Sexuality Happens

I love me this holiday. Lots of cooking and singing and flaming candles and games with chocolate coins and retelling the story of the oil.

This will be Q’s second Channukah with me…and boy, does she love Latkes.

We also have continued my family’s tradition of channukah stockings, a way to meld traditions. 

Happy Channukah to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

We never really celebrated Thanksgiving as a big deal when I was young. We had three relatives living in NM, one in NY, two in FL and five in Israel. When that’s what your entire family looks like, clearly, there is not so much with the get togethers around holidays.  I mean, we went to visit New Mexico every summer, my aunt (NY) and grandfather (FL) came to visit occasionally, and we all went to Florida about every other year to meet up with my grandfather, step-grandmother and aunt. For my father’s death, my uncle flew out from Israel for the funeral, and four of the five Israelis visited for my bat mitzvah and my sister’s bat mitzvah.  And that’s my family.

So for thanksgiving, I think my mother made a turkey one or two years (stuffing baked separtely, given that my sister and I are vegetarians), but for the most part, we partook in the amazingness of hotel buffets.

Oh my god. Hotel buffets do an AMAZING job for Thanksgiving. Huge salad bar, blintzes, make your own pasta options, and the dessert? TO DIE FOR. Even us vegetarians could get stuffed. So to me, Thanksgiving = buffets.

In 2006, it was the first year I couldn’t make it home for Thanksgiving due to living in Philly, so I shared it with J.D. Bauchey of Hot Movies for Her. It was interesting…very family centric, and very Jewish, so it felt comforting to me. The next year, I went home with Buttscotch Cripple of the Philly Roller Girls. Again, very family centric, very Jewish. Do we see a theme?

Fall 2008, I was back in Colorado, mostly single (relationship with F was tanking) and unemployed, drowning in medical debt. All I wanted for thanksgiving was to be less broke. Instead, we took a family weekend to a local resort, once against celebrating with a buffet. There is a picture of the three of us, my mother, my sister, and me. All in black on Thanksgiving. Not planned, but we look like the Addams Family…well, I might look more like Elvira.  THIS is what I think of when I think of Family on Thanksgiving…that, and how everytime we dine together as a family, they ask me if I’d like a separate check…as though it is so obvious I don’t belong.

Last year, we had just moved to AZ, and Q and I started the tradition of remembering ThanksTaken — how we invaded a land not our own, and proceeded to kill off the indigenous people’s while we (we being white people — obviously not we we being the Jews from Eastern Europe) “celebrated” having found a new home.  Because honestly, that’s what Thanksgiving is.

This year, it’ll be the two of us, our three cats, and one of Q’s friends, once again remember the massacres that took place to celebrate such a holiday. I’ll make green bean casserole (trying this for the first time ever) and mushroom stew, Q is making garlic mashed potatoes and shitake stuffing, and will buy a pre-cooked mini-bird from the grocery, so we don’t have to cook it in our place.

Now, if it had been important to me and my family growing up, or if perhaps I wasn’t a vegetarian….then maybe this would be different. But it wasn’t, and I am, and so, I get ready to remember what we have taken from others in our quest to celebrate the new life we were “given.”

Wishing you warmth, love and deep thoughts on this holiday,

-Essin’ Em

A couple of weeks ago, Q and I got in our first “big” fight. With her being a social worker, and me having a background in counseling and communication, our fights usually consist of;

“I don’t like XYZ.”

“Don’t you think you’re projecting on me a little bit?”

“Maybe. But even so, I want more ABC in order to feel more fulfilled in this relationship!”

“Ok, what does more ABC look like to you?”

And then we talk a little more and our “fight” is over.

However, a few weeks back, we had a real fight. Over something relatively stupid, but on going, so it kind of built up into more of a blow out. We had a house guest at the time, so there wasn’t any yelling…but it was the first time Q got up in the middle of our intense conversation and left. Now, she was just going out of our bedroom into the living room to sleep on the couch…but that wasn’t what it seemed/felt like to me. I have a HUGE fear of abandonment; my dad died when I was 13, I’ve had friends from over a decade stop talking to me and pretend they don’t know me, and significant others who just peaced out. When someone walks out of the room, who has never done it before, in the middle of a big arguement, it feels to me like they are walking out of my life.

I tried to remain calm. I sat in bed, waiting for her to come back and finish the conversation, like we always do. She didn’t come back. So I left the apartment to walk around the complex. She didn’t come after me. I couldn’t believe it — I had once told her that if I ever left out of hurt or anger, it was incredibly important that she come after me, because I needed that from her to show me she still loved me and cared enough to come after me. She didn’t.

Finally, I headed back to our place. I hung up my keys and coat, and told her to take the bed, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to get any sleep that night, so I’d take the couch where I could read/watch TV. I then asked her when she wanted me to move out by…because in my mind, her leaving our conversation, walking out of the bedroom, and not coming after me had morphed into her ending the relationship. I then prompty burst into tears…which turned into sobs, and ended up in her arms.

Eventually, I calmed down enough to have conversation with her. We both talked about things that had been bothering us and might have fueled that argument, even if they hadn’t been brought up. We made a better game plan. And eventually, we went to bed together, after midnight, said I love you to each other and went to sleep.

I KNOW fights happen. My best friend is married to a guy that she used to have pretty big fights with bi-monthly, calling me in tears. She seems happy now, and tells me that they have tiffs, but that it makes it a stronger relationship. I KNOW it’s supposed to be normal to have the occasional big fight.

However, we’ve been together almost two years, and it’s the first BIG/REAL fight that we’ve had…which made it seem like an anomaly to me, and scared the wits out of me. Luckily, because we love each other, because we pretty much get each others’ communication styles, and because we both care about making this work, we made it through. And while hopefully the next “big” or “real” fight is months or preferably years off, I’ll be a little less startled and feel a little less abandoned by the next one.

-Essin’ Em

Warning: Wedding post. Will occur approximately monthly!

We’re being very conscious in how we plan this celebration of love. First of all, we’re calling it a wedding, and a celebration of love, but certainly not a marriage. To us, this is a bringing together of friends and family, a celebration of a relationship and love that we have together. It is not a legal transaction, it is NOT a marriage.

Do you know how hard it is to be social justice oriented queers trying to plan a wedding when the entire wedding and marriage industry is based a) on hetero couples and b) on spending outrageous amounts of money to look like some sort of society’s goal of “perfect” for all of one day? It’s just ridiculous.

We’ve finally found a venue — it’s an affordable hotel with a TAG rating (LGBTQ friendly) that basically includes almost everything. My dress is going to be a corset top and a skirt that is being given to me by a lingerie company….and I’ll have to take to a seamstress to make it fit the I want it to. We’re still trying to figure out if Q will be in tails, or nice pants and a vest….but I think that an ascot tie and possibly a top hat are definitely on the list, at least for pictures. My best friend A is making the Chuppah cover, and I’m going to figure out how to Home Depot-ize the rest of it. My moose is making our cake toppers to look just like our three kitties. 

I love that people are helping out by creating, making, donating, etc. This is truly OUR community’s celebration of our love, rather than what some stupid magazine or show tells me what our celebration of love it. Megan helped me find more black metal wrought iron candle holders at thrift stores last week, and Catherine says she may have some more as well.

We’ve decided on mini pumpkins with people’s names on them, where they can put their pumpkin wherever they’re planning on sitting (with color coded ribbons for vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, etc). We both love halloween, and while we want the wedding to be more of a Victorian elegant, we also want to include fall as part of it.

It’s still a good 10+ months away, but I’m enjoying the planning of it, and the flauting of the “proper” way to be wed. I love that we are still staying true to ourselves, and not selling out into the social constructions of a wedding.

I’ll post maybe once a month, so people don’t get sick of it…this isn’t really a wedding blog, nor is it an erotica blog, or a sex blog, or any of that. It’s a me blog, and I like it that way.

-Essin’ Em

Q and I will be participating, and if you’re engaged, I highly recommend you do as well. It’s important to participate in studies like this, to show the diversity of love and sexuality. It’s opened for engaged people of all genders and all orientations — you just have to not have kids, and be planning to have a wedding/ceremony/celebration of love in the next 12 months. Help a doctoral candidate out!

-Essin’ Em

Engaged volunteers needed!

I am looking for volunteers for a study of attitudes towards marriage and parenthood among engaged couples. The study consists of a 25-30 minute online survey. To qualify for the study, you must be 20-35 years old, live in the U.S., and plan to marry or have a commitment ceremony within the next 365 days. You and your romantic partner must not have children, and this must be the first marriage for both of you.

You can:

-Help a doctoral candidate;

-Increase the pool of scientific knowledge;

-Support research on marriage and families; and

-Spend some time thinking about your relationship!

I am working with Dr. Charlotte J. Patterson, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia. This study has been approved by the University of Virginia Institutional Review Board #2009025800.

If you and/or your romantic partner are interested in participating or want further information, please email me at survey.couples@gmail.com. I will send you a link that you can use to access the study.

Thanks!

Cristina Reitz-Krueger

Doctoral Student

University of Virginia

(434) 243-8558

survey.couples@gmail.com

Photo courtesy of Evocative Abyss

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #22? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

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~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

D/s Without the D/s? – This is one of those situations in a real time D/s relationship where much of the “fun” aspects of the D/s needs to be stuffed in the closet for a bit. And for us, it’s not a great time to be either a masochist or a sadist. We can deal with that.

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See also: Pleasurists #101 and #100 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

All Painted Up…

A Modest Proposal: Should Ginger & Cooper Fuck?

Happy Sexual Freedom Day

How Do You Explain

Life in spanking after 30: part 2

Erotic Writing

blindfold

Fantasy: Movie Night

Feeling Helpless

Gabrielle, Guest Star

Happy Anniversary…

History Lesson

I Still Don’t Know How You Taste

Monday Morning 2am

Metallic Seduction

Need

New Erotic Story For The Holidays – Tinsel Temptation

Putting the car into park

The Ordeal (Part Four)

The Sweetest Violation

The Young Mom

The Moment

The Soccer Mom

Timeless in a Window’s Light

Kink & Fetish

A space to hate and rage and be angry (photo story)

Beyond the Bedroom

Does liking Helmut Newton equal a fetish?

Happy Halloween: Light Me Up

I am all pins and needles

Kink and Fibromyalgia

Ownership and Monogamy

Punishing the servants

Pi

Switching It Up

The Cage

The Sacred Swinger Holiday: Halloween!

the most amazing night with HIM

The Pedicure

The Right Question

Wax on, wax off!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

All Roads Lead to Acceptance… I hope!

Crisis Averted

Dear boyfriend, I love you. And your cock.

Having Great Goddamned Expectations

If You Google it, I will Answer #9

I Don’t Know If I’ve Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That’s Touched Me

How to Massage Man’s G-spot

My Coming Out Story

National Coming Out Day

Recovering From Anorexia

Role Reversal

Sadie’s Condom PSA

This is day 15 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor.  Hurray! This means I’m half way through, even if it is taking me a few months to get there…This one is supposed to be to someone I miss the most. That is so hard for me–I miss lots of people, for various intervals. I miss Q when we’re apart, even though I know we’re coming back together. I miss seeing fellow educators in the gaps between seeing them. I miss my best friends E and A who don’t live in the same state as I do. I miss so many people. However, I’m trying not to duplicate who these letters are to, so I’m going to write it to L…a good friend in Denver who I dated for a month or two, but has morphed into an amazing friend and great person to have in my life.

L -

Thank you for being there for me. We both have crazy schedules (hello, you were on the fucking Warped Tour this year!), but regardless, you always do you best to make a little time for me, whether it’s coming to a class of mine, getting me free tickets to your show, driving me to the airport. I miss you, your smiling face, your constant optimism about life and the world around you. I miss how you always see the best in people. I miss how my crazy antics embarass you, but also amuse you to the point that you’re not going to stop me from doing them.

Who would have thought I’d have met such a great friend at the DMV, trying to pick her up with ridiculous lines about cute tattoos and being new (again) to the city? Not I. However, I’m glad I put myself out there.

While our relationship is not like some of my friends, who I talk to on a weekly (or more) basis, I miss you because you are always willing to help out…even if it takes a day or two to call me back. You’re up for fun and adventures and creating change and helping people, and personal growth.

I miss you, and I can’t wait to be back in the same city as you!

-Essin’ Em

Dear AJ–

You were one

I’m creating a list. A list of sex/relationship/LGBTQ/kink/social justice/feminist/humanist bloggers who have put up at least one post that has made you stop for a moment and think. Perhaps it was about sex and gender, or about your views of relationships, or some privilege you have that you hadn’t realized that you had yet. It can be anything that made you think, analyse, re-examine, say “oh!” — whatever it is that made you stop for a moment and step outside of your own view of the world.

Often, sex bloggers get boxed into a, well, a box. We’re suppoed to write reviews, erotica, and post pictures. Lots of people who are called “sex bloggers” don’t even identify as such. However, just because someone isn’t writing about the sex they are having, but rather about navigating relationships, combating sexual violence or struggling with gender, this doesn’t mean they they aren’t an amazing blogger that can really make you think.

This list is for all bloggers who write in the field of sexuality and social justice. When posted, it will not have a numberical order — rather, it will just be in alphabetical order, because I don’t know how you can really judge the quality of someone’s writing, as everyone has such a different style.

The few rules:

*Please don’t nominate yourself.

*Blog must have at least 15 posts on it, preferrably at least 6 months old (younger blogs often disappear, and then many of the list links are dead).

*Please comment with: The blog URL, the blogger’s online name, and at least ONE link to a post that made you think. You don’t need to explain why, but please include at least one think-worthy post.

*You can nominate up to 10 bloggers. Please do one comment per blogger, for ease of actually creating the list.

*Bloggers must be somehow related to the fields of sex, sexuality, relationships, parenting, kink, poly, monogamy, social justice, equality, etc.

You have until November 30th at 11:59pm to nominate. Feel free to post about this on your blog, tweet/facebook about it, ask to be nominated, just remember that you cannot nominate yourself. Please grab the button above (made by the AMAZING Dangerous Lilly) — just please host it yourself (thanks!).

And so it begins…

-Essin’ Em

I remember, not many years ago, when I said I’d never ever move for a partner.  I wouldn’t move cities/states to be with them, I wouldn’t move with them if their job required it, and heck, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to move IN with someone. I was (and still am) fiercely independent, and I wasn’t really sure if I was ready to merge any part of my life with anyone else.

I had a dream the other night about my ex before Q…the ex named F. No idea why I was dreaming about her, but it wasn’t a good one. She was rude, and mean and aggressive, and she had a list of things I supposedly owed her for — for part of Athena’s medical care before she died, for rent (even though we never lived together), for a car etc. Now, she didn’t give me or lend me a cent while we were together. I lent her money, I bought things for her, I let her essentially live with me after her house was broken into, and I drove her around for weeks when her car was impounded. I put a lot of emotion on the line for her, but also a lot of fiscal and “helping your life work” energy out there…yet here I was, dreaming that we had in fact merged our lives, and post break-up, she was trying to drain all of it out of me.

See, even now, almost 2 years in with Q, I still have anxiety (albeit about my ex) about living together, about changing my life to be with someone else. But despite that, I’ve changed a lot as well.

We’re moving back to Colorado in the spring, that any powers that may be. However, Q found the perfect most amazing job for her…in New York. She doesn’t think she’s quite qualified enough, and given the industry, she’s probably not even going to get a phone interview. But you know what, I told her to go for it. Apply. Just do it.

Living with Q…well, more specifically, being in a relationship with her, has made me a more relaxed, less stressed and OCD person. I’m willing to embrace change more, I’m more ok with going with the flow, and not only did I move in with her, but I moved my life to hell Arizona for her work. And you know what? Not only have I survived all of this, and am still a fiercely indepenedent person, but I have grown, and become a better person over all. Despite my hate of living with others, I love living with Q. Despite my distain for moving for a partner’s job, I found an AMAZING job here in Arizona, that I will keep when we move back to Colorado. And, I have found a partner who respects me, my quirks and kinks, my weirdness, my disability, my odd habits, and is 100% willing to let me be me…regardless of what that looks like.

Change is scary.

Change is constant.

Change is good.

I love myself and my growth, and all that my relationship with Q has had to do with all of that. Here’s to change!

-Essin’ Em

As I’m getting to see my favorite Moose tomorrow, also known as Evey, I thought I’d post a picture of the two of us, just to give you some ideas of what craziness is going to go down tomorrow night at the RACK Room’s Skull FuK (Fetish und Kink) party. Evey is going as an angel, and I a devil, as good conscious and bad conscious. 

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday all!

-Essin’ Em