Sexuality Happens

Holy Guacamole has life been crazy lately!

My partner Q and I moved back to Colorado, a few months earlier than originally planned due to Q’s new job, and it is fucking fantabulous…at least the six days I was able to spend there before I headed out of Providence, RI to speak at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health (on Ethical Pornography), and now at Brown University (On Body Positivity and Autonomy as Sexual Freedom and then with Megan Andelloux on Being a Sex Educator in the Real World). I’m then back in Denver for about 48 hours, if that, before I head out to Portland to teach at KinkFest (Safer Sex for Kinksters, Poly and Kink, and Communication in a Kink Context). Then thank the mooses, I’m back for about 10 days before heading to Washington, DC to speak at Momentum (on Intersections of Identities and on 3 panels about ethics and blogging, feminism in the adult industry and public vs privacy in blogging) and Sugar (Sex positions for EVERYONE!). Phew.  Then it’s back to AZ twice in April for a class and Phoenix Pride, and then to San Diego for AASECT. Finally, I get to chill a bit in May, really get to re-settle into Colorado, work a little more on planning the wedding, etc.

In the midst of all this, I also had to help my mother put down our family cat of eleven years, the wonderful and caring Anastasia, who was a rescue cat from a dementia patient who was abusing her back in 2000. It was incredibly tough, especially with all of the emotions running high still from the move, some of the body pain I’m dealing with, and then traipsing across the country…

Anyways, I’ll try to be better about putting more posts up here, and you can also check out thoughts, Q and A, upcoming workshops and more on ShannaKatz.com.

-Essin’ Em

Today marks the 2nd full year that Q and I have been together (it also is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers — I can’t think of anything more appropriate for two sex-positive and social justice oriented people).

For a long time, I thought I was going to be alone forever. I viewed myself as unloveable, as broken, as not worthy of love. I didn’t think anyone would find me “worth” dealing with, putting up with my insecurities, my disabilities, my career, my snarkiness, my messiness, my anthropormorphisizing of my cats.

And then, I met Q. At a strap on class that I was teaching even. Well, this way I knew that for the most part, sex ed wasn’t going to be an issue. Q is incredibly caring about social justice, about equality (or the lack there of), actually cares about politics and truly works towards creating change in this world. On top of that, Q is witty, hilarious, fun to be around, incredibly smart, and laughs at my ridiculous jokes…and Q is more co-dependent with Jasper (the Maine Coon) than I have ever been with my cats. Although I don’t believe in the concepts of perfect matches (because you have to work on making them work), I can’t imagine finding anyone more perfect for me than Q. I wonder sometimes if I even deserve such happiness. Q says I do.

There are few things more wonderful than waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, and having loving arms around you, or getting a “hello beautiful” text message in the morning, or an “I love you” sign on the holiday shrubbery, and knowing that the love is actually meant, and isn’t just some trite or cliche message. Few things more reassuring than your partner bringing you ice packs and pain killers when you can’t walk, or calling to see how your neurologist appointment went.

I am not perfect. I am a hard pill to swallow at times. It is hard to love me, and sometimes harder to be with me. I know all of this. And yet, I am lucky enough to have found someone as wonderful and driven and loving as Q, who takes me how I am.

Next October, we’re having our “Queer Celebration of Love” — AKA, the wedding. I’ll have to write about my views on marriage at some point, but the wedding is our celebration for our friends and family, a showing off of our love, a rejoycing in our connection.

Sadly, Q is still in New York for today’s anniversary, but Q’s family is important, and I understand that. Instead, this Saturday I’m making a special dinner for us, and for Christmas, we’re driving to a relaxing resort outside of Vegas to take advantage of their special pricing, and cooked food, and will celebrate there. I love being together, experiencing things together, trying new things together.

So happy anniversary stud muffin. I can’t imagine being happier with anyone else ever, anywhere, any time. Thank you for letting me love you and trust you,

Babycakes.

Warning: Wedding post. Will occur approximately monthly!

We’re being very conscious in how we plan this celebration of love. First of all, we’re calling it a wedding, and a celebration of love, but certainly not a marriage. To us, this is a bringing together of friends and family, a celebration of a relationship and love that we have together. It is not a legal transaction, it is NOT a marriage.

Do you know how hard it is to be social justice oriented queers trying to plan a wedding when the entire wedding and marriage industry is based a) on hetero couples and b) on spending outrageous amounts of money to look like some sort of society’s goal of “perfect” for all of one day? It’s just ridiculous.

We’ve finally found a venue — it’s an affordable hotel with a TAG rating (LGBTQ friendly) that basically includes almost everything. My dress is going to be a corset top and a skirt that is being given to me by a lingerie company….and I’ll have to take to a seamstress to make it fit the I want it to. We’re still trying to figure out if Q will be in tails, or nice pants and a vest….but I think that an ascot tie and possibly a top hat are definitely on the list, at least for pictures. My best friend A is making the Chuppah cover, and I’m going to figure out how to Home Depot-ize the rest of it. My moose is making our cake toppers to look just like our three kitties. 

I love that people are helping out by creating, making, donating, etc. This is truly OUR community’s celebration of our love, rather than what some stupid magazine or show tells me what our celebration of love it. Megan helped me find more black metal wrought iron candle holders at thrift stores last week, and Catherine says she may have some more as well.

We’ve decided on mini pumpkins with people’s names on them, where they can put their pumpkin wherever they’re planning on sitting (with color coded ribbons for vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, etc). We both love halloween, and while we want the wedding to be more of a Victorian elegant, we also want to include fall as part of it.

It’s still a good 10+ months away, but I’m enjoying the planning of it, and the flauting of the “proper” way to be wed. I love that we are still staying true to ourselves, and not selling out into the social constructions of a wedding.

I’ll post maybe once a month, so people don’t get sick of it…this isn’t really a wedding blog, nor is it an erotica blog, or a sex blog, or any of that. It’s a me blog, and I like it that way.

-Essin’ Em

Q and I are pairing up with another local queer and engaged couple, as well as some of our kinky friends, and we’re all attending a local wedding expo today.

We wouldn’t be going if there weren’t free tickets…but they did give out free tickets, and so despite not being particularly interested in local venues/companies (since we’re having our celebration in October 2011 in Colorado), we’re going. We’re creating visibility and conversation about there not always being a bride/groom binary (or even a bride/bride), as neither of us identifies as such. We’re getting wedded next year. We’re queer. And we are often invisible in this industry.

So while we’re not going to be booking any of these vendors, our goal is to make them stop and think for a moment. That’s it.

-Essin’ Em

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters endevor. This is supposed to be a letter to your dreams.  I didn’t know if they meant like dreams you have at night (which I have been having some freaking crazy ones as of late), or dreams like your hopes and goals. I decided to go with the latter.

Dear Dreams…

It’s so interesting how you’ve changed over time. When I was five, I wanted nothing more in the world to be an archaeologist, like Indiana Jones. Then, it was a vet. When I got to high school, I decided I wanted to be a counselor for gifted children, and went into college expecting to do so. Somewhere in there, I discovered sex ed, and dreamed of working for Planned Parenthood, which brought me to grad school. From there, I fell into the world Feminist Porn and Porn for Women, and then into the world of sex toys. I wanted to be a feminist pornographer/sex toy shop owner with a studio/dungeon in the basement.

And now? I’m not sure. I am a sex educator, I am a feminist pornographer, I am a blogger, I am a writer, I am a reviewer, I am a marketer. I’m not sure what direction the tide will take me next; things are always changing in life, and it seems even more so in the sexuality field.

I had dreams of living in Europe…not likely with my three cats and partner now (although a long term visit may be in order). I had dreams of owning a house, which I almost did back in Philly. Now $15,000 of medical debt is going to push that one to the back burner for a while.

I have dreams of being able to easily walk up stairs, and maybe go for a jog. A realistic dream in the long run perhaps, but very expensive and time consuming and difficult to find a doctor who will do knee replacements on someone this young. This dream seems like a more long term one.

So for now, as I look at it, my dreams are:

*Getting out of the epic amount of debt Q and I share

*Moving back to Colorado by May 2011

*Celebrating our love with a wedding in October 2011

*Speaking at more colleges and universities (long term – be as cool as Tristan and Ducky and Nina Hartley and Midori and Megan Andelloux and the rest of the heavy hitters of sex ed)

*Traveling with Q to Europe – she’s never been, and I miss it badly

*Eventually owning our own home (10 years?)

*In the next 10 years, owning a Hybrid

*Add more states to my “I’ve been there!” list

*Try more cupcakeries and vegetarian restuarants across the US

*Figure out what to do about further education. I always thought that I’d want a PhD, need a PhD, have no other plan than to finally get my doctorate. Now I’m not sure.

*Meet many more amazing people, both online and in real life

*Live an outstanding, crazy and fulfilling life with Q and our kitties

*Enact change and fight for social justice and equality.

Dreams, I will try my best to reach for you, and honor you, but I don’t want to be so specific anymore. I want more of a concept and less of the exact science. I want to dream big, and aim in many directions. Thank you dreams, for being there, for changing with me, for helping me grown.

-Essin’ Em

Last month, my best friend got married, and I attended as Maid of Honor while I was in Colorado. After the ceremony and before the reception, we went to Civic Center Park to do some fun photo shoots with the wedding party.

At one point, the photographer ask who was the fiercest of the bridesmaids. Obviously, the title fell to me. She wanted me to show the other girls a fierce walk, turn, pose, walk. I, of course, was up to the challenge, and this is the picture she snapped somewhere between Turn and Pose.

Photo Credit: Charlotte Geary

I love my back — it’s one of my favorite body parts. Overall, I wasn’t thrilled with the dress. Having seen some of the other pictures, I looks like a cross between a whale and an over-stuff sausage. However, this picture makes me look sassy and pretty, and show cases my back, and I love it.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to all of y’all!

-Essin’ Em

OH! I almost forgot! Big ass sex toy sale today!

Today, Fascinations has a sale happening online, and at its 16 stores (in Portland, Colorado and Arizona). This means vibes, butt plugs, dildos, panties, books, movies, lubes, massage oils and more are 25%. The end. That’s an outstanding deal, especially when you’re looking at buying a bigger ticket item.

How can you hop onto this fantabulous deal? You can either go in store or to FunLove.com (to shop, or find a store). Wishing you good sex toy shopping karma!

This summer, Q has been playing on a softball league with people from work.  It’s every Sunday night, and I have gone, sat at, and watched every single game she has played in, except for one when I was recovering from my knee drama. Everyone. I am the only partner of a team member that has attended more than one game, and I’m the one people use to guilt their partners into coming to watch (“But Q’s partner comes to every single game — you can’t even come support me once?”). Before and after the game, we hug and kiss. During the game, I cheer for her (El Guapo) and the rest of the team, and make snarky remarks about how good her ass looks while batting. We’ve gone out to eat with the team after a game, and talked a little about wedding plans, held hands, etc.

Last Sunday, someone was looking for a pen. I had just lent the coach one, and he’d given it back.  The coach looked at the pen-less guy and said, loud enough for me to hear from the bleachers; “Need a pen? Q’s ROOMMATE has one.”

Roommate. Yes. He said that. Thank the mooses for Q, who quick said “Um, she’s my partner. PARTNER.” Now, the coach didn’t hear it, and he didn’t really care…but Q is usually not that assertive, and so her saying that made me feel better, and so much more validated.

Ok. Now if you had *just* met us, I could see using the term roommate, if you didn’t know. But wouldn’t it be more poignant to use “friend” if you weren’t sure of some one’s relationship status? Calling me her roommate is so fucking 50s. It completely discounts our relationship, which you have clearly seen, heard, and know to exist. It’s telling us we’re not good enough to have a relationship, that we can’t really be in love. We’ve been delegated back down to roommates.

Now, we almost exclusively use the term partner, and prefer people use the same when referring to us. However, in certain circumstances, we use the term “girlfriend” if that is the best way for someone (like our grandparents) to wrap their mind around our relationship. While I don’t particularly like “girlfriend,” if that is the best way for you to understand us, then fine, use it.

I don’t really like fiance either, because that boils everything back down to the wedding, and our relationship is so much more than a celebration of love. She is my partner every moment of every day…she’s only my fiance when we’re planning/talking about the wedding. But if you call her my fiance, or vice versa, fine. I can deal. At least you’re validating our relationship.

Call her my “special friend” (or me hers), and you’re in for a snarky comment like “yes, she is my special friend. My vagina’s special friend to be exact.” What the hell does special friend mean? But at least, with that, you’re implying special, as in more important that ordinary relationships, and friend, as in a chosen relationship.

With roommate, you have 100% completely invalidated our relationship. How dare you. I would never ever ever refer to your wife of however many years as “that lady you live with.” Not ever. So how can you, seeing our interactions, hear the terms we use and our wedding plans, relegate us to “roommates.” Fuck you.

She’s not my fucking roommate. She’s my lover, my partner, my friend, my fiance, my confidant, my muse, my kitty co-parent, my salvation, my amusement, and oh so much more.

By Jesse Hernandez

While in Colorado, Q and I had the chance to meet up with one of my BFF’s new relatives (since she got married). He’s this fabulous gay photographer, and as part of our celebration of love involves supporting “family” members as much as possible, we had him do our engagement shoot.

I can’t share a lot of the pictures of both of us, as I’m trying to respect our privacy (and particularly, Q’s), but this is one of just me. I look a little silly, as I’m still in my bridesmaid get up (and the dress was not only not the most flattering, but actually falling apart), and Jesse had me take off my glasses for it, and I feel like I look so odd without my glasses, but it’s a very dynamic photo none the less.

I love our shoot with Jesse Hernandez, and highly recommend him. He travels all over the US shooting big events (including lots of Prides, drag shows and more), and is a superstar. More over, he’s a good person with a great heart, and he made me and Q feel really special in some of the pictures he took.  Thanks Jesse!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

Today is her wedding day.

For all the craziness about the wedding, the over blown budget, the (in my mind) ridiculous “corn flower blue” dresses from a store a despise (David’s Bridal), the not being able to plan/attend the bachelorette party (because I’m not living in Denver), the stressed out nights, and all of that;

Congrats to you, my friend. I wish you every happiness in the world (and always have), and now extend that to your new spouse. You and I will not always agree on everything, but today, what you say goes. I hope this day was everything that you wanted it to be, but that it was not, and will not be the best day of your life (if so, you’re marrying the wrong person). I wish you many many many years together, of triumphs and tribulations, of the occasional fight and the amazing make up sex. I wish you everything you want and everything you need, and somethings you don’t ever know you need or want yet.

I wish you a fabulous honeymoon. I wish you an easy time getting that epic dress off. I hope you two continue to build your lives together in the way that is what you want. I wish you as few fights as possible, and as much love as you can get.

Mazel tov, my dear friend, and my love to you always.

I’m going to be the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding on July 10th, and I can’t wait to see her again. I need to figure out how to write the maid of honor toast (she thinks it is sexist that only the best man gets to make one, so I get to make one now too). I’ve never written a toast before (I’ve only been to three in my whole life; one I was a bridesmaid, one I was a guest, and one I was performing the ceremony).  I don’t make a lot of a toasts. I need to do some research.

That said, it’s been really interesting watching how much wedding culture and wedding marketing has changed her plans. Spring of last year when she got engaged, she was so free and flexible with her plans; she told me she just wanted all the bridesmaid to wear dresses, and that I could wear combat boots if I so chose. Then, she wanted knee length black dresses, no combat boots, but told me I could dye my hair blue to match her wedding colors.  Then, it was everyone would be wearing blue dresses, but maybe I could have a maid of honor dress in black, with just a blue ribbon on it. And then, it became a cornflower blue tea-length dress from David’s Bridal (a homophobic, transphobic company I would have MUCH preferred not to support).  Moreover, I had to buy the dress end of March, given my size at the time.  However, in May, I suddenly gained 20 pounds at random (having my thyroid checked out after I return from Colorado). The dress? No longer fits. So for the last week, and the next two, my diet has become luna bar in the morning, lean cuisine/smart ones for lunch, 11-14 raw almonds and an apple as a snack, and salads for dinner. I am constantly hungry and a bit cranky at all times.  But losing 10-15 pounds so I can fit in this bloody cornflower blue dress from an unethical company so that I look perfect for my best friend’s wedding? That’s how it’s “Supposed” to work, given the wedding industry.

Not only that, but they started with a specific budget in mind. As they continued to plan more and more, the budget continued to increase more and more. I can’t but help point out that the current wedding budget is enough for a down payment on a a house (or close to it).  And still, in the wedding industry, it’s considered a “low budget wedding.”

Q and I are looking at 5,000 for our budget (including alllll rentals, my dress, her tux, food, photos, music, flowers, ceremony, etc), and are having a hell of a time with people taking us seriously, telling me that you can’t plan a “real” wedding without at least ten grand. Ten grand? With that, we could spend a month in Europe, or get ready to save for our house, etc.  

So as I look towards our wedding, I hope I can easily escape the pressures put on marrying people by society and the wedding industry.  It helps that I don’t want a white dress, or a perfect wedding. However, I do want a fabulous celebration of our family and friends, with yummy food and fun music, and a cute/sexy red and black dress.

Wish me luck,

-Essin’ Em