Sexuality Happens

Tristan Taormino, Photo Source

Tristan Taormino is a rockstar of sex positivity, and a personal idol of mine.  I am hoping to be lucky enough to go hear her speak at the new Fascination in Scottsdale, AZ this Thursday, and finally meet her in person. Her book Opening Up is a brilliant look at the various types of non-monogamy, and her other book Down and Dirty Sex Secrets is a great all encompassing sex book for everyone.  Moreover, she has great videos that bridge the gap between educational and pleasurable/porn, from The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women to her Guide to Rough Sex, and of course, her awesome series Chemistry . She even has her own rocking butt plug! She was also the editor of Best Lesbian Erotica for many years – check out BLE 2009 for a sexy story about me written by Sinclair Sexsmith. If you live in one of the following places, I HIGHLY recommend getting out to see her! (And if you come to Scottsdale, make sure you say hi to me as well). For more info on Tristan, check out www.PuckerUp.com

That’s all for now,

Essin’ Em

Sunday, November 8, 5:00 pm potluck, 6:00 pm workshop
Santa Fe, NM
KINKY POSSIBILITIES: OPEN RELATIONSHIPS IN THE SCENE
People who practice BDSM and those who are in Dominant/submissive relationships face unique challenges in both designing their open relationships and making them work. Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino offers practical advice and strategies for dealing with specific issues related to being open and kinky. We’ll cover: common open relationship styles within BDSM communities and how they can work best; creative ways for giving everyone a voice in the negotiation process; dealing with jealousy and other intense feelings; and practical conflict resolution skills. In the interactive facilitated portion of this workshop, participants will be encouraged to share their stories, issues, and solutions.
RSVP: see the Fetlife event page or email for details!
Location: see FetLife event page for location & directions, not on FetLife? email me!
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

Monday, November 9, 7:30 pm
Albuquerque, NM
ANAL PLEASURE 101
In her most popular workshop, one she has taught around the world for over 9 years, Tristan introduces you to the world of anal pleasure. In this funny, education class, she covers a wide variety of topics, including: myths about anal sex; anal anatomy, the G-spot, and the prostate; basic preparation and hygiene; lubes, anal toys, and safer sex; anal penetration for beginners, and much more!
Location: Self Serve, 3904B Central Ave SE, Albuquerque, NM 87108
Admission: $30, register now to reserve your spot
Info: 505-265-5815
URL: www.selfservetoys.com 

Thursday, November 12, 7:00 pm
Scottsdale, AZ
“LET’S TALK SEX” with Tristan Taormino
Sex expert, author, and adult filmmaker Tristan Taormino will share her top ten ways to use toys and other accessories to take your sex life to the next level! She’ll tell you her picks for the best lube, vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, men’s toys, and more! She’ll talk about creative ways to use toys and other sexy goodies to transform your bedroom into an erotic playground. Plus, you’ll be able to ask her all your burning questions in a supportive, non-judgmental environment. Join Tristan as she takes you on a tour of all you need to know to have sensational, mind-blowing sex!
Location: Fascinations, 14747 Northsight Blvd., Scottsdale, AZ 85260
Admission: free and open to the public
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

Saturday, November 14, 7:00 pm
Minneapolis, MN
ANAL PLEASURE 101
In her most popular workshop, one she has taught around the world for over 9 years, Tristan introduces you to the world of anal pleasure. In this funny, education class, she covers a wide variety of topics, including: myths about anal sex; anal anatomy, the G-spot, and the prostate; basic preparation and hygiene; lubes, anal toys, and safer sex; anal penetration for beginners, and much more!
Location: Smitten Kitten, 3010 Lyndale Avenue, South Minneapolis MN
Admission: $30, pre-registration is required
Save on tickets: sign up for multiple of Tristan’s in-store events and save!! Just $50 for 2 workshops, $60 for ALL THREE!
Info: 612-721-6088
Email: info (at) smittenkittenonline.com
URL: www.smittenkittenonline.com 

Sunday, November 15, 7:00 pm
Minneapolis, MN
G-SPOT & FEMALE EJACULATION
Whether you don’t know how to find your G-spot or you’re an experienced G-spotter looking for some new techniques, find out all there is to know about G-spot anatomy, how to find your or someone else’s G-spot and orgasmic G-spot sex. Also learn about myths and truths about female ejaculation-what it is and isn’t and tips and techniques to try out at home.
Location: Smitten Kitten, 3010 Lyndale Avenue, South Minneapolis MN
Admission: $30, pre-registration is required
Save on tickets: sign up for multiple of Tristan’s in-store events and save!! Just $50 for 2 workshops, $60 for ALL THREE!
Info: 612-721-6088
Email: info (at) smittenkittenonline.com
URL: www.smittenkittenonline.com 

Monday, November 16, 7:00 pm
Minneapolis, MN
DESIGNING YOUR OPEN RELATIONSHIP
Are you considering an open relationship? Does your current open relationship need some tweaking? In this interactive workshop, relationship expert and author of Opening Up, Tristan Taormino will explore common myths, real-life benefits and challenges, and how to decide if an open relationship is right for you.
You’ll learn to articulate what you want, identify and negotiate limits and boundaries, communicate with your partner(s) in productive ways, and create relationships that work for you.
Admission: $30, pre-registration is required
Save on tickets: sign up for multiple of Tristan’s in-store events and save!! Just $50 for 2 workshops, $60 for ALL THREE!
Info: 612-721-6088
Email: info (at) smittenkittenonline.com 
URL: www.smittenkittenonline.com 

Tuesday, November 17, 8;00 pm
Princeton University, NJ
Beyond Monogamy: The Case for Open Relationships
A Book Talk with Tristan Taormino
Relationship and sex expert Tristan Taormino offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships. Drawing on in-depth research, interviews with over a hundred women and men, and her own personal experiences, Tristan explores the real-life benefits and challenges of open relationships in her new book. With her refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino argues that we must question the fairy tales and challenge the myths we’ve been taught about love, sex, intimacy, and commitment- only then can we create relationships that are honest, fulfilling, and really work.
Sponsored by LeTS.
Location: TBA
URL: www.princeton.edu/lgbt/events
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

Wednesday, November 18, Noon
Princeton University, NJ
Queer Sexualities
Lunch Talk with Tristan Taormino
What does it mean to be queer, sex positive, and sexually empowered? Join Tristan Taormino for an intimate discussion about queer sexuality. Society bombards us all with mixed messages about sex that are often confusing and contradictory. LGBTQ people are especially vulnerable to stereotypes and negative representations of our sexuality. How do we come to terms with feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety about our desires? How can we learn to embrace and cultivate our erotic power in order to build confidence and create fulfilling relationships?
Sponsored by the LGBT Center and Women’s Center
Location: LGBT Center Rainbow Lounge (Frist 247), Princeton University
URL: www.princeton.edu/lgbt/events
Info: tristan (at) puckerup dot com

November 20-22, 2009
Worcester, MA
TRANSCENDING BOUNDARIES
6th Annual Conference
The Transcending Boundaries conference for bisexual/pansexual, trans/genderqueer, intersex, and polyamorous people and our allies. We are pleased to announce that this year’s keynote speaker will be renowned alternative sexualities speaker Tristan Taormino. 
The conference strives to foster community, provide safe space, educate ourselves, and overcome societal sex, gender, and sexuality boundaries! Join us for open mic and Transgender Day of Remembrance reception, dynamic workshops, parties and entertainment, and a keynote luncheon with Tristan Taormino. We welcome everyone, from local, regional and national leaders in the bi, trans, intersex and poly communities to newcomers and allies. TBC works hard to make our conference safe, affordable and accessible for all.
Location: DCU Center and the Hilton Garden Inn in Worcester, MA
Admission: Register online at www.transcendingboundaries.org

Written by me for my new series “Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Learned in School.”  Reposted from Good Vibrations Magazine. 

Lube. Maybe you love it, maybe you don’t, but I’m willing to bet a fair amount of money that you never learned about it in your middle/high school sex education classes.  Hell, maybe you still have no idea about it. Many people don’t.

I am a huge proponent of lube. In fact, I even have a button that I wear proudly; lube is love. Perhaps you are asking why I’m such a lube lover. Let me give you the lowdown on why lube is so great.

First of all, lube can make things easier.  You know when a ring is stuck on someone’s finger and they put vasoline or butter on it to help slide it off?  Or when you’re trying to get a bullet vibe in or out of a dildo, and a drop of lube helps it pop right out (or in)?  Lube helps to pave the way.  Let’s say you’re trying to stick something (penis, dildo, cock, fingers, etc) into something (usually a vagina/cunt/anus). Why WOULDN’T you want to make it a smoother entry? To slide right in instead of having to force something is one of the great things about lube.

Now, you might be thinking “but my/my partner lubricates fabulously all on their own.” Great!  Perhaps you don’t need a little extra help. However, natural lube can dry up fairly quickly, plus there are so many reasons someone might not be lubricating much (or at all); antihistamines (any allergy meds), hormonal birth control, a plethora of other medications and medical conditions, stress in your/their daily life, hearing kids running around in the other room, etc. Plus, some people just don’t have a lot of natural lube. And that’s perfectly ok. Easiest solution to this is to grab some lube and add it to your sex life.

Talking about adding lube — anuses, although pretty spiffy, are not able to lubricate on their own. At all. Period.  Ergo, if you are putting things in a butt (your own or someone else), PLEASE use lube.  Even if it’s just spit, use something. If you’re trying for some hot anal sex, and haven’t ever done it before, use lube. It’s really hard to slide something big into something small if you’ve got a ton of friction going on.

Let’s speak to condoms for a moment. Poor condoms get such a bad rap. However, one little trick to making them feel better for all parties involved is lube!  Put a small drop…and when I say small, I mean small, inside the condom before the wearer puts it on.  Then, put a little more lube either on the outside of the condom or wherever the condom is going to be going.  Voila! Less friction equals more sensation, and you’re still having safer sex.

How much is the right amount? Start out with a little, as you can add a little more and a little more until it feels just right…kind of like a pervy goldilocks.  Too much, and soon you’ve turned sex into a slip n’ slide; not enough, and it totally defeats the purpose of using lube. 

What happens when you’ve been going at it for a while, and your lube starts to dry up a bit? Instead of adding more and more and more and turning it into a sticky, goopy mess, most lubes reactivate with a little bit of water.  This can be spit, sprinkling some water from a drinking glass, or my personal favorite; using a squirt gun. Get creative.

There are, for all intents and purposes, three types of lube; water based, silicone based and oil based.

Oil based lube (such as boy butter) are great jack off lubes. They stick around a long time, are very slick, and well, they’re designed for wanking.  However, they are NOT ok to put inside cunts, and there is a great debate as to whether oil is butt friendly. Granted, people have been using Crisco for years, but if you want to be sure of being body-friendly, don’t put oil based lubed inside you. Additionally, oil of any kind dissolves latex…meaning oil based lubes and any latex condoms/gloves/dams are mortal enemies.  Safer sex and oil based lubes don’t belong together.

A good amount of the lubes available, especially at your local drug store, and many sex toy providers, is water based. This means the main ingredient is water, and that it will wash off easily. It doesn’t have the staying power of oil based or silicone based, but it is definitely vagina/cunt/anus friendly, is easy to get off when you’re done, and reactivates with a little water. Additionally, it is latex friendly AND will not harm silicone toys.

Silicone lubes are available primarily online – you’ll be hard pressed to find them at the drugstore, although your local sex toy/adult store might carry it. It does not wash away very easily, making it good for sex in the shower/pool, or if you’re planning on going at it for a while. The number one thing to know about silicone lube is that you CANNOT use it with silicone toys.  It may melt them, or turn them into a Swiss cheese consistency, etc. Keep them separate. However, silicone lubes IS latex friendly, and although there are a few dissenting voices, it is generally considered friendly for vaginas/cunts/anuses.

Some of the water based lubes contain glycerin, and quite a few people have negative reactions to it, including getting yeast infections — since glycerin is made from glucose, which is sugar.  If you’re having problems with your lube, or you KNOW that you’re prone to yeast infections, make sure your lube is glycerin (and paraben) free.  Some good glycerin free, water based options are Maximus, Sliquid, Probe and O’My.

As a note, some (although not all) flavored lubes do contain sugars of various types. Sugars + cock = not an issue. Sugars + vagina/cunt = yeast infections. Read the ingredients, and know what you’re putting in your body!

Lube is love, folks. There are so many choices out there, and so many great reasons to use it, from exploring new territory to increasing sensation, and much more. With all the positives and the lack of negatives, why not give lube a good college try?

-Essin’ Em

In response to this here tweet by the lovely Sinclair Sexsmith, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite ten toys.  While I don’t own every sex toy invented (still holding out for the Eleven, the Esse, the Eroscillator, and any other cool toys made of aluminum (which I DON’T have ANY of yet!), marble (to go with my granite), or other funky materials), I have been fortunate enough through my work and this blog to try a large variety.  And since I understand that not everyone gets that lucky, and would like to know which ones are worth buying and spending the money on, here is a list of my top ten. I’m also going to have Q make a list of her top 5 for the future, so you get some different view points.

I’m including things that are not toys per se; lubes, throws, etc. However, I am saving books and porn for a different list.

All the following items have the Essin’ Em Seal of Orgasmic Approval.

-Essin’ Em

10. Fun Factory Curve – Big surprise to me, but this is great for both masturbating and using it on Q.  Design is perfect for stimulating G-spot, and the little handle is quite helpful, if I do say so myself!

9. Smart Balls – These are super fun for doing kegel exercises (at home, in the apartment building, at the grocery store, etc), and are also a blast to have in with a vibe on your clit.  Every cunt should have a set!

8. Lelo Gigi – Second best vibrator, and designed perfectly for both clitoral stimulation OR internal penetration and vibrator.  Comes in lots of fun colors now, and is rechargeable! 

7. Pjur’s Eros Body Glide and Aqua – Bodyglide is a wonderful silicone based lube that I love for longer sex sessions, fisting, sex in water, etc.  Aqua is an amazing water based lube that is fabulous for use with any toys, or any other kind of sex.

6. Thigh Harness – Cheap, but absolutely awesome!  Allows you to have sex in such a huge variety of positions, is disability friendly, and is machine washable.  Brilliant!

5. Vampire Gloves – SO MUCH FUN! These are great for sensual play to much rougher, edgy play.  Causes lots of tingles and goosebumps, or can be used harder to make marks. Have yet to find ANYONE who doesn’t absolutely love these!

4. The SpareParts Harness – Most comfortable harness EVER. Also, adjustable for ALL sizes (small-very large), so it’s great for use for everyone. Machine washable makes it easy to keep clean, and it’s easy to wear if one is packing underneath clothing. Something everyone should invest in!

3. The Fascinator Throe – Brilliant for pretty much everything. Protects sheets/furniture/etc against come, ejaculatory fluid, wax, lube, sweat, food, etc. Is then even more brilliant as it is MACHINE WASHABLE!

2. The NobEssence Tryst – the wood feels wonderful, it’s dual-sided depending on what you’re wanting, and it hits my g-spot abos-fucking-perfectly.

1. The Hitachi Magic Wand – This is THE. BEST. VIBRATOR. EVER. I love love love it. It can be used for any gender, any sex, by yourself or with a partner, kindly or torturously, you name it.  I happen to be the leader of the Hitachi cult, and plan to stay that way.

I’ve decided to write a series of articles, both for here and for Good Vibrations. It’s going to be called Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Got in School. It’s going to be informative, interesting and amusing, and it’s going to cover things that I (and hopefully you) deem important things about sex/sexuality/etc that you never got in your middle school/high school/college sexuality education classes. I already know some topics I’m planning on writing about, but I’d love to hear from you, from your friends, your partners, your kids, etc, about subjects that warrant discussion.

Here are some ideas I’m already planning on writing about:

*Lube; different types, when to use it, ingredient allergies, social perceptions

*Safer sex; how can we make barriers less icky and more sexy, since no one REALLY loves a condom/dam

*Period sex; pros/cons, how to do it safely, talking about it, etc

*How to talk with your partner about relationships styles (mono, poly, partner but playing, etc)

*How to come out as kinky

*First timers; how to deal with fears, concerns, etc, and figure out the right time

*Toys; introducing them, figuring out what works for you without blowing the budget

*Post sex activities; clean up, peeing (no UTIs), etc

*When you DO have an STI: people DO get them — how do you tell current, future and/or past partners

*Casual sex; how to have it while making it as safe and fun as possible

*Role playing: Types, discussions, etc

*Sex with/as a survivor; how to provide/ask for support, resources, etc

Any other ideas?  I’d love to hear them, and hopefully write about them.  Please comment here, unless you’d like to be more anonymous and send me an email at essinem at GMAIL dot com.  Either way, please, let me know topics you wish you’d learned in sex ed in your school(s), or from your parents, etc. If you can re-post, re-tweet, etc, and let people know about this, I’d really appreciate it!

Thanks!

-Essin’ Em

Tomorrow, June 27, 2009 is National HIV testing day in the US. Lots of places are doing FREE HIV testing, and I’ve even included a site below to find the closest place for YOU to get tested. No excuses. Hundreds of thousands of people are diagnosed with new cases of HIV every year, and more go undiagnosed because they didn’t get tested. HIV does not discriminate. It is not a gay man’s disease. It is not an African-American disease. It is not a single people’s, or a multiple partnered people’s or a poverty disease. It infects people of all genders, sexualities, abilities, races, socio-economic levels, etc. (PS, this includes lesbians – I’ve had some friends who have been told that dykes can’t get it.  This is bullshit).  Please, take care of yourself and get tested. Tomorrow is as good of a day as any, so let’s do it!

National HIV Testing Day (NHTD) is an annual campaign produced by the National Association of People with AIDS (NAPWA-US) to encourage at-risk individuals to receive voluntary HIV counseling and testing.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 180,000 to 280,000 people nationwide are HIV-positive but are unaware of their status. HIV counseling and testing enables people with HIV to take steps to protect their own health and that of their partners, and helps people who test negative get the information they need to stay uninfected.

Across the country, thousands of HIV counseling and testing sites, state and local health departments, and community-based HIV/AIDS service providers will participate in NHTD events, by holding health fairs, providing community and media outreach, hosting special testing-related events or operating extended hours.

I get tested every 6 months, and that’s with practicing safer sex as much as possible (I hate dams, so have fucked up with that a few times. I’m only human), and I’ll be getting my ass out to get tested tomorrow…and I expect all of you to go get tested! If you have any good or interesting experiences getting tested, let me know!

-Essin’ Em

Find out where YOU can get tested near you

One of my three rules for good sex is lube is love.

Doesn’t matter what kind of sex you’re having; lube can make it better.

Vaginal, anal, oral, frottage, “titty fucking” – lube.

Masturbating? Sex with yourself? Clicking the five fingered mouse? Ringing southern bells? Crossing the mason dixon line? LUBE.

Fisting (cunt or anal)?  Close to impossible (at least for it to feel good) without lube.

Sinclair posed a question the other day on twitter, about whether anyone enjoyed having fingers/a hand twisted inside them. I do…when there is lots of lube.

I’ve been on allergy medications since I was three years old – I don’t naturally lubricate that much, so lube is pretty much a must have.  And for my partners who do lubricate a lot on their own? Well, I like to have hours long sex sessions.  When you’re fucking someone for over an hour, it doesn’t matter how much natural lube they have – it gets used up, and/or dries out. 

Sex toys, especially silicone ones (only use water based lube with them!) tend to soak up lube as you fuck, so it’s always good to add a little more.

I have lube in my nightstand, on my counter, in my purse. I carry it with my in my 3*3*1 bag on the bloody airplane.  Lube is brilliant.

Silicone lube is great, except not with silicone toys. I especially love it for fucking in the shower. Water based lube is awesome too. When it starts to dry out, often times people add more and more, and then it becomes a gross, sticky mess.  Honestly, all you need is to add more water to reactivate it.  Suggestions? Spit. Pour some water on me (in the name of love). Use a spritz bottle. Use a animal shaped water gun (been there, done that.  Now do you see why I’m a hoot to fuck?). Put your finger over the top of a straw in a glass of water, move towards genitals, release finger (and water).  Anyway you want to, that’s the way to give your water based lube new life.

I suggest glycerin free lube for most people, as glycerin can encourage yeast infections in XX bodied people.  However, some lubes I’ve loved have some glycerin in them, and I didn’t have any issues with them…but I have had an issue with an all natural lube that uses vegetable glycerin. So really, sometimes it’s just luck of the draw.  Most flavored lubes do have glycerin.

NEVER use oil based lubes around vaginas, cunts, mouths or latex. So really, just don’t.

Lubes I love love love:

Eros Bodyglide (silicone based, LOVE it)

Eros/Pur Aqua (water based)

Maximus (water based)

Probe Classic (water based)

Sliquid H2O (water based)

O’My Flavored Lubes (water based)

As a side note…

Recently, WET, a fairly large lubricant company who has partnered with SexToy.com, sent me some lube samples.  I was hesitant to try them, as I’m fairly stuck in my lube ways, but I figured that SOMEONE had to try them, and I knew I’d be 100% honest.

They sent me four types. One is silicone based, two natural (glycerin and paraben free) water based, and one water based flavored.

WET Platinum is silicone based.  It has no smell, and contains no glycerin. It has a good deal of lasting power, although nothing like Eros Bodyglide. I like it, even if it’s not my favorite, and it has earned itself a spot in my purse.

WET Naturals “Beautifully Bare” is water based. It has a slight scent, but it’s kind of pleasant, and is glycerin AND paraben free, so it is body-healthy. Actually, this one surprised me with its staying power – most lubes that do not have silicone and glycerin in them do not have that much staying power, and require lots of water re-activiation. I was pleasantly impressed with this one, although it did eventually kind of soak into me, and at that point, I just went for my familiar and loved lubes.

WET Naturals “Sensual Strawberry” is water based, and like the above lube, it’s 100% glycerin and paraben free. The taste isn’t that bad, and there is no odd aftertaste. Because it’s glycerin free, it’s cunt friendly, so good for oral sex (with or with out a dam/condom). Also snazzy for hand/blow jobs. However, it doesn’t have hardly ANY staying power. Like really, none. Friction and this lube should not mix much, which is really counter intuitive to lube.

WET Kiwi Strawberry is water based and flavored. While it is sugar free, it does contain glycerin, so I wouldn’t put it below the belt…which. Um. Yeah.  Kind of defeats the point. The taste is so-so, but the glycerin after-taste overpowers it. It’s only great quality is that it’s fairly long lasting…but I mean, not really worth it. I’d definitely stay away from this one.

-Essin’ Em

Jiz Lee recently wrote a post that got me thinking.

The five love languages are familiar to me.

These are the five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

I first learned about the 5 love languages at camp in 8th grade (welcome to smart kid camp). We all wrote our top two ways we best received love on our arms, so that people in our groups understood how to best demonstrate their love for us (again, gifted kid camp).

It’s important that people understand that there is no right or wrong language.  If you feel loved when you receive gifts, this doesn’t mean it has to be diamond rings…it could be cookies, flowers, a book someone thinks you’d like, a hand-me-down that is perfect for you.  Physical touch, while it CAN be sex, it doesn’t have to be.  It can be hugs, cuddling, massages, having your hair stroked. Acts of service can be anything from fixing a washing machine (or bed frame!) to giving you a ride to the airport or picking up a package for you from the post office. Words of affirmation don’t have to be said at a specific time or in a specific way; I love you, you’re beautiful, I enjoy how you make me think, thank you for being in my life.  These are all words of affirmation. And quality time? That can be whatever you make of it.  Strolling through museums, curled up on the couch watching movies, or supporting one another by attending events that are important to you.

I loved the concept, and made of poster of them for the wall in my bedroom. I literally just took it down from my mother’s house the other day while cleaning it out.  I held it, I read it, and I thought about how much I use it in various facets of my life, whether by name or not. Actually, I just had a conversation about the love languages with a woman who is in Vagina Monologues with me. They are everywhere.

It may seem silly, but those five simple ideas have helped me so much throughout my life. I know that Ifeel best loved through physical touch and quality time.  I want people I care about to hold me, to kiss me, to feel me, to touch me. I want them to want to spend time with me.  Walking through the Denver Zoo with Q, going lingerie shopping with my friend in SF, seeing people I love in the audience at my performances; this is quality time for me. Acts of service are hard, because when I’m sick, I want nothing more than soup and tea, and feel loved when people provide them for me…but when I’m not sick, I’m very counter dependent, and have trouble letting people do favors for me.

How do I best show my love? Physical touch, quality, and acts of service like woah fuck. I leave my phone on 24-7, so people I care about can get ahold of me whenever they need me.  I love giving people I love rides, I love helping them with online things, I love supporting them however I can.  I am a touchy-feely person; I give hugs, pets and cuddles like no one’s business. And quality time…? Well, just like I want people I love to spend time with me, equally, I want to spend time with them.

I can give words of affirmation. Usually they are written, although sometimes spoken. But I have much trouble receiving them. Especially from people I love.  I can’t imagine that they actually think I’m beautiful, or brilliant, or witty. I mean, yes, it’s a self-conscious thing, I know that.  And I’ve gotten better at taking compliments. But I still have issues with it.  I also have trouble getting gifts, unless I really know someone. But I do love giving gifts, things I’ve made, things I’ve found while out and about that are perfect for people I care about. So while I can and do show my affection in these ways, they aren’t the go to ways for me, as i have trouble receiving love these ways.

Knowing these things has helped me explain myself to my partners.  I realized when I was presenting my Poly/Relationship Mapping class at Femina Potens last month why having a partner who would bring me soup when I was sick was so important; it’s hard for me to ask for help, and so me asking for soup, and then having it brought to me was a demonstration of love…TO ME. It wasn’t until I was explaining it you all the people at this class that *I* realized why it was so important to me, so how could any of my former partners know how much this mean. When I hop into bed, and someone sleepily puts their arms around me, or strokes my back, I feel loved. When someone arranges to hang out with me, or just shows up wanting to spend time with me, I feel love.  When Monkey and Jen drove hours with 3 kids to come and take me to Fisherman’s Wharf and spend time with me, I felt cared for. When my best friend showed up on my door step the week before Valentine’s Day, as I felt like I lay on my death bed, with a half-gallon of minestrone and a smile, I realized how loved I was.

But also realize that I need to know my friends and partners love languages in order to best demonstrate my love to them, in a way that they understand and accept. I have some friends that are not touchy – I’ve learned this. So instead of telling them they just did an amazing job by giving them a big hug, I have to say it out loud. For some of my friends, they love it when I give them extra sex toys and porn, but are so busy that they don’t have time for quality time.  We have to adapt, and we have to know ourselves, so we can tell the people who love us HOW to best love us.

As usual, it all boils down to communication.  Communication is key, you know the drill :)

In hindsight, I wonder what the good doctor and all the gifted kid counselors would say if they knew how well discussing love languages helped relationships…sexual, kinky, poly and more.

February 19th at 7pm, Hysteria brings you Shanna Katz aka Essin’ Em. Shanna will be presenting Basics of Poly and Relationship Mapping workshop. This workshop is primarily a lecture and discussion on the ideas of polyamory, open-relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. In addition to talking about what poly is (and what it can and does mean to different people), we’ll go over the basic types of relationships that people have (primary, secondary and tertiary) in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. We’ll also discuss communication and negotiation with your partners, mediation, and what to do when one or more of you is feeling hurt. Come open minded, and prepared examine your own relationship(s). Workshop is $10.

To register, call (303) 733-3373.

Or show up on the 19th to:

Hysteria

www.hysteriashop.com

114 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80209

Shanna Katz (aka Essin-Em) is a kinky, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, politically active, sex-educator Femme, with a bit of twisted sense of humor. Her sexuality blog “Sexuality Happens” can be found at www.Essin-Em.com. She spends her time pondering sex, sexuality, the gender spectrum, non-traditional relationships, sex toys, erotic writing, queer sexuality, new definitions of feminism and more.

She has a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education, and does work both online and face-to-face, educating people in a variety of ways about a variety of subjects. She has done trainings, workshops and written curricula for numerous universities including SUNY-Purchase, Colorado College and Princeton University, and has presented at the Planned Parenthood Association of Bucks Country (Doylestown, PA), Passional Toys (Philadelphia, PA), Femina Potens (San Francisco, CA) and S.E.X. PhD (Denver, CO). In her free time, she’s a mother to her kitties Kinsey and Kali, and is a roller derby referee for the Denver Rollers Dolls. For more information on Shanna, go to ShannaKatz.com.

I have a rule – I only have good sex. I mean, yes, it can be amazing, mind blowing, ridiculous, fabulous, etc…but at the bare minimum, it is GOOD sex. Good means that I am happy. I am satisfied. I had fun. I wasn’t thinking about whether my parking meter was out of time (been there), or about the book I’m reading (been there), or what colors I should paint my nails next (been there too). Good sex is sex I enjoy, that I would like to have again, sex that doesn’t make me want to chew off my own arm to get away. I have decided I will only have good sex from now on.

People always laugh when I say this. They think I’m joking. However, since I have instituted this rule in my life, I have had “not good” sex once, by accident. Over a year ago. Since then, only good sex.

How do I do it?

If I had to provide people with my sexual manifesto, there would be three commandments to start out. Follow them, and you too will have good sex.

Commandment I

Communication is key. Thou shall communicate; with yourself and with your partners.

If you cannot talk with the person you’re having sex with, well, why the hell are you having sex with them? You’re opening yourself to them. Tell them what you like, ask for what they need. Find out what they like and need. There is nothing wrong with talking before, during, and after sex. If something feels good, say so. If something doesn’t feel good, tell them what does. Do you want to add toys? Want to be tied up? Love watching porn to get you all kinds of turned on? Communicate with yourself – if you don’t know what you want or need, how can anyone else give it to you? If you need X, Y and Z in order for sex to be satisfying for you, then ASK FOR X, Y AND Z. It seems simple, but we all view ourselves as good communicators…and most of us are, about things that don’t involve sex.

Communicate, and thou shall go far.

Commandment II

Laughter is the fruit of the gods, or something like that. Thou shall laugh, at yourself and at the situations you may be in.

Sex is ridiculous. It is. As hot and bothered as you may get while watching porn (hell, I know I do), take a moment to look at other people having sex. It’s silly, it’s funny, there are odd noises, we made crazy sounds, sometimes we fall off the bed, sometimes the cat jumps on the bed, etc. Sex does not have to be deep and serious – it can be fun and full of laughter. If you cannot laugh with the person who is having sex with you, how can you let them do other things to you?

Laugh, and thou shall be rewarded.

Commandment III

Lube is love. Thou shall use lube, much of it. And then probably, thou shall add some more.

Again, many people think this is a joke. What does lube have to do with amazing sex? For many people, the answer is everything. For people on a variety of medications, they have trouble lubricating naturally (as someone on allergy medication my entire life, I have never been naturally dripping wet). Other people just don’t lube up as much. Some people get dripping wet, but if you’re going to fuck them for an hour or two or three, at some point, their own lube (just like synthetic lube) will dry out. Anuses are not naturally lubricated. Basically, there is almost not situation where a little extra (or a lot extra) lube would not make for better sex. Wetter IS better. And if you have too much (which I’ve NEVER experienced, but hypothetically), you can always wipe it off.

Use lube, and thou shall be be slippery and satisfied.

Follow these suggestions, and good sex is sure to be on your horizons.

Other things I think about sex/sexuality:

*Sex is good. It is not a negative thing, or anything to be ashamed of. I am reclaiming sex.

*Sex work is a perfectly acceptable career option

*Sexuality Education should include more than prevention and pregnancy talk. Namely, identity, practices, fetishes, kinks, types of relationships, etc.

*Gender is not a binary. Nor should it be a spectrum. Rather, it is an explosion.

*I hate the term “Gold Star Lesbian” – I am a shooting star dyke. Just so you know.

*I think we should start talking about sexuality with children, probably in 2nd grade (age appropriate of course).

*I think identities are sacred. I accept other identities, even if they sometimes don’t make sense to me. I’d never dream of telling someone how to identify, or not identify.

*I love the word cunt.

*I have reclaimed the word slut. I do not think of it as a negative thing.

*We have so much love inside of us, for so many people. There is no “one” – only people we love in different manners.

For some people, safer sex is a drag. When I was seeing F, one of our only rules about playing with/fucking other people was that we had to use safer sex.  And then she fucked someone…and decided not to use safer sex.  Not because it was that difficult, or she didn’t understand it (I’d done the oh-so-sexy sex educator role play to show her, since she didn’t have a background in it), but because she didn’t like it.

Safer sex can suck sometimes.  Let’s say you’re sucking cock, and don’t have a a flavored condom. Well…yeah, normal condoms taste gross. But do you know what tastes grosser? Gonorrhea in your throat. Just saying.

Dams are not the sexiest things, and even non-microwavable saran wrap isn’t super hot. But neither is herpes.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m not perfect. After F had unsafe sex, I didn’t start using protection with her (and consequently had an ingrown hair which scared the FUCK out of me, and I’ve since been tested – 100% STI free – and am back on the safer sex band wagon).  I do believe in becoming fluid bonded with a partner, when you’ve been together for a period of time, and both go and get tested, and if you’re both negative for everything, and agree to only have safer sex with other people (and then actually follow this rule), not using barriers with each other.  My grad school advisor would think I was being really fucking stupid. And he’s right – there (as I’ve found out) is always the chance that one of you is cheating/breaking the rules/having unsafer sex.  There is the chance that one of you has an STI that for some reason, didn’t show up. And as I’ve also found out, you can always get bacterial vaginosis from a partner, even if they don’t have any STIs.  But becoming fluid bonded is a risk I’m willing to take. I’ve done it twice; with J and with F. And will consider doing it again with future long term partners.

But you know what I love, even when I’m fluid bonded? I LOVE black, latex gloves.  Actually, now I use nitrile, since you never know who may be in bed with you (ok, I do, but I wanted to sound glamorous), and you don’t know if they’re allergic to latex. But pull on a black glove? I am putty in your hands.

Now, I use gloves a lot, even with fluid bonded partners, a) because black gloves are really god damn fucking hot, and b) because I have nails…they’re not long, talons by any means, but I don’t keep them dyke-a-delically short.  And I’d really prefer not to scratch up my partners’ cunts (just their backs…shoulders…legs…anyways). So I wear them a good majority of the time.  And there are few things as hot as seeing a black glove disappear into a cunt.  

My photo set is up from my shoot on CrashPadSeries.com (video and behind the scenes will go up shortly…if you click through here to sign up, you’re supporting me, Pink and White, and super hot queer porn!), and of all the pictures, there are three or four in a row of Rex’s hand in my cunt…begloved, and lubed, and god, if these “black gloved hand in cunt” pictures aren’t my favorite in the set…and some of my favorite of me ever.

Safer sex is a compromise.  You can do your absolute best. You can do nothing. Or you can be like me, and meet somewhere in the middle, and figure out how to make it work. I will not go down w/o a barrier on someone I haven’t become fluid bonded with…but I will fuck them.  My toys are almost all sterilizable (expect my wood one, which is just for me), so I can use them without barriers.

But black gloves? I will use them as much as I possibly can…because really, is there anything hotter?

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

PS: Trouble from NoFauxxx.com is on my radio show on Radio Dentata tonight at 9pm EST/6pm PST – make sure you tune into listen!