Sexuality Happens

I like Amanda Palmer quite often. I’m still out on how I feel about her Evelyn Evelyn project, which deals with a faux discovered set of coinjoined twins (hence my issue with the project). However, usually, I think she’s pretty rad.

Recently, I discovered this video by AFP (Amanda Fucking Palmer) which is about pubic hair (watch out, it’s very catchy):

Now, the video is awesome, I love the fabulous merkins (vulva wigs), the beat is rocking…but I have some issues with the message. I totally 100% believe that we need to do away with the myths that a shaved vulva is sexier, that natural hair is gross, that shaving/waxing/etc is a cleaner option, and so on. Obviously, these are all bullshit, and just one more way to control women and their bodies.

HOWEVER, I’ve talked about this before and I’ll talk about it again. It is NOT sex positive or feminist in anyway to tell people that what they CHOOSE to do to their body is wrong, or as this song puts it “whack.” Vagina Monologues (which has its other issues as well) has a piece called Hair, in which it says “You cannot love the Vagina unless you love hair.” First of all, this is anatomically incorrect, as the vulva is where there is hair, not the vagina…and secondly, it tells those people that like the feel of having less/styled/different/no public hair that they clearly don’t love their vulva/vaginas or those of a partner.

I have done almost everything that there is to do with pubic hair (except dying it). I have cut it, styled it, shaved it, waxed it (never again — way too fucking expensive), etc. It is certainly NOT for any male gaze. And I identify as a sex positive woman and with parts of the femininist movement. Does this mean that I don’t love my vulva? That I’m wack? NO. I like the sensations of toys and tongues both with and without hair, and enjoy the differences that hair does and doesn’t provide. Some months I grow it out, other months I chop it off. My public hair and how I style it does not define me as a person, or whether or not a love female assigned genitala. The end.

I don’t know what the answer is. How do we reclaim the sexiness of having hair as an option without stepping on shavers/waxers/etc? It’s the same as how can we run the fat positive movement without saying horrible things about skinny people? (some people are naturally a size two, and yet often times the FP movement talks about them as if they are bulimic or anorexic when they are not, or calls them skinny bitches, etc). To be truly sex positive, or the type of feminist I identify as involves elevating global thinking WITHOUT HURTING others. When we step on people, say hurtful things, call them names, etc, solely in order to futher our own thoughts about things, we set all of us back.

So yes, I will probably continue to sing this song under my breathe, and I will DEFINITELY be using Map of Tasmania in the future. But Amanda Fucking Palmer, Eve Ensler, and the rest of you? Please stop judging people for choices that they make. Pubic hair is NOT gross…but not having it doesn’t make you a bad person, a failure as a woman, or even whack.

-Essin’ Em

Today, November 20th, is National (and International) Transgender Day of Remembrance. In the last few years (and this video is from last year, so there are more names and faces to be sadly added), over 100 people have been murdered for their gender identity/presentation. This doesn’t even take into account the hundreds and possibly THOUSANDS of people who are assaulted based on their gender, and tens of thousands more who are harassed each and every day.

Please watch this video. Again, it’s a year old, so many people are missing, but if you cannot take nine minutes out of your life to remember those who we have lost due to violence against the transgender community, what does that say? After you watch it, please think for a moment, or two, or ten, what YOU can do to create change in your community, in our community. How can we make it stop? This is completely unacceptable and heartbreaking. No one should have to be scare to leave their home due to their gender, and they should certainly not be scared of being killed. This is flat out wrong, and regardless of your politics, or religion, or moral views, is is NEVER ok to hurt and/or murder someone because of who they are. Ever.

If we don’t stand up and create this change, no one will. Stand up for people who are being harmed and whose voices are being heard. Create change, NOW. And always, always remember those we have lost.

-Essin’ Em

Fascinations has made a bunch of awesome stickers, many of which have sayings of mine of them. Here is a mock up of one of them — we gave all of them out at the Rainbows Festival this weekend and they were incredibly popular.  How awesome is this?

Funny story. Today is Sexual Freedom Day, and tonight, I’m going to be teaching people about communication with their partners and cunnilingus. I think teaching people how to have better sex definitely falls under sexual freedom.

But that’s not the only way I’m celebrating sexual freedom day…

I’m going to write about it. Because I am lucky enough to have the freedom to write/blog/share about my sexuality, about my own journey, about sexuality education and more.

Why is sexual freedom important? Because you probably don’t have as much of it as you think you do. Many states still have laws on the books outlawing sodomy — which is usually defined as anal sex, but sometimes includes oral sex. Yes, that’s right. Depending on where you live, it may be illegal to suck your partners cock, go down on your lover, or even do it in the butt.  Granted, these laws are not enforced usually, mostly due to Lawrence vs. Texas…however, they are still on the book.

What about if you live with your partner, but choose not to get married. You may have just as committed relationship as a married couple, but you are denied the same rights. And what if not getting married isn’t a choice? Yeah. No recourse.

How about kink? Do you know in some states, I can’t teach kink classes, because flagellating (usually flogging, but can be definine as spanking, whipping, etc) someone for money…even if it I’m making it as a class fee, and am flogging a demo bottom, is considered illegal? I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous.

Not to mention sex workers. Who is a sex worker? Phone sex operators, porn stars, escorts, pro dommes, sex surrogates and more. Some of their activities are legal, some of them aren’t. However, most sex workers I know file taxes, volunteer in their communities, and are upstanding citizens…yet are treated differently by the rest of society because somehow the work that they do (that oh so many people enjoy) is not “real work” or is unacceptable.

Sexual freedom is not being scared of being fired if someone finds out you’re kinky. It’s having equal rights, regardless of gender/orientation. It’s passing a law that makes it illegal to fire someone for being LGBTQ or having a non-traditional gender identity/presentation. It’s taking stupid anti-sex laws off the books. It’s creating a climate where people can come out from their pen names and handles, and talk about sex in a positive light. Sexual freedom is not policing people for their identities, jobs, or actions.

We are a long way away from this sexual freedom utopia, but every step you take, every time you speak up, speak out…we’re creating change.

So tell me, what does sexual freedom mean to you, and how are you trying to achieve it?

Thanks to The Woodhull Foundation for putting together this Sexual Freedom Blog Carnival. Check out the Woodhull Foundation and their work towards increased sexual freedom.

-Essin’ Em

Hey all!

If you’re in NY, or any of the surrounding areas, or want to meet a bunch of sex bloggers, sexuality educators, porn stars and more, all in one place at one time (while supporting sexual freedom), then read on. Well, read on any ways. I’m one of the calendar models this year — here is a picture from my shoot (although not one IN the calendar):

Photo Credit: Marty Carstens

Hope to get to meet you in NYC!

-Essin’ Em

New York, NY (September 10, 2010) – Tied Up Events enlisted a group of the most dynamic online sex-positive writers, models and porn stars from across the nation and Canada, along with a stellar group of photographers to create the 3rd Annual New York Sex Blogger 2011 Limited Edition Calendar.

This year’s calendar will raise funds to support Woodhull Freedom Foundation. Woodhull is a national organization whose mission is to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

Woodhull envisions a world that recognizes sexual freedom as the fundamental human right of all individuals to develop and express their unique sexuality; to be personally autonomous with regard to bodily integrity and expression; and to enjoy sexual dignity, privacy and consensual sexual expression without societal or governmental interference, coercion or stigmatization.

Woodhull is dedicated to expanding the national dialog around sex and sexuality and to being the resolute national voice that consistently raises the interconnections between various identities, communities, and the issue of sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

Portraying Visions of Sexual Freedom in the calendar are Bad Bad Girl, Brandon B, Coy Pink, Dangerous Lilly, Essin’ Em, Gloria Brame, Jiz Lee, Lillith Grey, Luna, Matthew Lawrence, Max Lagos, Mollena Williams, Nina Hartley, Radical Vixen, Sadie Smythe and Sovereign Syre. A full biography of each calendar model is available at http://www.sexbloggercalendar.com/2011-models/.

The calendar launch party will be held on Friday, October 1st, 2010, at Fontana’s, 105 Eldridge St, NYC, from 6:30 – 9:30. Not only is the party free but the first 200 guests will receive FREE gift bags stuffed with $10 gift certificates from Fascinations, fun items from Bachelorette.com, Pearl Drop vibes from Good Vibrations, cock rings from Professor Oni and Sugar and Crystal Delights, free porn cards from Hot Movies for Her, pens and a special surprise from Whore Magazine, Eros Lube courtesy of Tabu Toys, a coupon for a free vibrator from Pleasure Chest and much more.

One of the highlights of our parties has always been our raffle with its phenomenal prize packages and this year is no different. Our sexy raffle prizes include the ultimate sex toy – the Njoy Eleven, an erotica libraries donated by Alison Tyler for Pretty Things Press and by Cleis Press, photo shoots by several notable photographers including JM Darling, a bible purse and three year membership from Kink Academy, a rope kit and gift certificates from Maui Kink, a gift bag full of hand-made sensual goodies from Williamburg’s Shag, a leather collar, cuffs, leash, flogger and sexy t-shirt from Stockroom, romance baskets from My Pleasure, OhMiBod and Vibrators.com, a silky, sensual Lelo blindfold and Evolved vibrator from Tabu Toys, two (2) all access passes to Cinekink, the kinky film festival, a gift basket from Good Vibes, and, because our generous supporters keep adding items every day, more.

Our party would not be a Tied Up Events production without some sensationally sexy performances. Produced by NYC’s one and only, N, of Crimson Kitty Productions and Auralfixia, there will be spoken performances by Carol Queen, Nina Hartley and Dylan Ryan, sensual belly dance by Luna and burlesque performed by Lillith Grey of Gloryhole Girls and, of course, N. Go-go dancers will also be weaving and shimmying their way through the crowd. Also featured will be Professor Oni, the founder of Lifestyle Images and the first and only “Endorphin Engineer” brings his Bakushi (Japanese Rope Bondage Artist) talents to the party in a unique “Decorative Micro Bondage Salon”. Using rope as fine as 1mm in diameter, he creates custom designs on hands, feet, bodies and even hair. This bondage is not for restraint, but rather for relishing and releasing the beauty within and without each and every body

If you are unable to attend the launch party, you can still buy your limited edition copy of the calendar directly through the Sex Blogger Calendar website.

About the NYC Sex Blogger 2011 Limited Edition Calendar:
For the latest news, a complete list of bios of each sex blogger featured in the calendar, our sponsors, and our Community of friends, please visit the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Website (http://sexbloggercalendar.com).

First, we have Drew Devereaux and Buck Angel talking about important health care exams for people who identify as trans.

And this one is 100% Buck Angel and his awesome-sauce-ness about trans guys, and their health care.

Thank you to both of these fabulous performers for bringing attention to such an important sexuality issue. Way to go you two – thanks so much for talking about trans men with cervixes, and trans women with prostates, and all sorts of other differences that might keep people out of the doctor’s offices, when they really need check ups just as much as anyone else.

If you have good suggestions for resource lists for doctors who are LGB and especially T and Q friendly, please feel free to share!

-Essin’ Em

Are you in the Denver Metro Area? Would you like to hear me talk about full spectrum sexuality and sensational sex toys? I’ll be speaking at the Fascinations in Arvada, CO tomorrow night at 7pm.  It is free to all attendees, and every one who sits through the class will get a $10 gift card, as well as refreshments and an entry in a raffle.

Sexuality is so much more than just sex acts, than identity, than why lube is love. It is all these things combined and so much more, and I hope to help you expand your knowlege of sexuality, and of course, what sex toys are designed for, which ones are body safe, and so much more.

Hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

As some (many) of you know, I’m a model for the 2011 Sex Blogger Calendar, scheduled to be released October 1st (in NYC — I’ll be there, so will all the models like Jiz Lee, Mollena and Nina Hartley!).

Right now, there are 180 (probably less by the time you read this) days for sale on the calendar. How does it work? Basically, it’s $25 for a day, 5 days for $100. You get to put 80 characters of whatever you’d like on that day.  Wish someone a happy birthday. Celebrate a blogiversary. Rock out with your cock out. Promote your company. Whatever it is you’d like to do.  All proceeds go to the Woodhull Foundation for Sexual Freedom. Also, if you pre-order now, it’s $40 for both a calendar AND a day, so you save $5!

Click here to order your days.

-Essin’ Em

Want to get me a day as present that gives towards sexual freedom?  Here are some ideas:

October 18th: My 5th year blogiversary

December 17th: Me and Q’s anniversary

October 9th: The day Q and I are planning to get married

June 9th: My half birthday! (which I totally celebrate)

May 2011: Us moving back to Colorado!

January 21st: The first time Q and I had sex

October 2nd: Day I got Kinsey

January 23rd: Day I got Kali

Nov 1st: Day Q and I moved in together

I don’t use condoms as often as some people, it’s true. Sometimes I use them to cover sex toys, others I used to use on my Hitachi (that is, before I got the amazing Off with Your Head Hitachi Cover), and of course, I often use them to present. Not really enough to need to carry them around in my purse, or so one might think. So why is it, exactly, that I am carrying around a Just in Case Condom Case (other than it fundraises money for YouthAIDS with each purchase)?

Why? Because A) it can also fit little foil lube packs folded in half, which is brilliant, because really, doesn’t everyone need lube at some point?  B) While I don’t need condoms very often, other people do. I get asked if I have an extra condom running around almost as often as I get asked if I have an extra tampon or pad, which is fairly often. I have an epic reputation as being super prepared, and this, of all things, should definitely not be an exception. Always happy to help. And C) this particular condom case is different than most of the others I’ve seen/owned (and I’ve owned a few in my time). The reason is that it opens in two ways; one of the condom(s)/lube, and one for the mirror — it not only LOOKS like a compact like most condom cases; it actually IS one.

Now, it does come in other colors, like gold, but obviously I like the red better. It’s a sassier color, plus with the purchase of each Just in Case RED condom cases, they donate a percentage (not sure quite how much) to YouthAIDs, aiding in the fight against AIDS. Just by getting a condom case to keep you, your friends, your family and loved ones safe, you’re working against AIDS. How awesome is that?

It’s a little pricey, yes, but it’s fairly good quality, and condom cases tend to last a while. I still have the one I got when I was sixteen at my high school graduation. Get one, keep it, use it, pass it on, and enjoy!  Five stars (out of five). I really liked this concept, this case, and this whole line.

Click here to get your very own Just in Case Condom Case, and give back to the fight against AIDS.

-Essin’ Em