Sexuality Happens

Essin' Em at the AVNs

Check me out at the AVN awards, wearing a sassy blue dress (my first ever One-Strap Dress), and the awesome 3-D glasses for the 3-D segment of the awards. Yep, I’m that cool.

Like last year, lots of queer and sex positive movies were nominated for the awards, including CrashPadSeries.com for best alternative website, Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven for Pro-Am, Dangerous Curves for best niche movie (starring April Flores, directed by Carlos Batts), Good Releasing for best company, Jamye Waxman’s Sex Positions for Couples, etc. None of them won, sadly (although Good Vibrations and Babeland did win the two categories that Fascinations was nominated for…if we had to lose, what great companies to lose to!). JeJoue won both best small toy company and best toy for women with the JeJoue G-Ki.

Also, I got an Njoy Eleven. Get ready for my entire life to change. Well, I mean, at least the sexual part and art collector part of it. I also now have a La Palma harness from Spareparts to try, which I am super excited about, and a sample of one of Buck Angel’s new AWESOME glass toys! I can’t wait for his whole line to come out.

Smitten Kitten threw a fabulous party on Thursday night, and I am incredibly grateful to them. In this field, it can be extremely hard to be a sex positive person, particularly since many of us are the only people in the industry in our area. We are often alone in Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Wisconsin, LA, or wherever it is we happen to be. Outside of San Francisco and New York, there are not many groupings of sex educators, sex positive toy store owners, etc. However, attending this party was like coming home, meeting all sorts of other awesome people in the field, sharing triumphs and tribulations, asking questions that related to our own ethical views of certain toy lines, talking about the latest this, and the most interesting that. My hat goes off to Smitten Kitten for organizing such a great event (and with such delicious vegetarian and organic food/drink options to boot!) and helping to connect sex positive people in the adult/sex industry in a way that rarely has happened before. Plus, their crew is awesome.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling the mainstream world and the sex positive world, and I don’t quite fit either. Where I work is sex positive, but we also have 16 stores and a website, so we do things very differently than a small company with just one or two stores. On my own, I am as sex positive as I can possibly be, but when I’m seen as part of Fascinations, I feel like I’m sometimes shunned from the sex positive community for having chosen to work with a more mainstream company, and that the literally dozens of free classes we offer, sex educators we employe, products we choose to carry (and not carry) don’t even matter, because it’s not my own store, or a well know store in the sex positive world. It’s tough. I felt that same way working for HotMoviesForHer, because at the time, few people were ok with the fact that many women DO like porn, and like more than just super touchy feely couples porn at that. I’m always feeling a little like a black sheep…but at least black is my favorite color, and I think sheep are cute. I do look forward to moving back to Colorado for many reasons, and one is being closer to other sex positive people in the adult industry, and the folks at the Denver SK are awesome.

That’s it for now…I’ll try to get back to posting more regularly from now on.

-Essin’ Em

Somehow, I am always grouped as a sex blogger…but as many of you have probably noticed, I honestly don’t blog about sex that much. I mean, yes, I do talk about toys sometimes, or how sex is or isn’t affecting my relationship…but I as of the last year or so, I haven’t written/published as much erotica, I haven’t shared very much of my sex life, haven’t posted any nude pictures. There are many many many reasons for each of these decisions, but regardless, these topics are no longer part of my posting.

So am I still a sex blogger? I mean, I’m writing about queer weddings and relationship drama and letters to people throughout my life. Is sex and sexuality a part of it? Oh yes. But I feel like I’ve become more a life style blogger, perhaps a relationships blogger, I don’t even know.

Ergo, my question to you; what defines a sex blogger? Is it sex toy reviews? Is it erotic stories of past times? Is it deep conversation into gender identify and presentation? How does one know if they are or aren’t part of this whole “sex blogger” community?

And with that said…where do I fit?

-Essin’ Em

I read parts of this at Sizzle last month while in San Francisco presenting at Feminia Potens.  It was for an open mic dealing with sexuality and disability, and this is what I came up with (as well as an erotica story).  I thought I’d share…

-Essin’ Em

I’m here to talk about the intersections between sexuality and disability.  I want to tell you about the man in a wheelchair who was suspended in rope, wheel chair and all, and was ecstatic at the chance to be flying high above the dungeon. I want to tell you about the woman who was in so much pain from sculliosis, but discovered that when her sir gave her a good beating, she could eroticize the pain and work through it.  I want to tell you about the quadrapelicic woman that spent a good chunk of time exploring and trying new things with her partner, and eventually could experience sexual pleasure when he stroked her cheek in just the right way. I want to tell you about the first time I found someone who understood me, and check in, but didn’t try to do everything for me, and made me feel like a sexual goddess, despite not being able to do many of the sexually constructed things that people do when they fuck.

But how can we speak of intersecting sexuality and disability when we can’t even validate people’s sexuality or disabilities? When we create this hierarchy, we prevent people from exploring the rest of themselves, from getting to figure out who they are and how all of this fits into other parts of them. Instead, people are fighting to even be seen as who they are.

I sat in my hotel for a few hours this morning, trying to place my swirling thoughts onto paper, to share with you what I so often say. To sound cool, and interesting, and part of performance piece.

Do you know how hard it is to pull words out of your head, put them down, and make them sound right when you’ve got a cloud of painkillers fuzzing up your brain and pain radiating up through what feels like every joint and your entire body?

It’s difficult to say the least.

We’re in the technology age, so rather than crumpled pieces of paper all over the floor, I have minimized word documents, all begun so well, and then trailed off into a narcotic induced rant of the parellel between my Femme identity and my identity as someone who is disabled.

What it all boils down to is the fight for recognition, and the desire to just be, and not fight anymore.

My gender is often invisible to others. People see me as alternative, and often times as straight. I experience more anti-Femme hatred and bigotry in the queer community than I have experienced anti-queer sentiment in the rest of the world.

My disability is often invisible to others.  Unless it happens to be a day where I’m walking with a cane, or someone sees the epic travel pill pack that follows me everywhere in the deep depths of my purse, people don’t see me as disabled. In the community, I am told that I should consider myself “lucky”  that I’m not MORE disabled, not more visible.

I don’t want to fight to be who I am.  I don’t want to wear rainbow necklaces or name-drop “my ex-girlfriend” in order to be seen as queer in the queer community, and I don’t want to go flashing my handicap permit or show off my scars in order to be recognized as someone with disabilities by others in the same boat.

I fight the mainstream every day just to have accessible buildings and parking, and to get the same rights as everyone else; to share insurance, to not be fired for my orientation, and more. I do not have the time, energy or patience to fight within my own community.

When did we create a hierarchy of oppression?  I look more queer than you do, therefore I’m a BETTER queer.  I have a disability that affects more areas of my life, therefore I’m MORE disabled than you are.

If we cannot support each other as members of the same community, how can we work on intersections of identity. I’m a queer femme sex educator kinky perverted disabled Jewish awkward snarky cat loving tea drinking oh so horny person. How can I accept all these part of me, if the individual parts themselves are rejected by the community?

How can I even start to think about my sexuality and how it relates to others when others cannot relate to me based on who I am?

I am disabled, but that doesn’t disable who I am. I am still sexual and fun and deep and witty and queer and kinky and all these parts of ME. I want to be who I am, not spend my energy fighting to be seen, but rather, integrating all of me into my sexuality, into my life, into this magical and wonderful world.  I wonder, is it really that hard to do?

This, my dear readers, is my newest sex toy. It’s a glass dildo by Ruby Glass, also known…as the VORTEX glass dildo. I just really like saying Vortex. Particularly as Q and I are headed to Sedona today, and they are all about these magical vortexes that they have there which are also known as lay lines that come together, and do magical things.

Is this a magical vortex? Well, let’s get the stats first. It, like most (if not all) glass dildos is made of glass. Not, say, the type of glad you’d drink from, or even a window pane, but some pretty hard core glass. I’ve only ever once broken a glass dildo, and it fell from the top of a dresser onto a cement floor— only one small piece broke off. Ergo, they are pretty hardy, and vagina (and butt, if they have flanged bases, like this one) friendly. The Vortex was no exception. A nice thing about glass toys is that they’re compatible with water-based lube (like all toys), but also silicone lube, which I love, and most toys can’t deal with.

As far as packaging, I was NOT impressed with the bag it came in. Most glass toys come in luxurious velvet bags, some of which are plush, but even if not, they are just nice velour and good for storing the toys so they don’t clink and chip. Sadly, the Vortex came in a weird bag that felt almost like felted plastic, or something like that. I was very much underwhelmed.

As far as cleaning glass, you can always wipe it down with soap and warm water, but it’s 100% sterilizable; you can boil it (3-5 minutes), run it through the dishwasher (top shelf) or wipe it down with a 10% bleach solution. Perfect for sharing with friends, or using both anally AND vaginally.

Let’s talk toy: the Vortex is very very pretty. It’s clear glass interspersed with black, white and green lines. I could have done without the green, but even so, it’s a beautiful glass dildo, hands down. Its design isn’t bad at all; it feels quite good sliding in and out. I was hoping for a little more G-spot action from the shape, but I didn’t really get what I was looking for. On the other hand, it just felt really good, smooth, and it has a base, so I’m pretty sure it would feel good for anal stimulation and play as well.

I love glass toys; putting them in ice water to cool them down, or warm water, to heat them up. I love how they feel sliding in and out, and how beautiful they truly are. I wish the Vortex had been a bit more G-spot magical for me, and had come with a nice pouch, but that aside, it’s a pretty rocking toy. 3.5 stars (out of 5) from me.

All in all, this is a pretty good beginner or middle of the road glass toy, and definitely a beautiful one. Click here to get your very own Vortex glass dildo. Thanks SexToy.com!

-Essin’ Em

Hey all. Here is a fancy schmancy, middle of the week review of a sex toy; the Je Joue G-Ki. As with all my video reviews, thanks to Matt (the video rockstar) and to Fascinations.

So, as you’ve gather, behold before you a review of the Je Joue G-Ki. What is it? It’s the fairly new and very cool G-spot vibrator/dildo. Get this; it actually has two awesome joints that bend and flex, making it simpler for you to make this toy fit your body, and your G-spot, the way that works for you. Another bonus? This is a reachargeable toy, which gets mucho points from my side of the court. This is not just because I love the earth, but also I hate having to deal with batteries, etc.

Interested at all? Look at the video review to get a better idea about the and watch how it works, as well as hear my thoughts the G-Ki, and other G-spot superheros, like the Lelo Gigi. I do like this toy, although I think I’d recommend the Gigi first, as that’s my all time favorite G-spot rockstar.

Again, I give my thanks to Fascinations! Enjoy the video and the review, and please especially enjouy all the fun and awkward noises I make to describe the vibrations patterns… Click here to get your very own G-Ki!

-Shanna

Click to play

This picture was taken on the balcony of my hotel room while in Florida last week.  It was just so nice and lovely out (aside from the mosquitos, and I have the bites to prove it!), and it felt good to sit out on the balcony and read.

I’ve had many issues with my legs, from knee problems to torn tendons in my ankles, and even issues fitting into boots due to ballet, figure skating and derby calves. However, I’m learning to love my legs (my new tattoo is helping) and even tolerate my feet. This pictures is just a step in the right direction, don’t you think?

Happy half nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

I was a virgin until I was 21 (last year) and because I didn’t have a partner, I had fun by myself. I explored my body and what I liked, but never tried penetration, for reasons I don’t really even know. Anyways, after a long time of trying (seriously, it took a while!!), my (first) girlfriend managed to break my hymen and I started getting used to/liking one of her fingers inside of me – probably around last september. However, the orgasms that I was used to having from my clit were nowhere in sight. By now, I usually enjoy what she is doing to me a whole lot and am even able to enjoy more than just one finger (three at the most), BUT it never feels like I actually come. I can go for a really long time and I get to a point where it’s just too much, but I don’t feel like I orgasmed. I’ve tried getting myself off on my clit with her inside of me, but usually it doesn’t work because I can’t seem to come with her inside of me. When she pulls out, I do actually contract quite often, but I don’t really do that with her inside of me – is that possible or do I just not feel it? Often, I will feel like I have to squirt (I managed to get her to squirt a few times already :D !!), but no matter what I do (relax/push on it/…), I never do. When I try to push or when she fucks me really well, it literally hurts inside of me – I think my g-spot might be what is hurting!?! I don’t really understand why that would be happening or what that could mean, but it bugs me. She is really good in bed and she takes a lot of time and energy to pleasure me, but since I’m not able to fully, completley get off from it, I sometimes just say no to sex because I don’t want to be frustrated. When I have fun by myself, I always come. I have tried using our toy by myself (Lelo Gigi), but when I turn it to a setting that makes me feel like I could come it hurts too. I know that some women can’t come vaginally, do you think that’s what it is? I have tried to show her how to get me off with my clit, but I can only come with the right speed/pressure combination and even with good instructions she doesn’t get it quite right, because she doesn’t feel what I feel. D’uh! So I got tired of trying that, because it just made us both frustrated.

Anything would be greatly appreciated!! I’m out of ideas and no research on the internet has brought up anything useful yet.
Thank you so much!

-Needs Help

Hey N.H:

Thanks for writing.

First of all, you can always continue to get off by yourself, with clitoral stimulation, the way you like it.  Just because you have a partner doesn’t mean that you can’t masturbate anymore.  You can masturbate on your own, you can both masturbate lying in bed together side by side, you can have her play with your hair, neck, breasts, kiss you, etc while you masturbate. Plenty of ways to make that work.

Not everyone likes penetration, and some people like it, but very gently. Lots and lots of women of all orientations don’t get off from penetration.  So there is nothing wrong with either your or your girlfriend — it’s just trying to figure out the puzzle pieces of what feels good to you, and then practicing. A lot :).

Perhaps have her put her hand over yours while you’re masturbating, so she can see exactly where you put it, for how long, etc. Then have her try, with your hand over hers, guiding her in direction and pressure. You’re creating sexual energy and pleasure together, and you’re getting the stimulation you need while she’s helping give it to you.

It sounds like you may have a sensitive cervix. I have one of those – touch it and I want to punch someone. Q, however, likes having her cerix touched. It’s different for each person.  If you’d like, try penetration with toys on your own, but feel around for your cervix first and avoid it. See if that helps.

If you’re enjoying the sex between the two of you, why not use her enjoyable fucking of you as epic foreplay, and then have her watch you as you get off for her, your way at the end, so that everyone has fun and is satisfied.

Let me know if you try these and how they work for you. I wish you luck.

-Essin’ Em

Photo Credit: Hawksdream

Back in Denver in January, when I was doing this shoot, I did a lot more kinky specific/dungeon photos.  But I did ask the photographer to take a few for Q, to show her that I was missing her and thinking of her during the shoot, even though I hadn’t seen her in almost a week.

She really really loves the outfit I wore on my Crash Pad Series shoot, especially the red bra. She really likes this weird cover up maxi dress think I got from Torrid on mega sale.  My homemade (in college) snow leopard and black fleece boa/scarf matches the snow leopard and black dress perfectly.  And of course, I have my glasses, which she likes a lot. The ring around my neck is one she has given me with a beautiful back story behind it, and I wear it about 90% of the time, as it feel connective to her, her strength, her passion for social justice and more.

Is it the most glamorous picture of me? Not be leaps and bounds.  It’s a bit dark, it’s an odd angle, and all of that.  But it’s full of stuff Q would like, and that was the whole point of it, so I feel I have found success. And for those of you who don’t know or care about Q and all of that, there is boobies. So enjoy.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

Note: I don’t actually have this suitcase, although I really wish I did!

This afternoon, Q and I are leaving to the wonderous city of San Francisco. I’ve only been once, and she’s never been, so it should be very excited.

I’m teach on Thursday, Friday, and most of the day Saturday. Click here to see what classes/workshops I’m doing when and where. I’d love to see you!

Additionally, I look forward to meet up with Dr. Charlie Glickman, Carol Queen, Jiz Lee, Madison Young, Ian Sparks,  Margaret and T of They Belong to Us, Mollena, and hopefully a variety of other awesome sex-positive people while in the Bay Area. I’m going to hook my essinem at gmail dot com email up to Q’s phone, and I should have wireless in the hotel, so if you don’t have my number, and would like to meet for coffee/tea/drinks/veggie friendly food, just shoot me an email or DM me on twitter with your number

Hoping for good weather, safe travel, low pain, full classes/workshops, and a great time all around.

See you on the flip side!

-Essin’ Em

Am I getting annoying about this yet? If so, I apologize.

I’ve made it to be a finalist for the Lezzy blog awards in the category of Sex/Short Story/Erotica.  I’ve got good company; Sinclair (Sugarbutch) and Scintillectually Yours.

Lots of my favorite bloggers made it on there; I’d suggest voting for Lady Brett Ashley (of Don’t Let’s Talk) for best engagement/wedding blog; she’s interesting, a deep thinker and really just awesome at combining daily life with ponderous topics.  I’d love for Sinclair Sexsmith (Sugarbutch Chronicles) to win Lifetime Achievement.  Plus, Just Like Jesse James is up for not one, but TWO awards! Feministing is also in the finalist group; congrats to the whole blogging staff (I wrote a toy store review for them once, so I feel kinda sorta doubly cool only not)! Last but not least; Fit for a Femme is a great blog in the culture/entertainment category.

So if you like this blog, if you like what I write, if you think it’s cool that I talk about gender and orientation and fluidity and write not just hot erotica, but also sex fail, and that I open myself up as much as I feel that I possibly can, and you enjoy reading/commenting/questioning/wondering about my writing, please go to www.TheLesbianLifestyle.com and vote for me (or whoever you feel deserves it).  You can vote once a day until March 2nd — just please remember to click on the confirmation link in your email, or else your vote doesn’t count. Please feel free to twitter/facebook/text etc, and tell people.

And if you don’t like me, or like someone else more, that’s fine too.  Just head over there and check out all the awesome lesbian/queer written blogs out there!

Thanks (in advance) for your vote, and your patience in me bugging you with this.

-Essin’ Em