Sexuality Happens

I just got back from Las Vegas on Sunday night, very late. I’d been gone for five very long days.

When I got home, Q had left that morning. Because she’s awesome, she’s facilitating this amazing social justice leadership retreat up in Prescott all week, and won’t be back until Saturday night. The apartment felt so empty without her, the cats all crowding around me for attention that they hadn’t gotten all day, demanding pets and love. All I wanted was to curl up in bed with her arms around me, having been apart almost a week already.

I travel a fair amount, but with my disability and relationship, I try to keep it down to less than a week a month. When it’s longer, I try to come home in the middle for at least a night so that we can regroup and reconnect. This almost two week period is the longest amount of time that we haven’t slept together in almost a year and a half, and shockingly to me, it’s harder than I thought. I was such an independent person for so long, rarely spending the night or letting others spend the night, that it seems odd to me that just a few days apart from my partner makes me feel weird and lonely. But if I’m honest with myself, which I try to be, it does. It bothers me. I feel lonely in bed without her pressed up against me, or her heavy breathing in my ear.

I never expected to be in a mostly monogamous, long term relationship. When I pictured my future, it was never a part of it. Now, I’m incredibly happy to be in one now, with such an amazing person, but it certainly goes to show how much you never know, and how different the future may be than what you expect it to be.

7 Days down and 4.5 more to go until I have someone to hug and cuddle with, someone else to cook for, someone to laugh at my jokes and swat my butt while I’m cooking. I never thought I would miss that, because I never had it to begin with…but now that Q is such a huge part of my life, the space that is there when she is gone is so much more noticable than I ever would have thought.

-Essin’ Em

Essin' Em at the AVNs

Check me out at the AVN awards, wearing a sassy blue dress (my first ever One-Strap Dress), and the awesome 3-D glasses for the 3-D segment of the awards. Yep, I’m that cool.

Like last year, lots of queer and sex positive movies were nominated for the awards, including CrashPadSeries.com for best alternative website, Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven for Pro-Am, Dangerous Curves for best niche movie (starring April Flores, directed by Carlos Batts), Good Releasing for best company, Jamye Waxman’s Sex Positions for Couples, etc. None of them won, sadly (although Good Vibrations and Babeland did win the two categories that Fascinations was nominated for…if we had to lose, what great companies to lose to!). JeJoue won both best small toy company and best toy for women with the JeJoue G-Ki.

Also, I got an Njoy Eleven. Get ready for my entire life to change. Well, I mean, at least the sexual part and art collector part of it. I also now have a La Palma harness from Spareparts to try, which I am super excited about, and a sample of one of Buck Angel’s new AWESOME glass toys! I can’t wait for his whole line to come out.

Smitten Kitten threw a fabulous party on Thursday night, and I am incredibly grateful to them. In this field, it can be extremely hard to be a sex positive person, particularly since many of us are the only people in the industry in our area. We are often alone in Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Wisconsin, LA, or wherever it is we happen to be. Outside of San Francisco and New York, there are not many groupings of sex educators, sex positive toy store owners, etc. However, attending this party was like coming home, meeting all sorts of other awesome people in the field, sharing triumphs and tribulations, asking questions that related to our own ethical views of certain toy lines, talking about the latest this, and the most interesting that. My hat goes off to Smitten Kitten for organizing such a great event (and with such delicious vegetarian and organic food/drink options to boot!) and helping to connect sex positive people in the adult/sex industry in a way that rarely has happened before. Plus, their crew is awesome.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling the mainstream world and the sex positive world, and I don’t quite fit either. Where I work is sex positive, but we also have 16 stores and a website, so we do things very differently than a small company with just one or two stores. On my own, I am as sex positive as I can possibly be, but when I’m seen as part of Fascinations, I feel like I’m sometimes shunned from the sex positive community for having chosen to work with a more mainstream company, and that the literally dozens of free classes we offer, sex educators we employe, products we choose to carry (and not carry) don’t even matter, because it’s not my own store, or a well know store in the sex positive world. It’s tough. I felt that same way working for HotMoviesForHer, because at the time, few people were ok with the fact that many women DO like porn, and like more than just super touchy feely couples porn at that. I’m always feeling a little like a black sheep…but at least black is my favorite color, and I think sheep are cute. I do look forward to moving back to Colorado for many reasons, and one is being closer to other sex positive people in the adult industry, and the folks at the Denver SK are awesome.

That’s it for now…I’ll try to get back to posting more regularly from now on.

-Essin’ Em

It’s that time of year again, where I’m heading to Las Vegas for the AEE/ANE shows and the AVN awards (think “Oscars of Porn”).

This year, it’s a little tough. I’m heading to Vegas today through Sunday afternoon. Q heads up to this awesome social justice-y leadership program she’s helping to facilitate on Sunday morning…and will be gone for a full week. Then once Q gets back, we have a week together before I’m off to do classes and house hunting in Denver, and then I get back the day before Q heads to Minneapolis for Creating Change.  Usually I’m so good about planning my travel, and keeping it to less than a week per month, but these four weeks, both of us are travelling twice. I mean, I guess it is kind of good that we alternate, so that we don’t have to find a cat sitter…but on the other hand, that’s the most time apart that we’ve spent in a while, which is tough.

But here’s to Vegas, queer porn stars, sex educators, new sex toys, sex positive people, networking, seeing old friends, making new ones, and having a great time!

-Essin’ Em

I’m not particularly big on New Year’s Resolutions, given the likelihood that they’ll be broken some way, some how, in the very near future. I mean, really, how many people ‘fulfill’ their resolutions?

Q has decided to eat predominantly vegetarian/pescitarian. Which is awesome. Our house is pretty much vegetarian anyways (aside from the occasionaly sliced turkey for Q’s sandwiches), but this means it will be 100% veggie, and that we’re going to both be vegetarian, at least for a bit while Q tries this out. As someone who has been vegetarian for 19 years, it’ll be nice having a mostly veg partner. I’ve never ever been the preachy type — I’ve only ever dated one other vegetarian. I don’t judge, and I don’t tell people what they shouldn’t eat (especially as long as they don’t tell me what I SHOULD eat), but it’s nice having someone on the same page as me.

I’m thinking that next week, when I get back from the AEE/ANE/AVNs in Vegas, I’m going to try a raw diet for a week while Q is off teaching at a social justice leadership program. My old migraine meds (which I’ve finally titrated off of) helped me to gain 30+ pounds over the past year. Now that I’m off of them, I’m hoping a week of raw food might jumpstart my body into starting to lose some of those…and if not, at least it’s a very healthyl, vitamin filled week. Plus, we just bought a living social deal for 20 sessions of Hot Yoga each. I’m a little nervous, as I’ve dislocated my knees doing yoga before, but there are so few types of exercise I can do without massive pain that I’m figuring anything is worth a try right now.

My goals (NOT resolutions) for 2011:

*Book more lectures/workshops/classes at Colleges/Universities and Kink specific events (if you’re interested in having me, check out ShannaKatz.com for more info!)

*Finish at least one of the 4 books I’m currently working on and get it ready for publication

*Get more sex coaching/relationship counseling clients, both face to face and via skype.

*Move back to Colorado with Q and our kitties

*Help my mother get her house packed and ready for sale in 2012

*Have a fabulous queer celebration of love/wedding to the love of my life in October without going into any debt

*Make enough money to finally pay off medical 2008 and 2009 medical bills, so I can finally work towards paying my student loans

*Get an Njoy Eleven. No, seriously. It’s a goal. And heck, I really want a Spareparts La Palma harness too.

*Once back in CO, join a gym with both recumbant bikes and a pool so I can work on getting more cardio in. If I lose a little weight to where I was, I know my knees will feel better.

They are goals of sorts, but much more year-long and less number specific. I find that when I set goals like “lose 10 lbs by _____” or “make _____ money” or “get in touch with ________ friends,” I am less likely to follow through than when they are life changes.

Best of luck to everyone in the new year!

Essin’ Em

Date: January 28th 7pm-ish to January 29th 10am-ish

Location: The RACK Room in Denver

First and foremost: This is a “girls”-only event, and since the ladies of the RACK room believe strongly in gender inclusion, “girls-only” is not limited to girls born with a vagina. Transfolk, gender queer people, and anyone else who identifies in the realm of girl or grrl or woman or womin or womyn will be welcome. All orientations welcome!

Cost: $10 (to cover space rental)

This is going to be a super fun, inclusive night of both kinky and vanilla fun, from games to play time, gift exchanges to lots of munchies. 18+ ONLY, as both kinky and sexual play will be allowed. That being said, lets have a great night of kinky, naughty fun girls!

Everyone that is coming should bring:
A DISH: This is a potluck! bring deserts, a drink, anything sleepover-y! Liquor will be allowed, but if you are going to drink, please do not play, or wait until after you play to drink. This event is open to those under 21, but they are NOT allowed to drink. Sorry gals, that’s the way it has to be!

A sleeping bag or blankets

A GIFT: We will be playing fairy godmother! Bring a small gift (or gift bag) of LESS than $20. Please do not have any particular person in mind as we will probably be white-elephanting gifts!

A movie or music if you are so inclined. This does NOT mean Sex and the City

Your imagination! We will be playing a plethora of games both kinky and vanilla. If you have ideas for games, bring those!

Your toy bag. If you would like to play, then bring toys to do so!

A stuffed animal and some rope (if you have it). There will be a competition during the night (for bear bondage/stuffy shibari)!

A change of clothes — this party ends at 10am Saturday morning! Make sure to bring something to change into, a maybe a towel or two for those of us that enjoy communal showers with the kinky girls in our lives ;)

If interested and needing directions to the RACK room, please contact Shanna or Mistress Saskia via FB or shannakatz @ gmail dot com or DaSozz at aol dot com.

Q and I have been watching a lot of both “16 and Pregnant” as well as “Teen Mom” on MTV. It began at her mother’s house with “we want to watch something and it’s late…what’s on?” but has morphed into “if we were this couples social workers, what advice would we give? How could this person make better choices? How could their family and friends be more supportive? And so on. Especially given that now some episodes have featured the teens using adoption and abortion as options, in addition to parenting.

The other day, when we were driving home from our trip, I was tired, and said something in conversation about how I hoped we never accidentally got pregnant, because I’d be nauseous all the time, and in a lot of pain. Q looked at me like I was nuts, and it took me a second to realize why; it wasn’t that I wouldn’t accidentally get pregnant because I’m a sex educator and was lucky enough to get lots of info on safer sex…no, it was because Q doesn’t have sperm that could accidentally impregnate me.

I realized how lucky I am. While STIs are always a risk, and so Q and I get tested every year, and practiced barrier sex until we chose to be fluid bound, I never have to worry about pregnancy. I’m on hormonal birth control to keep my periods in check, but it isn’t at all for sexual or prevention reasons. We never have to worry about condom expiration dates, or whether I’m on antibiotics.

There are a lot of fights to fight being queer, and a lot of struggles and battles. About rights, about being recognized and validate, about family and friends and careers. About language. About gender. About this and that. But one struggle we’re lucky enough not to have is having to worry about the possibly of an accidental pregnancy, and making the choice between abortion, adoption and parenting.

We have talked about kids a lot, and another lucky for me, we’re on the same page. Neither of us wants kids. We could see perhaps fostering in 20+ years, but we have high maintenance cats and both work jobs with crazy hours and not outstanding pay. We don’t have the time, money or energy for kids, and nor do either of us feel the need to populate the planet anymore…and both of us are VERY against carrying a child, so it would be adoption, regardless. I feel lucky that this will always be our decision, that I will never have to worry about having to make that choice, nor will I have to worry about my fertility, looking into IVF, etc. Every cat shelter is always full of perfect kitties waiting for adoption, and right now, we have the best three in the whole world. My family is complete, for now, and I’m so happy and lucky that I’m able to say that.

And so it begins. I think it was Sophia St. James that started this blog/tumblr thing, but voila:

The Femmes Holding Animals Tumblr

Contribute! Make it awesome! We, as fierce and FABulous Femmes need to represent. All animals are welcome.

I’ve looked high and low and since I’m usually taking the pictures, there aren’t many of me actually WITH the kitties, but I’ve talked to Q, and we’re going to remedy that…because honestly, who doesn’t love hot femmes holding cute animals? Just saying…

-Essin’ Em

As a bigger girl, it’s always hard to find plus size clothes that are cute, and it was certainly no exception when I started looking around for some PVC hottness. Luckily, I head from FetishHome, a fetish/Leather/PVC and more company that offered to send me this sexy red and black underbust corset in a larger size.

Most of their items come in sizes from XS to 3X plus, and I appreciated that instead of just ordering by size, you put in your actual measurements. Because sizes tend to differ so much from company to company, this is a great way to ensure that you’re getting an item that will fit, not a 2x that would fit a twig, or a size S that you’re just swimming in.

Now, my first order came, and it was too small. Like WAAAAY too small. My guess is that somehow the items got mized up, and the wrong size was sent, or my measurements were miscommunicated. Luckily for me, this one perfectly fit Megan, and so I gifted it to her when she was visiting. When I explained the issue to the Fetish Home customer service team, they apologized profusely, and got the correct size shipped out right away.

Sorry for the quality of the photo, as I had to take it myself with a droid (given that I was alone and my camera was broken). However, as you can see, it’s a sexy PVC item that fits well, is super cute, can be worn with or without a bra (or even over another shirt for a more public-appropriate fetish look), and is big girl friendly. Plus, the prices are way better than that $300+ I’ve paid for other items (well worth it, but I can’t have a multi-hundred dollar look for every party or event), so you can get lots of different items in different colors, styles, etc for not that much at all.

Thanks Fetish Home — I’ve got my eye on this sexy fetish dress next!

Shanna

It just seemed right to wish every one a Merry Christmas today, since I’ve wished people Happy Holidays, Happy Channukah, Happy Solctice, etc all month. I mean, perhaps I should go the British route, and say Happy Christmas as well, just to keep all the ducks in a row.

Anyways, Q and I are off for a 6 hours drive each way to a little resort in Nevada that is having a special. We haven’t really created a Christmas tradition yet (I’m of the “eat Chinese food and watch a newly released movie” sect), so I’m excited to see where this adventure takes us.

Happy Christmas and Happy Holidays from us and the kitties and our Holiday Shrubbery,

-Essin’ Em

I’ve never wanted children. Never. I never thought about how I’d dress them, how many I wanted, who I wanted to have them with, whether I’d give birth or adopt, where they should go to college. Never. Now, I did pick up names I really liked, and said “oh, I’d totally name my child this one day” and then quickly went on to name a cat Ava, a beta fish Trisana, a Russian Dwarf Hamster Niamara, a hedgehog Ambrose, etc. Pets and stuffed animals fulfilled my need to name things unique and creative names with easy nicknames.

However, as much as I’ve always know I didn’t want kids, I’ve known I wanted cats. There was 9 months in my life with no cats, between our house burning down in May of 1999 (killing our two kitties), and moving in to the rebuilt house and adopting Phoenix and then Anastasia in spring of 2000. Even when I lived in Germany, my host family had two cats. As soon as I got my own apartment my senior year of undergrad, I adopted Kinsey. Cats to me are my children. I treat my kitties as members of the family, and when they depart, like Athena dying December 2008, my heart breaks for them (and I sat Shiva).

My cats are a part of my family, and when I was freely dating, they were a good measuring tool. If someone didn’t like cats, they were out. Now, if they were ambivelent, all they had to do was meet Kinsey, and usually their mind changed. If they met my cat or cats (depending on when), and the cats didn’t like them? Done. My cats like most people, and so I took them not liking someone as a sign of things to come. It only happened twice, but I found out later on that it was a very good sign to stay away.

And then I met Q. Q had a cat already (Jasper), and was more co-dependent with him than I was with Kinsey. Moreover, when I adopted Kali and had the whole traumatic experience of her in the ER for 3 days, Q let me call, text and rant, even though we were all of just a few months (if that) into dating. Q didn’t mind that the cats were allowed everywhere except the counter and the kitchen table, and embraced both cat hair and Kaili claiming Q as her own. When Q would go back to New York to visit, I’d come take care of Jasper, staying over to watch a movie with him, or reading out loud. When I was gone, Q would text me pictures of Kinsey and Kali missing me.

This sounds silly, yes, but I realized that the perfect kitty parent was a non-negotiable for me. And the other night, as I watched Q carefully scoop a certain amount of dry food into a dish, and then add the right amount of wet food, with a little extra water, and mash it all around to make it as appetizing to them as possible (they’re on a new UTI prevention diet), and then soak a cranberry pill, and gently give it to Jasper and stroke his throat until he swallowed…I realized that Q fit the mold. Q was the perfect kitty daddy (we like to play with gender, obviously) to me, the kitty mommy. Between the two of us, the cats always have someone to lie on, someone to pet them, someone to dangle a toy in front of them. We sit together, making up stories about what each cat is saying when they meow, about how they feel about leopard print, about Kali’s royal throne, about Jasper’s queen-y walk, about Kinsey’s rubber and latex fetish. We curl up in our bed, two of us and three very spoiled cats, and it just feels right.

Q is my kitty daddy, and is a better fit for me and our family of fur kids than I ever could have imagined.

-Essin’ Em