Sexuality Happens

I’m heading back to the land of my dreams, Colorado, for a long weekend. What shall this weekend entail?

*Hopefully cooler air. Arizona is still pretty frakking hot.

*Doing a sex toy party for my sister’s sorority and visiting the new Fascinations store in Colorado Springs.

*Doing an on air interview with Lewis and Floodwax Thursday morning.

*Teaching What’s Up with the Butt: Anal Sex 101 on Thursday night, for free, at 7pm, at the Fascinations in Aurora.

*Visiting with my moose!

*Seeing my BFF.

*Solidifying plans with the celebration of love venue for next year.

*Seeing the family..and such.

See you on the flip side!

-Essin’ Em

Why? I’m in New York, at the often talked about, never duplicated, full of awesome raffle prizes and more Sex Blogger Calendar Party at Fontana’s in NYC.

Want to come? It’s open to everyone 18+ and better yet, it’s free. Plus I’ll be there, along with Nina Hartley, Jiz Lee, Mollena, Lillith Grey, Coy Pink, Nadia West and more…not to mention all the schwag! First 200 attendees get awesome goody bags, and the raffle prizes are to DIE for (wanna get me some tickets? I know you do). Oh yeah — Princess Kali from KinkAcademy will also be there, as will my favorite red head, Megan Andelloux.

For more information, visit the Sex Blogger Calendar Party site, and I hope to see you there!

-Essin’ Em

The above picture is my outfit that I wore for Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco last weekend. It’s an amazing outfit, period. I found the skirt on sale for $5 at Target, the hose as a two-pack (the other are much tighter weave, and are leopard print fishnet!) for $7, and then of course, my favorite fire corset and rainbow zebra shoes, coming together for an incredibly hot outfit. I love it.

I had a blast at Folsom, although it was quite hot, and there was far too much walking involved for a poor little femme using a cane. Maybe if I go again in the future, I’ll get me some ponies to pull me around.

My demo went great. About 45-50 people in the audience, two lovely demo bottoms, and lots of fantabulous queer energy made for a VERY fun “kinky games people play” demo at the Venus Playground. Plus, I got to see Madison Young, Mollena, Garnet Joyce, and other fabulous sex positive pervs…and then I finished off the day dancing with an old friend from Philly, and the love of her life. I give that a good thumbs up.

And now, I’m off to New York!

Happy HNT everyone!

-Essin’ Em

Sometimes, expectations can be a very very good thing. However, for the most part, they tend to be evil.

Why? Because usually, we keep our expectations to ourselves. We don’t share them. And by doing so, we often set ourselves up for disappointment, because we expect (there is that evil word again) our friends/family/lovers/partners to read our minds, and meet our expectations, even though they often don’t know what they are.

I wrote a few weeks back about how I was let down during my last trip to the ER. It was the first time Q had ever come with me to the ER, and only the second time she’d ever come with me on any medical visit, the first being only a week prior. Now, I’ve spent a lot of time in medical settings, and have been in the ER far too many times. Ergo, when there was no nurse button, and I was left alone in a room with no pillows/sheets/etc for a swollen leg/to prop up my head, and with no nurse call button, or way to ask for help, I sent Q on a mission to a) find a nurse, b) check on where I was in the triage schedule and c) get me a pillow. The first three trips, she came back having accomplished none of this. The nurses were talking to each other, or she didn’t see anyone in the hall. I was incredibly frustrated, because I needed an advocate at that point in time (not being able to walk anywhere myself), and I had very specific expectations of what an advocate to me looked like. However, I pretty much gave her my expectations at the exact same time as I even asked her to be an advocate, and in a stressful setting none the less. Is it not wonder that her actions didn’t meet my hastily requested invitations?

So I’ve been trying to be clearer about my wants and needs, and even expectations. And moreover, I’ve been trying to have less expectations. When I came back from Florida, Q had gone to Sedona with her sister, and brought me back this BEAUTIFUL black and white flower vase. Totally unexpected, as I don’t ever expect physical presents from Q (I’m a pack rat, she’s a minimalist). I dropped my expectations, and was pleasantly surprised. What a reward!

But then, I made expectations again. I purposely chose to fly back from SF to Phoenix this afternoon, so I could spend a nice evening with her before flying back out to NYC tomorrow. Between my travel and her often 60+ hour work weeks, we haven’t really gotten to see much of each other in a while, and so this was important to me. I forwarded her my flight info, my travel dates, reminded her that this was when I’d be home, etc.

By doing all of this, I had expectations that I’d be able to spend time with her this one evening that I was back. However, I didn’t communicate that clearly. I thought she’d pick up on my hints, but I never specifically said “hey, so we’re both getting to hang out together on the night of the 29th, right?” Well, not until the day before I left.

I had hoped she would take the afternoon off, so I could get a ride from the airport home, and get to spend time with her. Apparently, she had two presentations that afternoon, so that was nixed. Fine, that had been a hope, but not an expectation. Then Saturday night, as I chatted with her on the phone, I found out she also had stuff at 5pm-7:30pm, and 8pm-11pm. As my flight was leaving at 7am the next morning, I wasn’t going to be able to stay up past 10ish, meaning that all my deliberate planning and extra wear and tear on my body was for naught; I’m not really going to get to see her before I leave again.

I was hurt when I found this out. Not angry, just hurt and frustrated. But honestly, that’s partially my fault. I needed to communicate better my reasoning for coming home, as well as the expectations I had of Q instead of just making assumptions.

And I guess it will just make next Monday night all the more sweet.

-Essin’ Em

As I’m still on my trip, and don’t have to opportunity to write as much daily as I usually do, or even as much as I would like to given the circumstances, I feel only just in directing you to Alphafemme’s Blog.

Alphafemme is one of the sweetest, kindest people you will ever meet, period, and I’m not just saying that because she has opened her home to me the past few days as somewhere to stay in San Francisco. She’s just an all around good person, believes firmly in social justice, is a sexy burlesque dancer…and often times, her relationship with ML mirrors a lot of what is happening in my relationship with Q.

Anyways, while you wait for me to come back and actually be able to write, check out her blog.

Today, as part of my travels, I will be attending my first ever Folsom Street Fair. It’s like Pride, but for Kinky Peeps, and multiplied by quite a bit. Think people of all genders, orientations, kink roles, and ages (mostly 18+ I believe) taking over good amount of Folsom street in San Francisco, CA. I’ve heard stories, I’ve seen pictures, but I’ve never actually gotten to go there and participate.

Tonight, I’m doing a demo called “Kink Games People Play” at the Venus Tent (women/trans area) at 5pm. If you’ll be there, come say hi.

I’m hoping I get to see Mollena too — she’s one of my favorite San Francisco people, and she’s International Ms Leather, so she’ll be running around being awesome.

I’m a little nervous…sometimes I feel like I’m told that I’m not “kinky enough” because I don’t do nearly as much power play as people. And sometimes, I’ve been uncomfortable in kink settings because they’ve been very heterocentric, cisgender centric and queeraphobic. However, at the very least, I know that will NOT be the case here (I mean, look at where we are), and so I shall go forth, kinky and queer pride held high, and enjoy this hopefully awesome of awesome festivals.

May the kink be with you,

Essin’ Em

Hey all!

Later this week I’ll be headed first to Salem, OR to teach at Enigma, and then I’m off to San Francisco to have some fun and present at Folsom Street Fair over the weekend. Next Monday and Tuesday, at Good Vibrations, I’ll be doing not one but TWO awesome classes! Seats do fill up, so I encourage you to pre-register if you can. I really hope to see a lot of you there!

Both of these workshops will be held at the Polk St. store.

Good Vibrations
1620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street)
San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 345-0400
Map & directions

Vaginal Fisting for One and All (NEW)
Monday, September 27, 6-8 pm
$25 in advance, $30 at the door
Fisting is one of those words that makes people say “ooooh!” Sometimes, it’s an “I’m so excited about that” way, and other times it’s more of a “you want me to put WHAT in my WHERE?” response. If you’re curious about fisting, come learn from an expert. Shanna Katz will explain vaginal fisting is (and what it isn’t), how to introduce it into your relationships, what you need to think about in regards to safety, why lube is so important and more. Everyone can use a helping hand when it comes to fisting, so come one, come all, and really get to understand the amazing ins and outs of vaginal fisting.

To register for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/112656

Right Foot Red, Left Hand Lube: Sex Positions for Everyone (NEW)
Tuesday, September 28, 6-8 pm
$25 in advance, $30 at the door
Forget the Kama Sutra and Tantra. Leave your sex swing at home. Shanna Katz is here to tell you all about sex positions that anyone can do; no fancy hardware or spiritual revelations needed. We’ll talk about everything from Missionary to Froggy Style, Reverse Cowgirl to the Sneaky Vampire. Want a threesome? Got positions for that. Have arthritis? We’ve got positions for that. Ready to integrate sex toys into the bedroom (or shower, or car)? Check. Bring your favorite position in mind, and be ready to try out new positions (with clothes on) as we sex-plore our way through the endless types of positions available to us. Open to singles, couples and more-somes, and people of all gender and orientations.

To register for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/112676

I read parts of this at Sizzle last month while in San Francisco presenting at Feminia Potens.  It was for an open mic dealing with sexuality and disability, and this is what I came up with (as well as an erotica story).  I thought I’d share…

-Essin’ Em

I’m here to talk about the intersections between sexuality and disability.  I want to tell you about the man in a wheelchair who was suspended in rope, wheel chair and all, and was ecstatic at the chance to be flying high above the dungeon. I want to tell you about the woman who was in so much pain from sculliosis, but discovered that when her sir gave her a good beating, she could eroticize the pain and work through it.  I want to tell you about the quadrapelicic woman that spent a good chunk of time exploring and trying new things with her partner, and eventually could experience sexual pleasure when he stroked her cheek in just the right way. I want to tell you about the first time I found someone who understood me, and check in, but didn’t try to do everything for me, and made me feel like a sexual goddess, despite not being able to do many of the sexually constructed things that people do when they fuck.

But how can we speak of intersecting sexuality and disability when we can’t even validate people’s sexuality or disabilities? When we create this hierarchy, we prevent people from exploring the rest of themselves, from getting to figure out who they are and how all of this fits into other parts of them. Instead, people are fighting to even be seen as who they are.

I sat in my hotel for a few hours this morning, trying to place my swirling thoughts onto paper, to share with you what I so often say. To sound cool, and interesting, and part of performance piece.

Do you know how hard it is to pull words out of your head, put them down, and make them sound right when you’ve got a cloud of painkillers fuzzing up your brain and pain radiating up through what feels like every joint and your entire body?

It’s difficult to say the least.

We’re in the technology age, so rather than crumpled pieces of paper all over the floor, I have minimized word documents, all begun so well, and then trailed off into a narcotic induced rant of the parellel between my Femme identity and my identity as someone who is disabled.

What it all boils down to is the fight for recognition, and the desire to just be, and not fight anymore.

My gender is often invisible to others. People see me as alternative, and often times as straight. I experience more anti-Femme hatred and bigotry in the queer community than I have experienced anti-queer sentiment in the rest of the world.

My disability is often invisible to others.  Unless it happens to be a day where I’m walking with a cane, or someone sees the epic travel pill pack that follows me everywhere in the deep depths of my purse, people don’t see me as disabled. In the community, I am told that I should consider myself “lucky”  that I’m not MORE disabled, not more visible.

I don’t want to fight to be who I am.  I don’t want to wear rainbow necklaces or name-drop “my ex-girlfriend” in order to be seen as queer in the queer community, and I don’t want to go flashing my handicap permit or show off my scars in order to be recognized as someone with disabilities by others in the same boat.

I fight the mainstream every day just to have accessible buildings and parking, and to get the same rights as everyone else; to share insurance, to not be fired for my orientation, and more. I do not have the time, energy or patience to fight within my own community.

When did we create a hierarchy of oppression?  I look more queer than you do, therefore I’m a BETTER queer.  I have a disability that affects more areas of my life, therefore I’m MORE disabled than you are.

If we cannot support each other as members of the same community, how can we work on intersections of identity. I’m a queer femme sex educator kinky perverted disabled Jewish awkward snarky cat loving tea drinking oh so horny person. How can I accept all these part of me, if the individual parts themselves are rejected by the community?

How can I even start to think about my sexuality and how it relates to others when others cannot relate to me based on who I am?

I am disabled, but that doesn’t disable who I am. I am still sexual and fun and deep and witty and queer and kinky and all these parts of ME. I want to be who I am, not spend my energy fighting to be seen, but rather, integrating all of me into my sexuality, into my life, into this magical and wonderful world.  I wonder, is it really that hard to do?

I went to Portland for my first time ever back in May, and loved it. Oregon made me feel so much like I was back home in Colorado.

We’ll, I’m happy to be going back to Oregon this Thursday, although to Salem rather than Portland. Why? Well the fabulous feminists/sex positive folk who own Our Enigma have been kind enough invite me to do my How Many Licks? Adventures in Cunnilingus workshop THIS Thursday, Sept 23rd at 7pm.

Where?

Enigma

1326 State St

Hey all!

If you’re in NY, or any of the surrounding areas, or want to meet a bunch of sex bloggers, sexuality educators, porn stars and more, all in one place at one time (while supporting sexual freedom), then read on. Well, read on any ways. I’m one of the calendar models this year — here is a picture from my shoot (although not one IN the calendar):

Photo Credit: Marty Carstens

Hope to get to meet you in NYC!

-Essin’ Em

New York, NY (September 10, 2010) – Tied Up Events enlisted a group of the most dynamic online sex-positive writers, models and porn stars from across the nation and Canada, along with a stellar group of photographers to create the 3rd Annual New York Sex Blogger 2011 Limited Edition Calendar.

This year’s calendar will raise funds to support Woodhull Freedom Foundation. Woodhull is a national organization whose mission is to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

Woodhull envisions a world that recognizes sexual freedom as the fundamental human right of all individuals to develop and express their unique sexuality; to be personally autonomous with regard to bodily integrity and expression; and to enjoy sexual dignity, privacy and consensual sexual expression without societal or governmental interference, coercion or stigmatization.

Woodhull is dedicated to expanding the national dialog around sex and sexuality and to being the resolute national voice that consistently raises the interconnections between various identities, communities, and the issue of sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

Portraying Visions of Sexual Freedom in the calendar are Bad Bad Girl, Brandon B, Coy Pink, Dangerous Lilly, Essin’ Em, Gloria Brame, Jiz Lee, Lillith Grey, Luna, Matthew Lawrence, Max Lagos, Mollena Williams, Nina Hartley, Radical Vixen, Sadie Smythe and Sovereign Syre. A full biography of each calendar model is available at http://www.sexbloggercalendar.com/2011-models/.

The calendar launch party will be held on Friday, October 1st, 2010, at Fontana’s, 105 Eldridge St, NYC, from 6:30 – 9:30. Not only is the party free but the first 200 guests will receive FREE gift bags stuffed with $10 gift certificates from Fascinations, fun items from Bachelorette.com, Pearl Drop vibes from Good Vibrations, cock rings from Professor Oni and Sugar and Crystal Delights, free porn cards from Hot Movies for Her, pens and a special surprise from Whore Magazine, Eros Lube courtesy of Tabu Toys, a coupon for a free vibrator from Pleasure Chest and much more.

One of the highlights of our parties has always been our raffle with its phenomenal prize packages and this year is no different. Our sexy raffle prizes include the ultimate sex toy – the Njoy Eleven, an erotica libraries donated by Alison Tyler for Pretty Things Press and by Cleis Press, photo shoots by several notable photographers including JM Darling, a bible purse and three year membership from Kink Academy, a rope kit and gift certificates from Maui Kink, a gift bag full of hand-made sensual goodies from Williamburg’s Shag, a leather collar, cuffs, leash, flogger and sexy t-shirt from Stockroom, romance baskets from My Pleasure, OhMiBod and Vibrators.com, a silky, sensual Lelo blindfold and Evolved vibrator from Tabu Toys, two (2) all access passes to Cinekink, the kinky film festival, a gift basket from Good Vibes, and, because our generous supporters keep adding items every day, more.

Our party would not be a Tied Up Events production without some sensationally sexy performances. Produced by NYC’s one and only, N, of Crimson Kitty Productions and Auralfixia, there will be spoken performances by Carol Queen, Nina Hartley and Dylan Ryan, sensual belly dance by Luna and burlesque performed by Lillith Grey of Gloryhole Girls and, of course, N. Go-go dancers will also be weaving and shimmying their way through the crowd. Also featured will be Professor Oni, the founder of Lifestyle Images and the first and only “Endorphin Engineer” brings his Bakushi (Japanese Rope Bondage Artist) talents to the party in a unique “Decorative Micro Bondage Salon”. Using rope as fine as 1mm in diameter, he creates custom designs on hands, feet, bodies and even hair. This bondage is not for restraint, but rather for relishing and releasing the beauty within and without each and every body

If you are unable to attend the launch party, you can still buy your limited edition copy of the calendar directly through the Sex Blogger Calendar website.

About the NYC Sex Blogger 2011 Limited Edition Calendar:
For the latest news, a complete list of bios of each sex blogger featured in the calendar, our sponsors, and our Community of friends, please visit the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Website (http://sexbloggercalendar.com).