Sexuality Happens

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters endevor. This is supposed to be a letter to your dreams.  I didn’t know if they meant like dreams you have at night (which I have been having some freaking crazy ones as of late), or dreams like your hopes and goals. I decided to go with the latter.

Dear Dreams…

It’s so interesting how you’ve changed over time. When I was five, I wanted nothing more in the world to be an archaeologist, like Indiana Jones. Then, it was a vet. When I got to high school, I decided I wanted to be a counselor for gifted children, and went into college expecting to do so. Somewhere in there, I discovered sex ed, and dreamed of working for Planned Parenthood, which brought me to grad school. From there, I fell into the world Feminist Porn and Porn for Women, and then into the world of sex toys. I wanted to be a feminist pornographer/sex toy shop owner with a studio/dungeon in the basement.

And now? I’m not sure. I am a sex educator, I am a feminist pornographer, I am a blogger, I am a writer, I am a reviewer, I am a marketer. I’m not sure what direction the tide will take me next; things are always changing in life, and it seems even more so in the sexuality field.

I had dreams of living in Europe…not likely with my three cats and partner now (although a long term visit may be in order). I had dreams of owning a house, which I almost did back in Philly. Now $15,000 of medical debt is going to push that one to the back burner for a while.

I have dreams of being able to easily walk up stairs, and maybe go for a jog. A realistic dream in the long run perhaps, but very expensive and time consuming and difficult to find a doctor who will do knee replacements on someone this young. This dream seems like a more long term one.

So for now, as I look at it, my dreams are:

*Getting out of the epic amount of debt Q and I share

*Moving back to Colorado by May 2011

*Celebrating our love with a wedding in October 2011

*Speaking at more colleges and universities (long term – be as cool as Tristan and Ducky and Nina Hartley and Midori and Megan Andelloux and the rest of the heavy hitters of sex ed)

*Traveling with Q to Europe – she’s never been, and I miss it badly

*Eventually owning our own home (10 years?)

*In the next 10 years, owning a Hybrid

*Add more states to my “I’ve been there!” list

*Try more cupcakeries and vegetarian restuarants across the US

*Figure out what to do about further education. I always thought that I’d want a PhD, need a PhD, have no other plan than to finally get my doctorate. Now I’m not sure.

*Meet many more amazing people, both online and in real life

*Live an outstanding, crazy and fulfilling life with Q and our kitties

*Enact change and fight for social justice and equality.

Dreams, I will try my best to reach for you, and honor you, but I don’t want to be so specific anymore. I want more of a concept and less of the exact science. I want to dream big, and aim in many directions. Thank you dreams, for being there, for changing with me, for helping me grown.

-Essin’ Em

You’ll note that this review is very different than my average one.  I usually review sex toys, or books, or lubes. However, the other day, I was in Fascinations, and was talking to one of the associates, and she told me that this shot worked really well for her. Given that my poor sex drive has pretty much been out the window since my cancer scare back in January, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m willing to try pretty much anything, as long as I know it’s not medically harmful. Ergo, I bought this shot, the Rock On for HerFemale Sexual Enhancement shot/drink.

Now, I will tell you that I don’t seem to do well with supplements. Caffeine (whether in coffee, chocolate, tea, or otherwise) has never affected me. I could drink a Crowbar (4 shots of espresso, coffee and chocolate syrup) in college, and fall asleep shortly there after.  When I was working for the evil corporate gym on overnight shifts, I tried a 5-hour Energy shot one night, and promptly fell asleep at the desk. So I didn’t have much hope for it.

It tastes gross. Like, face making, gag noise making gross. However, I drank the whole thing, and then Q and I went and had sex. Did it work? I don’t really think so. I mean, we already were planning on having sex, it didn’t at all make me feel more sexual (basically, I’m all good with fucking Q, and find that really hot, but am not so hot with being sexual myself), and I certainly wasn’t buzzing with horniness.  Would I use it again? No.

That said, I have now spoken to several women of various orientations and ages that swear by this. Is it snake oil? Maybe. I’m not sure how well L-Argenine works when used internally/ingested, however, we do know it works in creating extra sensation topically. It’s possible that my body just doesn’t react well to supplements. Who knows.

Next on my list; clitoral arousal gel. Again, these aren’t normally things I’d like to try, but I’m getting desperate, just like many women out there, looking to reclaim and take control of their sexuality. I’m happy to share my experiences around this, in hopes that it’ll help others.

Want to try the shot for yourself? Click here to get a bottle. If you *do* try it, please let me know via comment or email what you thought – I really would love to know!

-Essin’ Em

Have you heard yet?

I’d like to let you know a little about Momentum Conference 2011 — a conference discussing sexuality, feminism, new media and much more. Created by Tied Up Events and the community at large, and sponsored by Fascinations, it’s taking place in Washington, DC, April 1-3 2011 and should be absolutely amazing!

Interested? Read below and check out MomentumCon.com for more information, to apply to present, and much more! I’ve already submitted my application, and I know others have too; it’s going to be an AMAZING conference!

-Essin’ Em

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

During MOMENTUM we will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality. While on one hand we have unprecedented sexual freedom, on the other we continue to police sexuality with a frightening vigor. Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

Each participant will leave the conference with new perspectives, new connections, and a plan to carry the MOMENTUM forward into 2011 and beyond.

First, we have Drew Devereaux and Buck Angel talking about important health care exams for people who identify as trans.

And this one is 100% Buck Angel and his awesome-sauce-ness about trans guys, and their health care.

Thank you to both of these fabulous performers for bringing attention to such an important sexuality issue. Way to go you two – thanks so much for talking about trans men with cervixes, and trans women with prostates, and all sorts of other differences that might keep people out of the doctor’s offices, when they really need check ups just as much as anyone else.

If you have good suggestions for resource lists for doctors who are LGB and especially T and Q friendly, please feel free to share!

-Essin’ Em

Are you in the Denver Metro Area? Would you like to hear me talk about full spectrum sexuality and sensational sex toys? I’ll be speaking at the Fascinations in Arvada, CO tomorrow night at 7pm.  It is free to all attendees, and every one who sits through the class will get a $10 gift card, as well as refreshments and an entry in a raffle.

Sexuality is so much more than just sex acts, than identity, than why lube is love. It is all these things combined and so much more, and I hope to help you expand your knowlege of sexuality, and of course, what sex toys are designed for, which ones are body safe, and so much more.

Hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

I leave tonight, heading to Denver, Colorado for a good week and a half. trainings

It’s a busy week; I have a bridesmaid lunch, an orthopedic surgeon’s appointment, a wedding rehearsal dinner, my best friend’s wedding, fondue with Q and my mother, getting a new tattoo on my calf (and Q is getting a new one on her forearm), having dinner and lunches with lots of friends, speaking at the LGBT Center’s Womyn’s circle, holding two employee for Fascinations, teaching a class at SKALES,  visiting all 5 Denver area stores, holding a free workshop on full spectrum sexuality at the Arvada store on Thursday night, meeting with an event director at a hotel to talk about possible wedding plans, and then, a whole weekend at Thunder in the Mountains before heading back to the heat of Arizona.

Looking forward to being home for so long, because Denver still remains home to me in my heart, and Q’s as well. We’ve both been feeling pretty home sick lately. I’ll miss our kitties of course; that’s always the hardest part.

I’ll have internet on and off, but if I’m slow in replying to comments, emails, tweets, etc, please excuse my delay. And if you’re local in Denver, I’d love to see you at one of my classes/workshops/seminars, really!

-Essin’ Em

Passionate Bonds: Creating EmPowered D/s Relationships

Do you want to make your D/s relationship the best it can be for you and your partners?

http://www.fhp-inc.com/passionatebonds.html

Instructed by Midori & Laura Antoniou
Join Marketplace series author Laura Antoniou and educator Midori for a special weekend intensive designed for people who enjoy authentic power dynamics and D/s, who want to consciously create quality relationships that suit their personal hungers & needs in the context of the real world

Event Dates: July 30th through August 1, 2010.
Location: Private Location, Downtown Toronto
Registration now open!
Cost: $450 first person in the order, $400 for each additional individual.
Class size will be strictly limited to allow for a unique quality experience emphasizing individualized attention. Through the unique curriculum and its innovative tools, each individual or relationship unit will create their own customized manual of effective protocol, rules, etiquette and codes of conduct.

Tired of searching for the ultimate guide to your D/s or SM relationship? Do you want to make your BDSM relationship the best it can be for you and your partners?

Join Marketplace series author Laura Antoniou and internationally acclaimed educator Midori for a special weekend intensive designed for real people who enjoy power dynamics and want bring a level of authenticity and quality to their relationships.

Students will learn about the many styles of relationships we enjoy, and, through guided lessons and exercises, will discover their own unique relationship needs and systems. The instructors work closely with each student to help them learn and explore, and there is plenty of time throughout the weekend for personal reflection as well as pure fun!

There are no requirements for experience or expertise; anyone who desires or engages in relationships in which dominance and submission or the expression of power exchange is welcome. Full engagement and participation in the workshop is required; communication and a willingness to fully explore the work is of vital importance. This weekend is excellent for those already involved in such relationships or households of 2 or more people; it’s also ideal for the individual who wishes to gain a clearer concept of their own needs and desires on a solo basis.

Sexuality and Disability Educational Series

For all Disabilities and Sexual Orientations
June 30 – September 22
Wednesdays, 6:30 – 8:30PM
Center for Independent Living, Berkeley, CA
Suggested Donation: $25 per class
Sexuality and intimate loving relationships are a fundamental part of everyone’s life.  This 12-week series is designed for individuals who are living with a disability as well as his or her friends, families, partners and attendants.

You will gain ways to improve:

•      Self-Esteem and Body Image                               
•      Healthy Relationships
•      Delicacies of Kissing and Touch
•      Chronic Pain and Sexuality
•      Sexual Health
•      Practical Tips and Tools for Enhanced Sexuality
•      Solo Sex & Partnered Sex

Our philosophy:
•      Participants will have a chance to experience the support of peers and have an increased sense of community
•      Attendees can experience a sense of empowerment, hopefulness, improved self-esteem and self-confidence
•      Learn new skills and resources to expand knowledge regarding one’s sexuality, sexual health and intimate relationships in a nonjudgmental environment
•      Workshop goals to be achieved through presentation of topics, facilitated sharing and experiential exercises

Limited Space Available.  To reserve your place please email Dr. Biggs at rebiggs@mac.com

For more information go to www.somaevolution.org

I don’t use condoms as often as some people, it’s true. Sometimes I use them to cover sex toys, others I used to use on my Hitachi (that is, before I got the amazing Off with Your Head Hitachi Cover), and of course, I often use them to present. Not really enough to need to carry them around in my purse, or so one might think. So why is it, exactly, that I am carrying around a Just in Case Condom Case (other than it fundraises money for YouthAIDS with each purchase)?

Why? Because A) it can also fit little foil lube packs folded in half, which is brilliant, because really, doesn’t everyone need lube at some point?  B) While I don’t need condoms very often, other people do. I get asked if I have an extra condom running around almost as often as I get asked if I have an extra tampon or pad, which is fairly often. I have an epic reputation as being super prepared, and this, of all things, should definitely not be an exception. Always happy to help. And C) this particular condom case is different than most of the others I’ve seen/owned (and I’ve owned a few in my time). The reason is that it opens in two ways; one of the condom(s)/lube, and one for the mirror — it not only LOOKS like a compact like most condom cases; it actually IS one.

Now, it does come in other colors, like gold, but obviously I like the red better. It’s a sassier color, plus with the purchase of each Just in Case RED condom cases, they donate a percentage (not sure quite how much) to YouthAIDs, aiding in the fight against AIDS. Just by getting a condom case to keep you, your friends, your family and loved ones safe, you’re working against AIDS. How awesome is that?

It’s a little pricey, yes, but it’s fairly good quality, and condom cases tend to last a while. I still have the one I got when I was sixteen at my high school graduation. Get one, keep it, use it, pass it on, and enjoy!  Five stars (out of five). I really liked this concept, this case, and this whole line.

Click here to get your very own Just in Case Condom Case, and give back to the fight against AIDS.

-Essin’ Em

I was a virgin until I was 21 (last year) and because I didn’t have a partner, I had fun by myself. I explored my body and what I liked, but never tried penetration, for reasons I don’t really even know. Anyways, after a long time of trying (seriously, it took a while!!), my (first) girlfriend managed to break my hymen and I started getting used to/liking one of her fingers inside of me – probably around last september. However, the orgasms that I was used to having from my clit were nowhere in sight. By now, I usually enjoy what she is doing to me a whole lot and am even able to enjoy more than just one finger (three at the most), BUT it never feels like I actually come. I can go for a really long time and I get to a point where it’s just too much, but I don’t feel like I orgasmed. I’ve tried getting myself off on my clit with her inside of me, but usually it doesn’t work because I can’t seem to come with her inside of me. When she pulls out, I do actually contract quite often, but I don’t really do that with her inside of me – is that possible or do I just not feel it? Often, I will feel like I have to squirt (I managed to get her to squirt a few times already :D !!), but no matter what I do (relax/push on it/…), I never do. When I try to push or when she fucks me really well, it literally hurts inside of me – I think my g-spot might be what is hurting!?! I don’t really understand why that would be happening or what that could mean, but it bugs me. She is really good in bed and she takes a lot of time and energy to pleasure me, but since I’m not able to fully, completley get off from it, I sometimes just say no to sex because I don’t want to be frustrated. When I have fun by myself, I always come. I have tried using our toy by myself (Lelo Gigi), but when I turn it to a setting that makes me feel like I could come it hurts too. I know that some women can’t come vaginally, do you think that’s what it is? I have tried to show her how to get me off with my clit, but I can only come with the right speed/pressure combination and even with good instructions she doesn’t get it quite right, because she doesn’t feel what I feel. D’uh! So I got tired of trying that, because it just made us both frustrated.

Anything would be greatly appreciated!! I’m out of ideas and no research on the internet has brought up anything useful yet.
Thank you so much!

-Needs Help

Hey N.H:

Thanks for writing.

First of all, you can always continue to get off by yourself, with clitoral stimulation, the way you like it.  Just because you have a partner doesn’t mean that you can’t masturbate anymore.  You can masturbate on your own, you can both masturbate lying in bed together side by side, you can have her play with your hair, neck, breasts, kiss you, etc while you masturbate. Plenty of ways to make that work.

Not everyone likes penetration, and some people like it, but very gently. Lots and lots of women of all orientations don’t get off from penetration.  So there is nothing wrong with either your or your girlfriend — it’s just trying to figure out the puzzle pieces of what feels good to you, and then practicing. A lot :).

Perhaps have her put her hand over yours while you’re masturbating, so she can see exactly where you put it, for how long, etc. Then have her try, with your hand over hers, guiding her in direction and pressure. You’re creating sexual energy and pleasure together, and you’re getting the stimulation you need while she’s helping give it to you.

It sounds like you may have a sensitive cervix. I have one of those – touch it and I want to punch someone. Q, however, likes having her cerix touched. It’s different for each person.  If you’d like, try penetration with toys on your own, but feel around for your cervix first and avoid it. See if that helps.

If you’re enjoying the sex between the two of you, why not use her enjoyable fucking of you as epic foreplay, and then have her watch you as you get off for her, your way at the end, so that everyone has fun and is satisfied.

Let me know if you try these and how they work for you. I wish you luck.

-Essin’ Em