Sexuality Happens

I just got back from Las Vegas on Sunday night, very late. I’d been gone for five very long days.

When I got home, Q had left that morning. Because she’s awesome, she’s facilitating this amazing social justice leadership retreat up in Prescott all week, and won’t be back until Saturday night. The apartment felt so empty without her, the cats all crowding around me for attention that they hadn’t gotten all day, demanding pets and love. All I wanted was to curl up in bed with her arms around me, having been apart almost a week already.

I travel a fair amount, but with my disability and relationship, I try to keep it down to less than a week a month. When it’s longer, I try to come home in the middle for at least a night so that we can regroup and reconnect. This almost two week period is the longest amount of time that we haven’t slept together in almost a year and a half, and shockingly to me, it’s harder than I thought. I was such an independent person for so long, rarely spending the night or letting others spend the night, that it seems odd to me that just a few days apart from my partner makes me feel weird and lonely. But if I’m honest with myself, which I try to be, it does. It bothers me. I feel lonely in bed without her pressed up against me, or her heavy breathing in my ear.

I never expected to be in a mostly monogamous, long term relationship. When I pictured my future, it was never a part of it. Now, I’m incredibly happy to be in one now, with such an amazing person, but it certainly goes to show how much you never know, and how different the future may be than what you expect it to be.

7 Days down and 4.5 more to go until I have someone to hug and cuddle with, someone else to cook for, someone to laugh at my jokes and swat my butt while I’m cooking. I never thought I would miss that, because I never had it to begin with…but now that Q is such a huge part of my life, the space that is there when she is gone is so much more noticable than I ever would have thought.

-Essin’ Em

Essin' Em at the AVNs

Check me out at the AVN awards, wearing a sassy blue dress (my first ever One-Strap Dress), and the awesome 3-D glasses for the 3-D segment of the awards. Yep, I’m that cool.

Like last year, lots of queer and sex positive movies were nominated for the awards, including CrashPadSeries.com for best alternative website, Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven for Pro-Am, Dangerous Curves for best niche movie (starring April Flores, directed by Carlos Batts), Good Releasing for best company, Jamye Waxman’s Sex Positions for Couples, etc. None of them won, sadly (although Good Vibrations and Babeland did win the two categories that Fascinations was nominated for…if we had to lose, what great companies to lose to!). JeJoue won both best small toy company and best toy for women with the JeJoue G-Ki.

Also, I got an Njoy Eleven. Get ready for my entire life to change. Well, I mean, at least the sexual part and art collector part of it. I also now have a La Palma harness from Spareparts to try, which I am super excited about, and a sample of one of Buck Angel’s new AWESOME glass toys! I can’t wait for his whole line to come out.

Smitten Kitten threw a fabulous party on Thursday night, and I am incredibly grateful to them. In this field, it can be extremely hard to be a sex positive person, particularly since many of us are the only people in the industry in our area. We are often alone in Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Wisconsin, LA, or wherever it is we happen to be. Outside of San Francisco and New York, there are not many groupings of sex educators, sex positive toy store owners, etc. However, attending this party was like coming home, meeting all sorts of other awesome people in the field, sharing triumphs and tribulations, asking questions that related to our own ethical views of certain toy lines, talking about the latest this, and the most interesting that. My hat goes off to Smitten Kitten for organizing such a great event (and with such delicious vegetarian and organic food/drink options to boot!) and helping to connect sex positive people in the adult/sex industry in a way that rarely has happened before. Plus, their crew is awesome.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling the mainstream world and the sex positive world, and I don’t quite fit either. Where I work is sex positive, but we also have 16 stores and a website, so we do things very differently than a small company with just one or two stores. On my own, I am as sex positive as I can possibly be, but when I’m seen as part of Fascinations, I feel like I’m sometimes shunned from the sex positive community for having chosen to work with a more mainstream company, and that the literally dozens of free classes we offer, sex educators we employe, products we choose to carry (and not carry) don’t even matter, because it’s not my own store, or a well know store in the sex positive world. It’s tough. I felt that same way working for HotMoviesForHer, because at the time, few people were ok with the fact that many women DO like porn, and like more than just super touchy feely couples porn at that. I’m always feeling a little like a black sheep…but at least black is my favorite color, and I think sheep are cute. I do look forward to moving back to Colorado for many reasons, and one is being closer to other sex positive people in the adult industry, and the folks at the Denver SK are awesome.

That’s it for now…I’ll try to get back to posting more regularly from now on.

-Essin’ Em

It’s that time of year again, where I’m heading to Las Vegas for the AEE/ANE shows and the AVN awards (think “Oscars of Porn”).

This year, it’s a little tough. I’m heading to Vegas today through Sunday afternoon. Q heads up to this awesome social justice-y leadership program she’s helping to facilitate on Sunday morning…and will be gone for a full week. Then once Q gets back, we have a week together before I’m off to do classes and house hunting in Denver, and then I get back the day before Q heads to Minneapolis for Creating Change.  Usually I’m so good about planning my travel, and keeping it to less than a week per month, but these four weeks, both of us are travelling twice. I mean, I guess it is kind of good that we alternate, so that we don’t have to find a cat sitter…but on the other hand, that’s the most time apart that we’ve spent in a while, which is tough.

But here’s to Vegas, queer porn stars, sex educators, new sex toys, sex positive people, networking, seeing old friends, making new ones, and having a great time!

-Essin’ Em

I know 25 isn’t supposed to be a big deal…but I’m sorry, turning a quarter of a century seems like a bigger deal to me than some arbitrary drinking age, or hitting the thirties. I mean, it sounds pretty epic, just saying. Plus! I can finally rent a car without having to pay the extra under age driver fee, and hopefully my insurance will go down next time around. Seems like a pretty good year to me.

I’m off to New York tonight, so I’ll be a busy be all weekend. Thanks in advance for any birthday wishes you may have…and if you happen to be feining to buy me something…for my birthday or channukah or just because, here are some wishlists:
My Amazon Wishlist

My JT’s Stockroom Wishlist

My Extreme Restraints Wishlist

However, just having you be loyal readers and wonderful people in the world is a huge gift to me, and I thank you for it.

Happy Birthday to me!

-Essin’ Em

I’m heading back to the land of my dreams, Colorado, for a long weekend. What shall this weekend entail?

*Hopefully cooler air. Arizona is still pretty frakking hot.

*Doing a sex toy party for my sister’s sorority and visiting the new Fascinations store in Colorado Springs.

*Doing an on air interview with Lewis and Floodwax Thursday morning.

*Teaching What’s Up with the Butt: Anal Sex 101 on Thursday night, for free, at 7pm, at the Fascinations in Aurora.

*Visiting with my moose!

*Seeing my BFF.

*Solidifying plans with the celebration of love venue for next year.

*Seeing the family..and such.

See you on the flip side!

-Essin’ Em

As I’m still on my trip, and don’t have to opportunity to write as much daily as I usually do, or even as much as I would like to given the circumstances, I feel only just in directing you to Alphafemme’s Blog.

Alphafemme is one of the sweetest, kindest people you will ever meet, period, and I’m not just saying that because she has opened her home to me the past few days as somewhere to stay in San Francisco. She’s just an all around good person, believes firmly in social justice, is a sexy burlesque dancer…and often times, her relationship with ML mirrors a lot of what is happening in my relationship with Q.

Anyways, while you wait for me to come back and actually be able to write, check out her blog.

Hey all!

Later this week I’ll be headed first to Salem, OR to teach at Enigma, and then I’m off to San Francisco to have some fun and present at Folsom Street Fair over the weekend. Next Monday and Tuesday, at Good Vibrations, I’ll be doing not one but TWO awesome classes! Seats do fill up, so I encourage you to pre-register if you can. I really hope to see a lot of you there!

Both of these workshops will be held at the Polk St. store.

Good Vibrations
1620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street)
San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 345-0400
Map & directions

Vaginal Fisting for One and All (NEW)
Monday, September 27, 6-8 pm
$25 in advance, $30 at the door
Fisting is one of those words that makes people say “ooooh!” Sometimes, it’s an “I’m so excited about that” way, and other times it’s more of a “you want me to put WHAT in my WHERE?” response. If you’re curious about fisting, come learn from an expert. Shanna Katz will explain vaginal fisting is (and what it isn’t), how to introduce it into your relationships, what you need to think about in regards to safety, why lube is so important and more. Everyone can use a helping hand when it comes to fisting, so come one, come all, and really get to understand the amazing ins and outs of vaginal fisting.

To register for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/112656

Right Foot Red, Left Hand Lube: Sex Positions for Everyone (NEW)
Tuesday, September 28, 6-8 pm
$25 in advance, $30 at the door
Forget the Kama Sutra and Tantra. Leave your sex swing at home. Shanna Katz is here to tell you all about sex positions that anyone can do; no fancy hardware or spiritual revelations needed. We’ll talk about everything from Missionary to Froggy Style, Reverse Cowgirl to the Sneaky Vampire. Want a threesome? Got positions for that. Have arthritis? We’ve got positions for that. Ready to integrate sex toys into the bedroom (or shower, or car)? Check. Bring your favorite position in mind, and be ready to try out new positions (with clothes on) as we sex-plore our way through the endless types of positions available to us. Open to singles, couples and more-somes, and people of all gender and orientations.

To register for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/112676

I read parts of this at Sizzle last month while in San Francisco presenting at Feminia Potens.  It was for an open mic dealing with sexuality and disability, and this is what I came up with (as well as an erotica story).  I thought I’d share…

-Essin’ Em

I’m here to talk about the intersections between sexuality and disability.  I want to tell you about the man in a wheelchair who was suspended in rope, wheel chair and all, and was ecstatic at the chance to be flying high above the dungeon. I want to tell you about the woman who was in so much pain from sculliosis, but discovered that when her sir gave her a good beating, she could eroticize the pain and work through it.  I want to tell you about the quadrapelicic woman that spent a good chunk of time exploring and trying new things with her partner, and eventually could experience sexual pleasure when he stroked her cheek in just the right way. I want to tell you about the first time I found someone who understood me, and check in, but didn’t try to do everything for me, and made me feel like a sexual goddess, despite not being able to do many of the sexually constructed things that people do when they fuck.

But how can we speak of intersecting sexuality and disability when we can’t even validate people’s sexuality or disabilities? When we create this hierarchy, we prevent people from exploring the rest of themselves, from getting to figure out who they are and how all of this fits into other parts of them. Instead, people are fighting to even be seen as who they are.

I sat in my hotel for a few hours this morning, trying to place my swirling thoughts onto paper, to share with you what I so often say. To sound cool, and interesting, and part of performance piece.

Do you know how hard it is to pull words out of your head, put them down, and make them sound right when you’ve got a cloud of painkillers fuzzing up your brain and pain radiating up through what feels like every joint and your entire body?

It’s difficult to say the least.

We’re in the technology age, so rather than crumpled pieces of paper all over the floor, I have minimized word documents, all begun so well, and then trailed off into a narcotic induced rant of the parellel between my Femme identity and my identity as someone who is disabled.

What it all boils down to is the fight for recognition, and the desire to just be, and not fight anymore.

My gender is often invisible to others. People see me as alternative, and often times as straight. I experience more anti-Femme hatred and bigotry in the queer community than I have experienced anti-queer sentiment in the rest of the world.

My disability is often invisible to others.  Unless it happens to be a day where I’m walking with a cane, or someone sees the epic travel pill pack that follows me everywhere in the deep depths of my purse, people don’t see me as disabled. In the community, I am told that I should consider myself “lucky”  that I’m not MORE disabled, not more visible.

I don’t want to fight to be who I am.  I don’t want to wear rainbow necklaces or name-drop “my ex-girlfriend” in order to be seen as queer in the queer community, and I don’t want to go flashing my handicap permit or show off my scars in order to be recognized as someone with disabilities by others in the same boat.

I fight the mainstream every day just to have accessible buildings and parking, and to get the same rights as everyone else; to share insurance, to not be fired for my orientation, and more. I do not have the time, energy or patience to fight within my own community.

When did we create a hierarchy of oppression?  I look more queer than you do, therefore I’m a BETTER queer.  I have a disability that affects more areas of my life, therefore I’m MORE disabled than you are.

If we cannot support each other as members of the same community, how can we work on intersections of identity. I’m a queer femme sex educator kinky perverted disabled Jewish awkward snarky cat loving tea drinking oh so horny person. How can I accept all these part of me, if the individual parts themselves are rejected by the community?

How can I even start to think about my sexuality and how it relates to others when others cannot relate to me based on who I am?

I am disabled, but that doesn’t disable who I am. I am still sexual and fun and deep and witty and queer and kinky and all these parts of ME. I want to be who I am, not spend my energy fighting to be seen, but rather, integrating all of me into my sexuality, into my life, into this magical and wonderful world.  I wonder, is it really that hard to do?

Despite the very small size of our bank accounts, we’re spending a night in Sedona this weekend. We went there last December for our anniversary, and we love it. It’s calm, quiet and BEAUTIFUL. If you’re of the more woo-woo variety, they have rainbow charms, and lay line vortexes, and more. Middle of the road, like Q? Mediation classes and labryinths to walk. Not so much for that, like me? Stunning rock formations, beautiful sunsets, veg friendly food, cute pottery and jewelry stores, etc.

We’re using a groupon for our hotel room (and massages!), and went up yesterday for a ridiculous time share presentation. Do we have the time or money to buy a time share? Absolutely not. But they’re buying us lunch, and by sitting through it, we get 2 nights in a hotel (lots of location options) and a 4 day, 3 night cruis, including airfare. It’s how we roll. I’m all about coupons and groupon and deals and getting free things. I’m a saver.

But more importantly, it’s important for us to get away. It’s so hard managing any relationship when both parties work full time, and irregular schedules (she works a lot of evenings, and I work evenings and I travel a lot), and you live in a state where it is always hot so between work and the heat you’re always just exhausted. We’ve talked alot about how we got into a coping rut, because that was really all we could do, moving in together as we moved to a new state and started new jobs.  We tried to make Denver a get away, but as I turned it into a work trip, that was really difficult.

Sedona is a way for the two of us to get away from work, from the cats, from the stress of bills, the struggle of our different cleaning styles, and just reconnect as us. I’d love to get away for a few days together, but that’s not currently in our financial status-ability, so even just two days and one night…a drive, a night in a hotel, dual massages, and a nice lunch, I hope that’s enought to connect again, to assure each other of our love, to strengthen our communication.

As people keep pointing out (to me, to twitter, to the world), relationships aren’t easy. And relationships where there is love and/or sex involved? Even less easy. If you live together, even more difficulty. However, although they are hard, and they are work, the right relationships are worth the struggle, the tears, the discussions, the compromises, because in the end, that person(s) is there for you, supporting you, loving you, and you right back at them.

I usually tell people that if you’re not happy 75% of the time in a relationship, that it probably isn’t the right relationship for them right now. Q and I have talked, and we’re both about 90% happy with us. Some things, like work schedules, we can’t change. However, we CAN change other things; how we communicate, when we communicate, how well we listen, our wants and needs, etc. And that, however difficult, is worth it, because this relationship is far more than worth it.

-Essin’ Em

Another picture from my travels in Florida. I was outside lying in the sun (with SPF 100), reading a book, wearing a leopard print (well, snow-leopard print) sundress, enjoying a moment or two of respite from my family, and decided to take a picture while enjoying this moment.

The result, my long legs, leopard print and a lovely memory of a quiet moment.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em