Sexuality Happens

One of the most hurtful things F told me when we were together was that I was “always in my head, and never in my heart.” She’d follow this with ending a conversation, having sex with someone else against the rules of our relationship, or a torrent of judgemental things about me. That was her way of telling me I wasn’t emotional enough, that I didn’t feel. In her mind, feeling was superior to thoughts and logic, and because I was a planner, and wanted to talk out our issues instead of fighting about them, or worse yet (to me), ignoring them, I wasn’t good at relationships, that I wasn’t emotional enough, that I had no feelings.

I know now that this is bullshit. It’s true, for a long time after my father died, I did hide my feelings. I wrote a few years back about how I couldn’t cry, how it was only through a totally irrevelant conversation with K that I was able to finally break down and cry. I was so scared that if I showed myself crying, I’d be seen as weak, or worse yet, that I wouldn’t be able to stop crying, that everything I’d built up in my life, all my independence and stability woudl come tumbling down with my tears, and that I’d be back at step one.

However, I was beyond that point when I met F. I was an emotional person. I felt. I hurt. She hurt me. I felt hurt by hurt. And because I also have anxiety and a little OCD, which makes me a little more logical at times, she told me that I had no emotions, that I didn’t feel, that I didn’t have a right to ask for my needs to be met in our relationship because I wasn’t worth it, wasn’t worth having a relationship.

Now, if you asked Q if she thought I was more in my heart or in my head, more emotional or more logical, I have no doubt the answer would be the former of each of those choices. True, we joke about me being tender and delicate, but at times, it is true. From losing my father to losing multiple close friends throughout my life (some through death, some through their choice), I have a lot of fear and hurt inside me. Sometimes, so much that I don’t even believe I’m worth it, that I don’t believe I deserve to have someone as wonderful as Q in my life. Every now and then, something triggers me, and I burst into tears, convinced that this is the point where Q figures out that I’m a fraud, that I’m nothing, that I’m not worth it.

As I think back on my relationship with F, and how much she did that lead to me questioning myself, to feeling as though I wasn’t able to be part of a long term relationship, to believing that I wasn’t enough for anyone, I realize that perhaps she was looking inside at herself and expressing the worries that she had about her onto me. Doesn’t mean I feel any less fucked up, but I can only hope she didn’t do it out of malice, and that she just never allowed herself to see my tender side, my emotional side.

And more important, I thank my lucky stars every damn day that I met someone like Q, who gets me, who not only thinks I’m worth it, and thinks I’m more than enough, but is working on helping me to believe it too. Someone who will lie in bed holding me until the tears dry up, who will tell me again and again that she wants to be with me, and who will make me laugh by creating shadow puppets to pull Kinsey’s tail. I’m worth it, and she knows it. And she knows that I’m just as emotional as I am a planner, and that one does not exclude the other. How lucky am I?

-Essin’ Em

I made one of these back in March. Some relationships are the same, many are different.  Here is an update as to who everyone is, letter-wise.

Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smart, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome.  I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely person I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. She also plays bass in an awesome band – Speakeasy Tiger.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected.  We played at Thunder in the Mountains in 2008, but otherwise, are just really good friends. She now writes for the GLBTQ magazine in Denver and is freaking awesome!

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with him.

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago. He tried to add me on Facebook recently. I declined.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

I have written a lot on this here blog about submission over the years. About how I wasn’t sure if I was submissive at points, about how I was sure I was submissive at points, at how I first realized my submissive side during a dream I had when I was ten.  About how I am I feel genuinely submissive to some people I’ve played with, such as K, and how with others, I felt a complete brat, or moreover, like I was playing the wrong role.

I’ve written about this new subject some over the past year, but I figured you can always write about it more.

When I moved back to Denver, I slowly edged my way into the scene, attending parties, munches, classes, etc.  Denver is lucky enough to have three public/membership dungeons, and one really really awesome pro-domination house/private dungeon that happens to throw really cool public parties a few times a month. While my first fetish party was at said pro dungeon, my first scene in Denver was at one of the dungeons…as a submissive. I played there again shortly there after, again as a submissive, even though I had started playing with F as a top, and then a switch, with us giving the power back and forth. Sadly, an incredibly frustrating and a bit of a heart wrenching break up with her made me feel uncomfortable going back to that dungeon, given some of her actions.

So then I started going to more parties at another public dungeon, and at the private one.  While I bottomed occasionally, such as when I had the lovely Mistress Saskia perform fire cupping on me, suddenly, people were asking me more and more to hit them, to top them, to beat THEM up.  I had done it before….before F, then with F. And I had a few skill sets – I’ve been going to BDSM educational classes/workshops for six years.  Ergo, in many situations, I did. I paddled and cropped and caned and flogged. I suddenly learned of the joy of sharp objects, and I began to use vampire gloves and knives as part of my scenes. 

It was odd.  When I identified as a submissive, most people (K was a noted exception) kept asking me if I was sure, if perhaps I wasn’t a switch.  People would tell me they just couldn’t see me as a submissive. It wasn’t that I talked back a lot, or that I “wouldn’t” submit.  They just didn’t get it.

But then, once I started topping people (and in the beginning, it was definitely topping – I wasn’t in the mental space to be dominating people at this point), no one asked me if I was sure I was a top. In fact, people I didn’t know started asking me to top them…quite odd for me, as I was still trying to figure out what was up with my submissive identity.

Since then, I’ve pushed and pulled on parts of myself. Trying to figure things out.  Q came into the picture, and I perverted her life up reeeeeal fast.  Luckily for me, she likes kinky shit. A lot. Not always to the public extent that I do (our first play party was the beginning of May – she didn’t go back with me again until sometime in July), but she humors me.

It’s interesting. I like it when she tops me…and sometimes, even if she doesn’t feel she’s dominating me, I slip into submissive space (yessir nosir, floaty, you know the spiel). However, that does happen very often.  In fact, our relationship has fallen into such a place that she calls me Mistress, I am her Mistress, and she is mine…about 90% of the time. It’s only a sexual thing – she’s not gung ho about service when we’re not sceneing or in a dungeon/club, nor do I want her to be.  She’s not super into pain, but has definitely pushed her limits for me. I’m going to write about this whole Mistress thing at some point.

But it’s not just with Q.  Other Tops/Doms/Dommes/Mistress/Masters let me play with their bottoms/subs/slaves/bois/girls/boys/etc. I’ve had them hand over their partners to me, telling me to cane/slap/bite/paddle/flog/so on them for a while. I personally like it best when they tell me to just do whatever I want to them. I get invited to FemDom socials. Most people in my community see me as a Top/Dominant person who occasionally bottoms.

When did this happen? I have no idea. The first time I fell into a top role, I was in an uncomfortable sexual situation, and that was the only way I could think of getting through said situation without having to take off my clothes (and it worked). From there, it seems to have been a snowball rolling downhill.

And me? How do I identify now? Well, on my Fetlife profile, I identify as a kinkster, because deep down, isn’t that what most of us tend to be? As far as me though, I don’t know. I’m Q’s Mistress, who occasionally bottoms/submits to my partner Q. I top many people at parties and whatnot. I, for a few months, had a house boy, and I was his Domme. I bottom to a select few people; Mistress Saskia, a wonderful man who does excellent fire play with me, Lady Arcayda, and a few others.  When K and I have played, I bottom to him.  So I suppose I’m a switch with dominant tendencies? But really, what does it all even mean?

Communication IS key. I say it all the time – to friends, at workshops (whether on relationships or Strap On 101 or sensual sharp things), to readers.  It’s even part of my Sexual Manifesto regarding good sex. And it is important, very much so. Over the last few years, I’ve always tried my best to communicate, whether it’s a one night thing, or a relationship.

But this relationship, this one with Q, is the first relationship where I felt that the communication has actually worked, and been reciprocated. Granted, the great and fun sex I had with M and S in the past year was that; great and fun, and that certainly required good communication to get there. However, as far as relationships go, I have run into some communication fail, on both parts. When F and I were dating, there were times I felt I tried to communicate, and I felt that my wants and needs and thoughts were just being sucked into a black hole. Then there were the times she told me I was too logical, not emotional enough (if you’ve EVER met me, you’d know why that is slightly amusing), and that I didn’t communicate enough.  So then, I stopped communicating, and just told her what she wanted to hear, in a why that she COULD hear it, and COULD understand it.  My fault, yes, but had my communication been better received in the first place, I might not have resorted to just appeasing.

Every now and then, I do tell Q exactly what is is that she wants to hear. It’s a hard habit to break — I’m a people pleaser, and I don’t want people feeling bad, or that they’ve done something wrong. Luckily, this appeasement happens only occasionally. For the most part, I talk to her about things I’m feeling all the time, whether they be positive or negative.  

I feel comfortable enough with her that I’m able to be slightly less compulsive in her presence.  This means I can open my inbox, and only read one or two of my new emails, instead of all of them so that they aren’t bolded out against the rest. It means that I can be more spontaneous and not plan out every little aspect of my life.  Sometimes.

However, when that DOESN’T work, I feel like it’s completely ok to talk to her about it.  The other night, she had planned to come to the roller derby game I was reffing.  Then, she was invited to some friends’ housewarming party, so she planned to go to that. Fine.  That day, as I ran out the door to the rink, she said to call her when I was done so we could hang out.  Therefore, when people invited me to the after party, etc, I told them that I had prior plans. I texted her during half time, and she said she’d just gotten to the party, and I told her when I’d be done, and she responded positively. The trouble came once I was done. I called, and at first, she didn’t pick up. Then I called back, asked her if we were still on for hanging out, and she said not tonight.

While sometimes, I feel comfortable enough with her to be spontaneous and for plans to change, this wasn’t one of those times. It was pouring and freezing, and I just wanted to curl up in my warm car, drive up, and curl up in bed and cry.  To many, this may seem extreme. However, if you’re a planner who is meticulous about being on time and following through, and your plans suddenly change, and you’re already feeling depression coming on, it’s no good, especially when you’ve turned down other plans.

However, instead of just going home, curling up and crying, which was what I had planned, I opted rather to contact her (texting, as she was at a party), and let her know that the next time we hung out, we needed to check in about planning and feeling disappointment. We wound up having a quick text conversation that night, and then a more in-depth phone conversation the next morning about what my expectations had been (and whether they’d been accurate or not), and why I felt the way I did.  She apologized for her part in the mix-up, and I for mine, and we’re back on track, without me feeling used, ignored, or taking it out on her in any kind of passive aggressive stance.

THIS is what communication is about. Sometimes, as in my case, it involves breaking old habits of just saying “ok” or “I’m fine” when I’m really not. In her case, it involves opening up and sharing feelings, which is the antithesis of natural for her. Communication may be key, but that that doesn’t mean it’s easy. However, if you CAN get around whatever blocks are hold you and your partner(s) back, then it can work marvelously. This is my longest, and without a doubt, my healthiest relationship ever. It’s also my happiest to boot.  And what do I blame for that?

Well, communication, of course!

-Essin’ Em

I’m so in love with how well my relationship/partnership with Q is working out.  Like, am astounded.

We’ve been fucking since January.  That makes it four or five months that we’ve been fucking/hanging out/sexing/making out/chatting, etc.  And unlike that majority of my past relationships (primary or secondary), I’m not getting nervous.  Well, not in the same way.

With J, after our five month period, I realized that things weren’t working as well.  There wasn’t the same spark, the same connection.  While we had a difference of opinion as to the preferential way to end things (J was of the break things off immediately mode, and I prefer to let things run their natural course and just fizzle out), it was pretty obvious that the relationship as it existed was on its last legs. We were together about six months.

With F, it was the most ridiculously cyclical relationship.  I’d get upset by the way things were going, get ready to explain that it wasn’t working for me, and then she’d do something that made me feel better/wanted/etc, and we’d go back to a mini honeymoon period, and then the drinking, or processing conversations, or being flaked out on would get to me again, and I’d get frustrated and be ready to be done, and then I’d go away for a few days and come back and things would be better and dot dot dot etc. Regardless, I knew that there would definitely be an expiration date on that relationship in the capacity that it existed. We’re still acquaintances, but things are definitely done. And have been for a while. We were together almost five months.

Q is only the third person I’ve had sex with more than twice in the past three years.  Usually, it’s because I have sex with people while traveling, or while they’re visiting me, or before one of us went back to school, or right before one of us moved, or _______.  I was talking to Sasha Sappho about this, about how different it is to have any type of relationship (fuck buddies, secondaries, primaries, etc) when there isn’t a finite end date.  I eventually want to move West, but I know I’m staying in CO for a bit.  I don’t have a date that I’m leaving.  And that makes me nervous, because I tend to find it easier to open up myself to people when there IS an end date, so if they reject me, I can just leave and move on.

Q is not my girlfriend. We are not primaries.  However, she IS my partner, and she’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I can be 99% myself around her, which is more than I can say for any of my other partners (mostly my doing to try and change to make them happy, not their fault). She’s worked really hard to communicate better, and I’ve worked on not over thinking and labeling things.  She puts up with my silliness (meowing, breathing fire on her, listening to 80s music while fucking, etc).

The other day, I got a bit teary post-fucking. Why? Because I have hang ups on letting people playing with me when I know I’m not going to come because I feel like I’m being selfish and wasting their time.  I just wanted to get up and leave and not deal with it, but I stayed, and we talked about it.  She assured me she wouldn’t do anything she didn’t enjoy.  While that doesn’t “fix” my hang up, at least we discussed it.

I have sex with other people. She does too. And it works. Poly done right, if you will, although I personally identify more as non-monogamous than poly.  She knows I do phone sex, and porn, and all that, and has no issues (that she’s voiced) with it, but conversely doesn’t objectify me for it.

And the sex? My god, the sex! I cannot be in the same room as her without wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her. We’ve actually not hung out once since we started fucking where there has not been sex. We got close the other day, and just made out for an hour because she had a paper, but then there was fucking. With the exception of K, who I just feel this lust for, and happens to be unattainable in my mind (and a big tease, in a good way), I’ve never felt this much sexual attraction towards anyone.  We sex text occasionally, and suddenly, thoughts of sex with her permeate all other thought processes.  With most people, even with good sex, it started tapering off around month three for me.  I still like being with them, but I’m more cuddly and chatty, and less “please let me put my fingers inside you and then please fuck me until I can’t take it anymore and am calling yellow.” Not with Q. If anything, I am now even MORE sexually driven around her.

I feel good with her. I feel safe. I feel that I can be silly or serious, be nerdy, be happy or sad, and just be me around her.  She’s very validating, and I can be open.  Sometimes I tell her I’m feeling a bit judged (usually a bit in jest, but always with a grain of truth behind it), and we talk about it.  I feel like I can be vulnerable around her, let down my “I’m here to help, and can fix anything, and nothing is wrong with me” wall. It’s nice.

I like that now sometimes she calls me sweetie, or will scratch my back and rub my shoulders occasionally. We now have the intimacy that I’ve always wanted, but have been afraid to ask for, in fear that people will think I’m being to serious/girlfriendy/etc.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I don’t feel an expiration date coming up like I did with J and F.  But who knows?  And it doesn’t matter, because *right now,* in this second, this period in time, it’s working. I appreciate her very much, and am so happy she’s in my life. Who knows what it’ll be like in a month (hopefully well, because I want to go with her to the Canada vs United States women’s rugby game!), or two, or even next week. But right now, I’m so happy, so satisfied, and am so glad I found her.

That’s all.

-Essin’ Em

I am special.  I don’t mean that in the way people usually mean, the newer, more trendy way of making fun of those with cognitive disabilities (instead of saying the outwardly offensive “retarded”). No, I’m an acquired taste. Like licorice, people either really like me, or they really don’t.

My friends, my lovers, my partners, they slowly (or quickly) begin to learn about some of my…more quirky eccentricities.

I thought I’d share some of the ones I’ve thought of with you:

*When I am hitting/being hit (also spanked, etc), it has to be 100% even. I mean, if you hit my left side 10 times, you have to hit my right.  Same goes for more loving things. If I nibble one ear, I then have to nibble both. It HAS to be even. Like I will call red at a certain point if someone teases me by being completely uneven.

*Within 20 minutes after coming, everything I say gets a “get out of jail free pass.” Everything.

*In my house, I sleep on the right side of the bed. Always.

*When I go to the gym or anywhere with lockers, I have to get a locker with a magic number like 66, 99, 101, etc.  Even if it’s farther away or on the bottom.

*Right after I come, I need touch, and lots of it. If I’m on my back being fucked, I tend to grab onto my partner like a koala bear. I need lots of touch, and stat.

*I drink tea, not coffee. Ever. Although I do have a coffee pot for friends and partners who want to drink it.

*If I have to take the stairs, either up to down, I do it one leg at a time due to my knees.

*Post sex, Kinsey comes to spoon with us. Non-negotiable. 

*There are NO socks allowed in my bed. Ever. I’m anti-naked people with socks on, so I’ve had to make a rule.  Only exception (that I’ve never had to use) is cute knee socks.

*I kiss my hand and touch the ceiling when I go through a red light, regardless of who is driving.

*I CANNOT stand texting/typing the letter “u” instead of “you,” “r” instead of “are,” “2″ instead of “to” or “too” (it’s ok for “two”), etc.

*I am a scheduler/planner.  This was a HUGE issue with F, and it’s sometimes a slight frustration with Q.  I like to plan things in advance.  For example, I already have tickets to something August 22nd.  Ergo, I want to plan to get together with people a few days in advance. Most people in my age range are very fly by the seat of their pants. This drives me crazy, but I’m trying to learn how to deal with it.

I’m sure there are more, I just can’t think of them right now. If you know me in the real world, feel free to share.

-Essin’ Em

People ask me (although I’m not sure why) where to meet queer people. They tell me they’re interesting in dating, marrying, fucking, conversation, and they just don’t know where to meet lesbian, dykes, transguys, butches, femmes, bois, grrls, etc.

My answer?  Everywhere and anywhere.

L, who I dated a while, and have become really good friends with, I met at the DMV. No really. I awkwardly flirted with her, and wound up on a date with her.

F, although we’d gone to HS together, I met at a CD release party at a local club.

Rex, who fucks me on CrashPadSeries.com, and I met when I went to see the Pornotopia Film Festival (put on by Self Serve Toys) in New Mexico.

The most adorable submissive who I have a mini crush on and I met at a play party.

I met Q and a bunch of other incredibly interesting queer people at the Strap-On 101 class I taught at Hysteria.

Sasha Sappho and I went to middle school together (and are currently competing as to who has hooked up with more people from said middle school.  Including each other, she’s at 3, and I’ve got 4).  We’ve been friends on and off for years, and have reconnected.

J and I met on craigslist when I searched “queer” as a keyword.

I met someone else at a Team Gina concert, and flirted with a cute woman at the Denver Roller Dolls after party. I have some great queer friends I met while performing the Vagina Monologues.

Do things that interest YOU. It’s silly to try and go meet dykes at a local bar if you’re not a bar person. I’ve learned this.  Go to book groups, to rock climbing, to whatever it is that YOU like to do.  There will (likely, unless it’s a KKK or super conservative religious meeting) be other queer people there as well. I mean, as surprising as it is, we are amongst you, infiltrating society with the homosexual agenda.

Meeting people is hard, for sure. I know this far more than I’d like to…but the best way to meet people, especially those who share interests with you is to do things that you actually like, and get to know other people in the same boat.

Just a thought.

-Essin’ Em

I think sex should be fun. And funny. And all that jazz. I’ve written about that all before.

But I thought you might enjoy some instances of when laughter is necessary.

*When M and I were hooking up, there were many amusing things. Such as the infamous “My Anus is Bleeding” interaction, and the conversation about her being my pet. 

*F and I were fucking once, and heard a crack. She paused. “Don’t you fucking even think about stopping.” She looked at me inquisitively. “I don’t bloody know what that was but fuck me harder NOW!”  About an hour or so later, we were cuddling, and I got up to go to the bathroom.  When I came back, I looked at the bed, and her. She’d rolled towards the middle.  In fact, the whole bed had sunk into the the middle.  After we took apart the whole bed, we found out that she, in the oh-so-important process of fucking me, broke my frame in two places, and bent it in another.  It was about 2am, and we were trying to take apart a broken bed, and put it back together. All we could do was laugh.

*I thought the other night that I had a brilliant idea. Now, often, during sex I have many “brilliant ideas.”  Usually, I’m smart enough to think things through, and warn my partners that I’m about to try something that may in fact be ridiculous. An epic fail.  Like the one time I had one hand deep inside Q, and was trying to put a condom on my Hitachi, with one hand (PS – putting condoms on Hitachis is fucking hard with TWO hands – they should make Hitachi specific safer sex covers). I tore the condom open (carefully) with my teeth. I tried to oh so smoothly slide the condom over the Hitachi (after telling Q to look away in case it went horrible wrong…and of course, she didn’t). Yeah, some how (no idea how) snapped the damn condom into my breasts…hard enough to leave a mark.  Second try, I got it on, but was still laughing really hard. Anyways, the other night, I had an idea. I forgot to tell Q about my idea though…I just made her stay on her knees on my bed, legs spread apart, hands handcuffed behind her neck. I thought it would be a genius idea to go down on her by sliding underneath her on my back, and eat her out that way.

Ultimate FAIL.  I got come all over my face. I’m talking about not being able to breathe, sealing my eyes shut, in my eyebrows, in my hair (a bit ala Something About Mary). I was so distracted by all of the come (as fun as it was) and trying to breathe that I wasn’t able to properly eat her out. I wound up laughing a lot before pushing her back on the bed.

When people fall off the bed, or snap themselves in the boob with a condom, or so other similarly silly things, all you can do is laugh. And keep going. If you can’t laugh, then what can you do?

I share these stories with you not because I enjoy people laughing at me (although sometimes I do).  I share them because I think I have pretty fucking phenomenal sex.  I haven’t had an unsatisfying sexual experience in over a year.  Lately, it’s been really great amazing sex…with F, with S, with Q.  And you know what? It hasn’t been smooth, perfect, everything goes as planned sex. F and I laughed all the damn time.  S tried to tied me up with a sling of sort around my neck that I almost strangled myself with, and I couldn’t get the damn condom on the Hitachi.  With Q, I’ve had Kali decide to sit on my ass for a good 30 or 40 minutes while I was between Q’s legs, going down on her. I’ve said really awkward things. We’ve spooned with Kinsey.

Sex is fun. It’s funny. It HAS to be. There will be sex fails, just as there will be successes.  Why not enjoy it?

-Essin’ Em

Mollena’s HNT post last week started me thinking about menstruation, and fucking people while they’re bleeding. I started by writing her a comment, but clearly, I got very involved. It was about blood, and fucking, and fucking while there is blood involved.

I have an odd relationship w/ menstrual blood. I personally hate *my* period, and love that with CBC, I can have it once a year…and have no problem being fucked during that time. It isn’t the bleeding that bothers me. It’s the pain, and inability to walk for a day or two, and the pain, and the nausea, and the…anyways. I have it once a year or so, ergo, I rarely have to think about the role that bloody plays in my sex life.

J had some body dysphoria regarding bleeding that I hadn’t been aware of, and the one time we tried having sex during J’s bleeding, J flipped out and I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening comforting. I felt awful. I know, not entirely my fault, but I’m Jewish – I feel guilt like a professional

F was only ok with it the last day or so of hers.  We were together long enough that I started to remember her cycle, and to figure out the few days she wasn’t ok with it.  Usually by the time I got the “all clear” from her, I might get a little hint of blood on my hands or the glove, but barely enough to even notice.

A week or two ago, things changed. The other day, I needed sex so god damn fucking badly. I cannot explain this. I mean, I was humping bike racks in downtown Boulder. Masturbating wasn’t cutting it. I tried to booty call text Q. “This isn’t really a good week” she said. At first, I thought she was busy, and was confused…wasn’t she done with stuff for spring break? “Ok.” I wrote back, frustrated.  How were we supposed to be using each other for sex if there wasn’t any sex taking place?

Later that night, it hit me. It was that time of the month for her, must be. I texted her “you know I’m totally ok with fucking people who are bleeding, right?” (oh, I was so that suave. No, really.). She wrote back puzzledly. This went on for a bit, and later we were talking about something else, and I brought it up on the phone. I explained that I had no issues with it, and had a throe, towels, and a shower, so it’d be fine.  We then made arrangements for fucking a few days down the road.

I didn’t bring up the fact that I have a fantasy about fisting someone on their period, and then smearing their blood all over them in sort of a fun, fucking artistic statement. And on me too. I think it would be interesting and fun, and probably creep out 99% of the people I’ve had sex with.  So welcome to secret sharing 101 – I’ve never told anyone that before.

Long story short, we fucked. And it was bloody and messy. That’s what the Fascinator Throe is for, right? A red towel to clean up afterward, and voila.

Actually, it was very interesting. Normally, Q is a two finger kind of cunt. Well, her cunt is, I don’t mean to call her one. Anyways, as I started to fuck her, I slid into her, and she opened for me. First for three fingers, then for four. I was shocked, but it felt amazing as I felt her open up, as I found more and more of myself inside her.  And I even had a first (I don’t have that many firsts anymore); I felt her cervix.  Not only that, but she liked it (I’ve had my cervix bumped a few times and did NOT like it. In fact, I hated it. Resulted in pain and cramping).  She liked it so much that I continued to play with it…I massage her cervix as I fingered her and fucked her. Now I’m wondering if she likes that when she’s not bleeding.

Then I washed the Throe, boiled the toys, popped the condom off the Hitachi, and called it a day.

So voila. My thoughts on fucking during bleeding. As long as both parties are ok with it, I have absolutely no problem with it, and even think it’s fun. Plus, for many people, orgasming during that time can reliving cramping.  As if you really needed another reason to fuck!

-Essin’ Em

Holy heck, that title had a lot of apostrophe’s!

Following in Amber’s footsteps, I’ve decided to give you a quick and dirty post about all of the letters (and come names) you will find in my blog. Some of them have been in my life, and are no longer (or are no longer an active part of my life), others you’ll read about currently. So voila; the Key to Essin’ Em, and her semi-love, more kink and sex life. It’s KIND OF (kind of being the operative part) in chronological order. Let me know if I’m missing anyone.

Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smary, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome. I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely woman I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. I really want to play with her at some point, but that remains to be seen.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected. She’s currently in NY, but will hopefully come back when she graduates college in May. We played at Thunder in the Mountains last year, but otherwise, are just really good friends.

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with hi,

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.