Sexuality Happens

I love my job. A lot.

There are some days I like it less. It is often entirely stressful, it can be frustrating, and working in the field of sex education often leads to me being questioned as an educator, told I’m not enough not a real educator, etc.

However, some days are just wonderful – I realize I’ve changed people’s lives, I’ve helped to save people’s relationships, I’ve helped people to discover things about themselves.

And somedays? Wow.

At my last Let’s Talk Sex workshop in Phoenix, after the class, a young woman came up to me. She looked familiar — I realized that she was a Fascinations Facebook Fan, and commented often, as well as attended classes. She told me that her sister had died in November, and that was why neither of them had been at my November class. She told me how much my updates on social media had meant to her sister, how much she loved attending my classes, reading my facts of the day, etc. She told me, through tears, that she was just hanging in there, but that her sister would have wanted her to tell me how much I had meant to her during her life.

I went home, driving 45 minutes thinking about this. Q was out of town, so I made a cup of tea, tucked myself under the covers with the kitties, and cried.

What I do, what people in my field do, changes lives. Period. We often present to people that we never seen again, never talk to again. Unlinke a college professor, or a therapist, we don’t have a lot of continuity with the people whose lives we touch. But this? Hearing from someone’s family member how much what I did had meant to them? It’s both very heavy and very lightening at the same time.

Sex education remains a difficult field…but things like this? THIS is what keeps me going, every single day, despite the frustration and the tiredness and the being broke and the getting called out and the long days and longer nights. What I do matters.

-Essin’ Em

This is day 18 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor. It is supposed to be written to “The Person I Wish I Could Be.” This is a hard one, because I am who I am, and am pretty ok with that for the most part, and think it is futile to wish you were someone else. I’ll therefore write it to the person I hope to be in the future as I continue to grow.

Dear Self-

You’ve come so far, learning to deal with your depression, to function around your OCD and planner-y-ness. You’ve gone through your list of friends, finally realizing which ones are true friends, and have dedicated more time and energy to staying connected and being a part of their lives.

You’ve finally gotten back to the weight you are happy with (and had been happy with for so many years before the Neurontin had you gain 30+ pounds), and have no illusions about ever wanting to be a a size 6, because you’re happy with who you are physically, and realize that wanting to be something else isn’t worth it.

You’ve become successful, what ever that means. In the field of sex positivity and sex education, people know who you are, respect you, and enjoy having interesting discussions for you. Shockingly, you’re able to make your paycheck(s) based 100% on doing sex positive education and sharing with people, changing people’s lives and improving how people look at sex. You’ve paid off your loans, and your car, and your medical bills, and you and Q are living in a small house that you’ve worked together on fixing up.

You’ve found some good method for coping with stress; congrats. Goddess knows you’ve been looking for that one for a while. Thank the mooses you’ve found it, because stress should never be as big of a part of anyone’s life as it had been for you for so many years. Stress isn’t needed in order to accomplish things; I’m glad you’ve learned that.

Self, I can’t wait to be you in a year, in five years, in ten years. I’m proud of you now, and know I will continue to be.

-Essin’ Em

Somehow, I am always grouped as a sex blogger…but as many of you have probably noticed, I honestly don’t blog about sex that much. I mean, yes, I do talk about toys sometimes, or how sex is or isn’t affecting my relationship…but I as of the last year or so, I haven’t written/published as much erotica, I haven’t shared very much of my sex life, haven’t posted any nude pictures. There are many many many reasons for each of these decisions, but regardless, these topics are no longer part of my posting.

So am I still a sex blogger? I mean, I’m writing about queer weddings and relationship drama and letters to people throughout my life. Is sex and sexuality a part of it? Oh yes. But I feel like I’ve become more a life style blogger, perhaps a relationships blogger, I don’t even know.

Ergo, my question to you; what defines a sex blogger? Is it sex toy reviews? Is it erotic stories of past times? Is it deep conversation into gender identify and presentation? How does one know if they are or aren’t part of this whole “sex blogger” community?

And with that said…where do I fit?

-Essin’ Em

I am currently in Vegas for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality annual conference.

It’s always so interesting to me when I come to these things how “different” I am. I mean, there are very few people here with tattoos, most are sex therapists, marriage/family therapists, or college professors (now, I’d LOVE to teach at a college, but I’m not there yet). Very few people here teach direct to adults or college students outside of a classroom setting. Very few people teach directly about pleasure and how to improve sexual skills. Very people people know much about kink play and/or how to talk about it.

Now, this is not to say that other forms of sex education aren’t important. The more types of sex ed and ways to reach people about learning about sexuality, the better. However, at these events, the reactions I get when people find out what I do makes me feel more alienated” and that I’m not “enough,” not a “real sex educator. I don’t know how Charlie Glickman does it.

Add to that the technology aspect. I was told my live tweeting of the presentations (and my reactions to said presentations) made people uncomfortable, that people thought I was breaking the confidentiality (don’t share participants names/identify info) agreement. Why people assumed I was doing that (versus no one else in the room), I have no idea. I’ve tweeted at Sex 2.0 2009, Sex 2.0 2010, AASECT 2010, all with no issues. But here, it makes me even more an outsider, someone who doesn’t fit in the community. I ended up feeling incredibly attacked the way that it was framed, and wound up spending the latter half of the last day in tears, missing the last plenary as I tried to collect myself.

What makes someone a good sex educator? What makes someone a “real” sex educator? What makes someone a sex professional? And who is anyone to make that distinction.

I love my work. I love changing people’s lives. I love watching people’s eyes light up during my classes, seeing break-throughs during my sex coaching, and getting emails of thanks, or those seeking advice. I will not apologize for the type of work I do, or the fact that I use technology to reach out to even more people. However, maybe this is a sign that I don’t belong in these associations or societies, if I am made to feel less than simply because of the technology provided to me that I choose to use, or because of the type of education I choose to provide.

I am a sex educator, almost every moment of every day. However, here in Sin City, as I sit outside trying to collect myself, I feel small. I feel like an outcast. I feel like a black sheep. It’s grad school all over again. And I don’t know if it is healthy for me to continue to place myself in such situations.

-Essin’ Em

I found this site the other day — it’s called the Republican Sex and Marriage Advice show, which is a ridiculously dry, tongue in cheek parody of conservative responses to sexuality. Given what we’ve hear from people like Christine O’Donnell and the like, it’s nice to have something ridiculous like this that you KNOW is parody.

Don’t forget to vote today, and remember to think about how issues will affect not only you, but the entire community. Do you really want people like Sharon Engels, Christine O’Donnell and Jan Brewer (and one might at Chip Womack — as seen in the video above) creating change in YOUR community?

I know I don’t, and this video, while funny, also reminds me how dead serious some of these people can be on their anti-choice, anti-masturbation, anti-sex education, etc rants. And this is why we need to stand up and make a difference.

So check out the ridiculousness of Chip, have a good laugh at the Republican Sex and Marriage Advice, and then get out and vote. You can’t complain if you don’t vote. I turned in my mail in ballot two weeks ago–how about you?

-Essin’ Em

Excerpt from ShannaKatz.com…

When I was 10 or so, I discovered the wonders of the internet. It was back in the mid-90s, before most people had access, but my father was a computer scientist, and I was rocking out on Mosaic, way before IE or Eathlink or Netscape or AOL made their brands so popular. I didn’t use it for much, as there wasn’t that much info out there pertaining to me, but I did have an email, and learned how to search.

Around the late 90s, I was in my “oh em gee, want to learn everything possible about puberty and sex” and after my parents exhausted the info available at the local library, I was lucky enough to discover Scarleteen. It was still quite young back then, but it was knowledge, and that was something I was desperately hungry for. More importantly, it was more than just information; it was interactive. I could learn from older teens, from educators, from people my age. I became obsessive about checking the forums every day. It was a way for me to connect, to get information, to teach myself about sexuality, to have my questions answered, and to get to know my body.

I didn’t really get any sort of sex education from school until I was a Junior in High School (age 14), and accidentally ended up in a Parenting and Child Development class (amusing, since I definitely didn’t want and don’t want children). In that class, we spent a good week or two on birth control and contraception. I got 100% on every assignment, and impressed the teacher, as I already had learned most of this info from Scarleteen.

High school was hard for me. I graduated at 16, so I was always about 2-3 years younger than most of my peers, and that caused endless taunting and worse, being ignored. I had my inner circle of friends, of course, but more importantly, I had the knowledge that on Scarleteen, I was equal. My questions and answers were just as valid as a popular cheerleader, or another braniac. To me, sex education was my great equalizer. I might not be cool, or popular, or the social ideal of beautiful, but because I had information that no one else had, I was still interesting. I might get teased, but people still wanted what I had (knowledge) and so I wasn’t the brunt of as much hate as I might have been.

Click here to read the rest of How Sex Ed Saved My Life.

I support sex education. Obviously. And I’ll be participating in this carnival over on ShannaKatz.com this Friday. However, I think it’s important that EVERY share their stories of sex education (good, bad and non-existant), and support this amazing resource that provides FREE sex education and answers to questions for teens, youth, and anyone that needs information. I donated to support Scarleteen – what about you?

-Essin’ Em

The Scarleteen Sex-Ed Blog Carnival is set to run October 15th through November 15th and we’d love if if you’d take part. We’re featuring posts about your experiences with sexuality education and the importance of the kind of positive, inclusive and trustworthy information Scarleteen provides to young people.

***Find a list of participants and banners for use on your site here!***

We probably don’t need to tell you how important good, accessible sexuality education is, nor how important a safe space for young people to talk about sexuality is, particularly in light of the tragic events in the last month that showed too clearly how some  young people are still all too unsupported, and many young people’s lives could be improved or saved if the level of sexual education they receive was more compassionate, truthful and positive.

Throughout the month expect to see posts from a selection of amazing writers from the sex-positive, feminist and skeptical blogosphere. Also, Heather Corinna will be publishing advice columns written by herself and guest authors every day of the month on Scarleteen.

What Scarleteen Needs: Last year, Scarleteen needed increased donations in order to get through the end of 2009 and into 2010, in large part because private donations for a few years previous had been so low and left us in a very financially precarious position. We increased our financial goals to reflect the need for a minimum annual operating budget of $70,000. Thanks to generous contributions from our supporters in response to that appeal, while we were not able to reach that level, we were able to raise what we needed to not only get through 2009, but were able to use the funds wisely to sustain the organization through 2010.  Our goal now is to continue to work toward that annual operating budget. Ideally, we would like to see a minimum of $20,000 in individual donations each year to combine with funding from private grants. In order for that to happen, we need for current donors to keep giving, and we also also need to cultivate new donors.

This minimum budget is exceptionally cost-effective for the level of service we provide, especially compared to other organizations and initiatives whose budgets are far higher, including those which do not match our reach and our level of direct-service. If you would like more details about our budget and expenses, just contact us via email and we’ll gladly share that information with you.

I’m sure that you have all heard about the recent rash of tragedies regarding anti-LGBTQ bullying, and the teens that felt the only way out was to take their own lives.

This is not my most eloquent video. I have no script. I mess up a few times. But it’s from my heart. It’s part of both the It Gets Better push, as well as the Make It Better Project (LGBTQ youth empowerment). We need to stop the bullying as well as stop the suicides, depression and all of the effects of such a horrible climate.

-Essin’ Em

Other resources:
Scarleteen
Trevor Project

This is day 11 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor. Today, I’m supposed to write to someone dead, that I wish I could talk to more/again. Choosing the person is easy — I choose my father. Writing the letter? That’s a bit more difficult.

Dear Daddy,

I miss you.

This whole letter could say nothing but that, and still be complete, but for the sake of writing things out, I will continue.

Sometimes, when I’m lonely, or tired, or driving on a long trip, I wonder what you’d think of who I’ve become. I like to think you’d be proud of me, but doesn’t everyone think that of their deceased family/lovers/friends?

I know you’d be proud of me for working the system, and graduating high school at 16 and college at 20 – you did your whole undergrad degree in 2.5 years. I know you’d be proud of me for living in Germany for 6 months, and I wish I could thank you for introducing me to that language and culture, and reminding me that just because I’m a Jew, it doesn’t mean I have to hate/distain modern day Germany.

I like to think you’d be proud of me for forging my own way. Mother is always reminding me that I chose this field, that when I’m broke or jobless, it’s my fault. I can hear you in my head telling me that it’s 100% worth doing what you’re passionate about, regardless of how important other people think it is, regardless of how much stress and controversy this is.

I still don’t ride roller coasters. I still am scared of heights. Spiders still make me scream. I tried to cure myself of these fears, because I knew you were virtually fearless, and didn’t understand where these fears came from. I’m sorry I failed…but I did kill a sewer roach last month when Q was away and it ran across the floor. I hope that counts for something.

I wish you were here to meet Q. She reminds me a lot of you, especially her silliness, and how she calms me down. I think you two would get along swimmingly. Don’t worry – we’ll break a glass at the wedding and do the hora for you.

I wish you could have seen me play hockey or roller derby. I know you were surprised when I chose dance, figure skating and horseback riding over archery and softball. I know you wanted me to be sportier, but I appreciate that you took up figure skating just so you could be with me, and learn along side me. Q and I played catch the other day, and I dedicated that silly little session of throwing a ball around to you.

I wish you would have known me when I grew up, as I continue to grow. I wonder how much I’ve changed in the 11 years since you died. How would you have reacted to me coming out? To being a sex educator? To my disablity? I don’t know. I like to think I do, but honestly, I don’t.

I’m almost to the point where you’ve been dead longer than you were in my life. That terrifies me. I hardly remember what you sounded like, although I will never ever be able to forget your smile, your face. Even your laugh still haunts my memory.

I love you Daddy, still and always. I miss you terribly, and I can only hope that what I am doing, that who I am would have made you proud.

Love,

Me

Hey all!

Later this week I’ll be headed first to Salem, OR to teach at Enigma, and then I’m off to San Francisco to have some fun and present at Folsom Street Fair over the weekend. Next Monday and Tuesday, at Good Vibrations, I’ll be doing not one but TWO awesome classes! Seats do fill up, so I encourage you to pre-register if you can. I really hope to see a lot of you there!

Both of these workshops will be held at the Polk St. store.

Good Vibrations
1620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street)
San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 345-0400
Map & directions

Vaginal Fisting for One and All (NEW)
Monday, September 27, 6-8 pm
$25 in advance, $30 at the door
Fisting is one of those words that makes people say “ooooh!” Sometimes, it’s an “I’m so excited about that” way, and other times it’s more of a “you want me to put WHAT in my WHERE?” response. If you’re curious about fisting, come learn from an expert. Shanna Katz will explain vaginal fisting is (and what it isn’t), how to introduce it into your relationships, what you need to think about in regards to safety, why lube is so important and more. Everyone can use a helping hand when it comes to fisting, so come one, come all, and really get to understand the amazing ins and outs of vaginal fisting.

To register for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/112656

Right Foot Red, Left Hand Lube: Sex Positions for Everyone (NEW)
Tuesday, September 28, 6-8 pm
$25 in advance, $30 at the door
Forget the Kama Sutra and Tantra. Leave your sex swing at home. Shanna Katz is here to tell you all about sex positions that anyone can do; no fancy hardware or spiritual revelations needed. We’ll talk about everything from Missionary to Froggy Style, Reverse Cowgirl to the Sneaky Vampire. Want a threesome? Got positions for that. Have arthritis? We’ve got positions for that. Ready to integrate sex toys into the bedroom (or shower, or car)? Check. Bring your favorite position in mind, and be ready to try out new positions (with clothes on) as we sex-plore our way through the endless types of positions available to us. Open to singles, couples and more-somes, and people of all gender and orientations.

To register for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/112676