Sexuality Happens

Jiz Lee recently wrote a post that got me thinking.

The five love languages are familiar to me.

These are the five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

I first learned about the 5 love languages at camp in 8th grade (welcome to smart kid camp). We all wrote our top two ways we best received love on our arms, so that people in our groups understood how to best demonstrate their love for us (again, gifted kid camp).

It’s important that people understand that there is no right or wrong language.  If you feel loved when you receive gifts, this doesn’t mean it has to be diamond rings…it could be cookies, flowers, a book someone thinks you’d like, a hand-me-down that is perfect for you.  Physical touch, while it CAN be sex, it doesn’t have to be.  It can be hugs, cuddling, massages, having your hair stroked. Acts of service can be anything from fixing a washing machine (or bed frame!) to giving you a ride to the airport or picking up a package for you from the post office. Words of affirmation don’t have to be said at a specific time or in a specific way; I love you, you’re beautiful, I enjoy how you make me think, thank you for being in my life.  These are all words of affirmation. And quality time? That can be whatever you make of it.  Strolling through museums, curled up on the couch watching movies, or supporting one another by attending events that are important to you.

I loved the concept, and made of poster of them for the wall in my bedroom. I literally just took it down from my mother’s house the other day while cleaning it out.  I held it, I read it, and I thought about how much I use it in various facets of my life, whether by name or not. Actually, I just had a conversation about the love languages with a woman who is in Vagina Monologues with me. They are everywhere.

It may seem silly, but those five simple ideas have helped me so much throughout my life. I know that Ifeel best loved through physical touch and quality time.  I want people I care about to hold me, to kiss me, to feel me, to touch me. I want them to want to spend time with me.  Walking through the Denver Zoo with Q, going lingerie shopping with my friend in SF, seeing people I love in the audience at my performances; this is quality time for me. Acts of service are hard, because when I’m sick, I want nothing more than soup and tea, and feel loved when people provide them for me…but when I’m not sick, I’m very counter dependent, and have trouble letting people do favors for me.

How do I best show my love? Physical touch, quality, and acts of service like woah fuck. I leave my phone on 24-7, so people I care about can get ahold of me whenever they need me.  I love giving people I love rides, I love helping them with online things, I love supporting them however I can.  I am a touchy-feely person; I give hugs, pets and cuddles like no one’s business. And quality time…? Well, just like I want people I love to spend time with me, equally, I want to spend time with them.

I can give words of affirmation. Usually they are written, although sometimes spoken. But I have much trouble receiving them. Especially from people I love.  I can’t imagine that they actually think I’m beautiful, or brilliant, or witty. I mean, yes, it’s a self-conscious thing, I know that.  And I’ve gotten better at taking compliments. But I still have issues with it.  I also have trouble getting gifts, unless I really know someone. But I do love giving gifts, things I’ve made, things I’ve found while out and about that are perfect for people I care about. So while I can and do show my affection in these ways, they aren’t the go to ways for me, as i have trouble receiving love these ways.

Knowing these things has helped me explain myself to my partners.  I realized when I was presenting my Poly/Relationship Mapping class at Femina Potens last month why having a partner who would bring me soup when I was sick was so important; it’s hard for me to ask for help, and so me asking for soup, and then having it brought to me was a demonstration of love…TO ME. It wasn’t until I was explaining it you all the people at this class that *I* realized why it was so important to me, so how could any of my former partners know how much this mean. When I hop into bed, and someone sleepily puts their arms around me, or strokes my back, I feel loved. When someone arranges to hang out with me, or just shows up wanting to spend time with me, I feel love.  When Monkey and Jen drove hours with 3 kids to come and take me to Fisherman’s Wharf and spend time with me, I felt cared for. When my best friend showed up on my door step the week before Valentine’s Day, as I felt like I lay on my death bed, with a half-gallon of minestrone and a smile, I realized how loved I was.

But also realize that I need to know my friends and partners love languages in order to best demonstrate my love to them, in a way that they understand and accept. I have some friends that are not touchy – I’ve learned this. So instead of telling them they just did an amazing job by giving them a big hug, I have to say it out loud. For some of my friends, they love it when I give them extra sex toys and porn, but are so busy that they don’t have time for quality time.  We have to adapt, and we have to know ourselves, so we can tell the people who love us HOW to best love us.

As usual, it all boils down to communication.  Communication is key, you know the drill :)

In hindsight, I wonder what the good doctor and all the gifted kid counselors would say if they knew how well discussing love languages helped relationships…sexual, kinky, poly and more.

February 19th at 7pm, Hysteria brings you Shanna Katz aka Essin’ Em. Shanna will be presenting Basics of Poly and Relationship Mapping workshop. This workshop is primarily a lecture and discussion on the ideas of polyamory, open-relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. In addition to talking about what poly is (and what it can and does mean to different people), we’ll go over the basic types of relationships that people have (primary, secondary and tertiary) in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. We’ll also discuss communication and negotiation with your partners, mediation, and what to do when one or more of you is feeling hurt. Come open minded, and prepared examine your own relationship(s). Workshop is $10.

To register, call (303) 733-3373.

Or show up on the 19th to:

Hysteria

www.hysteriashop.com

114 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80209

Shanna Katz (aka Essin-Em) is a kinky, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, politically active, sex-educator Femme, with a bit of twisted sense of humor. Her sexuality blog “Sexuality Happens” can be found at www.Essin-Em.com. She spends her time pondering sex, sexuality, the gender spectrum, non-traditional relationships, sex toys, erotic writing, queer sexuality, new definitions of feminism and more.

She has a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education, and does work both online and face-to-face, educating people in a variety of ways about a variety of subjects. She has done trainings, workshops and written curricula for numerous universities including SUNY-Purchase, Colorado College and Princeton University, and has presented at the Planned Parenthood Association of Bucks Country (Doylestown, PA), Passional Toys (Philadelphia, PA), Femina Potens (San Francisco, CA) and S.E.X. PhD (Denver, CO). In her free time, she’s a mother to her kitties Kinsey and Kali, and is a roller derby referee for the Denver Rollers Dolls. For more information on Shanna, go to ShannaKatz.com.

I have a rule – I only have good sex. I mean, yes, it can be amazing, mind blowing, ridiculous, fabulous, etc…but at the bare minimum, it is GOOD sex. Good means that I am happy. I am satisfied. I had fun. I wasn’t thinking about whether my parking meter was out of time (been there), or about the book I’m reading (been there), or what colors I should paint my nails next (been there too). Good sex is sex I enjoy, that I would like to have again, sex that doesn’t make me want to chew off my own arm to get away. I have decided I will only have good sex from now on.

People always laugh when I say this. They think I’m joking. However, since I have instituted this rule in my life, I have had “not good” sex once, by accident. Over a year ago. Since then, only good sex.

How do I do it?

If I had to provide people with my sexual manifesto, there would be three commandments to start out. Follow them, and you too will have good sex.

Commandment I

Communication is key. Thou shall communicate; with yourself and with your partners.

If you cannot talk with the person you’re having sex with, well, why the hell are you having sex with them? You’re opening yourself to them. Tell them what you like, ask for what they need. Find out what they like and need. There is nothing wrong with talking before, during, and after sex. If something feels good, say so. If something doesn’t feel good, tell them what does. Do you want to add toys? Want to be tied up? Love watching porn to get you all kinds of turned on? Communicate with yourself – if you don’t know what you want or need, how can anyone else give it to you? If you need X, Y and Z in order for sex to be satisfying for you, then ASK FOR X, Y AND Z. It seems simple, but we all view ourselves as good communicators…and most of us are, about things that don’t involve sex.

Communicate, and thou shall go far.

Commandment II

Laughter is the fruit of the gods, or something like that. Thou shall laugh, at yourself and at the situations you may be in.

Sex is ridiculous. It is. As hot and bothered as you may get while watching porn (hell, I know I do), take a moment to look at other people having sex. It’s silly, it’s funny, there are odd noises, we made crazy sounds, sometimes we fall off the bed, sometimes the cat jumps on the bed, etc. Sex does not have to be deep and serious – it can be fun and full of laughter. If you cannot laugh with the person who is having sex with you, how can you let them do other things to you?

Laugh, and thou shall be rewarded.

Commandment III

Lube is love. Thou shall use lube, much of it. And then probably, thou shall add some more.

Again, many people think this is a joke. What does lube have to do with amazing sex? For many people, the answer is everything. For people on a variety of medications, they have trouble lubricating naturally (as someone on allergy medication my entire life, I have never been naturally dripping wet). Other people just don’t lube up as much. Some people get dripping wet, but if you’re going to fuck them for an hour or two or three, at some point, their own lube (just like synthetic lube) will dry out. Anuses are not naturally lubricated. Basically, there is almost not situation where a little extra (or a lot extra) lube would not make for better sex. Wetter IS better. And if you have too much (which I’ve NEVER experienced, but hypothetically), you can always wipe it off.

Use lube, and thou shall be be slippery and satisfied.

Follow these suggestions, and good sex is sure to be on your horizons.

Other things I think about sex/sexuality:

*Sex is good. It is not a negative thing, or anything to be ashamed of. I am reclaiming sex.

*Sex work is a perfectly acceptable career option

*Sexuality Education should include more than prevention and pregnancy talk. Namely, identity, practices, fetishes, kinks, types of relationships, etc.

*Gender is not a binary. Nor should it be a spectrum. Rather, it is an explosion.

*I hate the term “Gold Star Lesbian” – I am a shooting star dyke. Just so you know.

*I think we should start talking about sexuality with children, probably in 2nd grade (age appropriate of course).

*I think identities are sacred. I accept other identities, even if they sometimes don’t make sense to me. I’d never dream of telling someone how to identify, or not identify.

*I love the word cunt.

*I have reclaimed the word slut. I do not think of it as a negative thing.

*We have so much love inside of us, for so many people. There is no “one” – only people we love in different manners.

For some people, safer sex is a drag. When I was seeing F, one of our only rules about playing with/fucking other people was that we had to use safer sex.  And then she fucked someone…and decided not to use safer sex.  Not because it was that difficult, or she didn’t understand it (I’d done the oh-so-sexy sex educator role play to show her, since she didn’t have a background in it), but because she didn’t like it.

Safer sex can suck sometimes.  Let’s say you’re sucking cock, and don’t have a a flavored condom. Well…yeah, normal condoms taste gross. But do you know what tastes grosser? Gonorrhea in your throat. Just saying.

Dams are not the sexiest things, and even non-microwavable saran wrap isn’t super hot. But neither is herpes.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m not perfect. After F had unsafe sex, I didn’t start using protection with her (and consequently had an ingrown hair which scared the FUCK out of me, and I’ve since been tested – 100% STI free – and am back on the safer sex band wagon).  I do believe in becoming fluid bonded with a partner, when you’ve been together for a period of time, and both go and get tested, and if you’re both negative for everything, and agree to only have safer sex with other people (and then actually follow this rule), not using barriers with each other.  My grad school advisor would think I was being really fucking stupid. And he’s right – there (as I’ve found out) is always the chance that one of you is cheating/breaking the rules/having unsafer sex.  There is the chance that one of you has an STI that for some reason, didn’t show up. And as I’ve also found out, you can always get bacterial vaginosis from a partner, even if they don’t have any STIs.  But becoming fluid bonded is a risk I’m willing to take. I’ve done it twice; with J and with F. And will consider doing it again with future long term partners.

But you know what I love, even when I’m fluid bonded? I LOVE black, latex gloves.  Actually, now I use nitrile, since you never know who may be in bed with you (ok, I do, but I wanted to sound glamorous), and you don’t know if they’re allergic to latex. But pull on a black glove? I am putty in your hands.

Now, I use gloves a lot, even with fluid bonded partners, a) because black gloves are really god damn fucking hot, and b) because I have nails…they’re not long, talons by any means, but I don’t keep them dyke-a-delically short.  And I’d really prefer not to scratch up my partners’ cunts (just their backs…shoulders…legs…anyways). So I wear them a good majority of the time.  And there are few things as hot as seeing a black glove disappear into a cunt.  

My photo set is up from my shoot on CrashPadSeries.com (video and behind the scenes will go up shortly…if you click through here to sign up, you’re supporting me, Pink and White, and super hot queer porn!), and of all the pictures, there are three or four in a row of Rex’s hand in my cunt…begloved, and lubed, and god, if these “black gloved hand in cunt” pictures aren’t my favorite in the set…and some of my favorite of me ever.

Safer sex is a compromise.  You can do your absolute best. You can do nothing. Or you can be like me, and meet somewhere in the middle, and figure out how to make it work. I will not go down w/o a barrier on someone I haven’t become fluid bonded with…but I will fuck them.  My toys are almost all sterilizable (expect my wood one, which is just for me), so I can use them without barriers.

But black gloves? I will use them as much as I possibly can…because really, is there anything hotter?

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

PS: Trouble from NoFauxxx.com is on my radio show on Radio Dentata tonight at 9pm EST/6pm PST – make sure you tune into listen!

Anyone want to buy me a ticket to NYC in March? 

You may be asking why…the answer?

Kink For All

Vitals

======

What: A no-limits sex-positive gender and sexuality unconference.

Why: To inspire a creative, interactive and open environment where everyone feels comfortable talking, learning, and being inspired by all kinds of sexuality.

When: March, 2009 (exact date yet to be determined)

Where: NYC (We’re still looking for a venue! Can you help? See ‘Get Involved,’ below!)

Who: Everyone

How much: Free (as in beer as well as freedom)

Details

=======

KinkForAll is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people of the kink, queer, sex-positive and related communities to share and learn in an open environment. It is an intense event with discussions, presentations, and interaction from all participants.  (It is inspired by the BarCamp community.)

ANYONE WITH SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE OR WITH THE DESIRE TO LEARN IS WELCOME AND INVITED TO JOIN. When you attend, be prepared to share with others. When you leave, be prepared to share it with the world.

A KinkForAll is a special kind of gathering because there are no spectators, only participants. Attendees must give a talk or a presentation, help with one, or otherwise volunteer/contribute in some way to support the event. This is called sharing and we like it. All presentations are scheduled the day they happen—there are no pre-scheduled presentations or keynote addresses. The people present at the event will select the presentations they want to see.

Anyone can present, on any topic related to sexuality. You do not necessarily have to teach a new skill or idea. You might share an experience, review a product, or read a poem. The goal is to start a discussion, make connections, and exchange knowledge. Presentations promoting specific commercial products or companies are discouraged.

Learn more about what to expect at

http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/WhatToExpect

Learn more about the event guidelines at

http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/TheRulesOfKinkForAll

Get Involved

============

We need your help in spreading the word. Please help by participating. Here’s how:

1. Get excited by reading the ideas on http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/KinkForAllNewYorkCity

2. Add your name or handle to the list of participants

3. Join the mailing list and introduce yourself by emailing kinkforall@googlegroups.com

If you have access to a venue, or know someone who has access to a venue, please email the kinkforall@googlegroups.com mailing list with that information.

Still have questions? Read the Frequently Asked Questions at

http://kinkforall.pbwiki.com/FrequentlyAskedQuestions

or email kinkforall@googlegroups.com for more details.

KinkForAll Online

=================

Participate online before the event at your favorite social networking web site.

Homepage: http://KinkForAll.org

Google: http://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall

Twitter: http://twitter.com/KinkForAll

Identica: http://identi.ca/kinkforall

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/KinkForAll/40066342762

All primary organizational efforts are being coordinated via the mailing list. Join for free and help turn ideas into realities!

http://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall

I got a question from a reader…more like an issue, that she’d like answer/discussed on here. And who am I to say no to such a sweet, polite, and loyal reader?!?!

I’ve been reading your blog for ages, and I absolutely adore it…it’s one of my favorite things I read online. I’ve noticed you talk about your body type, and that you seem very secure in your body. I had a really excessively emotionally abusive boyfriend before the absolutely amazing one I have now (this is a for-life type of relationship, quite apparently). But, at any rate, the last boyfriend made my jealously practically unbearable (you would not believe the stuff I get jealous over!) and my ability to see myself as attractive is practically non-existent. Add to that the fact that I’ve put on some weight since I started my current relationship, and you have a recipe for disaster, or at least major self-loathing. I’m curious about how you got secure in your looks in a society that seems to think only blond tits-on-a-stick is attractive. My boyfriend prefers curves and brunettes, so at least *he’s* accepting of different looks, but alas, my programming is all-too-functional. Any advice you can impart would be much appreciated. And you can feel free to post this letter on your blog if you’d so wish.

Thanks very much,
M

Ok M. Realizing that you HAVE low self esteem about your body is the first step in fixing it. Do I sound like a 12 step instructor yet? If so, sorry.

It’s not an easy process. Everything in society tells us to hate our bodies. Ads on the radio, tv, in magazines, on billboards; they all tell us we’re too fat, too short, too tall, too lanky, too awkward, too busty, not busty enough, curvy in the wrong places, not curvy. Add on all the things you can buy; diet pills, gym memberships with personal training, creams to take away wrinkles, creams to make things perky, to make things soft, to get rid of acne, to cover grey hairs, to make hair brighter, to make your skin glow, to make you skin less shiny. Everything tells us to hate our bodies.

And then, with all this self-hatred, all it takes is a partner NOT TELLING US we’re hot/beautiful/pretty/lovely/sexy/______. We don’t need someone to tell us we’re not; society has already done that for us. We just need a lack of validation. And if we’re unlucky enough to end up with someone that DOES judge us on the way we look, and worse yet, is emotionally abusive about it, well, then who can blame us for having a really skewed body image of ourselves?

I used to HATE my body. HATE it. My mother was always telling me I was too heavy; my house was filled with snackwells, skim milk, diet soda, frozen yogurt, etc. I was too big for “normal” food. Then there was the clothing issue. Torrid (see my wish list on the right to see what genius clothing they have!) didn’t exist until I was in HS, and by then it was too late. I’d spent years having to shop in different clothing sections, and once I hit HS, I hated having to go to “special stores” to find clothes that fit, and then of course, nothing was as “cool” and “hip” as I wanted to be.

Then I got to college. My first college boyfriend was anorexic (and possibly full other other eating disorders), making me feel even more insecure about my weight. He never told me I was pretty, he told me what to wear to look skinnier, he told me I was “different.” Then my next boyfriend told me my breasts were too big. As someone with DDs, and hearing from everyone everywhere that breasts were “the bigger, the better,” to hear from the guy I was dating that mine were too big was ridiculously hard.

Ok, enough of my sob story. How do you fix it?

I can give you the ways that have helped me. Please note: I have days where I feel fat and ugly, days where I think about doing anything I can to lose weight, days where I curl up with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and cry. So please don’t think that I love 100% of my body 100% of the time.

Here are some ideas:

*Find friends that are good friends. They will love you regardless of your appearance, and if they’re good friends, they will help make you feel good about your body. When you look good, they will tell you. When you look silly, they will tell you, and then you’ll be more likely to believe them when they DO tell you that you look beautiful.

*Figure out your style, what you like, what makes you feel good, what looks good on you. For me, it’s low cut shirts. I like my cleavage. I wear blacks, reds and blues, because they look good on me. I love lots of halter tops, because they provide support, and I feel comfortable in them. I do pin-up and 50′s inspired outfits, because that’s a look that celebrates curves, instead of trying to hide them. Find YOUR look, and then go on a thrift store shopping spree, and build up a wardrobe that you feel comfortable and hot wearing.

*Get someone you trust to take black and white nude photos. I know, it sounds crazy. Take off everything, and get down to exactly what it is that bothers you, that you don’t like, that makes you feel uncomfortable. Now, figure out your favorite body parts, the parts you DO like. Accentuate them. And ps, the back of your knees and you pinky fingers don’t count (been there, done that). I want legit body parts; feet, legs, hands, arms, breasts, ass, back, whatever it is. Take the pictures. Put them on your computer. Look at them. Print your favorites out if you can. Put them where you’ll see them. Look at your beautiful body, and love it.

*Learn to take a compliment. I’m still working on this one. When your partner tells you something nice, say thank you, and then stop talking. This is bloody hard, I KNOW. Say whatever you have to inside your head (he’s just saying that, etc), but don’t say it out loud. Say thank you. And then once you can do that, then work on quieting the voice in your head. Eventually (I think), you’ll be able to better accept that he’s being genuine.

*Put away your scale — give it away if you have to. Numbers don’t mean everything, or really, anything. Cover up your mirror for a day or two. Realize that there is so much more to likes than looking like a socially constructed beauty. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

*Write a list of everything you DO like about yourself…actually, make two. One mental, one physical. And if he’s into it, ask your partner to do the same about you. Put them in your purse. Look at them at least once a day, more often if you can. Realize your true beauty; both the beauty you see, and that others do (get your friends to do it too! Make it a true beauty night, and do it like yearbooks — everyone makes a little list for everyone).

*It sounds like you might want to go talk to a therapist too, and process this abusive relationship, so you can move on to your new and awesome relationship. Just a thought.

Hope these have helped. Readers, if you have any other suggestions, or feel I really put my foot in my mouth, please feel free to comment!

-Essin’ Em

Something that’s talked about a lot in straight communities, but is almost never mentioned in queer communities is HPV (the Human Papilloma Virus), because people seem to be under the impression that lesbians never get it.

Yeah, not true.

First of all, there are the lesbians that at sometime in their life, were sexually active with male bodied people; before they came out, or after. It happens. Guess what? That puts them at risk.

And then there are people that share toys, or play with themselves and then their partner (or vice versa) without waiting to have that nifty little conversation about past history, STI possibilities, when each of their last tests was, etc.

So yeah, every person with a cunt has a possible risk of HPV.

I’ve heard stories (and read studies about) of women who came out to their OB-GYNs and were told that they didn’t need STI testing, or at the very least, they didn’t need a Pap because they weren’t currently sexually active with me. I’m calling bullshit on this one; everyone who has two holes (well, actually three, if you count the urethra…) should be getting a Pap on a yearly basis.

Now, if you’re between the ages of 9 and 26 (and some clinics will give it to people older than that; my friend is in her 30s and had the series), AND you believe in getting vaccinated (many people don’t and that is fine too), I highly recommend Gardasil, which is the three-shot series of vaccinations that prevents against the 4 known types of cervical cancer causing HPV. You can get it at most doctors offices (my GP had it), at your gyno, your local Planned Parenthood, etc. Please note, this doesn’t mean you can just have unprotected sex (um, hello to all the other STIs running rampant, as well as the fact that there are over 100 types of HPV), but it does mean you have a SIGNIFICANTLY lower chance of getting cervical cancer, which gets an A+ in my book.

Interesting Facts About HPV (care of the CDC, Planned Parenthood, and my expensive Master’s):
*HPV is the most common STI in America
*HPV affects female AND male bodied people (male bodied people are far less likely to realize that they have it, and are most often unknowing carriers)
*Areas affected can include the vulva, the vagina, the cerix, the anus and the penis. Oh boy!
*Most people think HPV = genital warts. However, not all of the strands of HPV produce genital warts, so this is a misnomer.
*HPV has also been correlated to other genital cancers, other than just cervial
*Most common way to get HPV is through vaginal or anal intercourse (including shared dildos/cocks)
*Numbers differ, but somewhere between 50% and 80% of sexually active people will get HPV at some point in their life
*Many people’s bodies clear HPV from their system naturally. Crazy, I know.
*However, there is treatment for the cell changes in the cervix from HPV that may lead to cervical cancer, which is why it’s important to get tested.
*There is apparently now an HPV test on the market, which doesn’t actually test in general for HPV, but is part of the Pap smear process (if you so choose), and is far more accurate in detecting cervical cancer (or the cells headed that direction) than just a Pap. There IS NO TEST for just HPV running around your body, not as of yet. See the video about the test below.

Moral of the story: GET A PAP EVERY YEAR! And use protection (which includes covering your toys with a condom, sterilizing them, or getting a new one for each partner). And get the vaccine if you’re into that kind of thing.

The less preachy, more fun part?

I have HPV swag. Wait, that just sounds wrong. I have HPV prevention and education swag!

The first three people who email me with one thing they will do to take care of their bodies today (doesn’t have to be HPV oriented, but it’s important to take care of your whole self), with their mailing address (or their friend’s, or their work’s), will get: a stick of “Choose to Know” (choose to know your status…it’s their new slogan) chapstick, a “Choose to Know” purse/pocket mirror, a “Choose to Know” bracelet, and since I love you so much, 90 minutes of FREE porn (viewers choice of tens of thousands of movies) at HotMoviesForHer.com, home of all kinds of delicious porn.

Want in? Email me at essinem at gmail dot com. Comments about what you’re doing to take care of yourself are also welcome, but see, I can’t send something to a blogger profile, so only the people that email will win stuff.

Want more info? Ask me, look it up at Planned Parenthood, The Center for Disease Control, or if you want it on a cute site, Scarleteen.com.

Take care of yourself, take care of your body.

-Essin’ Em

Video about the HPV test

I was thinking the other day about all the different items I’ve taken that totally were NOT meant to be sexual (just ordinary, everyday items) that I have perverted some how over the years and turned into various sexual implements…

Examples of things I’ve used (and for what):

*Clothespins (nipple clamps)

*Spatula (spanking toy)

*Basting brush (sensation play)

*Electric toothbrush (vibrator)

*Massaging shower head (vibrator)

*Vibrating hair brush (vibrator)

*Markers (dildos)

*Hairbrush (dildo)

*Hairbrush (spanking)

*Fork (sensation play/scratching)

*Saran wrap (bondage, forced orgasms)

*Frozen glass bottles (sensation play)

*Hair ties (bondage)

*Over the bed dorm room storage unit (bondage)

*Spine straightening body pillow (wedge for better angles)

*Hair clips (nipple play)

*Bobby pins (nipple play)

*Fridge magnet clips (nipple play)

*Leopard print bag from Bath and Body Works (Safer Sex Bag for parties)

*Gift bag with Peter Rabbit (Bag o’ condoms, gloves and dams)

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head, but I’m sure there are more. Moreover, I’m sure y’all can come up with some great ones. So what “normal,” everyday items have YOU perverted, all in the name of healthy and fun sexuality?

SHARE!

-Essin’ Em

I love lube. You know I do. When I am not playing with silicone toys, I love me some Eros Bodyglide (which just so happens to be made in Germany…hmmm…die Deutsch know what is up), and when I need something silicone compatible, I love Aqua, by Pjur (um, also German. I’m sensing a theme).

I don’t think enough people use lube. Seriously. When I’m with guys, I usually have to do the whole “no, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m on anti-histamines, which means I don’t lube up as much and blah blah blah blah blah” thing to explain why I’ve busted out a bottle of the good stuff. Um…hello? It makes sex BETTER. Why the hell wouldn’t you want to use it? If I’m not lubricating, it gives me some. If I’m a little lubricating, it gives me more. And if I’m dripping, well then, let’s add some in the middle when I’m drying up so we don’t start a fire (there is a reason people jokingly call sex between lesbians a bushfire – friction with no lube = BAD). Lube = GOOD.

I use lube when I masturbate. I use lube when I finger people. I use lube (if I have it) of the flavored variety when I give blow jobs….Eden doesn’t carry it, but I have this AWESOME strawberry flavored lube by “sex tarts” that tastes like jolly ranchers, with no after taste (they also make grape, green apple, etc). I use flavored lube when I eat people out. I DEFINITELY use it when my fist is going in someone’s cunt. If we’re using toys? Out comes the water based lube. Yay lube! When we tried anal(and decided it wasn’t for us), lube was out best friend. So I just really don’t get why people don’t love lube?

I love the feeling of lube being dripped on me…sometimes my partner (or maybe I’ll do it myself) will warm it up in their hands, and then rub it on my cunt and my clit, getting my nice and dripping and slippery, ready for whatever comes next (hopefully me!). Sometimes, I like it when it’s room temp on my hot cunt. Occasionally, I’ll be tied up, and they’ll let it drip out of the bottle onto my burning clit, and it feels freeeeeeezing. I LOVE that.

Lube drying up a little (water based, not silicone)? Keep a squirt gun by the bed and reactivate it with a little shot or two of water. Less fun minded (or quirky) than I am? Spit will do the trick, a few flicks of water, anything with water. Don’t keep adding lube – it’ll just get gummy!

Anyways, why the emphasis on lube? Well, the researchers at Indiana University have decided to FINALLY do a study on women and lube. Yay! Now, the study (I just registered for it) is not the most up to date on gender issues For example, under the qualifying questions, it asked if my “gender was female.” Um. Sex is female. Gender is ________. So I give you that warning. It is a study about women, so it is not open to anyone male, and I assume that means anyone male bodied who identifies as a woman, sorry :( ***EDIT I’ve finished the sign up process, and in the background info, they do ask your gender, and the options are woman, man, trans FTM and trans MTF, so apparently they are letting people of all genders participate, so know I’m really confused*** But I still think it is a very important study, and they are looking for over 1000 participants. If you participate (it’s all done online), you get sent lube in the mail to use for the study (you do have to give them a mailing address), and if you complete the study, you get a $25 gift card, and get entered to win a $100 gift card…and you’ve helped with important research. YAYAYAYYAAY!

So, participate if you’d like.

Essin’ Em

Here’s the info:

Our research team at Indiana University is recruiting adult women (18
and older) to participate in what is, to our knowledge, the first ever
systematic study of lubricant use among women.

Many women use lubricants during sexual activity alone or with a partner
and for many different reasons including to make sex more comfortable,
to reduce pain, to reduce the risk of tearing during sex, to feel more
pleasure, because they are curious, or because their partner wants to
use a lubricant. Other women have never used a lubricant during sexual
activity that occurs alone or with a partner.

The study that we are recruiting for, the Women’s Sexual Health Study,
takes place entirely online. Women who participate in the study will
receive three bottles of water-based lubricant or silicone-based
lubricant and will be asked to use it during sexual activity that occurs
alone or with a partner, and to respond to online questionnaires about
their experiences.

Please feel free to forward this email to colleagues, friends or members
of your organization who may be interested in learning more about this
study. Women who would like to read additional information about the
study and decide whether they would like to participate can go to this
web site: www.womenshealth.iu.edu

If you have additional questions about the study, please feel free to
send us an email at cshp@indiana.edu or call 812.855.0364.

Thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Debby Herbenick, PhD.

Associate Director, Center for Sexual Health Promotion School of Health,
Physical Education and Recreation Indiana University Bloomington, IN
47405

Woohoo! My piece on Sex and Disability is up over at EdenFantasys.com, so if you get a chance, you should go check it out. It’s not the best thing ever written by any means, but I did research it, and think it’s pretty snazzy (obviously, since I did write it). It’s important to realize that everyone in our society is a sexual being, regardless of their able-bodied-ness, so if you, one of your partners, of anyone your know happens to have a differently abledness of some sort, send ‘em on over.

And if I put my foot in my mouth (which I am probably no longer flexible enough to do), please tell me. I only try to write and sound smart – it doesn’t mean that I actually am.

Sex and Disability at EdenFantasys.com

Essin’ Em