toys made of glass, metal, ceramic, silicone, wood, and more.
84. The Hitachi Magic Wand is my favorite toy EVER.
85. I own three Magic Wands; one for home, one for travel, and one in case.
86. I own a really cute punk rock harness, but I’ve never worn it for sex.
87. I like being bent over and fucked, but I can’t be on my knees.
88. I like being told to be quiet, but I PANIC and am full of anxiety if I have a ball gag in my mouth.
89. I have only a few hard limits with people I trust.
90. I love being naked, all the damn time.
91. I want to be a Pro-Domme when I move.
92. I’ve used Icy Hot and Tiger Balm on my nipples
93. I had hours and hours and hours of camping sex in a one person tent.
94. My mother knows I write this blog (I don’t know if she’s ever looked).
95. I like ice being melted all over me.
96. I used to get migraines from having orgasms when I was younger (I’d forget to breathe).
97. I was the last of my friends to “lose my virginity,” even though I don’t believe in that word, at the age of 20.
98. I don’t regret any sex I’ve had.
99. I’m really attracted to queer people on the more masculine end of the spectrum, but I also am randomly attracted to super feminine women occasionally. And British people. And boys(and bois) in eyeliner.
100. I want to have a lot more sex, sleep around more, and experience a lot more new things.

How in the heck does a big pretty girl like me find lingerie that suits my shape and doesn’t cost a fortune??

Well, I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this, but I’ll help you to the best of my ability.

There are some sites that are directed specifically at large size lingerie, such as Hips and Curves. Some of their stuff is a tiny bit pricey, but you can get cute bras for $25 or less, and babydolls, bustiers, etc for under $50.

Eden Fantasys Lingerie has a filter where you can look at stuff by sizes. We have about 10 plus sized items…and I personally am going to purchase this one because it is teh sexeh and a pretty color.

I’ve actually gotten some of my negligees at Ross, TJMax and thrift stores (although I wouldn’t buy my underwear there!). I’ve gotten bras I’ve liked at Lane Bryant (although I’m not such a fan of the way their other clothes fit me) and Nordstrom’s Rack. Just wait for fabulous sales :)

Here are some other sites for decently priced plus sized lingerie that I HAVEN’T checked out, but provide for you because I’m awesome.

Also, on a side note, I’m a lingerie lover. As in, obsessed with it! If anyone would like to send me (new) lingerie, I will send you a photo of me wearing it. Email me at essinem at gmail dot com to talk to me about this.

Essin’ Em
About Curves ($6 shipping)

Three Wishes (super well priced, more costumey)

Plus Sized Plum (very pretty, uses REAL plus sized models, not all size 12)

Ample Pleasure (very pretty, but more expensive

Henry and June (free shipping, good sales)