Sexuality Happens

I got an email, assumably from someone’s agent (I’m not quite sure), promoting an article about labiaplasty. For those of you who don’t know, this is plastic surgery on the labia. To make them look like some fictional, non-existant norm.

Let me reiterate what I say in every god damn class I teach. Vulvas are like snowflakes; each is unique, and beautiful just the way it is. I hold up Vivianne, my vulva puppet, and explain that sometimes the outer lips are biggers, but sometimes the inner lips are bigger. Sometimes the lips (either set, or even both) can be uneven.

There is NO reason, aside from a painful accident, to EVER, EVER EVER. Get labia plasty. Period. You are beautiful just the way YOU are(or your partner/friend/lover is beautiful just the way THEY are). Some of these surgeries require epic amounts of money, time, recovery, sometimes being put under…and sometimes, (often) the clients are still not happy with their vulvas.

Well, it turns out this article is PRO-Labiaplasty. Someone, somewhere, put me on a press list for fucking PRO genital mutilation articles…because that’s what non-emergency labiaplasty is. Genital mutiliation. The end. So I wrote back, asking if they had send me this because how atrocious and ridiculous this article was, supporting women cutting up their genitals to have some sort of “perfect” or “ideal” vulva that just doesn’t even exist.

Her answer?

This article was sent with the belief that women are allowed to do what they want with their vaginas and that there are far more atrocious things that can be done to them than labiaplasty.  That said, we find the article and subject matter interesting, and wanted to pass it along.

Thanks,
Amanda Z***********

Globalpost

THERE ARE FAR MORE ATROCIOUS THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE TO THEM OTHER THAN LABIAPLASTY. Um. What? I mean, if you’re going to count sexual assault, then yet. It doesn’t happen specifically to a vulva though — it happens to the whole person. I can honestly not think of anything worse happening to a vulva specifically than having it cut up. For not reason other than some non-existant ideal. Possibly losing most/all sensation in said lips.

I’m sorry, but while I support everyone’s right to make personal choices, I do not support our society telling vulva owners that they aren’t good enough, and so need to cut up their area of pleasure to appeal to some made up, bull shit standard.

The article itself, in the Global Post, did have one redeeming paragraph (out of two freaking pages talking about porn stars vulvas (NOT vaginas, btw) being the models for women who come in wanting vulva surgery because they want to look “perfect.’  The paragraph?

Virginia Braun, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Auckland, has also railed against the trend.

“We came to believe that, despite claims that they are about empowering women and improving women’s sexual pleasure, these surgeries were being recommended out of a misogynist disregard for women’s genital diversity and a willingness to exploit women’s lack of knowledge and confidence about their genitals,” she wrote in a study called “The ‘Designer Vagina’ and the pathologisation of female genital diversity: Interventions for change,” published in Radical Psychology earlier this year.

Otherwise, fuck this. Anyone who tells me that their are many worse things that can happen to ANYTHING is making excuses and creating a hierarchy of oppression.

Well, she sure did give me something to write about, although I’m sure it’s not the way she expected.

Love every vulva. Irregardless. The end.

-Essin’ Em

This is a letter I wrote back yesterday to a company that I had never before heard from, who wanted me to put up a graphic above vibrator use (explaining men’s sex toy use versus women’s sex toy use…with blue and pink “men” and “women”) along with a link to their site. In fact, they were even so kind to include the code to their site, so it would be that much easier for me to link to them and provide content for my users create better, free SEO for them.

I’m not going to link to them, because that’s what they wanted in the first place. However, this is not the first company I’ve had beef with. Here are a few thoughts, all based on real letters I’ve gotten.

*If you post a ridiculous comment on my blog that doesn’t make sense, just to get your link in the comment/on my page, I WILL delete it.

*When you email me asking to set up a phone call with your CEO, please explain exactly what you’d like us to talk about. I’m oh so easily confused by lack of information.

*I do not do link exchanges. I have that all over my site. If you’d like to advertise, I have a page with all the info. Or email, and ask for the info. This is not some recently started blogspot site — this is part of my livelihood.

*It’s ok to ask for a deal on long term ads. It is not ok to try and cut my offer in half, or even more. I will refuse you. I work with other bloggers, and when one of us agrees to ridiculous ad terms, it hurts us all.

*I am not an idiot. Telling me that a link on your site, which has a way worse Alexa and PR rating than mine, will improve my traffic and make me famous, is bullshit. And just because you send me the code doesn’t mean I’ll link to you, like a little sheep.

*Asking me to re-review a toy I already own and link it to your page is ridiculous.

*Asking me to make up a review of a toy I don’t have and link it to your site is un-ethical and ridiculous.

*Asking me to join an affiliate program that has a video that won’t shut up, and graphics of huge dollar signs (ala the 80s and 90s) is silly. Continuing to bug me about it after I’ve politely decline is just plain rude and stupid.

*Please don’t offer me crappy ass jelly toys. I understand if you can’t offer Vixen or Lelo, especially if you don’t know me/my reviews yet. However, if I tell you I only review glass/silicone/medical grade plastic/metal/ceramic/wood toys, and you offer me a butterfly kiss or something similar, it means you’re not listening. Grrr.

*Complimenting my video reviews, and saying you’d love to work with me doing more reviews, videoed classes, etc, is sweet. Then telling me that you’d charge me to do so, while you made the money off of them, is just rude, ridiculous, and pisses me the fuck off.

*It’s ok if you want to advertise and haven’t read my blog. However, regardless of why you’re emailing me, don’t tell me you love my blog if you don’t, or that you’ve read it if you haven’t. Telling me that my blog would be a good match with an all gay male site is pretty silly, and shows me you haven’t read my stuff. Same goes for his and her pheremones, sex supplements, etc. It just makes you look like an idiot.

Summation: I’m not an idiot. Please don’t think you can fool me into posting your link, or bargain me down to a ridiculous price for advertising, or into paying you for services that I’m usually the one getting paid for, or into thinking that you actually know who I am/are a reader of my blog. I’d rather you just deal with me respectufully and business like. Otherwise, you get a snippy email and a big ol’ delete. Unless you really piss me off, and then I warn other bloggers about you.

The end.

-Essin’ Em

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters endevor. As my father has been dead more than a decade, and fulfills other days, I’m going to write this to my mother.

Mother -

We have what many would see as a tumultuous relationship. There really are three parts of you that I get. There is the awesome part, that sends me news articles about gay marriage in other countries, that makes fun of John McCain, that sends Q and I fans for our cars out of the blue.

Then there is the side that has hurt me so much emotionally over the years; the side that convinced me that my family would never approve of/support me in what I do, that my relationships would never be welcome, that I would be ground in HS if I got a B. This is the side that plays BLATANT favoritism with my sister, to the point that people have pointed it out and asked me what I did to piss you off. This is the side that has caused countless tears, nights without sleep, thoughts of becoming a runaway, of emancipating myself in college, of disowning the family. You’ve gotten better in the past bit, but it’s still hard not to think of the acts you did that made me hate myself and regret living. Telling someone they tried to kill themselves because they wanted attention, or because they had a vegetarian diet? That’s just low.

And now, as you grow older into your 60s, there is the side that worries me. This is the part of you that tells me the same thing three times in one phone conversation, that has you confusing me with my sister, that has you tripping in the backyard, falling and hurting your knees. You live alone in a 3-story house, and I know you can’t even get down to the basement to deal with the cat litter (there is vomit and shit all over the floor). I keep trying to encourage you to sell and down size, offering to help you go through the stuff, and to move, but you reject it. I’ve offered to get my handy man friend to come over and put up towel racks that have fallen down for years, or lights that have been out for months. I get no response. It’s very hard to take care of someone who is slowly falling apart when they won’t accept your help. And it’s very hard to offer you help when I’ve been in dire situations, and gotten none from you.

I don’t hate you. I used to think I did, but I’ve realized that I don’t. However, it’s also incredibly hard to love you. I feel like I love you because I have to, not because there has been a growth of love between us. I hope this changes in the next few years, I do. I don’t want to feel this way. I can see that you’re trying; offering to pay for the cupcakes in our wedding is a HUGE step, especially since you don’t support the fact that we’re getting wedded. I appreciate that, and I give you my word that I will try to. Just know that this is all going to take time, and I don’t quite know how much of that we have, given the average life length in our family. But I will try.

I love you, in my own way,

-Essin’ Em

Always Aroused Girl has been blogging a bit lately about the oh so fun game of trial and error with her pills, and I feel so much empathy for her, she doesn’t even know. I actually have to have a spreadsheet now of what pills I’ve tried for which problem, their dosage, why they didn’t work, etc…other wise, I have no idea when the doctor asks me if I’ve tried Alavil, and if so, why it didn’t work.

I take about 8 or 9 pills every morning, depending on the condition of my knees. Then 2 at lunch, and another 3 before bed. This is assuming I’m not in any intense knee pain (up it by one more pill every 4-6 hours), or having a migraine (I get 2-3 a week…then add 3 pills to start, and 1 every hour till they knock me out).

People joke with me that I’m a travelling pharmacy when they see my giant travel pill box. But I have to have it with me at all times, because I never know when something will act up. Plus, of course I keep a bottle of IBprofen in my purse, because that’s my first line of defense for my knees/hips before I add the oxycodone.

I hate it. A lot. I hate having to swallow literally a handful of pills every morning. A whole handful. If you ever meet me, you’ll be very impressed with my ability to swallow almost a dozen pills all at once. I’m like a python or something.  It takes practice. I remember having to learn to swallow pills when I was younger, and I got to practice with M and Ms. Which actually sucked, because you didn’t get the taste the chocolate.

I hate not being able to go anywhere without the clacking of my pills. Without my purse, I get nervous.  What happens if ___.

I mentioned on twitter my frustration with all the damn pills (keep in mind some are not traditional Western medicine; I take glucosamine chondrontine for my knees, and flaxseed Omega-3 for my heart and B-12 cause I’m a vegetarian), and someone said that when they felt that way, they just stopped taking them all for a few days.

While this may work for some, please note how dangerous this can be with many drugs. In college, I was on Paxil, mostly for my insommnia.  I got sick of taking it, and so in my 16 year old mind, the best option was to just stop taking it, ignoring the fact it had taken 2 weeks to ramp up to my current dose.  4 days of cold turkey and I ended up in a severe depression and tried to kill myself. PLEASE be careful with your drugs.

The point of this post? There really is none. Just me bitching about the ridiculous amount of medication I have to take on a daily basis, and to please warn people about going off any med (prescribed or OTC or natural) suddenly. Your body needs time to adjust.

I don’t need any more migraine med recommendations. I’ve gone through the list. The med my current neurologist wants to put me on has been refused by my insurance (like my allergy medication), and costs $160 for 4 pills. FOUR PILLS.  It’s cheaper for me to go to the ER ($150 copay) than to pay out of pocket for the migraine pills I need to keep me out of the ER.

So I just up the doses of what I have, and hope it works.

People wonder why I don’t really care about gambling…it’s because I do it every day with my health. Trying to figure out which pill fucked up which part of me, trying to avoid taking pain killers, but guessing whether the pain will become unbearable. It’s all roulette…just with me, instead of red and black.

-Essin’ Em

Last week was a crazy week. Follow up from my birthday, Channukah, our anniversary, getting a job (will write about it soon), etc.

Something I didn’t get to write about that I had wanted to was the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, which is December 17th (Q and my anniversary) every year. There are vigils, protests, conversations, panels, etc in honor of this day, and toward the goal of stopping violence against sex workers.  You can learn more at the Sex Worker Outreach Project’s website.

Why, you may ask, does this matter?

Firstly, NO ONE deserves violence against them. Period.  Not while they work, not at home, not period. Regardless of what you believe about sex workers, there should not be violence perpetrated against them.

Next, let’s look at sex workers.  What is a sex worker? It’s someone fulfilling a need, providing more of a full service customer service.  Instead of worrying about whether someone is satisfied with their filet mignon (or burger), or that blood diamond they just dropped the cost of a house on, sex workers are worrying about whether people feel cared for, whether they are getting their needs met.  Same work, just different medium.

Sex workers are porn stars, pro dommes, prostitutes, escorts, phone sex operators, sex surrogates, etc.  We are people, just like you. We work jobs in order to make money to survive. Some of us love our jobs, others don’t, just like you. We have good days, and bad days. We like some of our clients, we don’t like others, but can’t say that to their face, because they’re customers, and the customer is (almost) always right.

We are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, feminists, those with higher education, and those with no formal education, from all types of backgrounds. We all like connecting with people in some way, shape or form. Some of us have other jobs, others don’t. Some have pets, some hate animals. Some love bacon, others of us are vegetarians. We have days where we are insecure, and days where we feel like we’re on top of the world.

You don’t always know in your life who is a sex worker.  Who knows if one of your friends or family members is a sex worker? Why not stand up to stop violence against of group of people who live amongst you. We are human, just like you.  Do we deserve violence, scorn, police raid, hatred, etc?  Not any more than any other human, not in my book.

I take a moment to think of all those sex workers who have been hurt, maimed, killed, etc. And then hope that change is made.

-Essin’ Em

I’m not sure if anyone watches Rachael Maddow (if you don’t, you should, and not just because she is incredibly witty and ridiculously hot). However, if you haven’t you should check out her site.

Last week, she had a couple of shows that talked about the anti-gay bill in Uganda, and Richard Cohen’s “gay fixing” program that inspired this whole thing.

This post isn’t about that.  However, his book/CD set title “Coming Out Straight” made me think.

I hate that coming out is specific only to what is currently minority populations.  One comes out as queer, as kinky, as non-monogamous. It’s very rare to come out as straight, as monogamous, as vanilla (unless your community is queer/non-monogamous/kinky, in which you ARE then the minority).

Why do we have this default of “you should only come out/express your sexuality if you’re not the norm?”  I mean, really, what’s wrong either with no one having come out, or having everyone come out? Why is it so specific?

I mean yes, I understand why people in the minority choose to come out.  Living your life as it is, instead of hiding things, is freeing.  As is strength in numbers. But what if we could just love who we wanted to love, and fuck who we wanted to fuck, and commit to who we wanted to commit to without having to fly our flag?

At Sex 2.0 last year, Sarah Dopp said something about not all people (I think specifically queers, but also talking about kinksters, etc) want to wave their flag high, and they shouldn’t be made to out themselves, or even stand up and be counted. Not everyone is for a cause — some people just wanted to be who they are and not have to fight the battle everyday.

Conversely, what if we started a bigger dialogue about sexuality, so that everyone was talking about their journeys, regardless of the type of sex they like to have, or who they’re attracted to. What if instead of the default of straight/monogamous/vanilla, we actually encourage people (kids, teens and adults) to think about their sexuality, and share it with their friends, partners, families (birth and chosen). 

I know I speak of a much more utopian society, and that many of my questions on this are rhetorical. If we live in a society where we continue to be unequal (as of late, think of New York and New Jersey), how can we ever expect to be anything other than the “other” (in contrast to the default/norm)? What is it about our society, our culture, about humanity that we have to box things in, segregate things out, make the normal and the other?

Just thoughts. I know there is no answer to any of these questions. But I would like to hear a dialogue about coming out as a non-minority. Have any of you done it? Told your friends/family/partners/co-workers that you’re hetero? Or that you’re monogamous? How was it taken? How did it feel?

-Essin’ Em

The week or two ago, Sequoia wrote an interesting post about nudity and sexuality.  It got me thinking.

What is wrong with nudity? I mean, seriously. There are few things I love more in this world (Q, our cats, sex, reading a good book, etc) than hanging around naked. Whether it’s reading in bed nude, my body against the sheets, or standing out in the warm sun with not a stich of clothes, and cuddling naked with Q on the couch, I absolutely LOVE being naked.

And yet, even though we’re born naked, it feels good to be naked, even though it’s just as healthy to be naked, society has a huge beef with it. 

Because obviously nudity = sex/pervert.  It’s apparently impossible to be naked without clearly wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone in your path.  Nude beaches are few and far between, as are nudist colonies, and people are shocked about those that attend these areas. Moreover, homophobia comes into play, because for some reason, people think that anyone who is gay and naked is now a pedophile.

Sequoia talked about how she sub-conciously likes to touch herself when she’s naked. I’m the same way…although I don’t even need to be completely naked to be doing that without thinking about. It’s not usually in a sexual sense — I have an itch, or am enjoying the breeze, or it just feels nice to have touch all over my body with nothing in the way.

Why is this so bad?  I hated my body, HATED it, until I started the tradition of my car being a topless car for everyone in it after 2am.  Let me tell you, this increased my body image SO much, seeing other people naked, getting to be naked, etc. Ditto goes for thee nude pictures we took and auctioned off  the three years I was in the Vagina Monologues in undergrad.

Nudity save my life. My horrible self-image of my body contributed to  some of my epic depression. It still does at times…I mean, I watch porn I’ve made, and question this roll, or that scar at times. Or I have days where I don’t fit into my favorite outfit the way I want. Granted, I love my body for the most part now, but I still, just like anyone else, have days I question my body and my body image.

But I KNOW how much worse it would be if I hadn’t learned to love being nude. Between theatre, and pictures, and porn, and kink, and living on my own where I can wander around my apartment (and Q’s place) completely naked, sleep naked, bake naked (and cook in an apron — hot oil is hot).

So why are we so against nudity. Other than the possibility of sunburns, or hot oil burns, why have we developed a hatred of nudity, and why have so many nudist developed this high level of homophobia.  We’re born without clothes, without significant sexual attractions (although fetuses and infants DO masturbate, P-fucking-S). When do we learn to be ashamed of our bodies, and to be horrified by different orientations, making assumtions about them? Why?

-Essin’ Em

I am over fat hatred. Seriously.

I was listening to the radio on the way to work the other day — obviously a bad plan. However, my iPod was charging, so radio it was. And of course, I happen to turn it on to the “Celebrity Trash and Bash” part of the morning show. Where, of course, they made fun of celebrities for being fat…because know Mariah Carey is fat. Wait, what?  And then they went on about Mo’Nique about her size…not even mentioning her role in a new movie that has Oscar buzz.  

I switch the channel.  More jokes about a guy who is hoping for “big things” from some sort of personal ad…obviously, by “big things,” he must be a chubby chaser.

WHY IS THIS OK?

What is wrong with our society that we are so judgmental of people?

I’m currently trying to lose some weight. I’m not trying to be not fat – I just gained a lot of weight during my jobless depression stage, and can’t afford to buy a new wardrobe. Ergo, I need to lose the weight I gained (especially before I hit this new jobless phase, and get all depressed again).  But instead of people just being generic about their support (you know, saying good luck, or that they support me), it’s turned into a big thing.

People are telling me that “it’s about time” that I made this decision. Or that I’ll “look so great” when I’m done. Right…because it’s not like I can look great the way I am, obviously.  Or when I explain I want to lose like 20 pounds, everyone seems shocked. “Don’t you want to aim for a goal weight of 150 or something?”  

No. I don’t. First of all, I cannot afford a completely new wardrobe, and honestly, if I was 150 (which I haven’t been since I was 13 or so), I would definitely need a new wardrobe. Secondly, I’m ok with being a curvy/voluptuous/fat/fill in the blank woman. I don’t need to fit social standards of beauty.

I eat healthily. I’ve been a vegetarian 17 years…the kind that actually eats veggies, as compared to the kind who lives on grilled cheese and French fries.  I exercise when my pain level is low enough. I make sure I eat enough protein. My cholesterol is low, my blood pressure is so low that I can’t take certain meds, and my doctor told me that overall, I’m one of his healthiest patients.

So if there is nothing wrong with me from a health perspective, how come I’m told I’m too big all the time. Clothing stores, magazines, even people I consider acquaintances.  Why are we so focused on telling people, specifically women, that they’re too big, too fat, that they’re taking up too much space? Why is size one of the only acceptable “isms” left. It’s ok to tease us, make fun of us, use us, say hateful things to us…because it’s not longer as acceptable to joke about race, age, and sometimes sex (note: I said “as acceptable).

End rant. For now.

-Essin’ Em

Oh, ho. It’s time for a socio-political post/rant. Please note that if you don’t like my opinions, you are welcome to dissent.  However, you must do so politely.  Rude comments and trolls will be deleted.

Not so radical statement of the day; if you are against equality of marriage (people being allowed to get married regardless of sex, gender, or presentation), you are telling a portion of the population, myself included, that we are second-class citizens, that we’re not as good as you.

Go ahead, dissent, PLEASE. I actually really want you to. Why? Because I have yet to hear a proper arugement against marriage equality.

Let me put forth that I don’t, in general, support marriage being a governmental activity. I mean, I’m all for weddings (religious or non-religious, unless they’re just ridiculously expensive) and commitment ceremonies and handfastings. I just don’t think there should be rights tied to ANYONE’S marriage, regardless. However, since there ARE rights (over a thousand, at last count) tied to being married, then I think everyone should be allowed to enter into a governmental marriage. 

I know, I haven’t written a lot on it. Colorado turned down a referendum to offer civil unions in 2006, and there wasn’t anything marriage equality specific on the ballot last fall.  While prop 8 was a big deal, and I’m so proud of Iowa, NH and other places, it hasn’t directly affected me.

But I have marinated on it a lot. And at the end of August, when Q and I were in Phoenix, and for the first time in my life I actually felt BAD for being queer, I realized it was time I speak up.

Let’s look at some arguements. Not just ones I’ve heard about, but ones that have been said to my face.

“If teh gays marry, people will want to marry their dogs.”

Riiiiight. Ok. So I’m not sure if you’re telling me that as a gay/queer person, I’m on the same rights level as a dog…but if you are, you’re a douche hat.  Also, beastiality is illegal. Being queer in America isn’t. Done.

“Being gay is an abomination according to god/the bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman.”

Last time I checked, America was supposed to have separation of church and state.  So really, while your bible/god may matter a hell of a lot to you, it doesn’t matter (or shouldn’t matter) to the government.  Also, I’m sorry your god is a hateful and/or venegful god.  I think god should be all about minding your own business.  I bet you’d be pretty pissed if I told you that you couldn’t drive on public roads to get to church, because my taxes went towards your roads, and I didn’t believe in you going to church.

“If gays get married, it’ll make my hetero marriage so much less valid/you’re fucking with the sanctity of marriage”

Why?

True. I mean, it’s not like people get drunk and marry strangers in Las Vegas, get married to friends to avoid mandatory student housing in college, get married to gain rights/citizenships, get married and get divorced 1 years/6 months/48 hours later.

OH WAIT. I know people who have sone ALL OF THOSE.  What sanctity of marriage?

“Well, I’m not homophobic/am pro-gay, I just am against gay marriage/marriage equality.”

THIS. PISSES. ME. OFF.

That’s like saying “it’s not like I’m anti-cripple.  I just think that they don’t deserve to have elevators or ramps to get around.” Or “it’s not like I’m racist. I just don’t think black kids should go to school with white kids.” Or “I’m not sexist, I just don’t think women belong in office jobs.”

Ditto for people that think civil unions are the solution. Yes, it’s a step, but it is NOT the same thing. It’s saying “seperate but equal,” which as you may remember, was used to perpetuate racism.

How dare you (whoever you is) make me feel bad for being who I am, and how dare you tell me that I’m not as good as you because I am not just like you in my preference of lovers/partners.

If you against marriage equality, you are perpetuating homophobia, hate and biogtry.  You made not agree, but that’s what it boils down to.

Imagine not being able to see the person you’ve loved all your life in the ICU or OR as they are slipping away, and you can’t even say goodbye, or tell them how much you love them, because you don’t have the rights. Imagine not being able to pick your adopted child up from school, because you’re not a “legal” guardian because it’s illegal.  Imagine not being able to split up your assests through divorce preceedings because you were never really together, so it doesn’t matter if s/he leaves will all your stuff, and your kid(s). Imaging you have amazing health insurance and your partner REALLY needs it (for surgery, for cancer, for anything), and you can’t share it with them. Imagine not qualifying for a house/car/etc because the loan company wouldn’t combine your incomes because you’re not legally married. Now imagine over one thousand other situations like this.

Yeah. If you are against marriage equality (which can be either allowing everyone to get governmentally married, or not having governmental marriage period), you are subjegating an entire group of people.

I’m sure I’ll get a ton of hate mail on this. I’m ready. Because really, I don’t have much to lose, do I? It’s not like my partner and I are even close to being considered real citizens.  Shame on you in advance, and bring it on.

-Essin’ Em

This is an issue.

A huge one.

Domestic violence, and relationship violence, and sexual violence, and all of that? Huge issue, period. Regardless of who is involved. It affects EVERYONE, whether you’re a victim/survivor, someone who knows people involved, family, friends, counselors, etc.  Everyone is part of this.

We have a lot of problems talking about DV/RV and getting everyone to realize that it IS a problem affecting everyone. Our concepts of it are that men abuse women. Physically, mentally, emotionally, with threats.  This is all violence. It’s hard to help people understand that abuse is more than just hitting, yet most people “get it” eventually.

But what happens when it is a woman abusing a man? Suddenly, everyone is skeptical.  Women abusing men? But how?!? Teh men are all so big and scary and…what? Are they going to hit them back and become violent themselves? Are they going to hurt their partners just to get out of it? Why can’t we see women as abusive? Because let me tell you, they definitely can be.

And if people have a hard enough time understanding that women can abuse men, it gets even more complicated in the queer community. Can women abuse women? And men abuse men? Moreover, does it matter on gender presentation?

I have a friend. Actually, the first dyke I had sex with. Who now identifies as either a stone butch or a transguy – we haven’t talked too much as of late. Anyway, this amazing person is a victim of relationship violence at the hands of their Femme partner.  And very few people can fathom this.

Because if women are abusing women, it MUST be the more masculine presenting person doing the abuse, right?

Bull fucking shit.

Anyone can abuse anyone, regardless of relationship type, gender presentation, sex, age, etc. Abuse is abuse, anyway it happens.

It is fucking hard to report abuse, to ask for help, period. It is even harder to leave. Depending on whose statistics you read, it can take 7-12 times of trying to leave your partner before you can actually do it without going back. Ridiculously hard to do, for a variety of reasons.

Now imagine trying to ask for help, to get support, when you are in the minority.  When you’re queer, or gay, or lesbian, or in a poly family, or a butch being abused by a femme. Imagine how much harder it is.

I’ve looked for resources, because I wanted to share.  In Colorado, we have the Colorado Anti-Violence Program, which has a hotline, but it’s generally geared towards violence against queer people by non-queer people.  I’ve talked to generic DV/RV hotlines, and they say anyone is welcome to call…but having talked with a few of their workers, I can see how hard it would be to be queer and call in.

So folks, I put this to you.  This is a problem in our community. It is.  How do we provide help, support, resources and more? Are the numbers and organizations I don’t know about? Post them here, please share them. Do you have ideas to help make this cause more known, and/or take the stigma away? Please, speak up.

To all victims/survivors of abuse, regardless of gender or orientation, please know I support you. In any way I can. My heart goes out to you…and hopefully, we, as a community, are on our way to creating a better support system for you and your loved ones.

That is all.

Essin’ Em