Sexuality Happens

This is a repost from ShannaKatz.com for the most part. For those who don’t follow me on Twitter or Facebook, I’m heading to San Francisco this week. Q will be at a higher ed conference, and I’m going to put on some classes/workshops, as well as meet up with some of my favorite sex positive people.

Hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

I’m heading out to one of my favorite cities this week; beautiful San Francisco. While out there, I’ll be presenting not one, not two, not even three, but four classes/workshops AND I’ll be reading erotica with the lovely Rita Seagrave and dashing Patrick Califia.

What’s the 411 on what’s going on? Well, you can always check my schedule, but I’ll break it down for you here as well.

February 25th – I’ll be at the Center for Sex and Culture talking about Relationship Mapping and Poly 101. Click here to get more info.

February 26th – I’ll be presening my famous Vaginal Fisting for One and All at the CSC. Click here to get more info.

February 27th – Today is a busy day, as I’m part of Sizzle at Femina Potens. At 2pm, I’m talking about BDSM 101 (click here for info/tickets). At 4pm, I’m presenting Sexability, about sex and dis/ability (click here for info/tickets). Then at 8pm, I’m reading erotica (click here to get info/tickets).

There you go folks; 5 opportunities to come learn, chat, grown and talk about sex with me. I’ll be available after each class/workshop to talk more one and one, and I certainly hope to see many of you (of those in the Bay Area) at one or more of these events!

Since moving to Arizona, I’ve tried to get involved in many communities, including multiple facets of the kink community here in Phoenix.  Within the first two weeks, we’d joined three groups, been to a kink carnival and orientation, and a women only play party, not to mention a munch or two. I tried to meet people, to make things work, to fit in.

While we made a few select friends, for the most part, we didn’t fit. There are very few queer identified people out and about to start, and even less in the kink community. In several groups, we’re the only queer identified couple.  At the women’s only event, I received a little bit of femme bashing, and Q felt incredibly out of place. And queerness aside, we felt very out of place because we not attach a D/s dynamic to our relationship, and it seems as though almost everyone here is very staunchly identified as top or bottom, Dom(me) or sub, and we don’t.  We don’t even identify as switches.  While occasionally she’ll call me Mistress during sex, or I’ll call her Sir while all tied up, we don’t play with power much. We’re just kinky, and that doesn’t seem to be an option.

I decided to start a new group here; AlternaKink. For those of us who don’t play within the typical power structure of BDSM, those who are queer or have different gender presentations and don’t feel comfortable in the current spaces, for those who like to laugh while playing, and who are alternative.

And cue the storm of “oh my god, you’re a horrible person, you’re not community oriented, you’re fracturing the community.”  Never mind that I specifically noted that I respected the other groups, planned to stay of member of them, and was just trying to create a safe space and additional options.  There aren’t even parties every weekend here, none the less a choice of “should we go here, or here.”

Apparently, everytime someone has tried to start another group here, they’ve been shouted down, told that they’re community wreckers, and been sabotaged in a variety of ways. Well, that actually comes after the guilt trip; I had comments, messages and wall posts telling me that the current (and only) public dungeon in Phoenix IS a safe space, is queer friendly, has no problems, and that I should just shut the fuck up (essentially). Then, there where the offers of having my new group meet at and rent space from the current (and only) public dungeon.  Why branch out? Stay here, with this dungeon, in the community. Don’t do your own thing. Don’t create a space. Here, come, drink the kool aid.

Please don’t tell me a space is safe if I don’t feel safe there. If I, who am stubborn and annoying and go out of my way to meet people, feel uncomfortable, judged, and unwelcome, don’t tell me that is invalid. If when I suggest going to a play party, my partner tells me she does not feel comfortable going there, do not tell me that I’m just “making things up” or “haven’t tried.”

Communities thrive when there are lots of branches of the same tree. In this anaology, the tree is kink. If there is only one big branch weighing down the whole tree (said public dungeon), nothing new grows, nothing thrives, and eventually, the tree falls over and dies.  If there are lots of groups, that create new opportunities and spaces (both physical and conceptual), their is constant growth, and the tree continues to grow and thrive over time. New buds come (new members joining the community), old buds bloom, and everything is well and good. I can be a member of and support a community by creating a new place for people who feel they don’t fit in the old one.

Sometimes I meet people who have been to one kink event, and hated it. They don’t want to go back because they don’t identify as D/s, or as part of a leather family, or because they got stared at for having full sleeves, or short hair cuts, or for appearing gender queer.  Instead of just telling these people (myself included) to fuck off and kick them to the curb, why not create a new space in the community, and welcome them with open arms.  While they may not be on the same main branch of the tree, they are at least IN the community, instead of feeling like outsiders.

I know, I’ve set myself up for a lot of crap coming my way. Yes, it’ll be a struggle. But our first coffee/tea meet up is tomorrow, and I have hope.

Why? Because I WANT to be part of this community. I don’t want to feel like I don’t fit in. I want to grow and change and have fun and play and light people on fire and beat them up, and hope is what makes change happen.

Lots of people have been asking me about how my new job at Fascinations as their Resident Sex Educator and Online Media Specialist is going. The answer? Just swimmingly.  As you can see above, they got our sex ed department a full sized vulva puppet, who we’ve named Vivian the Vivacious Vulva. Side note: a reader bought me a mini vulva puppet, who is ADORABLE, and who I’ve named Veronica, for when I do my own sex ed classes.

Anyways, the above picture is at a Let’s Talk Sex open house. We’ve been doing some sex ed classes, with Tristan Taormino and Oh Meghan, and are really looking to expand this spring.  We’ve got a whole list of awesome educators that I can’t tell you about till they’re confirmed, but it’s going to be super cool.

Obviously, I went to Vegas for the AEE and AVNs.  It was awesome. But we’ve already talked about that.  Let’s talk about new things.

We’ve stopped selling anal eaze, shrink creams and numbing balms on our site. You can read about it here.  Taking it out of stores will be a longer process that involves educating the customer, but we’re on that too.

We’ll be working with Sex 2.0 on sponsorship of this awesome event.

We’ll be doing video reviews on our blog.

We’re sending out other items to be reviewed and or given away on other blogs.

We’re consistantly rocking out on our facebook and twitter, including giveaways.

In many of our stores, we now carry Good Releasing titles, and will have them online soon!

Soon, we’ll have an awesome new affiliate program where we’ll have a 30% commission payout! (info coming on that).

We’ve brought some great sex education writers on board as well.

I got to go give an awesome safer sex/general sexuality talk to a dorm on the ASU campus…including tons of free condoms, lube, some dams, and toy giveways.

I also got to go with Q (not pictured obviously) to the Arizona Fetish Ball, as seen below:

Plus, we’re giving members of local kink organizations in AZ and CO 10% off of all in store purchases.

Yeah. While the whole getting up ridiculously early to get to work thing is frustrating (my ideal work schedule; 10am-7pm), I do love this job, and I’m so excited about the change we’re enacting at FunLove.com.

-Essin’ Em

Photo Credit: Hawksdream

To those of you who may have missed the multiple but sometimes not attention grabbing memos, I am, when not writing under this pen name, Shanna Katz, M.Ed.  Sexuality Educator and fisting faciliator and all that jazz.

In order to find out where I’m going to put on classes/workshops/trainings,etc, to hire me to teach/consult/train/lecture/etc, to learn about me, to find out about sex coaching I can provide, to contact me regarding sexuality education, etc…

I’d like to present the new, and oh so improved (thanks to the lovely AAG!), and accented with leopard print (of course!),

ShannaKatz.com

That is all. Please enjoy. I have some blog posts there (more educations/news based/informative) than the ones on here, I have my schedule, contact info, and so on.  Have fun, and enjoy your Saturday.

The lovely Thursday’s Child posed a question to me on my formspring the other day. Well, a few weeks back. It took me a while to answer, because I really wanted to figure out how to say what I meant.

And now I want to share it with you.  This was her question:

How has coming out in public as Essin’ Em affected both your personal and public life? Would you encourage other sex bloggers to come out and live openly as you do?

And this was my answer:

I’ve been very lucky.  And some of my luck was lucky (accepting friends/family, finding jobs I like within the adult industry, etc), and some of it was determination/stupidity (I am determined to make things I care about and find important acceptable enough for people to be able to talk about, and I don’t really give a flying moose’s ass if people don’t like me because I’m sex positive).

That said, sometimes it’s hard. When I broke up with F, I lost some readers that were her real life friends. But I don’t write for readers per se, so it was ok.  Conversely, when Q and I started getting serious, she asked me to take my blog link off of networked blogs on Facebook (it would post new content daily) because she didn’t want her friends reading about the sex we had. Now that Essin’ Em and Shanna Katz are much more synonymous, many of them have found my blog anyways. So Q and I talked, and she’s ok with that happening…but I can’t put it on FB now, cause I’m connected to her mother.

I understand that not everyone has the ability to “come out” as I have. Not everyone has a job that reveres (or even understands) their sexuality background. Some people have jobs that would fire them.  Some people have families that might reject them or judge them (AAG has had this issue). There are many reasons not to.

However, I never live in fear of being revealed. I never have to decide who gets to know my real name vs. my pen name. I never worry about what happens if I accidentally sign the wrong name, or if an affiliate program (goddess forbid) gets hacked. I can be proud of all the work I’ve done, including my blog (and as we all know, writing a regular blog IS a lot of work).

For those who can’t come out for safety (mental/emotional/physical) reasons, including family/work/etc, I validate. But to everyone else, if you CAN come out as someone who is sex-positive/queer/kinky/poly/etc, as someone who enjoys sexuality, as someone who talks about it in a non hush-hush way, then please do. The world needs to know that people have sex, and enjoy it, and that diversity amongst sexuality is ok.

I have the privilege of being able to “come out.” So I did. It’s hard at times, when I’m trying to protect Q, or when people who might creep me out add me on my Shanna Katz profile (I’ve since taken off more specific location info). But all in all, it’s worth it.

-Essin’ Em

Nothing is perfect, no matter how hard we try.

Sometimes people have asked me via email, twitter, comments and in person, how Q and I have this perfectly perfect relationship.

The answer is that it ISN’T perfect. But we communicate about the imperfections, and we move on.

There are nights when we’re falling asleep, and I wind up crying because she didn’t tell me she loved me before she passed out. It’s a weird issue I have from my dad dying when i was 13, and she’s usually REALLY good about it. But if I’m in vulnerable place already, and she’s tired and forgets, it might set me off.  So she hugs me and she holds me (after she asks if I’m crying and I valiantly try to shake my head and she tells me not to lie to her and I tell her I could never lie to her really), and we talk about what it was that set me off.

Or one of us brings up something about gender, and she cries, and I think I said something wrong, and it was really just the conversation about gender that set her off, and we talk about it, and hold each other, and discuss it and she lets it out, and we cuddle.

When we came back from New York, we had the worst fight we’d ever had.  Over the cat litter. Why? Neither of us had slept in two days, we hadn’t had any time alone as just us in five days, we’d been traveling all day, and were stressed. So I got frustrated that she was sleeping and Jasper was trying to pee outside the litter box because it was a mess and she’d forgotten to tell me we were out of litter and she got upset that I was frustrated, and kaBOOM. I left sobbing, driving to three groceries at midnight (all closed) trying to get cat litter.  Then I came home, and we crawled into bed, holding each other, telling each other how much we loved each other, and how sorry we were. The next day we talked about the fight, how it came to be, I bought cat litter, and she changed the litter boxes. Then we fucked. And we talked some more.

We talk about everything. Even if it seems little, menial or unimportant. I tell her when something she’s said doesn’t sit right with me. She tells me if I get over plan-y (as I am often). Little things, yes, but we talk about it before it becomes something big. We tell each other we love each other all the time. We set aside talking time. We have date night. We never ever go to bed angry, or at the very least without discussing it.

And that is why, even though our relationship is not perfect, even though each of us has a plethora of flaws and issues and nit-picking, we are able to maintain this wonderful relationship with one another, without driving each other crazy.

People ask what’s wrong with people today, why relationships don’t last. My thoughts? Turn off the TV. Shut the computer. Put your cell phone on stun. Talk to your partner. Not just about their day, but about them. How are they feeling? Are they happy/sad/mad/upset/worried/frustrated/satisfied/etc? What else do they need? What else do they want? If you can’t communicate with your partner (and they with you, and you each with yourselves), how can any relationship work?

-Essin’ Em

Re-posted from Good Vibrations Magazine

If you’ve been following pretty much any conversation on sex toys, you’ve probably heard about phthalates in toys, how they can be dangerous (or at least allergy causing), and how there are all sorts of awesome and amazing materials that are in fact phthalate-free.

Good on you. You’ve chosen to take charge of this part of your sexual health and pleasure, and you’ve bought a toy made of high quality plastic, steel, aluminum, silicone, ceramic, glass, wood, marble, granite, or another phthalate free material.  It probably cost slightly more than the cheap jelly toys we have all grown accustomed to buying, but you know it’ll be worth it.

But what happens when you want to clean this toy? Or just as importantly, when you want to share it with a new partner (or multiple new partners)? Most people can’t afford to buy new toys for each new lovers, but our Health Education teachers never taught us how to clean and how to sterilize our sex toys.

Cleaning them is easy. If you’re just wanting to clean the toy for use with yourself, or a fluid bound* partner, you can wash pretty much all sex toys with water and anti-bacterial soap.  The soap part is important, even if it’s just for yourself, or with a fluid bound partner. Why? Bacteria grows in your body and its fluids, and everyone has different bacteria. You even have different bacteria day-to-day. If you have a yeast infection, and don’t properly wash your toy, you can give it to your partner, or even give it back to yourself. 

After washing them, you can either air dry them, or try them with a towel (this may leave some lint on your toy, so you might want to rinse your toys off before using them). Remember not to put your toys into closed spaces while wet, especially not ziplock bags – this can cause mold to grow, and that is just gross.

Now, if you’ve made it through kindergarten, you’ve learned that sharing is caring.  If you are caring enough to share your toys, please make sure you’ve sterilized them first for any non fluid bound partners.

How, you may ask, do you sterilize toys?  Not all toys can be sterilized.  Jelly, plastic, acrylic and stone toys can NOT be sterilized. If you choose to share them, use a condom/glove to cover them.  Wood is debatable – I personally don’t share my wood toys, because I think it’s slightly porous despite the coating, but others will disagree with me.  Silicone, steel, aluminum, glass and ceramic are 100% sterilizable.

There are three ways to sterilize your toys.  Number one; wipe them down with a 10% bleach solution (mix bleach to water 1:10), then rinse them off before drying.  This is especially great for silicone vibrators, such as the Gigi and the Lily. Number two; boil your toys in plain ol’ water for three minutes.  I particularly like this for silicone dildos, as I can boil them all at once, like a stew of pretty colored cocks. You can use this method for any non-vibrating toys, including glass. Number three; this requires having a dishwasher. If you happen to have one, you can put all your sex toys on the top shelf, and run it with no soap/detergent.  In order to not waste water, I save them all up and run them at once, often with vases, and other dusty items.

As far as storing them, it’s always good to keep them away from dust (and in my case, epic amounts of cat hair).  You can put them in plastic bags, wrap them in non-linty fabric, or even invest in a sex toy storage case.

And that, dear readers, is the best way to take care of your toys, while sharing them with those you love and/or lust after.

*Fluid Bound means having made the decision with your partner(s) that you have both/all been tested for STIs, and feel comfortable sharing fluids with each other with using barriers (condom/dam/glove). Fluid bound partners can be non-monogamous, but generally choose to use barrier methods with their other partners.

 “Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Learned in School” is about educating people on all types of sex and sexuality…not just preventing pregnancy and STIs. For information on discussions, workshops, sex coaching, play parties, body-healthy sex toy parties and more, please visit www.ShannaKatz.com.

Last week was a crazy week. Follow up from my birthday, Channukah, our anniversary, getting a job (will write about it soon), etc.

Something I didn’t get to write about that I had wanted to was the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, which is December 17th (Q and my anniversary) every year. There are vigils, protests, conversations, panels, etc in honor of this day, and toward the goal of stopping violence against sex workers.  You can learn more at the Sex Worker Outreach Project’s website.

Why, you may ask, does this matter?

Firstly, NO ONE deserves violence against them. Period.  Not while they work, not at home, not period. Regardless of what you believe about sex workers, there should not be violence perpetrated against them.

Next, let’s look at sex workers.  What is a sex worker? It’s someone fulfilling a need, providing more of a full service customer service.  Instead of worrying about whether someone is satisfied with their filet mignon (or burger), or that blood diamond they just dropped the cost of a house on, sex workers are worrying about whether people feel cared for, whether they are getting their needs met.  Same work, just different medium.

Sex workers are porn stars, pro dommes, prostitutes, escorts, phone sex operators, sex surrogates, etc.  We are people, just like you. We work jobs in order to make money to survive. Some of us love our jobs, others don’t, just like you. We have good days, and bad days. We like some of our clients, we don’t like others, but can’t say that to their face, because they’re customers, and the customer is (almost) always right.

We are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, feminists, those with higher education, and those with no formal education, from all types of backgrounds. We all like connecting with people in some way, shape or form. Some of us have other jobs, others don’t. Some have pets, some hate animals. Some love bacon, others of us are vegetarians. We have days where we are insecure, and days where we feel like we’re on top of the world.

You don’t always know in your life who is a sex worker.  Who knows if one of your friends or family members is a sex worker? Why not stand up to stop violence against of group of people who live amongst you. We are human, just like you.  Do we deserve violence, scorn, police raid, hatred, etc?  Not any more than any other human, not in my book.

I take a moment to think of all those sex workers who have been hurt, maimed, killed, etc. And then hope that change is made.

-Essin’ Em

And it’s rant time.

You know what I hate? And before I go off on it, let me state that I have been guilty of this as well in the past, and may slip up.

I hate that we, as a society, equivocate not having an STI (or not knowing that you have one- you can have a full panel, and still miss some) as being “clean.” As in having an STI makes you unclean/dirty.

First of all, you can very a VERY dirty person, both physically (not showering, living in a filthy place, etc) or mentally, and NOT have an STI.  You can also be an incredibly clean person, again both physically and mentally, and live with an STI.  Cleanliness does not have anything to do with whether or not you have an STI.

So let’s put some other language around it. Instead of saying “I just got my STI tests back and I’m clean!” or “you don’t have anything to worry about – I’m clean,” let’s try “I just got my STI tests back and they are negative” or  ”you don’t have anything to worry about because I brought protection!” 

If someone has an STI, this does not eliminate them as either a potential partner or sexual being. I do believe in open honesty about ALL transferable medical issues; if I have a cold, I let me partner know. Ditto with mono, or a cold sore (which like 75% of the population has, and is Herpes Simplex I). I share that information, as that my partners can make decisions for themselves. That’s my ethical choice.

However, not everyone follows that. And people can say they have a “clean” or negative panel even when they don’t (or haven’t even gotten tested). And let’s say that someone hands you a copy of their negative test? It’s not a promise. Some STIs have a 6 month incubation period before they show up, and if your new partner had unprotected sex OF ANY KIND with any one after their test, but before you, there is always the possibility that they have contracted something. So we can pretend that we know 100% percent whether our partners have an STI or not, but do we even know for sure about ourselves?

Some clubs (kink and swingers) do not allow sexual contact by members with STIs.  Others don’t have it as a rule, but severely discourage it.  Yet no one cares whether you give mono or the flu (which, while not long term, can be certainly more dangerous and devastating than many STIs.

So whether or not you are ok with your partner having an STI, let’s talk about it from a different angle. There is nothing shameful in having an STI. A large percentage of our population either has, or has had, an STI (or more) at some point in their life.  You might have even had one (or have one) and not even known it. Why discriminate when you can use a barrier? And even if you don’t ever have a partner with a known STI, why not try using less discriminatory language?  Clean schmeam.  Let’s try positive/negative, or something like that.

-Essin’ Em

Trying to figure out what to get your friend/lover(s)/family, etc for the holiday season?  Let me offer you some suggestions! These are all items I own (or have owned), have tried, and loved.  Q even helped me out with some must have suggestions.  Most places are having some great holiday deals right now too.

-Essin’ Em

For the reader on your list:

Opening Up (by Tristan Taormino) - The absolute best book on non-monogamy to exist. Covers everything from swingers to partnered non-monogamy, polyfidelity to even monogamy. Highly recommended.

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009 – Great variety of stories, and even has a certain story that stars yours truly, written by Sinclair Sexsmith.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes – An awesome, step by step guide to tying ropes, both for prettiness and for bondage.  Even helped me learn to tie some ropes, and we know how much trouble I’ve had with rope.

For the porn viewer on your list:

CrashPadSeries.com Membership – Pink and White is freaking brilliant, and Crash Pad Series shows off a variety of people from a variety of identities showcasing a variety of sexuality.  Only thing they have in common (other than all being hot) is that they all are queer.  Super hot. Oh! And if you want to see the DVD with me on it, get CrashPadSeries 5: Revolving Door.

Comstock Films’ Matt and Khym – Tony Comstock has created the Sexumentary. Real couples talk about how they met, what attracts them to each other, and more…and then have really hot sex.  Perfect for someone for whom realness is really important, this is the perfect gift.

Bend Over Boyfriend - Give the gift that keeps on giving! Give someone special in your life the amazing instructional video about pegging your lover in the booty.  Carol Queen is brilliant. Period.

For the vibrator craver on your list:

The Hitachi Magic Wand – This vibrator is remained my favorite for many years. It as two settings – orgasmic and earthquake.  It plugs into the wall, so is a weapons grade sex toy, and is absolutely amazing. You can also get all sorts of covers for it!

The Onye – This is Q’s favorite vibrator.  It’s like a super awesome bullet, but with lots of settings.  She doesn’t like the Hitachi – it’s too intense for her, but she love love loves the Onye.

The Gigi (by Lelo) – An absolutely perfectly designed G-spot toy. It may not look like much, but it reaches that spot absolutely perfectly! Plus, it comes in a variety of colors.  Need something bigger? Go for the Iris!

For the dildo lover on your list:

The Alumina Motion – Q told me that I HAD to put this on the list.  Hands down, this is definitely her favorite toy ever (aside from my hand, she says).  It’s a great material, feels good warm or cool, and you can play tinker toys with it and other Alumina toys!

The Fun Factory Curve - This is a great toy for either solo or partner play, and the silicone its made from feels absolutely delicious inside. Moreover, the design for g-spot stimulation as freaking fantabulous.

The VixSkin Goodfella – VixSkin is a super rocking material. It’s a harder silicone shaft, with a softer silicone coating, that feels wonderful, in your hand, in your mouth, in your cunt, or in your butt.  Various colors AND harness compatible!

For the kinkster on your list:

Under the Bed Restraint System - This fits any size bed, and will turn it into a basic bondage wonderland. I’ve had mine for over 2 years, and it is still bloody amazing.  Easy to set up, easy to tuck away and hide, and simple to put your partner into a spread eagle or other sexy and accessible pose.

Red and Black Locking Cuffs – Pretty AND functional, these can be used with the above item, by themselves, with rope, as an accessory, or more.  I love my set of these – they especially look great with my candy apple red spreader bar.

Jimmy Jane Afterglow Candle - this is a great starter toy for wax play. It’s soy wax, so it has a lower melting temperature, making it less intimidating for a newbie, and it comes in a variety of delicious scents (we love figleaf!).  It’s also a great first layer before other waxes, as the oil prevents the regular wax from sticking.

Other awesome gifts for those harder to shop for:

Fascinator Throe by Liberator - Especially perfect for those who are squirters/gushers/ejaculators, these throes are good for everything from wax play to lube, food play to after care. Waterproof in the middle, soft on the sides, and brilliantly machine washable, EVERYONE deserves a throe. They come in shag, microfiber, and my favorite, SAFARI!

For Your Nymphomation Toybox – A great place to put all your toys, and look sassy while doing it. I love my leopard print one.  Need more space? Try the FYN Toychest, or even the FYN Rolling Toy Trunk!

Water Based Lubes, such as Maximus, Pjur Aqua and Sliquid H2O are all great and glycerin free. Plus, you can use them with ANY toy!

Eros Bodyglide is an amazing silicone based lube that is smooth, silky and long lasting. Just remember, don’t use it with silicone toys.

Still not sure what you want?  Browse their selection, or even get gift certificates at:

Babeland

Good Vibrations

Liberator

SexToy.com

Vibe Review

Extreme Restraints